Welcome to the finest prognostication of the new year you can find anywhere on the web! It’s the 2nd Annual Cru Jones Society prediction article where we bring you our thoughts on movies, music, television, sports, politics, and a whole slew of other crap important to your life.
2009 was a wildly successful year for us as we grew from a mere 800 readers at the year’s beginning, to averaging more than 16,000 by year’s end. Dagger got married, Limon kicked ass and took names in the desert, and Hart lived the first full year of his life retail-free. We’re looking forward to an even bigger and better 2010, and to commemorate the occasion, we dredged up Senor Limon to chime in with his thoughts on 2010.
So pull up your favorite chair, settle in with a beverage, and prepare to digest nearly 5,000 words worth of insights from the CJS 2010 crystal ball. Away we go!
Take a look at this calendar of 2010 movie releases and tell us which movie will make the most money.
Senor Limon: There are several co tenders this year with the new Twilight movie, Iron Man 2, Shrek 4 etc, but I’ll take the easy route and go with the only sequel that doesn’t make me want to vomit: Iron Man 2.
Lee S. Hart: I think this will be a really close race between The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Iron Man 2, and Alice in Wonderland. The Twilight Saga knows one thing and that is how to bring in bank at the box office, but with how well Iron Man did and the ending it had there are going to be a lot of fan boys and casual fans alike chomping at the bit for this one. As for Alice, that is a beloved classic getting the Tim Burton treatment, people will flock to that me, as for me I think it looks scary as hell. Alice will bring it in first, Iron Man will trump that, but by the end of the year Twilight will be the big winner.
E Dagger: It’s hard to bet against either Toy Story 3 or Iron Man 2 but you only get to pick one. Last year I idiotically worried that Up would suck, and that turned out to be another brilliant, touching, thoughtful, fun piece of business from Pixar. I’m not picking against Pixar anymore. It’s like picking against the sun rising. I’ll say Toy Story 3, definitely.
Which will be the worst unnecessary sequel this year: Wall Street 2, Iron Man 2, Shrek 4, Toy Story 3, Step Up 3, or something else? Defend your selection of this year’s worst.
SL: Wall Street 2. If there was ever a movie that deserved to be left in the 80s where it belongs, it was Wall Street.
ED: Agreed. I loved Wall Street, but not because I think it’s an especially great film. It’s well-crafted enough, but it’s about as subtle as a Drano smoothie. Considering the economic orgy of madness we’re currently slogging through, I fear that Oliver Stone will take his sledgehammer of morality to Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (a title, by the way, I think is idiotic) and bury any message or lesson we can take from his art under 1,000 lbs. of ham-fisted moralizing. Yuck.
LSH: I am actually intrigued with Wall Street 2 as it follows Gekko as he leaves prison from his actions in the first as well dealing with the current state of Wall Street, which clearly has changed since the 1980′s. So you can both suck it. The inclusion of Shia could cause some problems, but I think this won’t be the worst. Iron Man was a successful comic book movie and it has a continuing story, yes technically a lot of movies have continuing stories but it seems different with movies based on comic books. In addition Iron Man 2 is part of something bigger as it is another brick in building up to the Avengers movie. And if we can get all the back story nonsense out of the way and just have a kick ass Avengers movie. Toy Story 3. This is Pixar, you know this will be awesome. Having never seen Step Up 1 or 2 I have no real opinion on this, but my basic assumption is this will be like any Fast and Furious sequel. But I think Shrek 4 will be the most unnecessary sequel this year. I saw Shrek 3 and was wildly disappointed and saw no real point to making the movie. And I cannot foresee any reason for another one. There has already been a wedding, children and introduction of new characters; if this was a television show it would be canceled for so many shark jumps.
SL: Jesus, have thoughts about this much?
ED: Yeah, who are you? Me?
LSH: I like movies.
Despite what the real Cru Jones promised us in our interview with him last March, Rad was not released in 2009. Does it finally get released in 2010?
LSH: With the exposure Bill Allen got from Tosh.0 it better be released this year! That’s all I have to say about that.
