This is the true story of five strangers forced into a tiny Confessional booth to have their answers recorded and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real by answering the question: If you could be a contestant on any reality show, what would it be?

The results follow, and I promise that none of us will spin off to participate in any inane challenge shows or host MTV’s “The Grind.” Although, no matter whether you’re gay or straight, we’re willing to bet you can’t get enough of that Eric Nies. Let’s find out if he’s in here further. Here’s this week’s Confessional.

***

E Dagger: There’s a reality show for everything now. I remember thinking there was nothing else they could possibly make a show out of when I saw “Parking Wars” on A&E. This is a show about meter maids, the lowest form of employment in our country today. Why anyone would like to watch this show totally escapes me, but then, I don’t understand most things that are popular anymore.

I actually tried out for a reality show in college called “Rally Racer” that didn’t get picked up. I would have been part of a competition to become a professional rally racecar driver, but there wasn’t a big enough market for that kind of thing. Imagine that. So, unless a weird, esoteric show like that comes along, I can’t imagine wanting to take part in any kind of competition based program.

The show I would like to do? 5 Takes, which my friend Gabe actually did get to take part in. Travel Channel chose five people to travel the Pacific Rim, blog their experiences, and be on television. The only catch was that they had to live on $50 a day, which, if we rewind five years or so, would have been more than enough anywhere I went. If someone pays you to travel to interesting places, why would you ever turn them down? In fact, if Travel Channel offered me any show (with the exception of Bizarre Foods), I’d probably go in a heartbeat. More power to travel!

Lee S. Hart: I am so very against reality television shows. Giving worthless pieces of crap time on my television to annoy me. Not to mention the fact that it takes jobs away from writers. Screw that noise, Jack! But I don’t want to be the one answering this confession like there, so after some thought I figured out which ones I would like to be on.

“Last Comic Standing.” This show gave a chance to people who actually showed a least a little bit of talent. On top of that stand up comedy would be something I would love to be able to do, but to do it well is very tough. Just think about trying to write a joke or a bit that could be used in a stand up routine. Not that simple, even if it’s not that funny, it’s still hard to do. Then to get up in front of people and put yourself out there. I don’t have a fear of public speaking, but to have to do and hope people find you funny would be nerve racking. To be able to go on this show, and make it just past the audition rounds would be such a confidence booster and give me new hope in my craft.

Part of me also thinks I would like to be on “The Ultimate Fighter.” This would never happen I as I am a giant wuss. But to be on it would mean I am some what of a tough guy bad ass. I am sure I would change my mind as soon I as got my nose broken or was put in the most painful arm bar. Sort of how I’d like to be on the “Girls Next Door” as Hugh Hefner until I picked up VD from one of those skanks, or had to sit around while Kendra laughed.

***

And now we hear from some of our more fame hungry readers. They may not act like your garden variety Snooki, but then, what does that look like? Let’s find out where they’d like to show up on the lowest rung of the television ladder. Stay tuned for next week’s question at the bottom:

Jitterrawks: I’ve debated this topic at length with several of my friends. A large part of me wants nothing to do with the industry.  It’s helped to spawn an entire generation of people who just want to be famous without accomplishing anything.  It’s definitely making people much dumber, and creating a society where train wrecks are heralded more than accomplishment.  It also seems to spurn a whole new level of narcissism, which may be the downfall of society, and is certain to be the reason aliens choose to blow up our planet instead of working with us (a theory created from that Paris Hilton show and further confirmed with Jersey Shore). 

But…another part of me wants to go on one of these shows to mess with people…especially the hilariously bad dating shows that seem to just be a stepping stone to a life of even more hilarious challenge-type shows.  I actually had dreams to audition for Elimidate, the show where it was one girl and five guys (or the other way around), and they eliminate dates as the night progresses…but I’d just eliminate myself in the first round. However, I learned more about the machine known as Reality TV, and found out there are roles cast and crazy lawsuits hanging overhead for those who step off the path…so that was out.

This leaves me with one solution.  The Mole.  An amazing show that combines the cool aspects of Amazing Race, but there is one person there that is out to ruin it for everyone.  And everyone who isn’t the Mole tries to convince everyone else they are it…because whoever is left at the end wins money.  It’s ideal…combining travel, challenges and trickery with zero VD reported.  I never followed this when it was on, but there was a weekend marathon awhile back.  Plus, I’d get to meet Anderson Cooper (I’m ignoring the Ahmad Rashad era).

Dzayson: Okay dudes, I’m going to cheat slightly on this one.  As I hate reality television with a passion, the only way I’d want to be on one of those shows is if I was a surprise suicide bomber guest. But then I figured that if Survivor counts, and Survivor is really just a high-concept game show, why couldn’t I pick a more desireable game show (from the 80′s, mo less?)

So I’m going with Double Dare. I used to love watching this show back in the day. I wanted to be on it in the worst way (that’s what she said, I know). Part of this was because, even at nine years old, I recognized how mind-numbingly easy the trivia questions were. But the bigger part was a desire to partake in the climatic obstacle course at the end of the show. When you’re nine, the idea of winning prizes by scrambling through a bunch of muck is almost unbearably appealing. I mean, what kid wouldn’t want to earn a Garfield phone by finding an orange flag inside a gigantic peanut butter and jelly sandwich? And when you’re thirty… well, it still beats hanging out with the Guidodouches from Jersey Shore.

Lady E: I know that everyone says, “I don’t really watch reality TV,” or “I hate reality TV,” and I am going to call them LIARS! Almost everything now is reality tv, as it is so damn cheap to make and everyone wannts their 15 minutes of fame. So while I don’t watch Amazing Race, have never seen an episode of Survivor, and would rather peel my own skin off than have to live in the house of the Real World/ Road Rules challenges, my choice would have to be LA Ink. I love tattoos, I have 5 and want more, more, More! I would love to be an artist on the show (despite the fact that I am not a tattoo artist, or artis in general), or even the front desk girl. I would be so much better than that idiot skank they had last season… I think they would find me a bit preppy, but would eventually love me. You get to hang out with great artists, interesting people, hear cool stories about people and what their tattoos mean to them. Art on the ultimate for of art? Yes please and sign me up!

***

From one hypothetical to another, we move to next week’s Confessional question. We consider ourselves experts around here on some pretty bizarre stuff – the movie RAD, the many bands of Tim Armstrong, “Saved by the Bell” trivia. In fact, we’re willing to bet that we could teach a class on any of the above subjects better than roughly 100% of the universe.

With that in mind, we want to know: What class are you better equipped to teach than anyone else on earth? This can obviously be anything. This can be how to make a PB&J without sogging the bread. You can teach a class on how to get the most value at bars in Denver for under $10. Hell, you can teach a class on the best way to organize a wallet so you don’t injure your back when you sit down. Literally anything! Give us your best, weirdest, and most unique expertise.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Confession is good for your soul. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Dagger & Hart