Thanks to everyone for allowing as an extremely self-indulgent week here at the Cru Jones Society. Hart and I spend a lot of time in the trenches planning, writing, and figuring out how to promote this damn thing, we hardly ever reminisce about how much fun it actually is. I cleaned out my work inbox yesterday (more on that later), and found a bunch of emails Limon, Hart & I sent to each other as we planned the launch of CJS. So young and naïve then.

Enough of that, let’s get on with the links. In this edition: Sports, movies, condoms, and the science of farts. Enjoy your Friday, friends.

***

We promise to shut up about this eventually, but have you heard that there will be no more baseball in Tucson? While we’ll continue to mourn this (and probably annoy the 99% of you who don’t give a shit one way or the other where the Rox have Spring Training), we’ll do our best to get excited about the move to the new park outside Scottsdale. Woody Paige is helping. According to his latest piece, this new state-of-the-art park will be the centerpiece of a burgeoning recreation area complete with new stores, restaurants, attractions, and a bigass Indian casino. We predict we’ll hate driving to buttfucking Phoenix, but will likely love this new stadium. So, uh, yay!

That’s only one of our predictions. The others are up to, and we’ll share them on Monday. We want to know: What are your baseball predictions for 2010? Make any prediction you want about any team, any player, any stadium, how much beer you’ll drink, whatever. Make one prediction. Make 10. Hell, make 50! (Please don’t make 50 predictions) Send ‘em to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll gear up for the season proper.

***

This week’s Required Reading comes courtesy of SB Nation, and it’s about car racing. I know, what? Spencer Hall writes a positively captivating article about what it’s like to race 6 laps at Talladega. I was on the edge of my seat for most of this one, and I’m filled with equal parts unflinching desire to do this myself and pants-shitting fear at actually driving 170 mph on a giant oval in a metal coffin. Absolutely terrific read here.

***

Wanting to drive a racecar might make you an asshole, as does silently noting to yourself that this sentence contains a palindrome. That’s good news though, because according to master scientists Cracked.com, there are 6 Reasons Assholes Are Healthier. So, if you’re afraid to curse in front of children, your boss, or anyone else because you stubbed your goddamned toe, don’t be. Shouting out “Cock ass!” will help you live longer. Apparently so will gossiping about Rhonda’s hideous new hairstyle at the office and getting into a screaming match with the dickworm at the McDonald’s drive-thru. So prick it up, ya’ pricks.

***

Here’s a guy who’s kind of an asshole, but a funny one: White Collar Redneck. CJS Regular Jitterrawks sent this one in, and we’re enjoying this gentleman’s take on things. We’re not sure his denotation of the word “redneck” in entirely apropos, but whatever. He lives in Cincinnati which is close enough to Kentucky, which is therefore close enough to moonshine and hill people to make the association work. Thanks, Jitterrawks! If you ever spot something you’d like to send us, send it to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll include in our next edition.

***

Boom Boom Pow.

***

In news that’s awesome, but not persuasive enough to get us to watch this stupid thing, Aziz Ansari is allegedly in negotiations to host the MTV Movie Awards. Aziz’s work as Tom on “Parks and Recreation” is one of the show’s highlights for us, and while his standup is generally terrific, we’re still not watching a show that forces viewers to choose between the likes of Transformers and Twilight as its top prize. We’re not even 30 yet, and we’re already out of MTV’s target demo. And just to prove it, here’s this statement (to be read with pretentious sarcasm): Hey, remember when MTV actually used to show music videos? Plehhhhh.

***

Speaking of movies, here’s how 23 classic movies would have looked with the worst casting possible. This made us laugh out loud (or LOL, as the insipid teenagers keep saying phonetically and aloud like they don’t know it’s a fucking acronym) at work which is always fun. Our favorite is probably Steven Seagal as Julia Child in Julie & Julia as I hope the guy who does Pride and Prejudice and Zombies takes up Julie & Julia & Steven Seagal as his next project. That would make our millennium.

***

Remember that movie Matinee! where John Goodman tries to get people to see his crappy movie “Mant” by gimmicking the theater to give the movie a more tactile dimension in order to cover up for the movie’s inherent shittiness? I never actually saw this movie either, but that’s what I take the plot to be based on what I remember from trailers from over 15 years ago.

Regardless, gimmicking movie theaters with cheap thrills to enhance otherwise marginal movies is not restrained to weirdo movies from the 90s. It actually happened. We’re happy they didn’t have smell-o-vision while we watched Cocoon. That movie seems like it would have smelled like Florida, Brach’s candy pieces, and plastic furniture. No one needs that more than twice a year.

