With the Kentucky Derby coming up Saturday, CJS wants to give you the first look at this year’s field. However, since we know nothing about the technical side of horse racing, haven’t followed it all year, and can’t be bothered to conduct actual research, you get the vital stats of each horse followed by a bunch of juvenile jokes about their names and odds we pulled completely out of our ass. All of the information below (except for our bullshit odds) can be found here.

So, enjoy! And please don’t base any potential wagers on any of our given odds. They are totally fabricated and written off the top of my head. One final warning, I’ve included pictures of all these horses, but have no idea if they’re accurate (except for the ones with the names on their blankets of course - smartass). You probably wouldn’t know the difference anyway, but in the interest of full disclosure, I thought I’d mention it. Let’s get started!

American Lion

Trainer: Eoin Harty
Owner: WinStar Farm LLC.
Breeder: WinStar Farms LLC. and Dr. William Lockridge

I like this name because it’s like a cross between a Van Damme movie from when he was good and Chris Jericho from when he wrestled in Japan. Then I remember that Van Damme is now a self-parody, and I’m a grown man who dressed up as a pro wrestler for Halloween last year. I make myself sad. I’m also off-put by this horse’s trainer having three vowels in their four-letter first name. That’s not right. Especially when the three vowels all come before the consonant. It’s like the Bizarro World Kent Hrbek.

CJS Odds: 9-1

Awesome Act

Jockey: Julien Leparoux
Trainer: Jeremy Noseda
Owner: Vinery Stables and Susan Roy
Breeder: Flaxman Holdings Ltd.

Look at that jockey’s name. Julien Leparoux. This is a guy who just HAD to be involved in horse racing somewhere based on his name alone. With a tiny build and a Frenchy name like that, he’d either have to be a jockey or a jewel thief. Since credible jewel thieves only seem to exist in movies or old-timey cartoons, oddly enough, jockey turned out to be a much wiser career path. Put jockey against any virtually any other profession, and it almost never comes out as the better choice.

CJS Odds: 11-2

Backtalk

Jockey: Miguel Mena
Trainer: Tom Amoss
Owner: Gold Mark Farm, LLC.

The horse with sass. Always good to bet on a horse with sass. Of course, that does sort of depend on what type of sass we’re talking about here. If it’s the kind of sass the female lead in a Tyler Perry written comedy displays you’ve got a good shot. If it’s like middle school girl sass, all you’ll get is a whole lot of eye rolling and several exasperated huffs. Hopefully for those of you betting on Backtalk, it’s the former. If it’s the latter, God help ya’.

CJS Odds: 22-1 (We think it’s the latter)

Conveyance

Trainer: Bob Baffert
Owner: Zabeel Racing International
Breeder: Gulf Coast Farms

When Beldar Conehead presents gifts from Earth to the High Master, he presents the owner’s manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable which he explains is “a personal conveyance named for its inventor, assassinated ruler, God of Roman mythology, and a small fur covered mammal.” Point? If this things runs like a the profoundly mediocre Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable, it’ll finish reliably, but not spectacularly.

CJS Odds: 17-1

Dean’s Kitten

Trainer: Michael Maker
Owner: Kenneth and Sarah Ramsey
Breeder: Kenneth and Sarah Ramsey

Easily the most adorable name in the field or the name of a schoolgirl-themed porno. One of the owners is Sarah Ramsey which just sounds straight up wholesome. How the hell is a horse named “Kitten” supposed to win anything besides a “Who has the biggest baleful eyes contest?” Longshot here to be sure.

CJS Odds: 25-1

Devil May Care

Jockey: John Velazquez
Trainer: Todd Pletcher
Owner: Glencrest Farm LLC.
Breeder: Diamond A Racing Corp

Awesome name on this horse. And it comes from the Diamond A Racing Corp which sounds like the premier Hollywood talent agency for horses. Win or lose, you can bet your ass this horse will be living the sweet life after retirement banging fine ass chick horses while the owners light cigars off their $100 bills. We like this one to win immensely.

CJS Odds: 3-1

Discreetly Mine

 Jockey: Javier Castellano
Trainer: Todd Pletcher
Owner: E. Paul Robsham Stables LLC.
Breeder: E. Paul Robsham Stables LLC.

