Friday, Friday, my entire kingdom for want of a Friday! Sacrifice your kingdom not, for Friday comes each and every week, and this Friday’s special because lurking at the end of this weekend is one of the premier party events of the year. It’s Super Bowl weekend where we’re allowed to show up hungover on Monday without the boss questioning our ever-lurking alcoholism and your resultant bloat is not expected, but encouraged.
In addition to Super Bowl fun, we’ll kick off your weekend right with all-around badass William Shatner, Mike The Situation, MMA trash-talking from Chael Sonnen, the commander-in-chief, and Jake Jabs. Yep, the guy who sells cheap sofas and butchers old Waylon Jennings tunes.
It’s all inside. Enjoy your Super Friday.
Since we’re based in Denver, for the 11th consecutive year, we have no one to root for in this Super Bowl. Oddly enough, we also have no one to root against. Normally we hate at least one of the teams involved in the big game, but this year we have no problem with either team. We used to sort of hate Peyton Manning for no adequately explored reason, but those ingratiating Mastercard commercials coupled with his friendly demeanor warmed us up. So, instead of exhausting our brains trying to figure out who we should root for, John Reidy does all the heavy lifting for us and gives us a tale of the tape for both teams determining that Colorado fans should probably root for the Saints. Good enough for us. We’ll take it.
But if those arguments don’t sway you one way or the other, why not just take a gander at this photo essay and determine which team has hotter chicks. (NSFW – but definitely worth checking out from home) When in doubt, always defer to the hot chicks. Even if you glean no insight, you’re still always a winner.
A bowl of another type recently went down, and as the huge fans of trivia we are around here, we’re fully entering this next year. Geek Bowl IV took place at the Gothic Theater, and congratulations to this year’s winners Jesus & Tequila. The thing we like most about Geeks Who Drink, however, is their correct sensibility about the entire trivia process. Check out this video laying out the rules starring local funny guy Adam Cayton-Holland.This positively tickled us just the way Father O’Flannery used to.
In other geek news, you know who else likes social networking like Facebook and Twitter? (Follow CJS!) Gangs. That’s right, apparently gang members are flocking to these sites “where they can make threats, boast about crimes and share intelligence.” Hey, good thinking! Let’s plan our gang activity where the entire world can see it giving the 5-0 an EZ Bake Oven way to collect evidence against us. That’s some solid planning. Although, we’d love to see a gangbanger tweet:
“Check out my latest tag on this highway overpass. So scary. ZOMG!” sent from Foursquare
That would make our week. Possibly our year.
Speaking of unfathomably stupid ideas, we give you Exhibit #393 against the City of Boulder: The city council recently resolved to fine homeless people $100 for “illegal camping.”
They are attempting to levy a fine on the homeless.
Seeking to extract money. From homeless people.
How stupid do you have to be to want to obtain money from a group of people who have nothing but a couple of sacks full of clothes and god knows what else? What would a police officer say to homeless person found sleeping illegally in a public area? “Alright, I’m gonna have to write you a ticket for illegal camping.” And what would a homeless person say in response? “Alright, I’ll go ahead and throw that piece of paper away for you since, y’know, I HAVE NOTHING SINCE I’M A FREAKING BUM!”
And just to prove that everyone in Boulder is completely nuts, homeless people rallied themselves to protest this decision in front of the city council. WHAT DO YOU CARE?! You’re already living on the edge of society, what difference does an unpaid ticket make to you? What will the city do to you? Give you a roof and some free hot meals for awhile? How is that a bad thing? And furthermore, if you and your homeless friends can show this level of civic engagement and awareness of public policy, why not put those skills to better use than braving the elements night after night and contributing something to society? How is any of this situation real?
This is why I cannot handle more than 3 hours per year in Boulder. It’s just too goofy.
Switching gears entirely because I’m likely to have an aneurysm if I think about this anymore, did anyone happen to catch William Shatner doing dramatic readings of WWE Superstar Entrance Themes this past Monday? We know Flickerbock did because he sent this to us, and since we’re fresh on the heels of our WWE week, we thought you’d enjoy it too. Any situation + Shatner = Comedy gold.
And as long as we’re talking unintentional (?) comedy, let’s talk local advertising. In terms of local advertising personalities, the hierarchy of awesomely bad commercial characters probably looks something like this:
5) Those three clowns from Rocky’s Autos
4) That rapidly growing kid who shills Mattress King
3) Tie – The overenthusiastic bad actor chick from Vitamin Cottage & The overenthusiastic bad actor chick from Budget Car Sales
2) Dealin’ Doug
1) Jake Jabs
Jake Jabs has made a career out of acting a fool in his commercials with an added level of danger because you always sort of secretly hoped that one day one of those tigers from his furniture commercials would turn on him and give us some hideously entertaining gore. Never happened, but on a similarly grotesque level, you can just watch Jake Jabs murder old country classics like “Good Hearted Woman” and recoil in horror. It’s rare that you get a glimpse into someone earnestly failing at something they love to do which they never thought anyone would see, so enjoy this peek into Jake Jabs’ charmingly misguided musical aspirations.