ED: If it doesn’t, I’m just buying one of those illegal copies off the internet because I fear for the health of my poor, worn-out VHS tape. And that would be catastrophic for two reasons considering I have Ski Patrol (also not available on DVD) on there too. So I’ll say yes because otherwise I’m resorting to the godforsaken gray market for a movie that’s nearly 25 years old.
SL: I hate to be a skeptic, but I don’t think the chances are good.
ED: Always fucking naysaying, Kyle! You invent something! Like inward singing! Cock ass!
Who ya’ got at the Emmys? Is it more blowjobs for “Mad Men” and “30 Rock” or do the awards finally go somewhere else? Give us some picks.
SL: I really have no effing clue. The little TV I have time for anymore arrives via Netflix years after its original airing.
ED: You make me sad. The awards for “30 Rock” are certainly well-deserved, but remember back in the ‘90s when “Frasier” won every damn year? That was annoying. Something that surprises even me is that my favorite show on Thursday nights is actually Parks and Recreation, and a huge reason for that is the work of Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson. That guy is gold. Give him the award right now. I’d also like to make special mention of Michael C. Hall and John Lithgow for their work on “Dexter.” The subplots in the 4th season of “Dexter” blew a dead bear, but Lithgow and Hall ROCKED it as the two leads. Great work by them that should be rewarded.
LSH: I never watch the Emmys and thusly I have no idea the criteria they use to pick shows. And frankly I don’t give a crap. I watch shows that I find amusing or entertaining so I would have to say this year Emmys go to “What’s The Difference?,” “Recycled Junk,” and “Same Old Crap.”
Which broadcast network and cable network will you spend the most time watching this year and why?
ED: As far as broadcast goes, I still really only like the shows on NBC (besides “Big Bang Theory” and “How I Met Your Mother”). I realize it’s in last place, and their insistence on shoving Jay Leno at us every night isn’t helping them, but I have no interest in procedural crime dramas, the weird serialized goofy stuff on ABC, or the majority of the programs on Fox.
In terms of cold hard math, it’ll be a tossup this year between Travel Channel and Fox Sports Rocky Mountain. Looking at beaches and watching Rockies games – my two favorite cable pastimes.
LSH: My TV viewing habits consist mainly of sitcoms and with that in mind I’ll stick to channels that play sitcoms I like. For cable this means TBS to get my daily fix of The Office, Seinfeld, Friends et. al. Plus on occasion TBS plays movies I like, or at least ones that I can watch while procrastinating or with a hangover. Or maybe I should try to act like a man and say that my television is almost always locked on ESPN. But I really can’t watch the same episode of Sports Center more than once, especially on days when my teams lose. As far as broadcast network I would guess NBC if only because it is an Olympic year and NBC will have the Olympics. Otherwise I my prediction is the time would be split pretty evenly between NBC, CBS, and FOX, and again it’s for the sitcoms and each of these stations has 2 hours worth of comedies a week I like to watch.
SL: I’ll refer to my above response and stick with Fox and Cartoon Network for all the good reruns.
LSH: Actually, you make me sad too.
SL: I make myself sad.
“Jersey Shore” and “Sex Rehab w/Dr. Drew” are somehow reaching ever lower depths of cultural garbage than we ever thought possible. Pitch us a premise for the new worst reality show ever, and then recoil in horror later this year when it actually gets made.
SL: Alright, so let’s turn the uplifting formula on its head. My show is called “The Biggest Fatass.” A group of healthy contestants compete in a weekly show to see who can gain the most weight. Challenges would include making unhealthy eating choices, eating fast food, sitting around and doing nothing, and shopping for groceries in a Rascal. Contestants are divided into two teams and each week the team that gains the most weight gets to pick a member from each team to compete in an eating contest. The food is supplied each week by a different sponsor that encourages Americans to play along at home.
