Welcome to the first ever edition of CJS Fact or Fiction. We ripped off this format from 411mania.com’s various sections, who, in turn, had ripped off an old Sportscenter segment that no longer airs. It’s the internet. Plagiarism~! Woo hoo!

To celebrate the inaugural CJS Fact or Fiction (as well as excuse to get cockeyed drunk – St. Patrick’s Day), your heralded CJS founders E Dagger and Lee S. Hart tackle six statements regarding alcohol consumption. Can a man drink a mojito with confidence? Who’s more annoying: beer snobs or wine snobs? Do margaritas actually suck? These questions and more await in our brand new CJS feature.

Pour the drinks, and let’s get started!

1. In terms of its perceived coolness (and ignoring its subpar taste), you wish you were the kind of guy who could order a dry martini with an olive.

Lee S. Hart: FICTION. Coolness be damned. A dry martini seems like a lot of over all work. I can’t go in and order one in jeans and a t-shirt, or even the work casual dress of my work, because then the cool factor is lost and I’d look like a douche trying to be ironic. Being the guy that can order a dry martini with an olive requires a suit or a tuxedo, and I wouldn’t mind that every time I was out, but that too seems like a lot of work, and a loss of comfort. Also martinis always come in those, uh, martini glasses and I am not coordinated enough to use those without spilling something. I definitely do not want to be the schmuck in a suit or tux with martini down the front of it. At that point all coolness acquired from ordering the drink has gone out the window and your back at square one, but now with a suit that requires a trip to the dry cleaners.

E Dagger: FACT. Since the martini glass is without a doubt the coolest glassware in the world, I wish I had cause to carry one around from time to time. But considering I think olives taste like Satan’s dingleberries, I’ll likely never be that guy. I wouldn’t even need to be an all-the-time martini guy, but I’d love to have that in my life toolbox. Lady E tells me that I really wear a suit when I have one on. A martini would be the perfect compliment to those occasions, and I wish I could bust that out once or twice a year. Alas, they taste like gasoline blasted with the bracing flavor of olive farts, so I remain martini-less.

2. Margaritas are the most overrated drink. 

Lee S. Hart: FICTION. A certain inexplicably popular untalented ass clown musician has increased the popularity of this drink. And now every restaurant thinks they can make a tasty one, but they can’t, they’re just trying to capitalize on the popularity. That’s just basic economics. And at these places the margaritas are overrated. But when one can find those authentic family owned Mexican restaurants, where even the complimentary salsa is home made, then you can find out why margaritas are so great. But my answer only applies to frozen margs. Those are like Slurpees with booze. I don’t know why anyone would get a non-frozen margarita. And a statement about a drink being overrated makes one sound like a booze snob.

E Dagger: FACT. A margarita is essentially a cocktailed-up version of a tequila shot with training wheels. I’ve not had a bad experience with tequila like so many that despise tequila, I just think it tastes terrible. It’s oddly sour, and it stays on your breath like roofing tar. Dressing it up with lots of ice, a bunch of sour mix, BIG GRAINS OF SALT, and some lime does nothing to hide the menace that is tequila’s horrible flavor. The drink is loaded with sugar so it’s not refreshing, is most closely associated with noted ballsack Jimmy Buffett (as noted above), and it’s got about 8 zillion calories in it. Nothing about this drink is good and its continued popularity never ceases to amaze me.

3. Beer snobs are more irritating than wine snobs.

Lee S. Hart: FACT. With wine the wine snobs are almost expected. Wine is thought of more as a special occasions drink and there is an idea that to have wine you need to have a little money and this is the kind of thing that breeds elitism. It is easy to ignore and disregard the wine snobs, especially if it’s a rare event that you consume wine. Beer is a more common drink and thought of as the everyman beverage, an area where elitism has no place. Beer snobs remind me a lot of music snobs; these things are here for everyone and readily available, but some people think they are above it all and will shit all over the stuff that doesn’t appeal to them, and not because it is of lesser quality, but merely because it doesn’t fit their taste. Who cares what other people are drinking? It’s their taste buds out there on the line. Or is it a perceived coolness factor? In which case you’re super cool for needing a beer label to define you.