So Todd Pletcher is the trainer for this horse and Devil May Care. I’ve always wondered exactly what a horse trainer does. I know dog trainers get your dog to perform cute little tricks and stop sticking their noses in your guests’ crotches, but what exactly does a horse trainer do? How do you get a horse to run faster? I know it sounds like I’m being funny here, but I’m actually completely serious. So if anyone knows, feel free to fill me in. Thanks! Also, I have nothing humorous to add about this name except that it’s pretty fucking hard to be discreet when your horse runs in the biggest horse race on the planet.

CJS Odds: 10-1

Dublin

Jockey: Terry Thompson
Trainer: D. Wayne Lukas
Owner: William Mack and Robert Baker
Breeder: Peter E. Blum & Gerry Dilger

I may not know from trainers, but I know D. Wayne Lukas is the tits in terms of horse trainers. Watch the Derby even once and you’re bound to hear this guy’s name at least a few dozen times. And since apparently it’s cool as hell to associate yourself with Ireland, we also like this horse.

CJS Odds: 4-1

Endorsement

Jockey: Robby Albarado
Trainer: Shannon Ritter
Owner: WinStar Farm LLC.
Breeder: Kilroy Thoroughbred Partnership

A good solid noun. Strong connotation. No clear antecedent. Endorsement of the horse? The trainers? The sport of horse racing? Senate candidate Jane Norton? No one knows. This is just vague enough to win shit.

CJS Odds: 7-1

Homeboykris

Trainer: Richard Dutrow, Jr.
Owner: Lazzinnaro, Bulger, Mandato, Diamond Pride, Tabraue, Sallusto, Teel, and Borislow

Does it strike anyone else that this name is incomplete? Doesn’t it look like it should be Homeboykris@hotmail.com or something some little thug wannabe makes as his email address. And look at those owners’ names. Eight separate entities own this horse which leads me to believe 8 little homeboys pooled their scratch ticket winnings to buy a horse and named it after their poor little friend who died in the hood. I’ll be positively flabbergasted if this horse does anything even though it’s trained by Rick Dutrow.

CJS Odds: 50-1

Ice Box

Trainer: Nick Zito
Owner: Robert LaPenta
Breeder: Denlea Park, Ltd.

The Ice Box is the best character in Little Giants except for that weird looking tiny kid with the glasses and the asthma. She pounded the crap out of Spike in the big game, and since she turned into an absolute hottie once she got older, we have high hopes for this Ice Box too.

CJS Odds: 9-1

Interactif

Trainer: Todd Pletcher
Owner: Wertheimer and Frere
Breeder: Wertheimer and Frere

There’s old Todd Pletcher again as the trainer. Shouldn’t his name be Fletcher? How many times do you think teachers got that wrong on the first day of school? Anyway, Interactif sounds like a European dating site for swingers or a pretentious cocktail you have to order in some stuffy ultra lounge that blasts shitty techno music and has confusing lighting schemes while Middle Eastern guys wearing Armani Exchange talk really loud on their cell phones. Yuck.

CJS Odds: 22-1

Jackson Bend

Jockey: Mike Smith
Trainer: Nick Zito
Owner: Robert LaPenta and Jacks or Better Farm (Fred Brei)
Breeder: Jacks or Better Farm

Best name for a breeder so far. You can only play Jacks or Better in a proper game of 5 Card Draw, and we only breed horses of that caliber too. Very nice. Jackson Bend also seems like it could be a sexual position that one of your friends made up in college, but never actually executed. Still, you come from the Jacks or Better Farm. You’re a winner!

CJS Odds: 12-1

Line of David

Jockey: Rafael Bejarano
Trainer: John Sadler
Owner: Ike and Dawn Thrash

Like a Star of David, but only 1/6 as good. Jewish people everywhere weep for the other 5 lines to make a proper star.

CJS Odds: 30-1

Lookin At Lucky

Jockey: Garrett Gomez
Trainer: Bob Baffert
Owner: Mike Pegram, Karl Watson, Paul Weitman
Breeder: Gulf Coast Farms

We had an awesome Pimps & Hos party in college (this applies to everyone who went to college, really) and we all had pimp names. CJS Regular Deuce was “Silky”, Tron was “PizzaPussySanta” (ripped off from an old Dave Attell joke) and Keithage was “Lucky” for his big shamrock shaped bling. Whenever I’m Lookin at Lucky, I feel good. Therefore I feel good about this horse.

