Since we’re talking about summer movies here, it must be summer, right? Well, it’s actually the middle of May – fucking Hollywood. It’s not even Memorial Day, but Iron Man 2 is already out which means no one respects the seasons anymore. Whatever. Regardless of what season it actually is, we asked you: What summer movie are you most looking forward to, and which one is most likely to suck balls? We answer this week’s (temporarily) final Confessional question, and then our Regulars chime in. Let’s head to the local kinetoscope house, shall we?
Lee S. Hart: As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a soldier of fortune. That’s not true at all, but I thought it was a good lead in to the movie I am most excited for this summer is The A-Team. When I was younger there were three shows I vividly remember watching with my dad, “The Incredible Hulk,” “Magnum P.I.” and “The A-Team.” “The A-Team” was far and away my favorite. Everything I have seen or read about this movie has me frothing at the mouth. Four guys with an elaborate plan shooting the shit out everything mixed with explosions galore, yeah this is what summer movies are to me. Better wait for the local showing because I ain’t it gettin on no plane!
Of course the comic book geek in me is stoked for Iron Man 2 and Priest. But after s many comic book movies it is hard to find the same excitement I once had for Spider-Man or X-Men. And I have no idea what Inception is about but it stars Leo DiCaprio and is directed by Christopher Nolan, the man responsible for Batman Begins and Dark Knight. Sounds good to me.
Also Toy Story.
As far as ball sucking, and not in the good way, my first instinct is towards The Karate Kid. They always take awesome movie to try and remakes and those fail, King Kong, Psycho, or Planet of the Apes. The link amongst these films is how well loved they were. Remaking unknown movies is a better way to go take The Birdcage or The Departed. But I think the worst offender is going to be Marmaduke. At its best this comic strip only slightly better than Family Circus. But it works because Marmaduke’s adventures are only 4 panels long (Ed note: Actually, one), I can’t imagine trying to stretch these antics out for 90 minutes. There is only so much of an over sized dog ruining people’s day that can be entertaining before it gets old and boring.
E Dagger: I can think of few things I’d like to watch less than Meet the Fockers again. It was easily 90 of the most painful minutes of my entire life and I had to watch the movie in shifts. Just awful, awful “comedy” packed into contrived setups, horrific, mean-spirited gags, and characters you hoped would die in a fiery plane crash. Hands down, one of the worst movies in the history of existence.
So to say I’m not looking forward to Little Fockers is an understatement. Nothing about this movie looks appealing. Robert DeNiro’s character is probably one of the five most reprehensible people in the history of cinema, and I’m sure this movie will have plenty of gratingly unfunny poop jokes at the expense of hapless child actors born into awful stage parents. This movie is called “Little Fockers” for fuck’s sake, which is about a half step above “Classholes” from that recent Family Guy in terms of forced, shitty comedy.
I’m probably most looking forward to Dinner for Schmucks since it’s got three funny ass people in it. I give a shit less and less about big budget action movies, and as I get older, I find nothing finer than a well-crafted comedy featuring people I like. Steve Carell, Paul Rudd & Zach Galifianakis will be just dandy for that. I hope this turns out more like I Love You, Man than Dan in Real Life because that latter movie was fucking terrible. Although, no sign of Dane Cook, so that’s good.
And now your turn. Everyone’s looking forward to something different, so that’s good. Let’s preview the summer!
Dzayson: Goddamn living in LA. For quite some time, I would have answered without hesitation that Iron Man 2 was my most highly-anticipated flick for the summer of 2010. The initial film was a whole boatload of fun. The trailer kicks fucking ass. Plus: Mickey Rourke. Gotta love the Rourke. But now I hear from my industry pals that the movie has problems. We’re talking Spider-Man 3 problems (and Christ almighty, how dorky am I sounding right now?) Hell, the thing will already have made well over a hundred million bucks by the time the CJS fellowship read this, so I suppose everyone can make up their minds for themselves. However, since hearing this grumbling, I’ve decided that Toy Story 3 takes the pole position for me. The Pixar brand is the best in the business right now. I trust em. Oh, and Inception looks pretty amazing as well.
Now, as for the flick that will, how-you-say, Suck The Most Balls. Where to begin? There are certainly some genuine turds on the horizon. I think Sex in the City 2 is a bit obvious, isn’t it? I’ll go out on a limb and figure that the CJS regulars haven’t started camping outside their favorite multiplex to grab tickets for it. And there’s that movie with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Hiegl. I can’t imagine seeing a film starring that insipid pair, even if P.T. Anderson directed it. But I’m far more irritated by that Karate Kid remake. I have many problems with this one. What the blue fuck was wrong with the original? How are we supposed to believe that a little boy is capable of martial arts mastery? It’s Will Smith’s kid, right? Weren’t they in that homeless dad movie a few years back? And wasn’t the son essentially a baby then? So that makes him how old now? Six? And Jackie Chan as Miyagi? Go fuck yourself, man. Pat Morita was nominated for an Oscar and created one of the most iconic characters in movie history. Good luck filling those shoes. Sorry to get all worked up there, but the original was just on TV a few days ago and still holds up remarkably well. In a perfect world, Billy Zabka and Ralph Macchio would show up and the premiere and kick the shit out of Chan and lil Smith. Bonzai!
Keithage: I usually don’t know what movies are out until somebody tells me “Let’s go see ___”. I can tell you what movie will probably be a big hit and I will even see but will ultimately suck. Robin Hood. I’m sorry but Russell Crowe will never be as good as that fox. I think Shrek will be another Shrek. Like Homer Simpson said. “Once upon a time there was an Ogre named Shrek three. He lived in olden times, but said things from today times.” Macgruber will either be fantastic or suck donkey balls. I am looking forward to the Harry Potter movie, because the budgets keep getting bigger and I know the story is good. I think the only people who are not looking forward to it are people who are too good to read the book. (Cough, CJS Staff, Cough)
Corriander: I’m a girl who got sucked into Sex & the City in college, so I’m looking forward to the new Sex and the City movie. And since it comes out the weekend of my birthday, maybe I can use that to get my guy to take me. It’d never happen otherwise.
That one with Jonah Hill and Russell Brand looks awful…no thanks.
Chaddymac: I chose the same movie for both questions: I cannot wait to see The Expendables. An action move with damn near every big action star in it, how could you not want to see it. However, due to the huge amount of stars, it might just be a cameo movie sloppily put together and will most likely suck. Since Stallone wrote it, I still have high hopes.
Whatever you go see, it promises to be another fun season at the movies, so get out there, see some films, and drop us a note on Facebook letting us know how it went. And why should you do that?
Because normally this is where we ask the next Confessional question. And as for right now, there is no next Confessional question. We have more questions to ask, but lack the time available to handle your responses. From now on, you and your friends will have to ask each other inane questions to unburden your soul (or tell a real priest what 3 famous people you’d bring to a desert island – he’ll love that, he’s not busy or anything).
And sadly it’s not just the Confessional that’s closing up shop.
CJS is going on indefinite hiatus starting next Monday. We’re not closing up permanently, but considering we didn’t build this site into a multimillion dollar empire like we’d hoped, after two years and nearly two months of daily weekday updates, we can’t hold off the relentless castle storming of real life obligations.
We’ll have three more entries into the Underrated Movie series this week, a final (for now) Happy Friday, and then you’ll have to rely only on the vast connections of intertubes to keep you entertained each day. We’ll explain more on Friday, but we hope you understand.
Enjoy the week, and we’ll talk Friday.
Hart & Dagger
10 May 2010 CJS Staff