E Dagger: FACT. Since we covered in Happy Friday #74 that wine snobs are largely talking out of their ass, we’ll cut them a break and let them have their own little self-important pants party by themselves. Beer snobs are way worse because you never see them coming. You’ll be in a bar with some people you just recently met and dare to order a Coors Light when some unshaven choad wearing a beanie in the middle of the summer scoffs and feels the need to give you a dissertation about why the Double IPA he’s drinking is far superior because of its citrus notes and nuanced bouquet and blah blah blah blah. Eat shit, pal. It’s beer. Enjoy it. I’m happy you’ve selected a tiny little sliver of knowledge out of all of life’s experience to focus on and annoy the world with, but most of us appreciate beer on an even deeper level. We like to drink lots of it and appreciate the full spectrum of flavors available. I’m all for expanding the palate, but give the snobbery a break. You’re only making yourself more unlikable – an amazing feat considering we’re talking about drinking.

***SWITCH***

4. A dude can fully enjoy a mojito without having to question his sexuality and/or gender.

E Dagger: FACT. Mojitos have had the unfortunate coincidence of coming into vogue at the same time as metrosexuality thereby lumping the two unrelated items together. The truth is, there’s nothing inherently feminine about a mojito. It’s rum, club soda, sugar, lime, and mint. Minus the sugar and switching out gin for rum,  you’ve basically got yourself the same basic components of a gin rickey right there, partner. And we would never disparage a cousin to the Official CJS Drink of Summer. One quasi-related note: Never let anyone try to convince you that a “real mojito” is made with spiced rum. These people are morons, and you normally refreshing-looking mojito begins to resemble water dredged from a polluted lake and tastes like pure confusion. Trust me.

Lee S. Hart: FACT. With the stipulation that this isn’t the go-to drink for a guy. Like the gin rickey, it is good every now and then. Tasty and refreshing but in no way should it be enjoyed at the same frequency J.D enjoys appletinis on “Scrubs.” And never should the mojito be altered from its original recipe, especially if that means adding berries to make it a berry-berry mojito. At which point sexuality and gender will both be under scrutiny by your fellow dudes. But this can be redeemed if you crush the mint into the ice cube with your thumb to release the full flavor of the mint into the drink.

5. Under no circumstances does fruit belong in your beer.

E Dagger: FACT. I’m tempted to say fiction even though I want no fruit in my beer, ever. I don’t care what type it is or what your reasoning is, keep your goddamn fruit away from my beer. The reason I want to say fiction is that fruit in beer is generally for people that don’t like beer. The delicious citrus goodness of an orange helps many overcome beer’s inherent bitterness and disarming sour flavors and puts them on the road to enjoying God’s nectar more fully. To that end, I say bravo. However, taken this question as it’s worded “…in your beer.” and I’ll say, fact. Fruit has no place in my beer.

Lee S. Hart: FACT. Fruit has no business in beer. If you don’t like beer and need it “enhanced” by fruit, then don’t order beer. Order juice, or order any drink from “Sex and the City.” There are so many other drinks where fruit is involved. Leave the beer alone. If the beer is better that way why wouldn’t it be brewed with the fruit flavor? I have nothing against fruit, I like the stuff, but it has no business with beer. While we’re at it, under no circumstance should tomato juice find its way to my beer.

6. Cognac is worthy of the hype bestowed upon it by the rap community.

E Dagger: FICTION Jesus H. God, have you ever had cognac? First of all, it’s made from white wine waste, which means, just like lobster, it’s essentially peasant food that’s been distilled for mass drunkenness among the poor. The taste is hard to capture in text and can only be adequately observed watching some hapless schmuck roll it around in his mouth trying to figure out just what in the hell he’s drinking. It’s too sweet, but not sugary. It’s spicy, but a little nutty. It’s floral, but doesn’t smell good. It tastes like one of those showhomes in the mountains smells. In short, it’s totally perplexing and generally disagreeable, which is the perfect metaphor for how I feel about rap music nowadays.

Lee S. Hart: FACT. Rap music used to be all about malt liquor, this is a step up for the genre. I have had but a sip of cognac once, and while I didn’t care for it and didn’t see what the hype was about, I understand its merit. But I also don’t emulate the lifestyle I hear about in rap music, so maybe it’s different when you’re in the VIP lounge of some stupid club, sittin’ in the back, sippin’ on ‘gnac, then dippin’ through hoods. In that scenario it does sound pretty sweet, maybe, I’m not totally sure what I said at the end there. And you get to drink it out of that large pimp glass. Sounds pretty sweet to me.

In our first edition, Hart and Dagger agree just as much as they disagree. That seems about right. They’ve drank together enough to know that while they’ll both share a tasty Jagermeister, they’ll never have the same feelings about Jameson.

If you’d like to go head-to-head with a CJS author, simply shoot us an email (staff@crujonessociety.com) with an idea for a topic, and you might find yourself arguing with one of us on the mainpage of your favorite Local Humor Conglomerate.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone! Slainte!

Hart & Dagger