Happy fuckin’ Friday, motherfuckers!

We mean that with as much affection and sincerity as you can possibly handle. It felt really, really good to log back in here and build an article. We missed this place, and since we’ve been gone since the middle of May, we have to get that weird musty smell out of the comments section where random vagrants showed up like this weirdo who bitched about Hart’s criticism of Big Head Todd, and this dickhead who dropped in from nowhere to make a snarky comment about my Jeep Wrangler article from 16 months ago.

Get outta here, you bums! The kings are back and we’re here to close out your week right, just like we did for the last time over 5 months ago. Inside this edition is an explanation for where we’ve been, the stuff we’ve written that you probably haven’t seen, where we’re going, and all the funky fresh goofiness from all across the interwebs just like you saw every Friday for 94 editions. So like we said…

Happy fuckin’ Friday, motherfuckers!

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So what’s been up, you whiny bitches?

Dagger: For those of you with crazy weird devotion to the site, you may remember Happy Friday #87 where I wrote this: “But it’s been a strange week for yours truly. Today is my last day at my current job. I begin next week at a brand new company in a new industry doing something substantially different than I’ve done before. More money? A bit. Better opportunity? Absolutely. I can’t pass this up, and I’m definitely excited about what stand [sic] in front of me. Since you all likely know how pants pissingly anxious I get about change, you’ll also know that I’ve been agonizing over this change for weeks as well.”

Without getting into things too deeply (and attempting to remain diplomatic), let’s just say this job didn’t exactly pan out the way I envisioned it in March as I wrote above. I returned to the old job in a slightly different capacity and am currently going through the process of getting on at another place. In the spirit of last March’s post, here’s how I feel about the new opportunity: I’m looking to get hired by one of my current clients full time in an industry I know really well doing basically what I excel at now. More money? Shit yeah. Better opportunity? Absolutely. Hey, it’s work, and after seeing what other jobs and industries are like, I’m definitely more comfortable playing the safe hand this time.

Aside from that, I’ve just enjoyed married life. Lady E got my undivided attention this entire summer for the first time in a long time. We took a road trip to Kansas that was way more fun than it had any right to be. We spent an inordinate amount of time on our patio drinking and listening to tunes.CJS Regular Tron got married. I helped plan his bachelor party. I’ve been working less hours at the real job. From a personal standpoint, the hiatus has been total aces.

Hart: I didn’t do anything nearly as exciting as starting a new job only to find out it wasn’t my cup of tea and returning to my old, I just stayed with my old crappy one, but I did have a fairly productive hiatus. For the most part it was spent in long discussions of cultural differences best summed up by this.

But in all seriousness, I was devoted almost entirely to working on my bachelor’s degree. Going to college right after high school suddenly makes a lot more sense than waiting until you have a 9 to 5 to deal with as well. If I didn’t ride the bus to and from work I’m not sure when I would get some sleep. But 14 more months and I’ll have a BA in psychology which I can fully waste by writing about pop-culture bullshit on the internet. Ah the American dream.

And because I am some kind of sadist, I thought I would try to fill my precious little remaining time by trying to date. Again another thing I realize is best done when not trying to work and get an education. I have perhaps gone on more first dates this past summer than I have in the rest of my life combined. There have been some decent ones and several bad ones. I’m sure there will be more on this later letting you know just how easy it can be to turn into a social retard (it happened at Usain Bolt speed). The hiatus has kept me from crossing the line between fairly insane to batshit nuts. So I call that a success.

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Ok, but have you written anything?

We didn’t want to say this at the time we went on hiatus, but man, we were burned the fuck out. We still loved to write, but with the real life beatdown we were getting served by the jackboot of real life, writing became a burden. Writing CJS should never be a burden. So we took a break, but after a month or so, we strapped on our goggles and leather helmet and jumped back aboard the writing flying machine (or something that’s less of a labored metaphor).

We’ll have a lot more on this later, but our first major project was joining up with our buddy Brad from Nebulus Visions to write the script for a team in the 48 Hour Film Project. Some sadist decided to create a contest where teams try to write, shoot, and edit a 4-7 minute film in 48 hours. Also, you have to incorporate a specific line of dialogue, a prop, and a character in a genre film drawn completely at random. Naturally, we drew fucking foreign film (yes, our first instinct was to a Terence & Philip sequel) and absolutely sweat blood to churn anything halfway decent. Whether or not we even succeeded is probably debatable. Anyway, like we said, more on that later.

