Cru Jones Society

 

Confessional time again, and we asked you to play God. Unfortunately, no one seemed terribly interested in playing, so we’re a bit light once again. We suspect last week’s question (What song makes its way onto your mixtapes most often?) and this week’s question: “You get to make a superchild for any reason. Which two people do you take DNA from to make this kid?” are just a tad abstract and since you likely have plenty to do, pondering the DNA of a hypothetical child isn’t exactly high on your list of priorities. So next week’s topic is much more straightforward. Check it out at the bottom.

But first, let’s take a look at some superchildren. We had fun with this, and we hope you do too. So welcome to the Confessional, and answer our new question at the bottom.

Lee S. Hart: My first thought is to have some kind of super sports star child. So to meet that goal I would choose an Olympic swimmer. I suppose a more specific answer would be good, but I can’t really think of any aside from Amanda Beard and I don’t want to use her. Swimmers are super athletic and have a strong determination. As for the father have to go with Joe Sakic. Not only are hockey players in excellent shape, but Sakic had some of the best skills in the game. Also Sakic demonstrated nothing but all the right behaviors as an athlete, something that is not seen a lot in sports. In addition both of these people are fairly good looking, assuming I pick the right the swimmer. I’m not saying that is a necessity for a child, but it would make thing easier for them.’

My next idea would be to combine a couple of musicians and hope my child will be a huge rock style that I can exploit. For this I think I would use Dave Grohl for his mastery of several different instruments and for his charisma. His ability to be in no less than two very successful bands also tells me there is some smarts going in that head of his. For the other chromosome I turn to Beyonce. Let’s face it good looks plays a big role in being successful in the music industry these days, so let’s take we can get from her on that. Beyonce is not my type of music, but she has a fantastic voice and if we can pass that along combined with the instrument skills then this kid can have a better musical career than Jacob Dylan

Or we can go the super easy and obvious route to get a super child. The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman. That’s like a 12 million dollar kid, and that’s before we calculate in the inflation rates.

E Dagger: The first and most obvious answer here is Chuck Norris and Hillary Clinton. That kid would be completely unstoppable combining the insane drive, poise, and ruthlessness of Hillary with the relentless roundhouse kicking and all around badassery of Chuck Norris. This kid would rule the world by the time he was eight, and have us all enslaved in perpetual servitude to him by his 12^th birthday. His whole body would be made of fists except for his inexplicable cankles, which would just be hilarious.

If you’re going for an all-time competitive eater, were they both not dead, you couldn’t choose anyone better than Andre the Giant and Mama Cass. I remember a story told by Bobby “The Brain” Heenan where he had run into Carl Reiner, the director of The Princess Bride, at Andre’s funeral, and Reiner mentioned Andre’s $25,000 hotel bill. Turns out, Andre didn’t rent one movie and the entire tab had been run up in the bar. He refused to leave, so the bartender agreed to keep the bar open as long as Andre was drinking. Andre proceeded to down 40 vodka tonics in one sitting and ran up a hefty bill. The point? Andre was a total freak of nature, and when you combine him with the power of the muumuu contained in Mama Cass (who was not killed by a ham sandwich, it turns out, and conversely, probably slayed many a ham sandwich in her day), you’ve got an inexorable eating machine.

You could also make yourself the most hilarious drunk in the world by combining Donatella Versace with Bob Einstein (aka Super Dave Osborne). Truthfully, you could pair up Donatella Versace with virtually anyone and have the funniest drunk of all-time, but if you’ve ever seen that bit with Bob Einstein doing Century Club on “The Man Show” you know his raspy, weird voice would combine with Donatella’s bizarre, slurry half-drawl and make the funniest drunk voice ever. Geez, forget the kid, I just want to get drunk with these two people in the same room. How great would that be?

If I could have a superchild, I’d want to have a girl, and I’d want her to re-invent comedy as we know it. I suspect Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are already attempting this with their child, but if I could have any two people create the comedy super-girl, I’d have Patton Oswalt shoot his goof juice into Tina Fey’s hoo-ha. This scenario shouldn’t surprise anyone considering I chose these two people as two of my three famous friends in last summer’s edition of Desert Island,  but what can I say? I think they have two of the most creative minds out there, and I think their child would either be the funniest chick ever conceived, or giving handjobs for weed in the bus station bathroom from growing up with those two Froot Loops as parents. Either way, I’d love to find out.

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And now for our readers. Keithage goes for world power while CassieB suspects this child already exists.

Keithage: Um… my butt and uh… your butt…  heh heh, heh heh.   Or how about Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin.  Those two’s kid would have to be the best ruler in the world.  Anyone who can stay in power for over 10 years despite term limits combined with the ruler of Germany = one scary effed up kid.

CassieB: Good news, I already have a superchild.  He was created with a combination of my DNA as well as that of my husband. I don’t mean to brag, but he is a supreme specimen…

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That’s not actually food on his face, he’s turning into The Incredible Hulk. Watching a little baby shred his clothes, pick up his high chair and throw it through the bay window is terrifying enough on its own, and then you think about what that does to a parent’s budget, and it’s just that much more frightening. Good luck containing your little beast, good woman. CJS is pulling for you.

This week’s question is an easy one. Very simply: Who was your favorite professional wrestler? Everyone’s stumbled upon wrestling at some point, and ask anyone on the street this question, they’ll likely have an answer. So tell us yours. Tell us if you were a Hulkamaniac. Let us know if you smelled what The Rock was cookin’. Hell, maybe it’s Randy “The Ram” Robinson from The Wrestler. Whatever the case, don’t be a rudy-poo candy ass and give up the goods on who your favorite fake fighter was.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week. Dig it!

Hart & Dagger