Cru Jones Society

It’s Friday which means it’s time once again to shed those work obligations, put on clothes you actually choose to wear, and leave the kids with that most trusted family friend – the television.

In this edition we’ll cover some news from your (read: my) favorite TV shows, news from the world of brunch, and, oh yes ladies, plenty of baseball. So kiss the kids on the head, grab that credit card, and let’s head to the buffet of Friday time wasting! Continue Reading »

One of the best parts about the Derby aside from the fancy hats, the all day drinking, the mocking of celebrities and the general feeling of awesomeness that comes from watching the sport of kings, is the horse names. We like this aspect so much we devoted a Confessional Question to it (be sure to answer that). But today I decided to scroll the list of winners over the past 27 years and I picked out the four names I liked the best, and the four I liked the least. Continue Reading »

With the Kentucky Derby coming up Saturday, CJS wants to give you the first look at this year’s field. However, since we know nothing about the technical side of horse racing, haven’t followed it all year, and can’t be bothered to conduct actual research, you get the vital stats of each horse followed by a bunch of juvenile jokes about their names and odds we pulled completely out of our ass. All of the information below (except for our bullshit odds) can be found here.

So, enjoy! And please don’t base any potential wagers on any of our given odds. They are totally fabricated and written off the top of my head. One final warning, I’ve included pictures of all these horses, but have no idea if they’re accurate (except for the ones with the names on their blankets of course - smartass). You probably wouldn’t know the difference anyway, but in the interest of full disclosure, I thought I’d mention it. Let’s get started! Continue Reading »

Since it’s Kentucky Derby Week (a.k.a. The Cru Jones Society High Holiday) our aim is to prepare you for the most exciting two minutes in sports. And since we’ll be watching this weekend (although not live – fucking real jobs fucking shit up this year), we thought it only apropos that we prepare you to have your own kickass Kentucky Derby party at your own house/condo/apartment/refrigerator box. Although if you’re partying in a refrigerator box, you likely won’t need an excuse to drink bourbon. Perhaps that’s in bad taste.

Below you’ll find the essential elements to having a Derby Party your friends won’t soon forget. So let’s get to it. Invite all the pimps and ladybitches you know. It’s Derby time, baby! Continue Reading »

Every year there are a handful of sporting events that are the crème de le crème. Events that are more important and more special than the games played on any other given day. So this week we asked: What one sporting event do you want to see before you die? We got a nice collection of events and manage to cover all the bases, except soccer, but who really cares about soccer? Continue Reading »

1…2…3…4 Get your woman on the floor. Gotta gotta get up, get down. Gotta gotta get up, get down.

Word up everybody, so glad you’re here. It’s Coolio, put the flow back in your ear. This ain’t the fantastic four, but I’m still on a mission to see if I can get your attention.

If you remember that song, you probably graduated college at least five years ago. If you got a twinge of nostalgia when you read those lyrics, you probably are a dork.

Whatever the case, it’s Friday so it’s time to get your woman on the floor. Heat up that oven of hers with links about beer, sports, comedy, and disease (hey, disease!). If that don’t work, baby you can take your time do it right, we can drink some Jager do it all damn night! Slide, slide, but that’s the fact, got something brand new for that ass! Continue Reading »

I have two giant cases full of CDs. One of them is filled with punk and ska discs and the other is filled with everything else. The punk case contains roughly double the discs of the “everything else” binder, which is another way of saying, I have fairly narrow tastes. Although I do have my moments of broadness.

I don’t visit the other case as I often as I do the punk one, so let’s follow Hart’s lead and see what are the five best ones from the non-punk world of music. Continue Reading »

This past Saturday I went down to the local record shop and partook in the activities of Record Store Day. For those who don’t know, this is a day devoted to celebrating independent record stores, place like Championship Vinyl from High Fidelity. There are special releases and live music; it’s like the end of Empire Records only not as over the top. Continue Reading »

You know the drill here. You’re at a bar boozing it up with your buddies, and who shows up? A couple of good looking young women carrying a tray of shots filled with some liquor/beer/fru-fru bullshit you’ve either never had or never considered. I normally hate being bothered by strangers in, well, anywhere, but in the case of these ladies, I’ll make an exception. Continue Reading »

Everyone has that one thing they have oddly specific knowledge about. For the most part this information would only come in handy when attending your local trivia night. Well we looked into the “What If Crystal Ball” and found a fun little scenario for you and your specific knowledge. If you were given the opportunity to teach a class, what is the one subject you would be best equipped to teach? We got your responses and put together a class schedule. Now grab your books and get to class. Continue Reading »

It has been another long week, on top of that someone decided to throw a tax day into the mix. We don’t have a cash refund for you, but we’ll do you the next best thing, links to kill some time. How that’s the next best thing we’re not sure, but let’s just go with it. This week we have for you chess boxing, Hank Williams, and some live action (sort of) video games. Now insert your coin, press start and try for the kill screen! Continue Reading »

As I sent off my tax return a couple of months ago, well in advance of today’s deadline, I thought about the IRS, which naturally led me to think about Irwin R. Schyster (IRS) in the WWF in the early 90s. If you don’t know why this was the logical progression of thought, this is obviously your first day at the CJS.

