Everyone has that one thing they have oddly specific knowledge about. For the most part this information would only come in handy when attending your local trivia night. Well we looked into the “What If Crystal Ball” and found a fun little scenario for you and your specific knowledge. If you were given the opportunity to teach a class, what is the one subject you would be best equipped to teach? We got your responses and put together a class schedule. Now grab your books and get to class.

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Hart: A big part of me wants to say my class would be all about the beers of Colorado. There would be tastings and we would make our own and compare it to the state’s most popular. While I do have some pretty good knowledge about several of the fine breweries of Colorado, there are still a shit ton that I have no information about other than a name and a basic location. There is also the problem of trying to gain the necessary knowledge. I am not sure if I am retaining enough information at these fine establishments, or if all the information is washed out with every pint consumed.

With that out the window, there is really only one class I am qualified to teach, and that class would be all about the Muppets. If you are a regular visitor to this site then you have a pretty good idea that I could easily teach people everything they could ever imagine about the Muppets. I could build a curriculum that included everything about the Muppets from history to psychology, and even how to capture the Muppet’s voice in writing. I once sent an email to Dagger written as Cookie Monster, around here that kind of email isn’t considered bizarre, and he later told me the email sounded exactly like it came from Cookie Monster and not from me. I’m like the Michael Winslow of writing Muppet voices.

Sure there is no practical application for what could come from this class, but everyone needs a fun class once in awhile.

Dagger: When I was in college, I used to joke that there were two things I could do better than anyone else on earth: Answer trivia about “Saved by the Bell” and win at WWF No Mercy for the N64. While I’ve been beaten multiple times by truly freaky people at knowledge of the eponymous kids’ show, no one dares question my dominance at WWF No Mercy.

Remember in Kill Bill when Uma Thurman gets accepted to train under Grand Master Pai Mei, the old dude with the white beard? He forces her to punch at a block of wood until her knuckles bleed, makes her use chopsticks when she’s mentally exhausted and physically broken, and carry buckets of water on her back over and over again to make her a supreme assassin? It was through training like that, that I became unbeatable at WWF No Mercy.

I alluded to this in a past Confessional, but CJS Regular Salwon showed me, well, no mercy when he taught me how to play the game that preceded this one. When I finally was able to make a match out of it, it was a serious ninja fight, and although he moved on to other games, I persevered and haven’t been beaten since probably 2003.

I am the Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, and Jack Nicholson of this game. Come to my class, and while you’ll never know this pedestal, you’ll at least get to taste a bit of greatness.

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We offered a couple of classes that would be great electives as they are fun but offer no real bankable skills. The one response we got this week, though, should be a pre-requisite for all high-school sophomores.

CassieB: Like many teachers, I have more than one area of specialty. I figured that this additional training makes me more employable (is that a word?) during a job shortage or bad economy. 

My primary class would be: Grocery Bagging 101. I mean seriously, people. Does it not make sense to put all of the fragile or “squishable” items in one bag? Start with the heaviest item at the bottom and work your way up. No, I do NOT like it, Mr. Bagger, when you put my chips on top of one bag, the bread on top of a different bag and bagels on top of another bag! This works for you, leaving your conscious free and clear of squishing, but when I go to load my trunk, things shift and inevitably the bread ends up below the 24 pack of bottled water. Instead, I would love to take that one perfectly packaged bag of fragile items, and sit it comfortably next to me in the front passenger seat all the while guaranteeing that my bag of Ruffles doesn’t end up as a bag of breadcrumbs.

While you are at it, Mr. Bagger, it would be fantastical if you could put all of my frozen items in one bag, refrigerated items in another and produce in yet another. That way, when I get home from the store and am in a rush to feed the kid or get dinner ready, I can put these bags quickly into the freezer or fridge and let the others sit until I have more time to put them away.  Instead I have to dig, finding my coffee creamer cleverly packaged between my deodorant and a can of beans. 

If you find yourself a pro at grocery bagging, this semester I will also be offering one additional “extracurricular” class: Soft Serve Ice Cream Cone Preparation. Now I know this may seem like a tough one, but you too can someday prepare the perfect cone! The key is this: allow the ice cream to flow from the spout at the slowest speed possible. With one hand on the lever and one holding a cone, stay still. Don’t move the cone around in circles. Just let the ice cream fill the cone chamber. Once the ice cream has filled the cone remind yourself again to keep the hand steady with no circular motions. Instead, move your hand in an “up-down” motion creating fluffy little pillows on top of the cone. And release! Ok that sounded a bit pornographic, but I guarantee you a cone that does not topple over and looks almost as good as those on the Dairy Queen billboards.

We have set your class schedule and gave you a light load this semester. You have the best teachers in their respected fields and we hope you ace the classes. There is no excuse not to. Unless you get distracted by something going on in your life.

Going on right now are the NHL and the NBA playoffs, which can be distracting, especially if you attend a game. While you may enjoy the time you have at a first round playoff game, it is not as fun as attending the big show. So with that in mind: What sporting event is at the top of your live sports bucket list? Do you want to be courtside at Wimbledon? How about tossing back min juleps at the Kentucky Derby? Or do you hope you’re there for Harry Potter’s final game of Quidditch? Everyone has one event they want to see, we want to know yours. Maybe we can work our magic and get you tickets. Don’t hold your breath on that.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Confession is good for your soul. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll put them up next week.

Dagger & Hart