***

Click Click Boom.

***

As if California weren’t already rapidly becoming the most unlivable and ungovernable state in the entire union, legislators there are somehow managing to piss off the reviled porn industry. The worker safety board is studying whether or not to force all actors in pornographic films to wear condoms in sexual scenes. We’re all for safe sex, but give us a fucking break. Porn already has mandatory tests in place for HIV and other STDs, this will only force the insanely lucrative porn industry to go somewhere else. And culturally we can’t have that because California is the only place porn production even makes a lick of sense. California has the best weather on earth, but you pay for it by having to live under the rule of the collectively most retarded group of chimpanzees ever assembled. I’ll live in hell before I live under the rule of California’s insanity.

***

And since we’re all mature grownups around here, let’s move from talking about porn to discussing the science of farts. Warning: Horribly upsetting descriptions of the awful things your body is capable of in parts of this. The other parts? Hilarious, juvenile fun!

***

So, you know how “The Marriage Ref” is just about the worst show on television? Lady E pointed us to an article that wonders if Jerry Seinfeld has become a cultural punchline himself due to his inability to escape the gigantic shadow cast by the best sitcom of all-time. We certainly hope not because Seinfeld is definitely one of CJS’s top 5 shows of all-time, which is the reason we don’t watch “The Marriage Ref” at all. We hate when something  putrid sours all of our experience with someone we once adored, and we won’t let that happen to the man who made the name “Mulva” into a cultural institution. We can’t! Save us all and stop watching The Marriage Ref, people!

***

And, “Boom goes the dynamite.”

***

The first time we saw Flogging Molly, they opened for The Bouncing Souls and won us over immediately. Someone we knew called them “Irish folk music getting hit with a freight train” and the definition is only a couple shades better than perfect. We’re pleased that their star continues to rise and that their unique brand of crazy Irish punk rock continues to find broader audiences. Hart tells a story of seeing them on New Year’s that I always love to hear that makes me wish I weren’t such a pretentious tool on that holiday and could enjoy amateur night like everyone else. But I’m not, so I can’t.

Anyway, here’s a great interview with their bassist Nathen Maxwell.

***

Are you interested in suspended animation? We’re not mostly because we’d probably get bonitis, get frozen, thaw out, be too busy being a “2010 guy” and forget to cure our bonitis as we die a horrifically uncomfortable looking death. For those of you who don’t base your reality around Futurama episodes, here’s an actual article about developments in suspended animation.

***

UFC 111 is coming up this weekend, and thanks to the incredibly well-done specials on Spike TV, Lady E and I actually believe that Dan Hardy has a chance against the seemingly invincible welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre. He likely doesn’t, but since we’re not GSP fans around here, we’re pulling for Hardy nevertheless.

Earlier this week, however, UFC on Versus 1 originated from Broomfield, CO where in the main event Jonny “Bones” Jones obliterated Brandon “The Truth” Vera with an elbow that cracked so hard against Vera’s skull, it echoed all the way down at the Royal Gorge. Jonny Bones is the next big thing, and we urge everyone to marvel at his next fight as he mesmerizes you with his long reach, crazy throws, and relentless elbows. Since we’re not MMA writers by trade, we’ll never capture how awesome Jonny Bones is in print. We’ll leave that to the best MMA writer on the planet, Kevin Iole.

***

Finally, you may have noticed that our anniversary week seemed to have a slight eulogy/elegiac/wistful tone to it like we’re going away. We’re not.

But it’s been a strange week for yours truly. Today is my last day at my current job. I begin next week at a brand new company in a new industry doing something substantially different than I’ve done before. More money? A bit. Better opportunity? Absolutely. I can’t pass this up, and I’m definitely excited about what stand in front of me. Since you all likely know how pants pissingly anxious I get about change, you’ll also know that I’ve been agonizing over this change for weeks as well.

Why am I telling you this? Because I have no idea what this will mean to the Cru Jones Society. I was plenty busy at the old job, but I still had time to sketch out ideas over lunch and search for Happy Friday links in between projects for clients. I have no idea if that will be the case here. So just in case the worst happens and I’m not able to pay the attention to CJS that I’d ultimately like, I wanted us to have a proper celebratory anniversary. So there you go. Opportunity knocks for Dagger. We’ll see what happens.

***

And since Hart and I love the punk rock so much, our Demotivator reminds you to fuck the man.

Happy Friday, everyone! Thanks for keeping us around for two years! We love you more than you’ll ever know.

edagger@crujonessociety.com