Cru Jones Society

Although my interest has waned in recent years, professional wrestling is live theater in its simplest form and remains one of my favorite “in the moment” entertainments. You’ve got a hero, you’ve got a villain, you’ve got conflict, and after plenty of (admittedly) contrived and semi-ridiculous violence, you’ve got resolution.

Individual matches are standalone stories, or can function like chapters in a book. Either you’ve got a satisfying beginning, middle, and end, or in some cases, when you string several of them together, you form a complete and fully realized story that, when executed well, rivals any form of entertainment on the planet bar none.

It’s examples you crave? Alright then…

The rise and fall of tag team (and brothers) Edge & Christian is simply an updated and adapted re-telling of Cain & Abel from the Bible. Scott Keith once dubbed Steve Austin’s 1998 rampage against Vince McMahon “The Communist Revolution Redux” for how closely it mirrored Bolshevik thinking in the USSR. He then correctly pointed out how the nWo basically appropriated Nazi propaganda techniques to indoctrinate youth. Granted, their goal was simply to sell t-shirts and live event tickets and not invade Poland, but if you’re a student of history, noticing the parallels adds a layer of fun to the proceedings.

I’ll fully admit that a terrible match with a bad storyline ranks among the worst entertainment pursuits ever, and that poor wrestling reminds the audience of the choreographed nature of the exhibition like shiny Carmex on a freshly treated cold sore. When wrestling’s bad, it’s really bad. But when it’s good, it’s great.

And that’s what we’re here to discuss today. Not to reach too far for a simile, but defining why a match is “good” is sort of like trying to explain why art is “good.” Does it have to do with technique? Meaning? What the painting symbolizes? Its place in history? Its context within a larger body of work? You can point to any number of factors for bestowing praise upon a piece of art. The same is true of professional wrestling. Although given the nature of the subject matter, I probably should have just gone the Joe Dirt route and asked, “Why’s a tree good? Why’s a sunset good?” and left it at that, but since we’re trying to elevate the discourse around here, I’ll attempt to aim higher.

In the space below, I’ll provide 5 examples of outstanding professional wrestling matches that I believe, if watched objectively by a non-fan, would suck him or her in. Each match was chosen for a different reason, and I’ll break it down both in nerd-speak terms as well as why even a non-fan might enjoy it.

So here we go. Here’s 5 Matches Even a Non-Fan Will Enjoy.

Match: Hulk Hogan VS. The Rock
Event: WrestleMania18
Reason Non-Fans Will Love It: Spectacle

Wrestling Nerd Explanation

So here we have the biggest star of the 1980s, and unquestionably the most recognizable professional wrestler of all-time squaring off against the sport’s current biggest star and to date, the only one to successfully cross over into mainstream pop culture and stay there. It’s a wrestling mark’s wet dream come to life as if watching the past tangibly clash with the present at the biggest event of them all: WrestleMania. No matter which side of the fence you fell on in terms of favorites, there wasn’t a nerd anywhere who didn’t have an interest in this match if only for the sake of history. Sure, the match was bound to suck donkey in terms of workrate considering Hogan was a spry 48 years old at the time, but it didn’t matter. We were getting to see an epic clash the likes of which we hadn’t seen probably since Hogan’s seminal match with Andre the Giant in 1987.

Real Person Explanation

Remember in 2006 when bitter, longtime college football rivals Ohio State and Michigan met with both carrying 11-0 records? The winner would not only guarantee themselves a spot in the national championship game, but would earn bragging rights over their most hated foe for an entire year as well. It was billed as one of the biggest college football games of all-time, and the environment was electric all week leading up to the game.

Hogan VS Rock was the professional wrestling equivalent of this game and the crowd in the Toronto Skydome was thick with anticipation. It’s the loudest crowd you’ll ever hear in a pro wrestling match, and it’s damn near impossible not to get sucked into that kind of ambience. Avs/Red Wings, Lakers/Celtics, Packers/Vikings, Cubs/Cardinals – rivalry games are the best and even if you have no rooting interest in the outcome, watching two teams who genuinely don’t like each other just pulls you into the mudpit with them.

The difference is that in real sports, the past almost never gets to clash with the present. Arguments like: “Who was better – the 2009 Yankees or the 1998 Yankees?” happen everyday, and we only get to speculate at the right answer.

Since we’re talking about professional wrestling here (i.e. the action is scripted), we can suspend our disbelief long enough to ignore that the behemoth 30 year-old Rock would destroy the broken down 48 year-old Hogan easily in a real fight and let the drama take over. We get our fantasy matchup for real, and see a confrontation that is the living embodiment of a clash of eras. What was better? Hogan’s Rock ‘N Wrestling Era or The Rock’s Attitude Era?

The crowd begins split 50/50 in terms of favorites, but rally behind sentimental favorite Hogan by the end booing every punch by Rock and wildly cheering every evil tactic by Hogan. I hated Hogan with the power of a thousand suns by this point, but even I can’t help but get drawn in by this match even if I was cheering for the wrong guy. It’s a sight (and sound) to behold and I have yet to show this match to anyone who wasn’t sitting on the edge of their seat with the crowd by the end wincing at near falls, “ooohing” and “aaahing” with every punch, and celebrating the ending along with everyone else. It’s pure spectacle. The dream match realized, the hypothetical scenario come to life, the ultimate showdown for the modern era. Awesome.

