The way I initially planned to open this article included the following construction: “With celebrity gossip dominating the headlines lately…” And then I realized how stupid that sentence is considering it could applied to any week after roughly 2003. Our entire news cycle is peppered with the relationship troubles of celebrities we shouldn’t even give a crap about, but do.

So, since you’ll see them saturating the culture anyway, and since it’s been so long since we’ve done a Love Lounge around here, why not marry the two concepts and skewer some retarded relationship advice? That sounds like a Wednesday, now don’t it?

You know the drill here. I find an article that espouses to give relationship advice, we read it together, and then we mock its horrifically misguided bon mots. And considering celebrities give generally horrible advice about environmental stewardship, politics, and virtually everything else in society, why shouldn’t they offer some shitty relationship guidance too?

This article was originally part of Esquire, but was found on Yahoo. Let’s get enlightened together. Without further ado, here’s your newest entrant in the Love Lounge.

Dating Tips: 12 Things You Don’t Know About Women

Check out the relationship and dating advice you can use from these otherwise distracting celebrity ladies. Now stop staring and go be a better man.

I love it already. Whoever was in charge of coming up with content for Yahoo’s dating site on March 29 was just hung the fuck over or busy searching Fleshbot, so they just ripped off something from Esquire and wrote two lousy sentences of introduction. Beautiful.

1. Christina Applegate

“Call us back right away. That ‘three day’ business does not apply. We’re getting older, and we don’t have time to screw around. Wait too long and we’ll lose interest. Trust me on this one.”

I suppose technically the phrase “We’re getting older” applies to everyone, but young women aren’t exactly beacons of efficiency and actually have tons of time to screw around. I appreciate the spirit here, but really, wasting time by dicking off when you’re young isn’t exclusively a male trespass.

2. Courtney Cox

“We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It’s bad enough if you don’t have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it.”

Forgive me if I’ve told this story before, but there was burly guy at my church growing up who had the manliest hands I’ve ever felt. Shaking hands with Ben Cutter (yes, that was his exceedingly masculine name that matched his butch hands) was like shaking hands with a calloused bag of walnuts. I can’t imagine Courtney Cox would like having these cement breakers sanding her delicate body during intimate times. Manly hands may look cool, but if your man has girly little hooks, there could be worse fates.

3. Padma Lakshmi

“Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates.”

Then what the fuck are we arguing about? Start boxing, then. And watch Adam Carolla’s The Hammer. It’s totally underrated.

4. Alyssa Milano

“Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.”

If you’re married, you appreciate the mystery of the “fat day.” You still don’t understand it, but you can sort of appreciate your wife feeling less than spectacular. I think everyone would be better off if they called themselves “Brian Dennehy” on a fat day because Brian Dennehy fucking rules. Imagine how much more fun life would be if your wife just came out and said, “Eight whiskey sours and I still sold the son of a bitch… Damn I’m good!” You’d immediately know she was having a fat day, and you get a sweet Dennehy quote to boot. I think even horribly divided Congress can get on board with passing this as a law.

5. Poppy Montgomery

“When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you’re afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it’s always flattering when you hit on us. Always.”

Who the hell is this person? I’ve never heard of Poppy Montgomery. Regardless, I wish I’d hit on more chicks during college but I was so soured from my previous relationship and so freaking drunk most of the time, I didn’t sling much game. But she’s absolutely right. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Aim high.

6. Tea Leoni

“Supersecret: Unless we’re blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.”

Wow, a toilet seat insight! Is it 1996 already? Are the standup comics aware of this groundbreaking insight? Also, Tea Leoni sucks.

7. Mariska Hargitay

“We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything, be it a black tie [event] or a basketball game. When it takes longer than that… what are you doing in there?”

“We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish.”

Apparently Mariska Hargitay gets two. And why shouldn’t she? She has one of the most verbally satisfying names to say in recorded history right behind Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. It ‘s such a neat handle, it led to what was apparently the only funny gag in The Love Guru. And that’s saying something. Listen to this woman.

8. Emily Deschanel

“Even if we’ve only been dating a few weeks, don’t introduce us as your ‘lady friend’ — or that’s exactly what we’ll become.”

“Lady friend” is still a few steps above my preferred descriptor “womanpiece” so be careful what you wish for. Although objectively “lady friend” should be more acceptable than “girlfriend” because it implies nobility and doesn’t infantilize the woman you’re trying to bone. But I agree, “lady friend” just sounds inherently dorky.

9. Jenna Fischer

“If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble.”

If you run into an ex-girlfriend in public, you should probably just change cities. Running into an ex never leads to anything good. Just move instead.

10. Julie Delpy

“We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don’t always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you’d like to discuss it further, just leave a message.”

I hate this one. Think of the outrage that would inevitable if some chauvinist blithely spewed this. Everyone would be pissed. When Julie Delpy says it, it’s supposed to be cute. Blech.

11. Maria Bello

“We’re afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we’re not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models.”

Sweet Jesus, do I find Maria Bello hot? Anyone happen to catch that movie The Cooler? She rides Bill Macy’s love pole like she’s trying for an Olympic medal. The movie is sort of uncomfortable to watch otherwise, but her nakedness with William H. Macy is not to be missed, man… Geez.

What were we talking about?

12. Kyra Sedgwick

“Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends.”

Since you almost certainly travel in the same circles, it seems avoiding your lady friend’s enemies shouldn’t prove all that challenging. Unless she’s secretly a supervillain, and then you never know.

13. Lee S. Hart (and neither a woman, nor famous, I know)

“Clear and direct communication is key to a successful marriage. Try ending all of your domestic exchanges with ‘Roger that, good buddy.’”

I’m not sure where he got that from, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that women love when you talk them using military jargon.

Best of luck in your relationships everyone. And if you see something worthy of inclusion in the Love Lounge, you know where to send it.

edagger@crujonessociety.com