I have had enough stupid porn to last me a lifetime – I no longer enjoy scoffing at poor souls making asses of themselves on television – but apparently I’m pretty much alone here. “Jersey Shore” was renewed for another season and they’re headed somewhere other than that eponymous locale. Kinda defies the purpose there, don’t it? Whatever. I’m sure Snooki, The Situation, and “that kid with the f-ing UFO on his head” (as Rob Rector called him) will all entertain everyone for another season wherever they go. So best of luck. Let me know how it turns out.
Wait, don’t do that. Do the opposite of that. I don’t care what happens to any of these people.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, we enjoyed watching our President show some backbone during the State of the Union address last week. We know we’re late as hell in commenting about this, but seeing the guy finally stand up to all the sniveling parasites in Congress was outstanding on more levels than we can count. We often disagree with the president, but a quality we always admire, and one we like to point out whenever we can, is accountability. Accountability and balls. Obama’s finally realizing that it’s time to step up and be the president. Make some decisions, show some initiative, and then live and die with the results. Letting the bickering weasels in Congress guide the conversation to inconsequence sucks and yields us nothing as a society. Giving us some pointed directives at least gives us a starting point from which to debate. If you don’t like it, vote against him in two and a half years. But let’s see what he’s about. We’re past time for this.
Three important developments in the world of media this week:
1) Miramax Films officially died this week. Remember in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back when Holden claims that Miramax went downhill after making She’s All That? We like to think that’s true considering just how dumb that movie looked (we never actually saw it). But we’ll always remember Miramax for the gifts that were Swingers, Reservoir Dogs, and Clerks. Thanks Miramax. You opened the door for a buttload of cool independent movies.
2) Cable giant Comcast is changing its name to Xfinity. We have nothing to add that wasn’t already said by friend of the CJS, Josh Clauss on his Twitter account: Guess it’s better than renaming your company SuckCorp.
3) Growing independent website, and local humor conglomerate the Cru Jones Society is pleased to announce that now you can decorate your baby with our stylish logo. Watch your child make his or her first Sandra Oh Face when you put this stylish t-shirt on them and remind them to always bring proper footwear to Las Vegas and that despite making a metric crapton of money, Speed was in fact overrated. Get thee to Zazzle and snatch up these stylish threads before your baby is left out of the backflipping fun!
Next week we’re dedicating to one of the most reviled holidays on the calendar: Valentine’s Day. Hart and I will be here as usual, but we’ve got a special guest lined up that will totally blow your socks (or your rocks~!) off. She’ll serve us all a desperately needed female point of view, and we can’t wait to show you what she’s cooked up. But that’ll have to wait until Wednesday. First, we have a Confessional to get to.
We want to know: What was the most unexpectedly awesome thing that ever happened to you on a date? We’ve shared our dating horror stories, and since cynicism usually rules this time of year, we thought we’d turn this question on its head. You can share with us anything cool that ever happened on a date – unexpected sex in the bathroom, a comedically timed fart that you both laughed at, gambling on the mini golf course – whatever. Just share with us one of your GOOD dating stories. Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s start the week out right. We want to hear from all of you. Yes, even you in the back.
For those of you who don’t think your shower is festive enough, we recommend just bringing a beer in there with you from time to time or doing the weekend-mid-morning nasty dance with your lady. But for those of you who want a more G-rated solution to the drabness of your daily wash ritual, we present these weirdo showerheads that change colors.Why anyone outside of a director shooting a rave-themed lesbian adult movie would need these escapes us, but then, we dedicated an entire week to professional wrestling, so what do we know about what the public wants?
In these challenged economic times, it’s important to cut costs wherever possible. Maybe you get the generic salsa for Super Bowl Sunday instead of that awesome gourmet stuff you couldn’t stop eating after winning it in that good-natured gift exchange you had at work. Maybe you buy generic lube for that key party you plan on having instead of a Super Bowl party because your dad couldn’t properly show you affection. Or maybe you just avoid these nine insanely marked up items at all costs. We knew movie theater popcorn and hotel mini-bars were outrageous, but seriously, they got nothing on the 6,500% markup on text messages. Thanks, T-Mobile! We really DO get more!
And finally, to prepare for the big game, we whet your appetite with an epic staredown:
Happy Friday, all! Enjoy the game, and we’ll see you back here Monday for the kickoff of Valentine’s Week at the CJS.
05 Feb 2010 E Dagger