ED: The show is called “Toparazzi” where paparazzi photographers compete against each other each week to see who can take the most unflattering photographs of celebrities. The winner is determined by whose photographs make Hollywood starlets look the most hideous and each week a panel of judges comprised of Perez Hilton, Joe Francis – founder of Girls Gone Wild, and Joan Rivers decide who is the best at making otherwise beautiful celebrities look like fat, loathsome subhumans. Sample commentary: “Yes, Kelly Clarkson looks bloated here in this beach photo she didn’t you know you took, but she could look much fatter! I realize you were hiding in a dumpster, but this competition is demanding! Buck up!” Sadly, I don’t think we’re far off from something like this.
LSH: Capitalizing on the recent vampire craze this show follows a group of supposed vampires picked to live together. We watch as they hang out at the local Denny’s and as they toil in their jobs at Hot Topic and get in slap fights with the local stable of goths. The show is a lot like Goth Talk only more pussified.
One current hot rumor has music superstar Beyonce forgoing a normal touring schedule to become a Las Vegas headliner. Who is the next big act to do the same and play only Vegas for a few years?
ED: Although it’s hard to imagine this actually working from a financial standpoint considering all the square, Midwestern, middle-aged red-staters that show up in Vegas every weekend, how badass would a Rob Zombie Vegas show be? Every night with the fire, the giant robots from 1950s horror movies, and the RAWK~! Of all heavy metal acts his act seems to lend itself best to Vegas even though, sadly, I don’t think he’d draw like he needed to. Of course, dorky middle aged people love Cirque du Soleil despite, in the words of Patton Oswalt, everything in Cirque du Soleil being “gay and wet and French and on fire all at once.” So who knows…
LSH: Britney Spears begins a stint at Vegas only to have it become quickly cancelled as Sin City is far too much for her recent attempt at sobriety. The cancellation forces Kevin Federline to take over and Las Vegas tourism reaches an all time low.
SL: 7 words. Lady Gaga vs. Madonna – Steel Cage Deathmatch
Who will come out with an album this year that you can’t escape from and thus, annoys the piss out of you for the majority of the year?
LSH: I have a feeling this year will not be much different than the last couple and Kanye West will infect my ears with more of his dripping musical STDs. I will actively seek out that station that plays nothing but show tunes in order to escape the torture from West’s so called “rapping.”
SL: Who’s that douche in his bedroom who sings about ten million fireflies? Anything by him.
ED: That’s actually Owl City. I asked Lady E. But I’m thinking: Shouldn’t we instead call this question: “Guess the name of the new Black Eyed Peas album”? Those guys are like fog, man. They’re everywhere and you can’t escape, and they seem to produce new stuff every single year. It’s not that their stuff is bad either, it’s just everywhere! Radio, television, sporting events, commercials, stores - Christ! I was going to try and pick something else, but nope, can’t bet against the Black Eyed Peas.
Which pop icon finally comes out of the closet this year and wows everyone with their big, fabulous, gayness?
SL: Tough call for me since I haven’t really been paying attention to who is out and who isn’t. I’m gonna go with Toby McGuire. Is he out already?
LSH: No, he’s not out. But then, he’s not really a musician either, so who knows? In an effort to become the biggest story of the year once again, this will also be Kanye West. In his effort he will out many a fellow collaborators (I don’t want to name anyone particular, so we’ll just use the initials J.Z.). It will help to explain how he was able to get a record deal as well as his constant need for attention.
ED: For the sake of pure comedy, I hope it’s someone like Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Just some buttrocking piece of garbage turns out to be a real buttrocker. That would make my year watching mouth-breathing douche bags everywhere have one of their heroes change to the pink team.
Will the Republicans manage to stop stepping on their dicks this year and win back the House and Senate, or will we continue with full Democratic rule?
ED: Eh, they’ll probably come back again this year. That’s the way these things always go. Everyone gets tired of whoever’s in charge, the country veers opposite that, then overcorrects, then we have one party ruling everything for awhile, then it evens out again. Like what happened with Clinton in ’94, one or both houses will probably go back to the Republicans. I’d like to add that it’s usually darkest before the dawn, so I’d imagine the Republicans will finally get it together this year after convincing me they could do nothing right in 2008. I felt the same way about the Democrats in 2004, and just two years later they kicked the bejeezus out of that election. That’s just how things go. Also, I hate both parties.
