Cru Jones Society

Happy Friday to the ballers, gangsters, players, player-haters, drinkers of Haterade, those who don’t hate the player but hate the game, and straight-up pimpdogs in the CJS universe with us this week. You macked another week, dog, so you best be fendin’ to raise up and get your internet on. Cuz at CJS it’s laid out like dat. We got your punk ass covered like a jimmy hat.

In this edition: Miserable old (brilliant) bastard J.D. Salinger dies, Steve Jobs kick starts another round of absurd blowjobbery from Apple fanboys with his latest plaything, Nazis perform community service, people look like fools with their pants on the ground, and we do our best not to use embarrassingly outdated non-white slang. Join us, won’t you?

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Let’s start with an obituary that would be sadder had this guy not been a reclusive weirdo for the last 50+ years. Revered author of The Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger died Wednesday at age 91. We love The Catcher in the Rye, but not as much as Mark David Chapman who thought it was so good, he became inspired to murder John Lennon in 1980. We’re not sure what version that dude read, but it must have been incredible.

We’d like to say we’re going to miss Salinger, but considering he spent his days alone in Cornish, NH, truthfully, we’re happy he’s dead because that means we might finally have access to those 15 unpublished novels his neighbor claims Salinger wrote. Although, if this piece of journalism is to be believed, most of it is just Terminator fan fiction. But that could be awesome in its own way too. You never know.  R.I.P. Mr. Salinger. Hope heaven (or hell if you read the disturbing account of him that his daughter wrote is to be believed – yeesh) isn’t lousy with phonies.

On a quasi-related note, quasi-historian and left wing nutjob Howard Zinn also died this week. Since he’s dead, we’re sure that left wing intellectual impostors everywhere will feel even more liberated to cite his work in making ill-conceived attacks against the United States government. We’re not saying Zinn wasn’t brilliant, but there are few that have their work co-opted and misinterpreted by half-cooked zealots in their poorly structured rants against “the man.” So we can all look forward to that.

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Death gives way to birth in Happy Friday, and this week saw Steve Jobs unleash the iPad on the world. In our opinion, the iPad looks like the worst of both worlds making an iPod Touch too cumbersome to carry around without the computing power of a traditional laptop. Our immediate take on Twitter – which is as good a time as any to remind you to jump on and follow us – was as follows:

The iPad looks like the iPhone equivalent of one of those giant therapy pencils people use after a horrific accident.

And for the record, watching those assholes applaud every Steve Jobs fart in a dark auditorium every couple months is hideously obnoxious.

And let us be the ten millionth ones to point this out, but congratulations on choosing a name that associates you with women’s hygiene. Within the hour of announcing the iPad, #iTampon became the top trending topic on Twitter. Normally Apple is as good as it gets with stuff like this, but we suppose everyone is due for a misstep here and there. We’re certain Apple will make boatloads of profit off this stupid thing, but holy balls is that name retarded.

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Apple has got to be overrated as a company. We know CJS Regular Tron refuses to buy their products out of spite for their smug, self-satisfied marketing campaigns and even became one of 38 people in the entire country to purchase a Zune. We know, right?!

Anyway, their users have got to be compensating for something here considering while Apple systems are admittedly user-friendly, they suck in terms of personal customization. That’s sort of important for moving forward as a society, so the it’s got to be overrated.

But what about what’s underrated? We say actual well-crafted transitions instead of cramming two completely unrelated ideas together like two ill-fitting puzzle pieces is underrated, but it’s also hard as hell. What we want to know from you is: What movie do you think is underrated? What movie never got its just due? What’s dismissed as garbage but actually has artistic merit? We find ourselves in conversations like this at least once a day, so we’re interested to hear from you too. Send your underrated movie pick along with a brief explanation to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll show the world what’s underrated together.

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We doubt there are few people on earth who enjoyed watching Brett Favre lose last weekend as we did. But man, Favre has victory within his grasp, needs five yards to give Minnesota’s above-average field goal kicker an adequate shot at ending the game, scrambles to his right, throws across his body to the middle of the field like a 3A quarterback from Craphouse Falls, Nebraska would do, and gets it picked off. Brilliant! We could not be happier that the last three Favre seasons have ended with a totally avoidable, ridiculous interception to close out the game. Watching Brett Favre choke in the biggest moments never gets old, and if he annoys everyone by becoming the NFL’s monster heel next year with yet another return, we can only hope he gags grandly once again! Best of luck to us all!

On a related note: Screw the Minnesota Vikings and their fans. Hope you enjoyed yet another grandiose choke job, this time at the hands of the hated enemy you embraced as your own. You had this coming once you accepted the greatest Green Bay Packer of all-time as your savior, and we can all only hope that karmic payback sees you suffer for a good 100 more years as a result.

And yes, I’m a Cub fan. Pot-kettle-black. I realize this. Still, the Vikings can suck it.

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Remember a couple weeks ago when Favre sang that “Pants on the Ground” song from the “American Idol” auditions after a Vikings victory and beguiled everyone? Well, it turns out that General Larry Platt, the song’s alleged creator, may have borrowed his lyrics from hip-hop duo The Green Brothers and their 1996 smash hit “Back Pockets on the Floor.”