Everyone hates the IRS, and with good cause – they’re the collections agents of the federal government that wastes our money and has been rapidly accruing the largest debt in our country’s history with no sign of stopping anytime soon. So why wasn’t IRS the most hated character in WWF history? This should have been a slam dunk, and yet it wasn’t.  IRS was a midcarder who won the tag team championship once with Ted Dibiase (we’ll get to him in a second). Why? Continue Reading »

The way I initially planned to open this article included the following construction: “With celebrity gossip dominating the headlines lately…” And then I realized how stupid that sentence is considering it could applied to any week after roughly 2003. Our entire news cycle is peppered with the relationship troubles of celebrities we shouldn’t even give a crap about, but do.

So, since you’ll see them saturating the culture anyway, and since it’s been so long since we’ve done a Love Lounge around here, why not marry the two concepts and skewer some retarded relationship advice? That sounds like a Wednesday, now don’t it? Continue Reading »

In 1989, with a stolen concept from Japanese television and America’s new found love for the home camcorder, a show was born. Like many shows it was never expected to last very long, but this show was scrappy and has now lasted 21 years. “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is now legally able to drink and I would like to toast it in my own way with a look back at why I continually turn to this show to entertain me. Continue Reading »

This is the true story of five strangers forced into a tiny Confessional booth to have their answers recorded and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real by answering the question: If you could be a contestant on any reality show, what would it be?

The results follow, and I promise that none of us will spin off to participate in any inane challenge shows or host MTV’s “The Grind.” Although, no matter whether you’re gay or straight, we’re willing to bet you can’t get enough of that Eric Nies. Let’s find out if he’s in here further. Here’s this week’s Confessional. Continue Reading »

Flogging Molly once sang, “Today is the worst day since yesterday.” Well that day is not today. It’s Friday, it’s Opening Day at Coors Field, and there is a sweet ass UFC fight tomorrow. Today looks to be a very good day. And we hope to add to the goodness with a fresh collection of links including jokes from pretty ladies, AWK, and some Star Wars talk. We know that last one got everybody excited. Now set your phasers for fun, and let’s get to it. What? Phasers are Star Trek, not Star Wars? Whatever, nerd. Let’s just get to the links. Continue Reading »

During CJS’s impromptu 80s Week, we’ve covered two of the three biggest markers of 80s culture: fashion and movies. The fashion was pretty appalling, all things considered, but the movies consistently rank among our all-time favorites. But what of that all-important third marker? Yes, we have yet to touch on the ubiquitous song stylings of this decade.

Until now, that is. However, rather than devote thousands upon thousands of words to the already well-worn subject (you probably have VH-1 in your home – just watch that some Saturday if you want to re-live the 80s for several hours), we’ll narrow this down substantially.

Using an all-important and highly esteemed committee of one, I’ve chosen what I believe are the 3 Best Songs of the 1980s, and 3 Songs that Deserve a Fiery, Miserable Death in a Plane Crash to Hell. Why take a measured, nuanced view of an entire decade when you can boil it down into 6 probably unrepresentative elements instead, right? Let’s get started. Continue Reading »

From Santa Claus to Homer Simpson, everyone loves a fat guy, and at some point these fat guys were fat kids. We’re celebrating 80s cinema with some reflections about two of our favorite little butterball kids from some 80s classics. Dagger gave us chubby little Vern Tessio this morning, and I offer you Lawrence Cohen. Continue Reading »

One of the most glorious things about movies from the 1980s (besides everything, of course) was the delightful political incorrectness. Looking back at films from the era, and you’re struck by the candid, pointed, and often offensive adjectives used to describe and name characters. Kids call each other “fags” with nary a cross glance from appalled interest groups and “fatass” gets tossed around like “dude” in a surfer movie.

To pay tribute to this bygone era of careless, politically incorrect pejorative, Hart and I have chosen our favorite fat kids from the movies of one of our favorite eras. Mine? The awkward, whining, simpering perpetual pain in the ass from Stand by Me, played by future heartthrob Jerry O’Connell: Vern Tessio. Continue Reading »

Dagger was recently telling me how he had just watched Pineapple Express  and really didn’t like it. I agreed with him as I fell asleep about halfway through watching it and never bothered to re-watch the half I missed. As I thought more about how I did not care for that movie it dawned on me that I really do not like pot movies in general. In fact you could say that I hate pot movies. Continue Reading »