LSH: The dicks will continue to be stepped on as many Republicans will continue to wait for Obama to royally screw up. Or you know what, I have no idea. I don’t know what will happen in other states and how they’ll elect their senators.
SL: Um, yes?
2009 gave us Gov. Mark Sanford claiming to hike the Appalachian Trail while he was banging a woman from Argentina followed by his resignation. 2008 gave us Gov. Eliot Spitzer coughing up $80,000 for hookers in an illegal prostitution ring and being forced to resign. Concoct our 2010 Governor scandal using any governor and any scenario you want.
ED: Using his status as the nation’s longest tenured governor, and one of the country’s most popular, North Dakota Republican John Hoeven announces that he’s finally quenching his lifelong frustration at North Dakota ‘s lack of national tourist attractions and professional sports teams, and that he’s “finally going to put something up here that people will visit, goddammit.” After a contentious battle in the State Legislature that sees no resolution, Hoeven commissions a giant granite statue of the deleted lesbian sex scene in the pool from Wild Things between Denise Richards and Neve Campbell to sit in the middle of the Lake Sakakawea . He then runs for Senate, wins thanks to astonishing voter turnout by 18-25 year old males, and announces, “Next stop Washington , bitches! I’m thinking Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan, that scene where she’s thrashing around on his dong in the pool like a whorish, epileptic sea otter. In the Potomac ! Hoeven out!”
LSH: Ted Strickland (D-Ohio) will cause some commotion as he is caught in bed with a horse. Things will only escalate as it is revealed the horse was actually actress Sarah Jessica Parker on a visit to her home state. Things will get worse as Parker’s marriage to Matthew Broderick will dissolve causing Broderick to become depressed and do sequels to Inspector Gadget and that horrible Americanized Godzilla.
SL: I like to think of this question as Governor’s Clue. I’ll cover this one by randomly picking a State, a plausible scandal and location. Illinois governor Pat Quinn did it with another man in the Conservatory.
Which nation that’s currently friendly with the United States turns heel on us and starts bitching about us again?
LSH: After losing mercilessly to the US Olympic hockey team yet again the Russians will have no choice but be incredibly pissed off. This will lead to unorthodox experiments that will bring Lenin and Stalin back from the dead and with the absence of Reagan, socialism will rise again in mother Russia. Yakov Smirnoff will be performing in Branson, MO and will be able to secure that town.
ED: Similar to Hart’s, mine pertains to the Olympics too. I’ll go into more detail about this below in the sports section, but when we obliterate Germany at the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games, they’ll fail to handle it properly and revert into a dangerous “national pride” state of mind that we’ll inevitably have to step in and wipe out again.
Waitaminute… Then we can have a great war, the economy will rebound like a champion, our generation will transform from a bunch of navel-gazing whiners to another “great” generation, and prosperity will return to America yet again! I can’t wait for the Olympics!
SL: There are Nations still friendly to us?
When we think about 2010, which will be the first team we think about, and why?
ED: Probably the 2010 US Olympic team when we go into Canada and regulate all over the games like a giant red, white, and blue juggernaut keg party. Although we won the most medals overall two years ago (110), we missed the most golds thanks to China’s endless pool of child slave labor. For whatever reason I’m ready for some royal domination and this year I say we crush the kraut-stenched stink out of Germany who won the most medals in 2006. We’ll fight them on the ski slopes! We’ll fight them in the speed skating arena! And when we do biathlon, we’ll use real bullets if we have to! We’ll revitalize the economy in the process! Whose ready for the Olympics?!
LSH: USA Olympic hockey for defeating the Russians and bringing socialism back to the forefront (see above).
SL: I really don’t care.
ED: You’re really no fun on the sports questions.
