1…2…3…4 Get your woman on the floor. Gotta gotta get up, get down. Gotta gotta get up, get down.

Word up everybody, so glad you’re here. It’s Coolio, put the flow back in your ear. This ain’t the fantastic four, but I’m still on a mission to see if I can get your attention.

If you remember that song, you probably graduated college at least five years ago. If you got a twinge of nostalgia when you read those lyrics, you probably are a dork.

Whatever the case, it’s Friday so it’s time to get your woman on the floor. Heat up that oven of hers with links about beer, sports, comedy, and disease (hey, disease!). If that don’t work, baby you can take your time do it right, we can drink some Jager do it all damn night! Slide, slide, but that’s the fact, got something brand new for that ass!


 Let’s start with this week’s required listening, which sees CJS favorite Adam Carolla joining another recent CJS favorite Drew Magary on the Deadcast. These two august scholars of dumping, Onanism, and general low culture delight tackle such vital cultural questions as:

Crack baby vs. AIDS baby?

How often does the president masturbate?

How often does the president plow his wife?

Are the people at ESPN still retard chicken pussy cowards for banning Simmons from his podcast? Is Simmons still banned? And most vital of all…

Is it okay to lick knifes?

If any of that sounds appealing to you, you’ve probably already listened to this podcast rendering this entire bullet point redundant. For the three of you who haven’t listened to this and still want to, that’s why CJS is here. Also, Drew Magary’s voice does not sound the way we pictured it. But no one’s does, we guess. Except maybe Chuck Klosterman. That guy sounds about right.


Keeping on this here theme of funny people (God, what a horrible segue – the schedule of this new job is fucking killing me and my writing…particularly on a Thursday night after one long ass fucking week…is going completely to hell), Tina Fey gives yet another awesome interview which makes her roughly 5000 for 5000 in her interesting interview batting average. And for the record, if I had to lose my dental insurance, I’d want the news broken to me via Tina Fey sketch. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make any sense, just read the interview.

There was also a great 20Q with BJ Novak in Playboy this month that I can’t find online, which is probably fine considering the vast majority of you are reading this at work. Just go to your dad’s closet and steal it out of there like you used to. After you ogle the naked ladies, read this 20Q. He’s terrific.


As we move into our sports section, we have our Confessional question to ask you: What events are at the top of your sports bucket list? Hart and I debate this a lot, and we’ve each got a Top 5 that we’ll share with you on Monday. But it isn’t a real Confessional unless you participate too. So whether it’s getting in a drunken fight with some Scottish soccer hooligans at the World Cup or making like Chester the Molester at the High School Cheerleading Championships in Orlando, share the events you just have to see before you die. staff@crujonessociety.com is the address. Get them before Sunday night. We’ll share fantasies on Monday.


In a link that proves I haven’t been sleeping well, here’s the cockiest fucking soccer penalty kick you’ll ever see. I have no idea how I found this interesting enough on Tuesday to email it to myself, but here you go. Evidently Sebastian “Loco” Abreu isn’t the only one to nail this feat of supreme arrogance, Zinedine “Chestbutt” Zidane also pulled it off four years ago in the World Cup. I may have included this link just to be able to type Zinedine Zidane and say it in my head. That’s got to be one of the five finest names in the history of existence in terms of pure pleasure to say. Not every day both names start with “z.”


In sports news we actually give a shit about, we unfortunately have to share the yin and the yang of our beloved Colorado Rockies.

In yin news, Ubaldo (If you bald-o…) Jimenez pitched the Rockies’ first ever no-hitter last Saturday night.I watched the game for the first five innings and after seeing Ubaldo walk six guys, I didn’t even notice he hadn’t given up a hit, got bored, and watched the first half hour of Kindergarten Cop before meeting Cassie B and Mr. CassieB out for drinks. I can’t recall ever feeling worse about missing a baseball game. It’s like the opposite of how I felt not seeing the Bartman game live. I’ve always wanted to watch a no-hitter, and like an idiot, I missed this one. No matter. Great job by Ubaldo, and considering he won again yesterday, I’d be shocked if he DIDN’T win the Cy Young this year. He’s wrecking fools like he’s fucking Voldemort or something. (I’ve never read Harry Potter, does that even make sense?)

In yang news, Rockies’ president Keli McGregor died Wednesday in Salt Lake City. As a former CSU Ram, Denver Bronco, and current Colorado Rockies President, we feel for all those close to Mr. McGregor. By all accounts he was an amazing man, a terrific leader, and a good friend. CJS sends its condolences to everyone hurting at the loss of Keli McGregor. We hope the Rockies honor him by taking it all the way this year. RIP Mr. McGregor.


In beer news, another Yard House location opens soon in Downtown Denver where they’ll feature a broad assortment of local brews. If you’re drinking beer, you’d be hard pressed to find a better place than the Yard House. So many taps, so many good beers, pretty fucking decent Happy Hour. If you’re drinking martinis, watch yo’ shit. My mom is a tiny little woman who somehow managed to drink four of these bad boys and then drive home without batting an eyelash. Translation: I’d like my fruity diabetes with extra water please! For its excellent selection and piss poor value on fru-fru martinis, stick to beer at the Yard House.

In related news, ever wanted to get liquored up and then have a spelling contest? If you answered yes, you’re either Doc Holliday and mocking my poker ability, or we should hang out soon because I totally want to!I’m an awesome speller, and there’s nothing like a goofy competition to make your drunkenness all that much more fun. Unless you were playing Geeks Who Drink with us last night and some jerkoff who’s heading up a quiz at a different bar totally killed the mojo with his horrible vocal style and draconian scoring system. The real quizmaster ended up being cool as hell, and we finished third. But still, fuck that other guy.

You can tell which one is us in the photos because we’re the ones named after a comedy album, and in the photo they took of us, Hart looks like Russell Crowe after a three day bender, and Keithage and I have tiny looking little girl hands.


Since there are no good transitions for the remainder of these links, you’re going to get them all fired at your face like a Bukkake video. Hold your breath, and just try to survive.

- If you’re completely neurotic and need something random and uncontrollable to worry about this weekend, here are 6 Terrifying Diseases That Science Can’t Explain. Dancing Plague sounds sort of fun, although probably not if you live in that town that outlawed dancing in Footloose, but I can say Prions sounds like possibly the worst thing ever when it shreds your brain. Sleep well!

- Since we clearly don’t talk about this show enough, CJS Regular Gutter was kind enough to send along an admittedly haphazardly constructed “Then and Now” slideshow featuring the cast of “Hey Dude.” Why isn’t this show on DVD yet?

- Ever wonder where surf douches and black presidents picked up the “chaka brah” hand sign? Wonder where the high five comes from? That’s why Mental Floss is here. Peep their article revealing the origins of some of your favorite hand gestures of all-time. What about the nWo WolfPac sign from WCW? Won’t someone think of Konnan or Big Sexy?

- And evidently our environment is both getting worse and better. Imagine that. Thanks a lot Earth Day. You haven’t been useful in at least 20 years.


To wrap up, here’s some random terror.

Happy Friday, y’all. See you next week.