Match: The Rockers VS. The Orient Express
Event: Royal Rumble ‘91
Reason Non-Fans Will Love It: Poetry In Motion

Wrestling Nerd Explanation

During Vince’s late 80s talent raids (as I alluded to in yesterday’s Confessional), Vince stole The Rockers from Verne Gagne’s AWA. One of the reasons The Rockers were so desirable as a talent acquisition was because of their long-running and thoroughly entertaining and bloody feud with rivals Badd Company, Pat Tanaka and Paul Diamond. Since McMahon liked his heels nice and foreign, he stole Pat Tanaka too and paired him up with jobber Akio Sato and dubbed them the Orient Express, a generic evil Japanese team. Everyone realized this was ridiculous since Tanaka already had a great partner in Diamond, and Sato was duller than dry toast. Vince eventually wised up and dumped Sato, signed Diamond (who was white, by the way), put him under an Oriental-looking mask, and made them the new Orient Express. Everyone looked forward to seeing The Rockers refresh their kickass feud with Badd Company, and Royal Rumble ’91 was our first chance to do so.

Real Person Explanation

Everyone loves to watch someone accomplish a task with an exceeding amount of skill. Watching someone do something effortlessly is always enjoyable. It’s the reason I get sucked into “Yankee Workshop” on PBS despite the fact that I mostly have no idea what in God’s name Norm Abram is doing and personally don’t even enjoy building stuff myself. He’s just so damned good at it, and accomplishes such semi-complex carpentry techniques with the grace of a harp player, that it’s pure joy to watch.

Watching The Rockers battle with The Orient Express, you get to see two teams who know each other extraordinarily well practice their skill better than anyone else. They know each other’s rhythms, each other’s quirks, and have such experience honing their craft, they can play the audience for optimum reactions from start to finish. The Rockers and The Orient Express are like Montana and Rice in the 80s. They don’t even need to talk to know what the other’s thinking, they just go to where they need to go, and magic happens.

The beat and the pacing of this match reminds one of a really good piece of classical music. It swells and recedes, and builds to climax, then finishes with a flurry. You get to see four men tell a great story in the middle of the ring with each other for 15 minutes better than almost anyone else could together. It’s truly a thing of beauty. Chemistry and flawless execution make this one a keeper. If we’re talking in baseball terms, this match is a picture perfect double play – just a thing of beauty.

Match: Rey Mysterio, Jr. VS Psychosis
Event: WCW Bash at the Beach ‘96
Reason Non-Fans Will Love It: Acrobatics

Wrestling Nerd Explanation

Basically, WCW’s Cruiserweight division kicked ass at the time, and since Rey and Psychosis had been feuding for a long time, their pay-per-view culmination promised to deliver the sweet, sweet lucha libre action we all loved and would serve as the refreshing tonic to the bitter pills we all had to eat on that card like Joe Gomez VS. Steve McMichael and Big Bubba VS John Tenta. Read those names again Big Bubba VS John Tenta. I don’t care if you’re hearing those names for the first time right now, does that sound like two men you’d ever want to pay money to see square off? Big Bubba VS. John Tenta. Sounds like the finals of a pie eating contest or something.

Rey Mysterio VS Psychosis? That just sounds awesome and weird. And sure enough, it was.

Real Person Explanation

In short, if you can get sucked into watching men’s gymnastics every couple of years during the Olympics, you’ll enjoy the hell out of this match. Rey and Psychosis flip, flop, and bounce around the ring like a couple of manic superballs and twist and fly off the top rope into the ring and outside of it with reckless disregard for their own bodies. It’s like if Olympic-caliber gymnasts had the disposition of the cast of Jackass combined with the desire to entertain like James Brown.

Every time you think you’ve seen the best, most high-flying, daredevil move of the match, the other guy comes back and tops it with something even more spin-happy and groin-grabbingly insane. Their choreography is out of control here, and the breakneck pace kept up here for the duration would make most heavy metal drummers take notice. 

Personally I know that when I watch gymnastics, I’m disappointed the guys aren’t there trying to beat the death out of each other. How much more entertaining would the high bar be if on the dismount he had pin a rival gymnast from another country with a moonsault? Thankfully, you don’t have to wait to find out because these two guys show you what that would be like with innovative, high-flying violence!

Match: The Dudley Boyz VS Edge & Christian VS The Hardy Boyz (Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match for the Tag Team Championships)
Event: WrestleMania X-7
Reason Non-Fans Will Love It: Violence!