Two part obligatory Tiger Woods question: 1) Which athlete will follow in Tiger’s footsteps (and Plaxico Burress’s before him, and Kobe Bryant’s before him, etc.) and have this year’s biggest scandal that everyone irrationally can’t stop talking about? 2) True or false: Despite the absurd amount of attention heaped upon Tiger, and the world of golf by proxy, your viewing habits of professional golf will not change.
SL: Lance Armstrong will once again prove to the world that he can do more with one ball than any other man could dream of doing with two.
ED: Ok, so that’s funny.
SL: And for the second part, for the 27th consecutive year, my time spent watching golf will remain constant at approximately zero.
LSH: Part of me wants to say Derek Jeter’s squeaky clean image will be marred with a scandal, but it seems the straight arrow guys mess up every other year, so we’ll have to wait until 2011 for his royal screw up I don’t really have an other examples to back this up, but it does feel that it goes someone we’d expect, someone we wouldn’t. As for this year I’m going to have to go with JaMarcus Russell. No real reason, just seems right.
My viewing habits of golf consists of me watching my Mii shank every other ball on Wii, so no they will not change due to Tiger Woods.
ED: I hesitate to choose a tennis player considering this year Andre Agassi admitted to meth use and wearing a mullet wig during the 90s, but since superior racket technology has made tennis boring as hell, I’ll say Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal end their rivalry with a big ol’ tongue kiss on Centre Court at Wimbledon. And if that doesn’t do anything for you, then Serena Williams gains 50 lbs, gets super drunk and opts not for Playboy, but Penthouse. Chew on that image for a while.
And like the other two, my viewership of professional golf will remain consistent at zero with an occasional tournament thrown in for a delightful Sunday afternoon nap.
Which fan base will annoy you the most in 2010?
ED: So help me God if I have to listen to Vikings fans try and talk themselves into Brett Favre anymore, I’m going to stab myself in the ear with a meat thermometer. If he comes back next year, I might hide a gun in Aaron Rodgers’ helmet, give him one of those wristwatches Reggie Jackson wears in The Naked Gun and brainwash him to blow Favre away. I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed hating watching the Yankees bandwagon rejuvenate itself after the World Series, so next year ought to be fun with those assholes.
LSH: The fans of whichever team wins the Super Bowl will annoy me the most this year as they do every year. Either them or fans of the Detroit Red Wings, everything about Detroit sucks, especially the fans of the stupid ass hockey team.
SL: Twilight fans will wear out their welcome early in 2010
CRU JONES SOCIETY!
We’ve seen Keithage, R, and now Chaddymac claim the top prize in Food, Sex or Cars the last two years. Which reader wins it all next Thanksgiving?
SL: Korean Gold farmers from popular MMO game World of Warcraft will finally become bored and branch out to other areas of the internet. Willing to spend ridiculous amounts of time in search of very little reward, they will submit responses to cover every possible combination of answers in hope of scoring a free CJS T-Shirt.
ED: Dude, why can’t you ever just choose an actual reader? With an increasingly bizarre sensibility in our Confessionals, and slowly deteriorating sanity due to motherhood, I like CassieB next year. The water in her crazy pot will be just cresting to a boil by next November, so something tells me she’ll have exactly what it takes to rule FSC.
LSH: Flickerbock. Ha, not really, just wanted to get his hopes up and smash them down. Deuce showed a remarkable outing this year, capped with the keen eye to detail he showed on the Pontiac GTO El Camino tells me he has a real shot to take it all.
We’ve sold two items (a shirt and a packet of stickers) from our Zazzle store so far (Thanks, Flickerbock!). How much merchandise will we have sold by December 31, 2010?
LSH: With the economy most likely getting back on track, we will feel the effects as well and we will sell a whopping 30 items. That may not seem like a lot, but compared to the two we have sold that is an increase of some percentage I can’t figure out.
ED: The merchandise of the Cru Jones Society becomes this year’s non-douche bag equivalent of Affliction and sweeps the nation. Our backflipping little icon takes on the status of something like the Izod alligator and shows up on collared shirts everywhere making us a fortune. That’s the ultimate. In reality, we sell enough stuff to break even on hosting and giveaways.