Hart has written much since going on the hiatus, mostly academic papers filled with facts and thoughts and devoid of comedy (mostly). He was able to slip a picture of Hedonismbot into a power point presentation for one class. But on the whole he has written things that probably would not be of interest to our friends here at CJS. But if you are interested go ahead and email him. We’re sure he’d be more than happy to reply to you with a snarky email.

Dagger drove by a storage facility too many times and created a series of fake ads with Brad from Nebulus Visions. Check them out at the Nebulus Visions Vimeo site right here:

Extra Space Storage – Comets

Extra Space Storage – Tornado

Extra Space Storage – Celebrity

These are delightfully weird, and if you check out the Celebrity one, don’t miss the cameo from Buttfor. There will be more of these, and yes, you’ll know when they go up. We’re not subtle around here.

Finally, thanks to a hookup from graduate school, Dagger’s also the new Premium Cable Examiner at, ahem, Examiner.com. We apologize in advance for flooding the CJS Facebook page with links to new episode recaps of Boardwalk Empire, Bored To Death, and Eastbound and Down. Dagger will give you a big ol’ sloppy kiss if you subscribe to his feed or click on his articles because this is a paying gig. And that $0.38 he’s made so far don’t lie. Big pimpin’ NYC! Check out his page here where the headshot he sent in somehow makes him look like King Douche of the Universe. Fully framed, it’s an excellent picture. Cropped like that – douchimus maximus.

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What’s On Tap?

Helping you waste your company’s money by reading the inane bullshit we crank out whenever we do it. We’ve set a tentative schedule of twice a week updates for at least the first month. It’s not every day, but it’s better than nothing, amiright?

Additionally, we’ve got a number of projects in the hopper with Brad and the crew at Nebulus Visions for some additional videos. We’re polishing up a time travel short film that promises to be real fucked up. We’ve got more goofy Extra Space videos. A sketch based on the comedic spin on the film What’s Love Got To Do With It? Yes, a comedic spin on that hideously uncomfortable and well done film. Lots more beyond that.

And finally, as we’ve been during the hiatus, we’ll still be active on Twitter and Facebook. Since proper Happy Fridays will likely be few and far between, become a fan of our Facebook page because we promise we’ll only use it to point you to cool shit around the web, Friday style all week. Invite your friends and help us get the word out. The more fans we get, the more social guilt (and therefore pressure) we’ll feel to update more frequently. Peer pressure rules! Help us spread the word. We’ll be eternally grateful.

Alright, enough of that shit. It’s Friday, so here’s the dope shizzle we’ve been reading this week.

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It’s Friday, Yo

We started our morning on Thursday like any other. Arrive at the office promptly at 8:00 a.m. Take a bracing shot of gin (or Metamucil, depending on the day), settle into the office chair, and read the internet until lunch or until an annoying co-worker barges in demanding “status updates” on that “client project” of yours that you “haven’t made any progress on” because you were “trying to better your stats on Sporcle.”

But this Thursday was different because the inimitable Redhead posted the following link on her Facebook page: “I have read your website and it is obviously that you are a foggot.”  When I (this is Dagger) wrote about wrestling on the internet (as part of the Internet Wrestling Community, or IWC, as it were – yes, it was called that, and yes, it was as dumb as it sounds), I dealt with trolls like the guy linked above all the time. I’d make gay jokes about Jeff Hardy  and people would write in all angry for my saying he “sucked cock like there was a hundred bucks buried deep inside each sailor’s penis that could only be extracted via throbbing explosion of man yolk” I’d watch the hate mail roll in. Then I’d bathe in it.

If you have half a brain, it’s easy enough to get the better of these dim bulbs, but to bait them and watch them flail about in anger like a defiant fish who refuses to die on the deck of pontoon boat is a thing of beauty. And David Thorne has created that thing of beauty on his blog 27b/6. Click it and watch some hate-filled redneck clown make an ass out of himself. Your Friday will get undeniably brighter.

