It’s Derby season, which means we get to experience the only thing with more ridiculous names than yachts, race horses. And since it would be a long ass time until we would be able to own a horse of our own, we decided to throw our hat into the naming rings via the internet. This week we asked: What name would you give your race horse? Now let’s get to the names, so we can make our bets.

Dagger: If I ever become filthy stinking rich, my first luxury purchase will definitely be a race horse. Granted, I don’t even like horses under normal circumstances, but any time I can get an excuse to attend the Kentucky Derby, I’m taking it. The hardest part of naming a race horse is coming up with a name that no one else has ever proffered. But since Hart and I have spent more than 2 years trying to find a new take on things, I’m up to the task. So here are the 3 names I’ve conjured for this purpose:

1) Dawson’s Ryno Grace. Paying tribute to my three favorite Chicago Cubs of all-time is definitely something I’m interested in. And I’m guessing no one has ever offered this name in Derby history. You’ve got Andre Dawson, Ryne Sandberg, and Mark Grace. It’s the offensive nucleus of the 1989 Cubs, the first team I ever cared about. And since this is horse racing, the sport of kings, it’s always good to work in the word “grace.” If this horse performed anywhere near the ability of the three namesakes this name implies, this horse will kick fucking ass.

2) Vitojuice. I watched Beetlejuice last night, and I was reminded of when I was 7 and was offered to watch this movie with my friend Fred. I was too much of a sissy to actually go and when I told my dad what I could have seen, he changed the movie’s name to a play off our pet parakeet’s name. We started calling Vito “Vitojuice” from that point forward and it always stuck. No one would know what the hell this meant at the Derby, and just like every Halloween when I dress up like a Baseball Fury or a Reservoir Dog or something, I’d get to spend an entire day explaining what this meant. Always fun.

3) Dagger’s Dagger. Nothing better than making your prized horse a self-aggrandizing reference to your penis. Amiright, everyone? Huh? C’mon! Is it funnier if this horse were a filly? I think it is.

Hart: The problem I was having with the naming was coming up with a name that means something to me. Do I choose something that relates to my love of hockey, or something on the music tip, or maybe some obscure movie reference? So many options, but only one imaginary horse to work with.

If I were to go the hockey route it would most likely involve the nickname of my favorite player. I’m thinking Hedgy’s Hat Trick. How awesome and fitting would it be then once he won the Triple Crown? That or Fuck The Red Wings, just to stick it to them.

On the music tip you would probably expect me to go with a Rancid or Tim Armstrong related name. Well, I never thought hard enough to go that way. I went with a song from the only band that matters, The Clash. To honor Joe, Mick, Paul and Topper, my horse would be named Clash City Rocker. Aside from the props to The Clash, I just think this name sounds cool; also my horse would rock the race track.

My first thought for a movie reference would be from Wayne’s World 2, and definitely obscure. The horse would be called Forty Minutes. It’s fun if you know what it’s from and if you didn’t know what it was from it would allow you to have some added fun at your Derby party as you and your friends try to figure it out.

But I think my final answer would be Wolfman’s Got Nards.

 *

*

Baseball, hockey and dick jokes; would you expect anything less from the authors here at CJS? Now let’s turn it over to our readers and fill out the rest of the race field.

Deuce: I read this confessional topic on Monday and have been thinking about it and figured that a good name would just come to me. This morning it did. I had to tweak it a little to get it down to 18 characters. I took the “f” out of “of.” I guess I could have just removed the spaces, but that felt like cheating. I think it is fun because it’s aggressive with a pun in it which I think makes it even cooler. Fight O the Sentry. With a name that cool, it’s going to get a lot of betting play. And isn’t that what this is really all about?

Dzayson: Hello friends. Regarding this week’s confessional question, I’ll admit at the outset that I don’t really give a goddamn about horses, as a general rule. So I didn’t really stretch the limits of my feeble imagination to come up with a clever name. What I’m trying to say is the first name that sprang to mind was Shit For Brains. Naturally, that’s far too vulgar and is immediately disqualified. I am kind of a cynical bastard with a dark sense of humor, though. So part of me would love to name a horse Off To The Glue Factory. Is that so wrong? I’m sure PETA would be up in arms, but it’s not as if the horse would be offended. But hey, I should probably lighten up a bit. If I learned anything from the 80′s classic film Hot To Trot, it’s that horses are magnificent, elegant creatures, and well worth our highest respect. So my horse’s name is Plenty Good. 

Keithage: Naming a horse is a lot like naming a trivia team.  It needs to be witty enough to not be annoying every time you hear it but not to obscure that nobody gets it.  So I’m going to go with Danger Zone.  You know what? If I can negotiate a good royalty agreement I might just go with Cru Jones Society instead.  Yeah that’s the ticket.

*

There are a lot of stipulations that would come with that name Keithage, but we can probably work something out. We’ll have our lawyers draft up an agreement.

We have our horse names set, now just to raise the funds and get them in the Derby. Then we can live like kings, hell damn ass kings! And as kings we’ll be able to attend any movie premiere we would want, and with the start of the summer blockbuster season, it’s perfect timing. This week we want to know: Which summer movie are you most excited to see and which one will suck the most balls? If you’re not sure what Hollywood is pumping out this year take a look over this list http://www.movie-moron.com/?p=10562. Then pick a couple of movies and tell us why you’re looking forward to them or why you think they’ll suck.

We want to know more about all our readers. So don’t hold back. If you haven’t confessed, or it’s been awhile, or even if you did it last week, we want to hear from you. Confession is good for your soul. Don’t be shy and send us your response, along with your posting name to staff@crujonessociety.com  and we’ll put them up next week.

Dagger & Hart