One of the favorite all time jokes of CJS is Lewis Black’s “If it weren’t for my horse…” joke. The gist of the joke is that Lewis is sitting in the International House of Pancakes when a young woman of 25 says the single dumbest thing he’s ever heard. She says, “If it weren’t for my horse… I wouldn’t have spent that year in college,” a statement so disarmingly stupid, they eventually find Lew dead in his bathroom deceased from apparently attempting to unpack a sentence that idiotically vexing and keeling over from the frustration.
With that as your context, I submit the following…
I stood on the corner waiting for the light to change last night walking from my office to my car – a charming jaunt of three blocks filled with assorted weirdos, yardbirds, and carnival freaks that never ceases to frighten me for the state of our society. As the light changed and I embarked into the crosswalk, a young man behind me said the following to the red-haired gentleman approaching us, “Dude, can I buy a couple smokes off you?” I found this particularly amusing because, really? buying a couple loosies off some stranger in the street, and moreso because there was a 7-11 less than a block from us in the very direction we were both walking. The cherry on top of the question was that I recognized the guy getting solicited for smokes as a clerk at said convenience store. I assumed he would inform the requester of this convenience store, where entire packs of cigarettes are readily available for purchase, and everything would work itself out naturally.
As we approach the 7-11 I realize the guy is still a few paces behind me. Outside the storefront is a random group of ne’er-do-wells. As we come upon them, the gentleman approaches the group and repeats his query, “Dude, can I buy a couple smokes off you?” But you… the first guy… 7-11… right there… I… huh?
I turned to look at him, completely dumbfounded. There had to be a reasonable explanation here.
Was he 17? Nope.
Was he a bum? Nope – standard dorky office attire of Dockers and a horrible looking Polo shirt.
Was he crazy? Nope – his clothes reasonably matched and his hair was combed.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS GUY’S LOGIC FOR WANTING TO BUY CIGARETTES FROM STRANGERS WHEN HE’S LESS THAN FIVE FUCKING FEET FROM THE 7-11?
I spent the remainder of my walk trying to figure it out. Then my drive home. Then an hour at the gym. Then two more hours at home. This idiot had laid an insanity egg in my brain and now my cortex was crawling with crazy spiders that I couldn’t take out with a can of Sanity Raid.
Ok, maybe he didn’t have enough cash to buy a whole pack. So what he didn’t have a credit card? Who doesn’t have a credit card in 2010? You saw how he was dressed. You’re telling me that guy doesn’t have one fucking credit card to buy $6 worth of cigarettes? Ok, maybe he told his girlfriend he quit smoking and she’s a controlling harpy that monitors his statements. Seriously? Ok, maybe he hates the government and is trying to skirt the entire retail-industrial complex… and fuck, fuck, and FUCK!
Why the hell would anyone buy cigarettes, brand unknown (they could be god-awful menthol for all he knows) at approximately 80 billion% markup from some halfwit on the street when he could buy 20 for a fraction of the cost less than five feet away??? I MUST FIGURE IT OUT!!!
But I haven’t, so fuck it.
Anyway, what’s the point here?
The point is Cru Jones Society is back.
Yep, we’re coming back to update on at least a semi-regular basis. You won’t be getting daily articles out of us (at least, not yet), but we’ll be here at least once a week giving you the same goodness you know and love.
And this is the goofy, haphazard way we’re returning. Thanks for being here, and we’ll chat again soon. We missed you.
P.S. I never found my VHS copy of RAD, but CJS Regular Brad came through hardcore on my birthday and hooked up a bootleg DVD copy for me. Booya! And I’ve watched it 7 times in 3 weeks.
P.P.S. We’ll have a real update as to what we’ve been up to Friday along with some standard Happy Friday tomfoolery.
22 Sep 2010 E Dagger