CJS Odds: 6-1

Mission Impazible

Trainer: Todd Pletcher
Owner: Twin Creek Racing Stables
Breeder: Summer Wind Farm

Jesus H. Christ, Pletcher! Don’t your clients worry about a conflict of interest here? Regardless, I’m sure this name means something, but it just looks like some idiotically named Facebook group. Yes, I caved and joined Facebook. No, I’m not ashamed of that decision. Yes, I think Facebook is fine.

CJS Odds: 27-1

Noble’s Promise

Jockey: Willie Martinez
Trainer: Kenny McPeek
Owner: Chasing Dreams Racing 2008 LLC
Breeder: Charles Kidder, Ben Kidder, and Nancy Cole

This sounds to me like the stupid name of some lame high school band that everyone secretly hates, but goes to their shows anyway because it’s high school. Seriously, what else are you gonna do? While reading who the breeders were, I was hoping after the first two Kidders, there’d be Margot Kidder who’s crazier than bacon-scented suntan lotion. If Margot Kidder were there, I’d bet on this horse to flip out and try to eat another horse mid-race, which would make for the most wildly entertaining Derby ever! But alas, this horse’s name only conjures images of faux high school depth. I named it Noble’s Promise because Deep Honor Betrayed kicked me out of my last band. Boo.

CJS Odds: 12-1

Paddy O’Prado

Jockey: Kent Desormeaux
Trainer: Dale Romans
Owner: Donegal Racing

What the fuck is up with all the Irish this year? It’s like how you can’t go one week in Denver without another goddamn Irish pub opening somewhere. I normally don’t like government interference in business, but I’d like the city to declare a moratorium on any more Irish pubs for a while. We have plenty. As for this horse, the name sounds tough and like it would hang out with the Boondock Saints or something, so we’ll give it high odds. And since I have neither the time nor energy to look it up, I’ll just say that I think Kent Desormeaux is a really good jockey. You’re on your own there, though.

CJS Odds: 5-1

Setsuko

Trainer: Richard Mandella
Owner: Wertheimer & Frere
Breeder: Wertheimer & Frere

Remember in Wayne’s World when Benjamin orders the Chinese food speaking in Cantonese? I think one of the words he utters is “Setsuko.” If that is at all true, and has anything to do with the name of this horse, I’ll be one smiling bastard. Since it isn’t, and I don’t care what the hell this pertains to, let’s all just pretend that’s true. Ok then.

CJS Odds: 16-1

Sidney’s Candy

Jockey: Joe Talamo
Trainer: John Sadler
Owner: Craig Family Trust
Breeder: Craig Family Trust

“Tastes like candy! Can I have another?”

Four of you understand that reference, and you’re laughing now. As for the rest of you, too bad. That’s all you get.

CJS Odds: 11-2

Stately Victor

Jockey: Alan Garcia
Trainer: Michael Maker
Owner: F. Thomas Conway and Jack Conway
Breeder: Adena Springs

Do you suppose “Victor” pertains to a winner, or a dude of that name? If it’s a winner, this is a perfect name to capture the aristocratic essence of horse racing. If it’s a dude’s name, then it’s like a rich person antithesis to Garbage Pail Kids. Instead of “Potty Scotty” or “Itchy Ritchie” the rich people cards could be like “Stately Victor” or “Trust Fund Tom” or “Gentrifying Ben.” In fact, that sounds awesome. Why have we been wasting our time with this shit?

CJS Odds: 9-2

Super Saver

Jockey: Calvin Borel
Trainer: Todd Pletcher
Owner: WinStar Farm LLC.
Breeder: WinStar Farm LLC.

If you’re going for horse racing, never go for the bargain basement. Super Saver ain’t saving shit – especially against the likes of Stately Victor. No way.

CJS Odds: 50-1

Enjoy the Derby, everyone! We’re back tomorrow with a look back at past winners, then it’s Happy Friday, then the Confessional, and then our Derby Awards. If you’re looking for horse, CJS is the place for you!

edagger@crujonessociety.com