Happy Friday to you all. With St. Patrick’s Day Wednesday, a friend’s bachelor party Thursday, and Dagger too hopped up on cold medicine during an extremely busy and weird week around CJS offices, we find ourselves with a plethora of different hangovers this Friday. Not to fear, your favorite way to nurse yourself back to health is still here to get you through the day. Helping us out this week: Lots of Rockies players, Manny Pacquiao, The Muppets, a brand new Keyboard Cat, and Bernie Madoff getting his ass kicked. Open your bleary eyes, take some hair of the dog, and let’s get to clicking.
Our first order of business is an important one. Next week we celebrate the 2 year anniversary of the Cru Jones Society. It’s hard to believe we’ve been writing this nonsense for two solid years, but time’s a motherfucker, eh? To help us celebrate, we want to hear from you in our Confessional: What is your favorite CJS article of all-time? Feel free to include more than one. Send your choicest CJS cuts to firstname.lastname@example.org
Normally we don’t stress over Confessional participation, but it would mean a great deal to us if you’d drop us a quick line for our anniversary. Anniversaries are as good a time as any to look back, but on a practical level, if you tell us what you’ve enjoyed most, chances are excellent you’ll see more of that in the future as we continue to try and improve the Cru Jones Society with every piece we write. So, even if you can’t remember the title or don’t have a specific favorite, tell us generally what you like about CJS. To get those brain juices flowing, here is a diverse selection of stuff from CJS to consider:
We’ve gone to Vegas, Tucson, New York, Water World and a ton of other places in our Field Trip section.
Senor Limon has broken down the 9 clichés of a submarine movie.
Anecdotally, Twodogszk tells us he always looks forward to Happy Friday (probably because he has no internet filter at work).
Dagger shares how to have a kickass prom.
Hart mocks the biggest cartoon villain failures of all time.
Senor Limon writes a surreal letter to the consumer on behalf of Garmin watches.
We’d like to get as many of you as possible, so please take a minute and drop us a note. It would mean a whole lot to us. A million times thanks for this in advance, and we’ll look forward to looking back on Monday.
In this week’s required reading, CJS favorite Rick Reilly turns in a beauty of a column detailing what George Karl’s going through in trying to beat cancer while continuing to coach the enigmatic Nuggets. This is Reilly’s best column in a while, and while we don’t want to turn into some Jeff MacGregor dickhole and pontificate about how this puts the triviality of sports in perspective, well, it certainly gives you pause every time you want to yell at Karl for not diagramming a proper inbounds play. Best of luck to George, and a tip of the hat to Reilly. Great read.
Speaking of managers, Jim Armstrong wrote a gem for the Denver Post last weekend about the main reason for the Rox’ recent success: Trust in Dan O’Dowd. Hard to believe that Dealin’ Dan has been here for more than 10 years, and even harder to believe that the same guy who signed Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle for approximately $8 zillion each is the guy who has built the Rockies into perennial contenders. O’Dowd is now the 4th longest tenured GM in the league, and if he’s cracked the code on building a successful mid-market baseball team, I say keep him forever. Should be a good year for the Rox. We can’t wait to get to the park and see for ourselves!
Another great Rockies story showed up on the front page of Yahoo this week as Jeff Passan details the development of Ubaldo Jimenez through the Rockies system. Despite the rampant poverty of his native Dominican Republic, and despite having a cannon for an arm at a mere 16 years-old, Ubaldo’s parents insisted he finish school. Ubaldo’s is a truly unique story, as you don’t encounter many guys with a 96 mph fastball that had designs on medical school. Good week in Rockies coverage.
And finally, thanks to one of our newest followers on Twitter, @mjflick25 we happened upon the website where the newest batch of those charming Rockies commercials are housed. Overall, not quite as good as years past, but the one with Helton and Carlos Gonzalez with Spilly in the background is as good as anything they’ve ever done. Love these commercials. Also, follow us on Twitter.
In what we swear is the last baseball related link (this week, anyway), Chris Mottram begs Major League Baseball to stop trading players because they’re confusing Topps Baseball Cards. Poor Topps. Maybe they should put better gum in the packs to make up for these hilarious errors. Or cards with random female nudity. That always cheers everyone up. Let’s see… Cliff Lee, Craig Counsell, Paul Konerko, Katie Holmes from The Gift?! Whoa! Tell me you wouldn’t start buying baseball cards again.
