Cru Jones Society

The past few days of the Olympics have left me disinterested. I’m not sure if it’s because I blew my load on the U.S.A. versus Canada hockey game or if it has been the airing of events like ice dancing and ski jumping. Either way the past couple of days have bored me and I started thinking about some other events I would like to see in the Winter Olympics. I doubt these would make it, but it would be fun.

Ice Barrel Jumping

As I recall from a ton of classic cartoons whenever there was a scene of snowy, wintery fun there would be people ice skating and one of the things going on during the ice skating was someone building up speed and then leaping over several barrels. I most vividly remember Donald Duck doing this, but it seemed to be synonyms with ice skating fun in olden times.

As an Olympic event this would be an easy one. The competitors would all go in a row, first jumping one barrel. After everyone has gone another barrel is added. Eventually there will be one too many barrels for someone and they will be knocked of the competition. Barrels will be added until there is only one jumper left. I suppose you could say this would be similar to the long jump in the summer games.

The risk factor on this sport would be high. When someone hits the barrel that was one too many they will wipe out hard. That’s not really in the spirit of the games, but it would get people interested.

Sled Racing

This could go a couple of different ways. It could consist entirely of saucer sleds, or toboggans, or a combination of the sleds. Or it could be those larger type sleds that are made to look like animals and shit. Kind of like a soap box derby of sleds. This may lower the integrity of the games, but we’re talking the winter games not the summer, so who cares?

You may be saying, “Hart, there is already sledding in the Olympics. Bobsled, and luge and skeleton are not much different than sledding.” This is true. But in my vision theses sled races wouldn’t take place on the sliding track. It would be on something more similar to alpine skiing; a giant ass hill. And the sledders wouldn’t go one at a time. It would be more of a sled cross. And another event takes place on a moguls style course. Just imagine hitting those bumps in a saucer sled. That would be awesome.

Colorado-ing

This is an event I saw them do on “Nitro Circus.” What you do is climb a snow covered pine tree to the top. Then rock back and forth on it until it snaps and you and the tree tip fall to the waiting snow below. It is a lot of fun to watch people fall from trees knowing the danger factor is low, but I have no idea how this event would be scored.

I am also sure something like this would cause all those tree hugging environmentalist to get their hemp panties in a twist. But they’re all a bunch of penniless hippies so their opinions don’t matter. It would be a challenge to get enough trees in fairly open area. But it can be done.

Competitive Snowman Building

Perhaps the more P.C. term is snowperson. Athletes, I use that term loosely, are timed as they build a snowman. They are then judge on size of the snowman, complexity, geometric accuracy, and creativity.

As far as viewing enjoyment is concerned, this could either way. Watching a snowman being built might is not that interesting, it’s more about the end result. But it could be like watching a Bob Ross painting come together. Never quite sure where he’s going with it, but then one happy little tree at a time and amazement abounds.

Polar Bearing

I think we are all familiar with polar bear clubs; a bunch of grown men who strip down to their skivvies and jump into freezing water. No real skills involved in this and again one of those events that would be hard to judge. But I’d enjoy watching people do this.

You could judge them on their entrance into the water, similar to diving but I wouldn’t give them diving boards. Additionally they can be given points based on how submerged they are and how long they stay in the water. I fear this could cause problems as people would seek records and develop hypothermia. I’m not sure the IOC is ready to deal with another athlete death.

These are just a few things that I would enjoy watching more than ice dancing, ski jumping, or biathlon. I have enjoyed watching curling, but with the Americans biting the big one, that has started to fade on me so I need more alternatives. Or perhaps I could just attempt to develop a better attention span.

See ya at the ice barrel arena…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com