Well Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us and as a single guy I’m supposed to be some sad sack right? Well screw that noise, Jack! Valentine’s Day is not just for couples. The world doesn’t stop spinning and the lives of single people don’t freeze for this one day, and we like to do things to. So instead of yelling at the Valentine’s specials on TV, or feeling sorry for myself, or loving myself until it hurts I have come up with some great alternatives so everyone can enjoy this ridiculous holiday.

I know the title says this is a single guys guide, but that’s only because that is more my area of expertise. You single ladies are welcome to participate in any of these activities, but I haven’t included anything like calling up your other single girlfriends, stripping down to your bra and panties and having a pillow fight, or shoe shopping but feel free to offer suggestions in the comments section.

 

Go To the Movies

Every week we are given several new movies to choose from, and only so many of those are rom-coms and chick flicks and this means there are a bunch of other movies waiting for an audience. So while other dudes are getting dragged to Valentine’s Day, Dear John, or Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief you can watch John Travolta blow shit up, Benicio Del Toro as a scary ass wolf, or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in Santa With Muscles 2. Nothing is the antithesis of Valentine’s Day than watching action stars not deal with feelings of love or relationships. It could only be better if there’s an awful horror movie playing, like Saw or anything from Eli Roth, but you have to work with you’re given. This event can be enhanced if you bring a friend like Johnnie Walker, Captain Morgan, or beer.

 

Get Drunk

Why should Valentine’s Day be different from any other day of the year? It shouldn’t be. So why not spend it like you would any other night, with shots of Jager and a case of beer. There are several ways to go about this. You could call up you other single buddies and play drinking games like Beirut or drink the beer. Drink every time there is something Valentiney on TV, this one works with people or by yourself. I don’t fully recommend drinking alone, but sometimes you have to do it, and besides there’s less people judging your consumption amounts that way.

Before you decide to go this route on Valentine’s Day it is important to make sure you emotions are in check. Nothing worse than being drunk and crying like a girl who just saw the Easter Bunny give rabies to her favorite pony. And you definitely don’t want to be all drunk and sad and make that mistake phone call to an ex, or that girl you’re crushing on who is probably out with her boyfriend. In fact, this is good advice for whatever you decide to do, make sure you’re in the right frame of mind.

 

Go To a Bar

This goes along with the get drunk thing, but you can do it in public. This is your chance to go to that one bar you inexplicably love and everyone else hates. You don’t have to try and coordinate and please anyone but yourself. Also it is probably safe to assume this is a place that will be couples free. I can’t recall anyone I know ever telling me about their V-day plans and using the phrase, “Then I took my lady to a bar.”

I sort of want to do this just to reenact Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall ordering a bunch of foo-foo drinks and pretending he’s on “Sex in the City.” I could see myself doing this and laughing a little too hard while annoying those around me. There is nothing about that plan I do not like. I say that now, but once I get my tab and realize those types of drink are way more expensive than beers, I’m sure I’d be pissed. And I don’t even want to think about the awful sugar and booze hangover that would accompany such drinks.

 

Embrace Your Inner Geek

Comic books, video games, Star Wars these are all things most girls don’t like and are generally turned off by. But since you don’t have a girl around anyway, use the day to catch up with Spidey, play video games until your eyes and thumbs bleed, and watch the original trilogy back to back to back. Only the original trilogy, there’s no reason to spoil the day with Darth Vader as a kid.

You can top all this off by getting on the internet and chatting about your geeky obsession with other lonely nerds who spent the day doing the same thing. Or even better start writing your own fan fiction, or in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, slash fiction.

Ok, as much as I love comics, even I found this last idea incredibly sad. I really hope for the sake of humanity nobody stoops to this level.

 

A Sheldon Cooper Valentine

Sheldon Cooper informed us about the real St. Valentine, a 3rd century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded. Sheldon then offered what he thought was a more fitting way to commemorate the day, by taking your date to witness a brutal murder.

This would be an accurate way to spend the day, and right up the alley for history buffs. However, it could be hard to plan it. Not a lot of brutal murders are publicized, and in this day and age most who do murders prefer to remain anonymous. I suppose you could head down to Texas and hope they are doing a death row execution. I think it’s a good chance they will be.

I feel it is necessary to address something here. If the idea of witnessing a brutal murder is how you want to spend Valentine’s Day, or any day for that matter, please do two things. For starters stay the hell away from me, and also please seek some professional help. Seriously, witnessing a murder? It took me a whole season of “Dexter” before I got used to watching it on the small screen. I couldn’t even imagine a real one.

 

Cupid’s Realm

This idea is inspired by “Jackass.” What you’ll need are some costume angel wings, and giant diaper, a bow and arrow (I would advise using an obvious toy one to avoid further legal problems) a satchel of glitter, and be sure to leave your shame at home.

Step one is to shed your clothing (again for legal reasons these first two steps should be done within your home). Step two is to don the wings and diaper. Step three: arm your self with the bow, arrow, and satchel of glitter and head to highly populated area. A restaurant may be hard as I suspect the maître de will be quick to dismiss you. But once in this populated area use you new found cupid skills to help spread Valentine cheer. Spreading Christmas cheer is done by singing loud for all to hear, Valentine cheer is spread by sprinkling glitter on all you see. Sorry I don’t have a rhyme, not really my forte.

People will either find this charming or completely infuriating, either way it means you’re doing something right. And again all that matters is that you are having fun. After all, this list is all about making this a day for you.

If you find yourself alone on February 14th there is no reason to be sad. There are many fun ways to spend the day without a chick. These are but a few suggestions, if you have others, perhaps a favorite way to spend Valentine’s Day while single, drop in the comments. The important thing is to remember the words of Barney Stinson, “When you’re sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.” Enjoy the V-day and don’t be sad.

See ya at the single’s bar…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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