We’re as shocked as you are. Not that some novelty reality show clown may or may not have ripped off some other old fool, but that “American Idol” remains as popular as ever. We never got into it, and while we’ll admit to being semi-charmed by “Pants on the Ground,” what does everyone see in this show? You know how once a year you’ll get a bug up your ass to go do karaoke? You know why you don’t do it twice a week for three goddamn months? Because karaoke is stupid and fun only when you’re three quarts drunk.

We still like Kelly Clarkson though. And we like that guy on this season’s “The Biggest Loser” who looks like fat Justin Guarini too.

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Speaking of fatties, a blog called “The Oil Drum” recently had an interesting post with semi-believable hypotheses about why the percentage of obese people in this country has stopped growing. If you believe in peak oil (I don’t), this can be viewed as a corollary to that. Good read nevertheless.

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Today was a good day.

By the way, that made me laugh out loud. Hard.

So that means we give a hearty hat tip to Superpoop, one of our new favorite webcomics. We also enjoyed this one of President Obama opening his Christmas gift. You’ll enjoy this if you’re a Democrat, and you may fantasize about it if you’re Republican.

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Sad news for dorky criminals everywhere this week. Apparently an inmate in the Waupun prison in lost his battle against the prison system arguing that a policy banning all Dungeons & Dragons material violated his free speech and due process rights. We can’t imagine anyone becoming a bottom bitch faster than by challenging a fellow inmate to D&D, but then, this is prison, not high school. We imagine most hardened criminals actually have no idea what in the blue hell D&D is, but we were positively tickled by the idea of inmates forming a “gang” around their Dungeons & Dragons game. How quaint.

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“A white supremacist group in Colorado has a new enemy – litter.”

If this isn’t the best opening line to a news story so far this year, then we don’t know anything. CJS Regular Twodogszk sent me this link with the email subject line reading only “Well, that’s nice of them.” Sure is, plus the image of a bunch of neo-Nazis picking up garbage along the side of a highway is just positively delightful.

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One of the greatest movies we’ve yet to see is Better Off Dead. CJS Regular Keithage swears that we would love this movie, and considering how exceedingly right he was about the unparalleled awesomeness of Hot Dog: The Movie! we have no reason to think he’s wrong here. Why do we bring this up? Because Scott’s Blog of Doom linked to an interview with Better Off Dead’s director Savage Steve Holland.

In addition to having only the coolest name this side of Commander Flex Plexico,Savage Steve also directed One Crazy Summer and used to be great friends with John Cusack. Evidently, Cusack hates Better Off Dead and refuses to talk about it, which is the thrust of the interview linked above.

You may be curious as to why anyone gives a damn about Cusack’s opinion of a movie he made 15 years ago, but it’s important to note considering he’s refusing to talk about the unbelievably awesome looking Hot Tub Time Machine (red band trailer here). (Sweet Jesus, this trailer is NSFW!) As The AV Club notes, this looks to be “the most deliberately silly/stupid comedy in a long-time” and to that, we say huzzah! We’ve advocated for checking out the red band trailer before (Superbad, The Hangover), and this time is no different. If you’re not excited as hell for this retarded movie, we can’t help but wonder what you like about visiting this website.

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Speaking of which, we spent the entire week talking about professional wrestling around here and can’t wait to check our web site analytics on Monday to reveal our lowest numbers ever. That’ll be fun, and you’re welcome for all the dorky wrestling love. nWo 4 life!

Since we’ll likely never get the chance to indulge our dweebish past with such gusto ever again, might as well wring this towel dry while we still can.

Counting down to WrestleMania, here’s CanadianOfTheWeek.com’s (yes, that’s a real site – isn’t Canada adorable?) Top 10 Canadian Wrestlers of All-Time.  Grab yourself some poutine and a Molson, and enjoy Canadian wrestling, eh!

Secondly, the Ultimate Warrior got a few mentions this week in our wrestling-themed posts, but never much development. Why is that? Well, despite sucking hindwind in the ring and being a gigantic roidhead, post-wrestling he nearly choked to death spewing idiotic bigotry for the Young Republicans.  Always remember young warriors, “Queering doesn’t make the world work.”

And if Warrior’s antics don’t grab you, make sure to check out what Chunk from The Goonies, Robocop, and Wayne Arnold did after their fame. You’ll be surprised.

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Bet you wondered if we could make it through an entire Happy Friday without a baseball article.  Nope, we can’t. Andre Dawson expressed disappointment this week that he’ll be inducted as a Montreal Expo rather than a Chicago Cub this summer and we’re inclined to agree with him.

First of all, who the hell wants to have a team that doesn’t exist’s logo on their permanent Hall of Fame plaque? Secondly, screw Youppi. That goddamn cross between the Phillie Phanatic and the AIDS muppet can die. Third, as Deadspin argues, “Basically, he became an All-Star as an Expo; he became a Hall-of-Famer in Chicago.” Fourth, if I could make a screensaver out of any video ever, Dawson getting hit in the head by Padres jagoff Eric Show, waking up, making it halfway to the dugout before realizing what happened, then clearing the cobwebs and beating the holy hell out of Show would definitely be in my Top 3. For the record, the other two would be me smoothly feeling up a girl for the first time in Black Bart’s cave at Casa Bonita, and the opening credits of “Hey Dude.”

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And finally, here’s one last pro wrestling jab for all you haters out there.

Happy Friday, Hulkamaniacs! We’ll look forward to runnin’ wild on you next week.

edagger@crujonessociety.com