Wrestling Nerd Explanation

In 1999, after years of neglect, the WWF finally re-established a respectable tag team division. In the late 80s and early 90s, you could always count on a couple of good tag team contests on every card with the likes of the Hart Foundation, The Rockers, The Orient Express, Demolition, The British Bulldogs, The Brain Busters, and The Fabulous Rougeaus. Slowly but surely, the promotion stopped giving a damn about tag team wrestling and we had to watch awful teams like The Bodydonnas and The Godwinns (who played hog farmers for Christ’s sake) face each other in matches that sucked, and sucked with zeal.

Finally tag team wrestling made a comeback, and a ton of decent-to-great teams were formed. The three teams listed above carried the division and traded the belts with each other over the course of the year leading up to this match. This match serves as the pinnacle of tag team wrestling in the new millennium, and they went out with a bang.

Real Person Explanation

I used to get really defensive when someone would say “That stuff’s all fake.” So I’d show them a match like this where guys hit each other with ladders and fall through tables from 10 feet above and say things like, “How’s that fake, huh?!” Not only did my adversary not care about the real pain felt by the performers, I just looked like even more of an insolent jackass in the process by trying to prove how “real” it was.

The truth is, there’s no way to get hit by a ladder in a way that’s fake. It helps that the guys know it’s coming, but a big metal contraption slamming into your dome is still a big metal contraption slamming into your dome regardless of your opponent’s intent. What matters is how these props are used in the context of the match. And you can’t help but get sucked into entertaining violence.

The match breaks down like this. The championship belts are suspended above the ring and you and your partner have to climb a ladder to retrieve them. First team to do so wins. Around the ring are tables, more ladders, and chairs. The goal is to incapacitate your opponents enough using these weapons to the point that you can climb the ladder without interruption and claim the belts.

And thus, we have a real live stuntman exhibition show played out in front of us. Stunts in movies always look good, but that’s thanks to editing. Live stunt shows at Universal Studios always look sort of cheesy because the set-up always obscures your vision to where we can’t see all the magic of the fabulous stunts in front of us. A pro wrestling match like this is on full display for everyone to see from beginning to end.

So when Jeff Hardy dives off a 15 foot ladder through a table holding two prone victims on it, you see the set-up, you see him dive off, and you see the aftermath. There’s no apparent gimmickry, only a damned impressive stunt. And in this match considering we’re dealing with 6 terrific professionals (Actually 9 once all the ancillary characters have their say too), the hits come fast, they come furious, and they come hard. It’s a demolition derby and the carnage on display is glorious. Especially when everyone gets up and walks to the back once it’s over.

Match: Ric Flair VS Randy “Macho Man” Savage for the WWF Championship
Event: WrestleMania VIII
Reason Non-Fans Will Love It: Storytelling

Wrestling Nerd Explanation

In 1992 if you were to look up the greatest matches of the modern era, two would undoubtedly be right near the top of the list: Ric Flair VS Ricky Steamboat from Chi-Town Rumble ’89 and Randy Savage VS Ricky Steamboat from WrestleMania III in ‘87. Looking at those two matches the common denominator is obviously Steamboat, but who wouldn’t want to see what the other two guys could do with each other? No one, that’s who.

You’ve got two of the finest workers in the ring together, and two of the absolute premiere hype men building the match up beforehand. Throw in a storyline where Ric Flair claims to have loved Savage’s wife Liz before he did, and you’ve got a recipe for an epic showdown. Savage and Flair could both cut batnuts insane promos, so we were treated to a wonderful display of bizarre hype from two certifiably insane loony toons leading up to the match. Awesome!

Real Person Explanation

Pro wrestling is often called a “soap opera for men.” In terms of fitting that description, this match is about as good as it gets. This match is all passion play as you’ve got noted jerk and cocky asshole Ric Flair mercilessly screwing with Savage in the most personal way possible. He’s making a run at his woman which has Savage justifiably boiling with rage. The match begins with Savage unleashing holy hell all over Flair until the relentless cheating by Flair’s manager Mr. Perfect slows him down.

The audience aches for Flair’s comeuppance, but with some nefarious tactics and the continued cheating of Mr. Perfect, it never seems to come whipping the audience into a frenzy. After Perfect cheats one time too many, Liz can no longer take it and runs to ringside to help her man despite the protests of WWF officials. She shouts encouragement to Savage, but Flair, with the match well in hand by this point, takes to casually hitting on her and promising her another run at him once the match is over.

Savage seizes on Flair’s hubris, rolls him up for the pin, wins the WWF title and defends his lady’s honor as the roof blows off the arena. It’s live drama with twists and turns and unbridled passion running through the entire thing. Post-match, Flair plants a kiss on Liz which makes Savage go ballistic and attack Flair with a tornado of arms and legs. They then retreat to the locker room where they both cut two of the most mind-bendingly, entertainingly bizarre interviews in the history of professional wrestling. This feud really had it all, and the story told inside the ring alone is worthy of big heaping gobs of praise.

If you’re not a fan of professional wrestling, I understand. It’s not for everyone, and more often than not, it touches awful more often than it touches greatness. But the above five matches are fantastic, and if you ever find yourself wanting to give this goofy business a try – here’s where you start. I’ve got each one linked above. You may decide it’s not for you, but I guarantee you that you can’t help but smile while you watch these gems.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com