ED: We’re going big this year. We’ll have more than 1,000 Twitter followers and 500 Facebook fans. More exclusive Facebook content, way more unique Tweets, and giveaways specific to both platforms – if you haven’t joined us yet, you better hop to it because you gotta get the most bang for your CJS buck.
LSH: I’ll be a bit more cautious and say those numbers will more than double. Facebook will have 100 exactly. Twitter will continue to be the big number winner and reach 500. Then again that will only happen with your help, so what are you waiting for?
SL: Facebook followers will dwindle to zero as fans finally become fed up with Hart’s incessant Confessional reminders. Twitter however will surge to over 76,000 after Dagger makes the horrible mistake of promising to pose naked in front of a BMX bike as a tribute to his favorite Cru Jones photo if we manage 75,000 or more followers on twitter.
Make a New Year’s Resolution for us right now. Name one drink you’ll try this year you’ve never had and will write about at some point this year.
LSH: It is easy to make fun an Appletini for its name, look, and the fact it is generally consumed by women and bottoms, but I have never tried one. I figure if I want to be truthful in my mockery I should knock one back before knocking it in print. So this year I will try an Appletini, and I won’t hold the apple.
ED: Whenever I get together with my dad and I tell him about bringing back the gin rickey, he always responds by encouraging me to drink rum & tonics. He forgets that I find rum & tonic to be the most tart thing on earth and it dries up every drop of spit in my mouth like I blasted my mouth with FDS. Once we establish that, he urges me to drink a Tom Collins, which is 2 parts gin, 2 parts lemon juice, one teaspoon simple syrup, club soda, and garnished with a lemon and a cherry. I’m either getting older or turning into some Prohibition-era weirdo with my increasing fondness for gin, so this year, I resolve to order a Tom Collins and work it into my usual drink rotation. Cheers!
SL: Whatever new flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade those geniuses invent because I can’t get enough of that stuff. That and cock! Bring me more cock! [Senor Limon forgot to answer this question and obviously wasn't this piece's editor.]
Does the economy get back on track in 2010? If so, what’s the catalyst and where does the Dow finish this time next year?
LSH: The DOW will finish higher than what it is at now. I should probably know what that is, but I don’t, so get over it. Bad lending practices will cease and companies will produce only what consumers actually want to buy. You know what, I have no clue about all these major finance issues. I know I probably should but I got a lot of other business on my plate that consumes more of my time and attention. So yeah it gets better. Why? Because that is the cycle of things.
ED: Keithage and I debated the state of the economy a couple nights before New Year’s and while he skews a bit more right than I do, we both agreed that the economy has shrunk and the pool of tasks that people get paid for has shrunk substantially. Our problem is that nothing has stepped in to fill that void and provide additional work opportunities for people, so we all feel totally hosed. But something does always come along, and that will happen again.
I personally could not give a crap where the Dow finishes because that is but a tiny measure of the overall health of the economy. But it will probably be somewhere close to where it is now. It was bloated, then it spasmed and collapsed, now it’s about right. Unless I’m way off here, which is possible because finance bores me to death.
SL: After years of chaos caused by inability to predict interest rates based on Alan Greenspan’s choice in tie color, researchers will discover that FED Chairman Bob Bernanke’s choice in underwear color predicts changes in interest with an even higher predictive correlation. The news will inspire a cautious economic recovery.
Instead of the restrictive 3 words we allowed you to use last year, it’s December 31, 2010 and we’re allowing you to use 5 words to describe 2010. What are they?
SL: One thousand better than 1910.
LSH: What did I just drink?
ED: You thought that was good…
Thanks to all of you that have participated in the Cru Jones Society in 2009. We can’t wait to show you what we have in store for 2010 and hope that it’s a happy and prosperous year for you all!
See you tomorrow for the first Happy Friday of the new year.
Lee S. Hart
07 Jan 2010 CJS Staff