And, we suppose, just to ensure we’ve scared off the entire female reading contingent by now, here’s a story about Manny Pacquiao’s relentless training routine. We hope Pacquiao does get to fight Mayweather, and we hope he pounds the ever living dick out of him. We don’t hate Floyd Mayweather, but we’d like to see him get jacked in the jaw a couple hundred times for unleashing his insufferable father upon the public.
Hey, speaking of ass kickings… Is there anyone who wouldn’t like to take a shot at Bernie Madoff just on general principles? Didn’t think so. So, we’re proud to share this story of ol’ Bernie getting beat up in prison last December. We have nothing to add, but if a story like this could run once a week, the world would be a better place.
Moving on to military news (Yep, that’ll bring back the ladies who’ve already checked out of this edition of Happy Friday), thanks to the unique conditions in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Army has changed its basic training regimen for the first time in three decades. This makes perfect sense, and we’re glad our Army recognizes its need to evolve. We were highly amused by the mention of needing to whip into shape the guys who are “used to sitting on the couch playing video games.” Hey, I rule at Call of Duty, I should do this for a living! Good plan.
In keeping with our theme of evolution, we were pleased to see General David Petraeus endorse amending or repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Gayness, or lack of gayness, has so little to do with anyone’s performance in anything (except for actually DOING IT, of course) that it’s amazing to think such a blatantly discriminatory policy exists in this day and age. Here’s hoping this will be among the steps needed to get rid of it. *Climbs off soap box*
Shifting gears entirely, and apropos of nothing, remember Snoop Dogg’s show “Doggy Fizzle Televizzle?” You probably don’t. No matter, it was surprisingly funny during its brief moment in the sun. Here’s a fun clip of The Transplants playing our favorite “Tall Cans in the Air” on the show where Snoop drops in and freestyles a verse. Man, remember when Snoop was cool and not doing stupid bullshit like this?
Also remember when Jay Leno didn’t make your skin crawl? For some of you, that answer may be “never” but there are those of us who liked to drift off to sleep listening to the dulcet sounds of his easy, surface level jokes night after night. He was like the Bob Ross of comedy. Bob Ross could paint a decent but pedestrian painting in a half hour, Jay Leno could crack an easy joke about 25 different subjects in the span of a single monologue. Something calming about that.
No more. We refuse to watch Jay Leno since he’s revealed himself as a territorial creep bent on doing the same lazy shtick for another decade and a half. And we’re not alone. Here’s two accounts of those who refuse to go back.
On the other end of the spectrum, two things we can’t seem to get enough of are joining forces to bring the awesome. Jason Segel will write and star in a brand new Muppets movie. Jason Segel rules it, and since that weird puppet element of Forgetting Sarah Marshall wasn’t just made up in the story – Segel actually loves puppets – we trust that he’ll do the Muppets right. Hart’s sitting at home creating a big countdown clock for this movie as I write this. I’m sure we’ll have more on this later.
For those of you that own your own home, here’s an article that proves just how fucking old I’m getting. To improve the life of your appliances such as your dishwasher or washing machine, you probably need to use less soap. Efficiency has improved tremendously in terms of both machine function and soap potency over the last several years, so you’re probably using too much. Go easy on the soap, sparky. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my Metamucil. Leave Grandpa alone while he sits in this easy chair and reads three months’ worth of newspapers in one sitting.
Since this edition is called the “Hangover Edition” here are two links pertaining to our subject.
1) Sent to us by CJS Regular Deuce, we proudly share with you the 2010 Hockey Beer Cost Matrix that breaks down what you’ll pay for a beer at each arena for all 30 teams in the NHL. By the looks of things, Colorado provides you the best damn value for your money in all the league. We love this town.
2) CNN continues to cover all the important issues of the day with this handy guide to curing a hangover. If you’re looking for a real cure, you need to look no further than our very first Confessional here at the CJS. Ah, those were simpler times, weren’t they?
We’ll close up this week with Keyboard Cat: Reincarnated! Play us off to the Demotivator, Keyboard Cat!
Happy Friday, kitty bitches!
19 Mar 2010 E Dagger