The alt rock band Cake once sang, “I don’t know much about Cinco de Mayo/I’m never sure what it’s all about.” Mostly I agree with this. I know there’s something about Mexico and conquering France or something. Since this is the case I, along with a few of you, and many members of the ska music scene take this opportunity to participate in Cinco de Mustache. The 2010 edition has been a lot of fun and only slightly disgusting. Now let’s get on with this parade of lip ferrets.

There are two ways to go about growing a mustache. The first is to grow just the mustache. I don’t care for this method as it involves one of my least favorite activities, shaving. You have to get every where except where you want the mustache to grow. That’s another I don’t care for this, the type of mustache to grow has to be decided right away. But mostly I don’t like this method because you usually end up looking like a teenager attempting to grow a mustache so the liquor store clerk will believe the fake id is real. You know the type of mustache I am talking about. It’s all light and gross looking. Growing one this way never works out right.

The solution, grow the full beard, neck optional but I advise against it because it is gross. I went this route and started my beard well last years, but I stopped trimming it months ago. It came in full and awesome. Also my beard comes in very red which is odd because my hair is a mid to dark brown, and neither of my parents have any red in their hair. This become obnoxious as everyone asked if I dyed my beard. Who in their right mind dyes their beard? Aside from Emmitt Smith and those other guys in the just for men beard dye commercials.

Dagger didn’t participate as he lacks the ability to grow facial hair. I remember the first time I grew a beard he was asking me about it. I told him the best part of having a beard is not having to shave. And the worst part of having a beard is having a beard.

Just to give you an idea of how incapable Dagger is at having facial hair, a couple of years ago for Halloween he went as the Dos Equis guy, which involved a beard. He had a fake one and he even had a hard time keeping that on. I have no idea what is wrong with that man.

In lieu of Dagger participating, CJS regular Keithage joined in on the fun. He went the same route of growing the full beard as well. He started after me and I think he kept his better groomed. Having a girlfriend will do that to a fella. There is word CJS regular Tron also grew a beard and is joining in the festivities, but he didn’t send any pictures our way.

Now that we had our beards, our glorious red beards, we can enjoy some Sexy Alligators, the official shot to have while discussing beards. By official I mean something Dagger and I made up as a joke once and just went with it. But more importantly there was the task of deciding which mustache style to go with. By growing the full beard, you allow yourself optimal time to decide, unlike growing just the mustache.

Keithage chose the Horseshoe. A fine choice. But in the process of turning the beard into a mustache, Keithage took a little detour and gave himself a Van Dyke. For some reason just the way he looks in this thing makes me want to punch him in the face. Keithage is one of my best friends, but the sight of him with the Van Dyke triggers an immediate sense of anger. I can’t explain it, most other people with Van Dykes don’t set me off, but his somehow pushes my buttons. Just that little bit of hair on his chin sets me off. It’s so infuriating that I don’t even want to publish it.

 

I went with classic Chevron, or as close as my curly hair would allow. Also if I had some mustache wax I could with Handle Bars. Perhaps next year I will invest in some. My initial impression was I thought I looked as though I was auditioning for Super Troopers 2: Game of Repeater. However I think Keithage summed it up better when he said I needed a top hat, a red coat with tails, and a circus for I was the new Ring Master.

At work my mustache was a big hit, then again I work in oil and gas where mustaches are damn near standard issue. However, one of my friends at work really doesn’t like it. She actually can’t look at me, and winces whenever she does. I have been having fun with that. She rally cannot wait until the day when I send this beast back to the fiery hell from whence in came, or the wastebasket in the bathroom, whatever.

We are given the ability to grow facial hair, well most of us men, and since we’re not trying to survive in the bitter cold, I see no real purpose to it. So I say have fun with it. My friend can deal with a week of my goofy face because I am having fun, dammit.

So as you head out to happy hour tonight to suck some down Coronas, Pacificos, or Sexy Alligators and celebrate whatever the hell this day is really about, be sure to wish everyone you see with a mustache a Happy Cinco de Mustache. Enjoy it everyone, and as usual, I’ll be giving mustache rides all night, call for an appointment.

 

See ya in the shaving aisle…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com