Enjoying your time here in the modified Love Lounge

From the raucous excitement of the road ahead in the CJS Road Trip Mix to the angsty fury of the CJS Punk Rawk Mix, we come now to slow it down and urge you to get close to the one next to you (or to whomever that increasingly attractive person you brought home for the local watering hole earlier this evening is), and cuddle up for a fierce session that if you’re lucky will include some heavy petting. While not quite the makeout session mix requested by CassieB in yesterday’s comments section (Ours would have included “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men and “Baby Baby Baby” by TLC), this is the grown up version.

This is your Love Lounge Mix. This is for when you get back to your place and need a little musical accompaniment for your wine, candles, and flavor-blasted Goldfish crackers (the snack equivalent of Spanish Fly, I’m tellin’ ya). I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine if I’ve made this mix for a friend, and if the mix was successful in scoring said friend any action. Sadly, I was well on the road to engaged by the time I made this, and closing the deal with your long-term girlfriend involves a slightly lower degree of difficulty. Besides, she likes it better when I obnoxiously sing “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch in a comical falsetto anyway, so this mix would have been largely useless.

But for those of you looking to ease into a little action, I guarantee you this mix is as good as any, if not way better than anything you’d come up with on your own. And how could I make such an outlandish claim? Let’s find out, shall we?

The most important aspect of making a song mix that you’re using exclusively to try and diddle another person is ensuring that it’s an extension of your real personality. If you listen to Zebrahead or Tom Petty or Dave Matthews Band on the way to the restaurant, when you get home if you pop in Chris Brown or R. Kelly, you might as well just take off your pants and wiggle your dick at her for all the subtlety that conveys. Sure, D’Angelo seems to make music exclusively geared toward boning, but if you’re not wearing a vat of Drakkar Noir, a silk shirt with the top two buttons undone or use so much product in your hair your date can see her reflection in it already, you’re not a guy who listens to this music for any other purpose than getting girls to do things their fathers have nightmares about while they’re growing up.

You’ve got to make the mix plausible, son. And God forbid you don’t close the deal or *gasp* get wrapped up in conversation, having a mix that’s actually worth listening to is important too. You need something multi-faceted, and not just the audio equivalent of dropping a roofie in her drink. That’s why the mix below works well. If you read this site regularly, you’re probably at least a little off-center, so this is a mix that could work for you. To all the ladies: Sorry, but I have no ability but to write this from a male perspective. If any ladies have a mix that succeeds in closing the deal for them, send it to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll run it on Facebook as exclusive content, and link to it in Happy Friday.  Or feel free to respond in the comments.

Enough foreplay, let’s get to the CJS Love Lounge.

1. Jamiroquai – “Virtual Insanity”

He’s got new technology. (For hats probably)

The only thing anyone remembers about this song is that stupid moving floor gag from the music video. What everyone forgets is that this is a damn fine groovy little ditty that’s got a nice funk vein running through it. A clever camera trick overshadowed an otherwise excellent song that sets the tone for your late night rendezvous – playful, relaxed, but with a sexy vibe undercurrent – this song’s quirky enough to serve as a good conversation starter. She’ll likely recognize it, wonder what it is, you’ll remind her of the video and that dude’s wacky hats, and then you can discuss how this song was underrated (per above). Mood set, believable tone, perfect as icebreaker – ideal Love Lounge opener.

2. DJ Sakin & Friends – “Braveheart Theme (Techno Remix)”

For the record, I think basically all techno music is stupid. This song happened to catch me at the exact right moment in my life where I was open to new music, Napster was kicking it hardcore, and I had a T1 internet connection in the CSU dorms. The reason it’s in this mix? The re-imagining of the already cool Braveheart theme has unique cachet, doesn’t use any oppressive beeping noises like a lot of other techno songs, and has no distracting lyrics which is integral in building conversation into intimacy, intimacy into making out, and making out into sexy grunting.

3. Incubus – “Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)”

This is the first “love” song on the mix, but since it comes off Incubus’s unspeakably awesome album S.C.I.E.N.C.E., it’s a love song that’s unconventional. Rather than the gushing emotion of many love songs, this one’s not mushy, just cool. Brandon Boyd’s soft voice invites the listener to come closer, and the innuendo of experiencing “anti-gravity” subtly implies shedding those layers and having a little rendezvous of your own.  

4. Beck – “Hell Yes”

Transcending that wall while reinventing it

Who doesn’t love Beck? Sure, his nonsensical lyrics seem counterintuitive to forging a new naked partnership, but mostly his creative beat, low vocal register in this song and great use of record scratching make this one a Love Lounge winner. Plus, as a subliminal thing I like this song as the subconscious answer to any question asked. “Do you want more wine?” Hell yes. “Can I help you off with your bra?” Hell yes.

5. A Tribe Called Quest – “Can I Kick It?”

I realize the irony of this selection as “Can I Kick It?” is a sample of Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side” a song about a guy picking up a tranny, but that beat is just so damned infectious. Not to mention A Tribe Called Quest was one of the most (if not THE most) respected hip hop acts of the 90s. More positive affirmation in this song as the lead asks “Can I kick it?” to which everyone replies “Yes you can.” A chill jam here, and more subtle affirmations that your resultant closeness is a good thing. Plus, I think it’s a law somewhere that if you’re white and espouse to liking hip-hop, you have to like at least one Tribe song.

