If Hart Had a Robot

In the opening scene of Short Circuit, we are treated to a demonstration of what the robots can do, which includes making a gin and tonic. Now if you’re anything like us, when you saw a multimillion dollar robot complete a menial task with as much grace as Helen Keller you thought, “Damn, I need a Gin-and-Tonic-Bot!” Dagger and I spent several months wishing we had a robot to make our gin and tonics, never any other drinks, just the gin and tonics. But that was years ago. Since then we have put our jobs aside and thought more about what we would really want if we had a robot. So this week is dedicated to our dream robots.

At first I thought it would be great to have a robot just to do all the b.s. housework I didn’t like doing. Then I realized I just described Rosie from the Jetsons, and let’s face it, what’s fun about that? So instead of being lazy and making a robot to do that boring stuff I can do, I decided the robot has to be built for fun.

First things first, music. The robot will have an iPod docking station and speakers. Also it will produce for me an iPod, as I seem to be the only person in my age group who doesn’t have one. I see old ladies on the bus with iPods and it makes me sad to realize they are more hip than I am. Why a docking station and not just a built in iPod? Well, I may not want this robot to go everywhere with me. I’m not about to make a smother-bot.

There will be some built in music though. Sometimes this bot will accompany me to places and for those occasions I want it to play the Imperial March from Star Wars whenever I enter a room. Awesome, or nerdy? You decide, also if you said nerdy, then you’re a jerk, but I understand.

The built in music would also contain classic piano like Beethoven and Mozart. This is just to help me fall asleep and keep all the riff-raff away.

When this robot of mine isn’t playing music, it goes into trivia mode. It’ll read off Jeopardy type clues, and all I have to do is shout out an answer, in the form of a question, and it will tell me if I’m right or wrong. This will not only help me learn but it will also tickle that trivia bone that lies within me.

I thought having a robot would be useful for making its own kind of drink, like beer. That seems like an obvious way to go. I thought why not have a robot that can distil whiskey? Then I remembered one crucial part of the whiskey flavor I love comes from the whiskey being aged in barrels. It would be a pain for this robot to be made partially of oak barrels, or for me to try and keep oak barrels in my apartment. So it’ll just have a gauge telling it when the whiskey is low and it’ll go out and get more so I always have some on hand.

While we’re on liquids, this bot will be filled with milk and will dispense it perfectly for whatever kind of cereal I am having. Some cereal gets soggy faster than other kids, like Chex, so it needs less milk. I can’t always judge what I’m pouring in the morning, hell I’m just lucky I actually grab the milk. But the robot will be able to judge the cereal and pour the optimum amount for taste perfection.

One task I would want this robot to perform would be shaving my head. This is a task I absolutely hate doing, but I hate having hair slightly more. The robot would be able to shave the hair as it massaged my scalp. That would feel awesome. And it would have small vacuums in these massaging shaving finger deals. This way I could be anywhere, i.e. in front of the TV, while I get my hair cut. Come to think of it, the hot lather shave I got for Dagger’s wedding was phenomenal. The robot should be able to do those too. It can transform into the barber chair and then go to town with the awesome facial shave.

Now for one important feature, a b.s. detector. Not a literal b.s. detector, because if I am some place where I need a robot to detect actual excrement from a bull then I went wrong somewhere in my life and I need that robot to do all lot more than feces detection. What I mean is detecting the half truths and B.S. that people try to tell you in hopes of impressing or confusing you. Then the robot would call the perpetrator on it too. This would shut up a lot of sales people and douche bags at the bar.

Also my robot would give me the secret word of the day.

Those are definitely the features I would want in a robot to make my life better. Now we move on to a few necessities the robot needs to have, mainly for my safety.

In everything ever that involves robots, they become self-aware. Sometimes it just means they are emo because they realize they look like a metallic version of Robin Williams, or aren’t loved or something. But more often the robots become angry and violent and rise up against humans. So I want some things in place to make sure my robot doesn’t kill me. I have it practically doing bitch work, of it becomes self- aware it will have no other option but to attack me, least it be called Uncle Tom Robot by all its robot buddies.

First I would make sure the robot wasn’t life size. Clearly I can’t have it be the size of the robots Beck exploits in that one video of his, but I can’t have it stand eye to eye with me as it would easoly dominate. I’m thinking if the bot was the size on Napoleon I would be safe, or at least safer. A Napoleon size robot would still be strong and could do a lot of damage, but with its short legs, I think I could out run it.

But that is really just a fail safe in case the main anti-self aware precaution malfunctions. Within the robot I plan on having several sensors designed to know when the robot becomes self-aware. Hey, if little Anakin Skywalker can build C-3PO, then I can have self-aware sensors. Once the sensors are tripped three things would happen, a virus would be released throughout the robot, a short circuit would occur, and finally the arms and limbs would fall off. Like a self destruct without an explosion, because come on, a robot exploding could do some damage. You may be thinking the virus or the short circuit would cause the other to not work properly, and both would stop the limbs from detaching. Well to that I say, shut up. Stop picking at the logic holes in my plan. Just hope it all works, because it could come after you next.

Well that’s my robot. Maybe I should have spent more to make it awesome and more of servant or friend, but I don’t trust robots and I think the preventive steps in case of the attack is what it needs. You can go ahead and get your robot without the self destruct feature and we’ll see who survives in the long run. Just remember Will Smith needed the aid of a robot to defeat other robots, what chance do you think you’ll have?