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When we were in Jr. high and high school we got yelled at if our skateboards ever touched any school property other than our lockers, at least that is how it was for Hart, Dagger was is a fruit booter and those kids weren’t viewed as degenerates like the skateboarders. Well those days appear to be long gone as skateboarding is now being offered in gym classes throughout the country. As radical as this class sounds, we are content with the tennis/volleyball/bowling class we took in the ninth grade. May also explain why we’re writing instead of collecting fat athlete dough, not like the dough from a fat athlete, but like mad ducats. And not like ducats that are angry, dammit this writing stuff is hard.

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Paris Hilton was denied access to Japan, which surprises no one. Meanwhile Katy Perry was booted from Sesame Street. Apparently the top she was wearing while singing a song with Elmo was cut too low and some parents got a little upset. And since it is Sesame Street they decided not to make a South Park type issue about it and just not air it. We can’t fault them for that, their priority is enjoyable education, we will fault them for not having the hindsight to realize Katy Perry’s top would be an issue. But mostly we are going to fault the uptight parents. This is a show geared toward preschoolers, non-sexual beings. They’re not going to realize what’s going on there and take to the place anyone of us would have. Besides she’s sharing the screen with Elmo. A six year doesn’t care about anything else on the screen when Elmo is on there. It’s like Dagger when Rad is on. Point being people need to calm the hell down. It was a little cleavage, not Back Door Sluts 9.

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And what would a Happy Friday be without some team sports links? If you said, “a better column,” then shut up. Football season is well underway and we enjoyed this brief piece about some of the lesser known rules in the rule book. While not necessarily a rule, always remember: laces out!

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What was the best show on NBC’s Thursday nights? The Office? Only if it’s 2005. 30 Rock? Only if it’s 2008. Community? Only if Parks & Recreation’s not on. Parks & Recreation? Only if, wait, no, yes, that’s the best show. Parks & Recreation became funnier than all of them last year. This is a fact, and you cannot prove it wrong.

Two of the guys writing it, Ken Tremendous and Junior (totally their real names) started not long ago on a little site called FireJoeMorgan.com where they took awful sports columnists to task for lazy, trite, or otherwise miserable articles. As you’d imagine, Bill Plaschke and Woody Paige showed up often.

Anyway, with Parks & Recreation only showing up as a midseason replacement, our two boys showed up with old cohort Dak to take over Deadspin for a day and remind us all of why we miss them so much. We’d link to every article (like this Mitch Albom one that is beyond the pale and is positively skinned alive by Mr. Tremendous), but that only cheapens the entire experience.

Instead, here’s entry #5,438 into the David Eckstein – What a Scrappy, Heart-of-a-champion-gee-whiz-they-don’t-make-em-like-this-anymore, Dirty Uniformed, Little Engine That Could piece  that makes me gag with the power of a thousand ipecacs. I hate David Eckstein. So you can imagine my glee when I read this opening paragraph:

Padres’ David Eckstein has made ‘little’ go a long way

Ahhhhhhh. Just seeing that headline brings back so many memories of nights just like this one where, instead of going to sleep or fixing something in my house that needs fixing or reading one of the great masterworks of Western literature, I stayed up until two in the morning and worked myself into a lather over how much people overrate David Eckstein.

There’s also a gag featuring David Eckstein wearing a diaper running through sprinklers. Happy Friday, indeed!

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As we have mentioned we used this hiatus to test our foray into writing movies. We can only hope one day we write something that is made into a film worth being reviewed by the great Roger Ebert. And if we get our words to the right director, then just maybe we can end up on this list. But as long as we can stay off this list, we would be happy. In fact if we can stay off any list that includes North we will consider ourselves successful.

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We hope you have something cool planned for this weekend. If not, then get thee to someone’s house with HBO to catch the premiere of the second season of Eastbound and Down – make sure to stay up to date with all the recaps right here at Examiner.com!).

This was easily one of the funniest shows of 2009, and, thinking about it, possibly ever. We named it one of 6 TV Comedies for the Next Decade and for good reason. Kenny Powers is deluded, creatively profane, mulleted, overbearing, and pants pissingly hilarious. There’s not a show like this anywhere else.

And if you love learning more about the shit you love, then check out this outstanding interview at the AV Club with Kenny’s creator, Danny McBride. If that isn’t enough to pique your interest, then how ‘bout this from the mouth of Danny McBride himself: “There’s more AIDS jokes this year.” And if that don’t send the clicks through the roof, nothing will.

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And now for the part you have all really been waiting for, the demotivator.

It’s great to be back everyone!

Hart & Dagger