6. Outkast – “So Fresh, So Clean”

By now with your inclusion of Jamiroquai, Incubus, Beck, and Tribe on this mix, you’ve established your music credibility, so finding Outkast here is no surprise at all. Outkast is great, and it’s hard to believe that anyone would put this on a mix with a straight face hoping for transference from Andre 3000 declaring “Ain’t nobody dope as me” to himself, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. Is it cornball? Yes. Shameless? Of course. But damn if weird confidence isn’t sexy as hell. It’s Outkast so you can’t deny its Q rating, and any resultant coolness that rubs off on you is just a bonus. So play this one with pride.

7. Sublime – “Santeria”

Again, lyrically this seems like it doesn’t belong anywhere near a mix that is trying to get you laid, but this is your fail safe. After Brad Nowell died, everyone became a Sublime fan, so if she’s thinking anything, it’s how much Sublime she listened to in college. Besides, this offsets whatever douche tendencies you might be emanating from the possible failure of the Outkast stunt above. Besides, you’re a half hour into this mix, and you should be making headway toward your goal. If you’re not close, you’re probably not going to get there.

8. Fiona Apple – “Criminal”

She’s been a bad, bad girl.

And this song is your make or break point. If you’re not getting busy by now, this song is your litmus test for whether it’s gonna happen or not. Fact: This song is made of pure, concentrated sex. The video featured a bunch of sexy people in their underwear writhing around in someone’s basement while Fiona Apple looked pouty for the camera. The song itself is sultry, seductive, and insists on sexual activity. Whoever you’re with is either going to get irreversibly turned on by the ambience of this sexfest, or decide that she’s ready to leave. This song’s a gamble, but isn’t sex with a new person always a gamble anyway? I say this song helps your chances more than hurts it.

9. Santana feat. Dave Matthews – “Love Of My Life”

I think the biggest gettin’ it on song from my college years had to be “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band. I grew to hate that song because every time I heard it, it was like 1:30 in the morning, two people were in a room together, and I was alone, awake, and hoping whiskeydick would ruin their night. This song is a much better choice because Santana’s guitar work is awesome, it builds to an interesting crescendo in the middle, and Dave Matthews’ voice is minus the bizarre exuberance and quirky delivery he has on almost everything else.

10. Steve Miller Band – “Joker”

I have yet to see anyone not smile when this song comes on the box. No one can deny the charm of Steve Miller’s sexy stoner anthem. This song is 100% friendly vibes, and when you’re with a new person either getting down, or looking at each other on the couch intently, friendly vibes never hurt anyone. This song is taking a virtual mood elevator, and you’ll both be better for it.

11. Unwritten Law – “Cailin”

A somewhat lovey-dovey entry into the Love Lounge, but it’s got an upbeat demeanor as opposed to the desperate longing of other radio-friendly romance jams. This song’s not actually about a romantic partner, but was written for lead singer Scott Russo’s daughter, but no one needs to know that. Two reasons it’s here: 1)It’s just a really well-constructed, sweet song; and 2) Women absolutely swoon for this thing. I’ve seen it happen live, and they just turn into a big pile of noodles when it comes on. Translation: Winner!

12. The Grass Roots – “Let’s Live for Today”

Sha na na na na na live for today

This is the second make or break point of this mix. If Fiona Apple didn’t seal the deal and you’re still inexplicably on the possible road to freakytown, the theme of abandoning worldly cares for the sake of living for today “and take the most from living and pleasure while we can” should subconsciously do the job. This is an old song, and as an odd bit of trivia: Creed Bratton from “The Office” was in this band, and plays guitar on this song. So if you’ve somehow wandered into the unfortunate “friend zone,” at least you’ll have interesting tidbits to share. I’m here for you on a number of levels.

13. Jamiroquai – “Corner of the Earth”

I realize it’s probably weird to have two Jamiroquai songs on one mix unless you’re related to one of the members of Jamiroquai or something, but whatever. If you think “Virtual Insanity” is underrated, you’re probably familiar with the rest of Jamiroquai’s stuff too rendering this at least somewhat logical. Enjoy the mellow funkiness one more time!

14. Norah Jones – “Waiting”

Norah Jones is one of those insanely talented people it’s okay for everyone to enjoy no matter your usual musical taste. The aching beauty of Norah’s piano coupled with the sensual delivery of “I’m just waiting for you to come home and turn me on” will melt just about anyone. Norah’s so elegant that the overt sensuality doesn’t come off as obnoxious horniness, but genuine affection. That’s just good execution, and this song should come standard on any mix like this.

15. Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Soul to Squeeze”

If you’re not tongue-deep in an amorous entanglement by now, pull out all the stops and drop some knowledge. This is the song that plays just before Connie Conehead and Ronnie the mechanic (played by Chris Farley) use the sensor rings and do it Remulak-style. If that don’t get her motor runnin’, nothing will. Chicks love Coneheads. Or you could just enjoy a muted offering from the Peppers as we bring this playlist to a close.

16. Bush – “Alien”

Gavin wants you back in bed.

Ideally this song is enjoyed in a post-orgasmic haze while you both absent-mindedly stare at the ceiling. You never feel quite as alien as you do immediately after sex, particularly after sex with someone new. And this song’s sparse instrumentation and distant-sounding vocals from Gavin Rossdale typify this feeling eerily well. It’s a great comedown song (ironically much better than Bush’s song “Comedown”), and at six lazy minutes, a good way to cap off what was hopefully an awesome night of drinks, conversation, and a terrific endorphin release.

Best of luck to you in your next encounter. Use this mix wisely, and I guarantee you’ll up your chances for success with that guy or gal you got your eye on. And failing that, you’ve got an eclectic mix of great tunes for kicking at home in the twilight with your favorite beverage.

Either way, thanks for returning to the Love Lounge.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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