Tomorrow is National Pie Day and to get you in the mood for some delicious apple, cherry, or even some weirdo flavor that only you would like we’re slicing up a warm, freshly baked Happy Friday. The special ingredients we used this week include a helping of Tony Clifton, a tbsp. of The Simpsons, and just a dash of the Pope. Baked for 45 minutes, it is now ready for you enjoyment. So grab a fork and dive on in.

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We’re going to kick things off with the link most emailed to us this week. Since we got it from no less than three people, including CJS regulars Ferris and CassieB, you have probably already heard about sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com. But if you haven’t here is a brief idea of what it’s about. A man talks in his sleep, almost every night, and his wife records it and types it up into a blog. Drop dead hilarious non-sequiturs, and he cusses a lot in his sleep, which seems really awesome for some reason. Some of our personal favorites include, “My bagder’s [sic] gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!” “Dogs’ scrotums. They stretch.” And “Avocados? You can shove them up your ass as well.”

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From nocturnal admissions to religious denouncements we want to tell you that the Pope is pissed off about Global Warming. He’s as mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore! The failure of world leaders to agree on a climate change treaty has caused Benedict to get his good vestments all in a bunch. The earth is God’s creation and Pope Benedict XVI doesn’t want to see God’s creation get all f***ed up and is begging for us all to do our part and help protect it. We knew this Pope was a member of Hitler youth, but we had no idea he was a tree hugging hippie.

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Well, if we do lose this planet we can always float through space on the Satellite of Love. For those of you that don’t speak geek, that is the satellite Mike and the robots are stuck on in “Mystery Science Theater 3000″. And if you do speak geek and new what we were talking about then you are going to enjoy these earrings. And if you’re a girl who likes them, and are single, what are you doing Saturday night? I’m sure the earrings wouldn’t get worn after the second time I did the “robot roll call.”

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Earrings depicting some of our favorite pop culture characters are awesome, as is a desk vacuum. Ok maybe that needs some clarification, a desk vacuum that looks like a Zamboni. Let’s face it; you cannot be productive unless you have a fresh sheet of ice. Run the Zamboni Desk Vacuum and you’re good to go. You’ll be busting out projects like Wayne Gretzky busted out goals, and your boss will have no choice but to retire your number. This might be one of the coolest items ever, the reader who sent it to us, Flickerbock, thinks so.

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Before your boss ever even thinks about retiring your number, you are more likely to hit stage 5 of Maxim.com’s 5 Stages of a Job. In our opinion these are all very accurate, and slightly sad as we realized we’re in the 4th and 5th stages. I actually fantasized about removing one of my cubicle walls yesterday a la Office Space. Those days of power naps, ketchup sandwiches, and masturbating to “Dancing with the Stars” don’t seem so bad at the moment. FML.

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If we were really looking to get fired we could also go the Harry Reid route and toss around racial slurs like we live in 1990s Alabama. Sure we may use one now and then behind closed doors, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world, but we would never be retarded enough to use one in a published book. And if we did, we wouldn’t wait so long to apologize. This article paints a picture of just what kind of scumbag this asshat really is. Seriously, get bent, helmet.

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We always find it funny to call somebody helmet. Speaking of funny things to call someone, here is a montage of fun Simpsons names. From Guy Incognito to Xoxchitla, this is a fun video to watch. Also we get the reminder that some names are very popular and we should always keep the Bort license plates stocked up. Oh and one last thing I am supposed to say here, I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt. Hey!

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Some of those names were probably created by Conan O’Brien. And as you may recall there has been a lot of news surrounding him lately. Well he and NBC came to an agreement. They are going to give him a ton of money and he is leaving the “Tonight Show.” But what we really enjoy was this 2004 clip from funnyordie.com when Jay Leno announced on the “Tonight Show” that he would be leaving and handing the reins over to Coco. Apparently Jay will say anything on air, whether he believes it or not. Here’s hoping Letterman stays number 1.

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In more news about TV shows we don’t or won’t be watching, we got this clip from CJS regular st80umseating. “Lost” is set to premiere its latest and final season, and insiders are saying this season promises to make fans of the show even more annoying than ever before. So if you don’t watch “Lost” it is highly advised you avoid talks with “Lost” fans. If you live with a “lost” fan don’t worry there will be shelters set up where you can go. Go ahead and brace yourself now for the impact that is coming.

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Enough with these shows we don’t care about, let’s talk about “The Big Bang Theory.” This is a great insight into how the character of Penny has grown and how that has saved the show. And it is completely true. All the best scenes in the show involve Penny and Sheldon and they only work because Penny has become more than, as this author put it, “just a prop.” We hope she, and all the characters continue to grow and continue to make this one of our favorite shows. Lord knows every decision made at the CJS offices is decided with a best of 7 of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock match.

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“The Big Bang Theory” is the first show to play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock on TV; we’re assuming the citation is still needed on that one. However, there are many TV plot devices that are so common place we hardly remember which show they first happened on. Lucky for us someone out there decided to do some actual research and created this list of famous television first. We just have to give mad props to Shatner for breaking color bearers and being part of the first interracial kiss. Don’t see Stewart doing anything like that. Suck it, TNG!

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One of our other favorite things to watch on TV is MMA and of course we have some news on that, but hey we don’t have any baseball news this week. First and most importantly the ongoing Brock Lesnar saga. He developed a problem with his digestive tract and his fighting career was in question. Well that question has been answered. Brock is back, bitches! He’s healthy and he’s cleared to fight. Dana White says there will be a Lesnar title defense this summer. We are happy Lesnar is ok, but we are ecstatic that we will get to see him rain down those lunch box fist on a sucka this year. It’s brutal and intense and fun to watch.

Speaking of brutal and intense and a little chaotic we got this clip of a tag team MMA match from geekweek.com. Watching two guys double team a guy in the octagon is little hard to watch. They can only double up for a 5 count, but it still looks a little vicious. It has potential and we want to see where it goes, but man it can be hard to watch.

Our love of MMA has roots in the wrestling we watched for years, well into our college lives. But we assume we’re not the only ones who have watched some wrestling at some point in life. Since we assume that, we decided to use the Monday Confessional to get you to confession something you may not have admitted ever in your life. This week we want to know: Who was your favorite wrestler? We’re you a little Hulkamaniac? Perhaps you caught John Cena in The Marine and your heart went all a flutter. Or maybe your only interest in wrestling was A.C. Slater taking on Nedick. Whoever it is we want to hear about it. Send you responses to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll pin them to the mat on Monday.

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Between the two of us, Dageer and myself, we have spent about 4 years living with Senor Limon, and during that time we could never fully figure out his schedule. We assumed he had classes, he did eventually get a degree, but due to his habits we were never sure when they were. Kyle Fisher has gone through this same thing and it is just baffling. It was never fully explained and we never really sought answers, but he was always around to party on Friday nights so we just let it be. But this article will give an idea of what it is like living with Senor Limon. But we’d do it again if he ever moved out of the damn desert.

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One of our favorite, and most bizarre, Limon moments was when he no long became able to do a Tony Clifton impression. This was one of the best impressions he could do. It was incredible. Then one day, in the middle of the impression, he just lost it and was never able to do it again. Never have we ever seen anyone lose an impression in the middle of performing it. Pure wackiness. Though the kind of thing we would expect when Tony Clifton is involved, much like this interview with him for the A.V. Club. Just to give you a heads up in case you have already wasted a crapton of time, this interview is a long one, but totally worth checking out.

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A little demotivation to start your weekend.

Rock and roll all night and party every day, or part of the night and every other day. And Get some pie!

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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