We’re back in the Love Lounge (a week late, admittedly) and it’s time for more chauvinism from our old friend Charlie Anderson of our favorite festering pile of awful advice and even worse advice, AskMen.com. Last week Charlie dropped some knowledge (read: stinky, obtuse, ill-reasoned diarrhea fart of an article) on us about 10 ways women have brainwashed men.

As it turns out, that article was an answer to his previous offering of 10 ways men have brainwashed women, which, if I know how the internet works, probably earned Charlie some well-deserved scorn for his unprovoked, context-less blast of misogyny from a phallic shaped fire hose resulting in his need to offer a compensatory article in order not to look like a complete sexist ape. So let’s visit the source material. You know how the Love Lounge works. Take it away, douche bag…

Top 10: Ways Men Have Brainwashed Women by Charlie Anderson

Throwing thongs on stage, hooking their bra onto the ceiling of a bar, kissing other girls on a dance floor; if women considered why they do the things they do, they may be surprised to find out they’re not the masterminds behind all their actions.

If any of us stopped to think about most of the things we do, I think we’d all be surprised we’re not the masterminds behind all of our actions. Decades upon decades of social engineering at the hands of popular culture, the powers-that-be, and that pack of shitheads we call our friends has warped our motivations beyond what we can even conceive… but, I digress. Women, puppets, etc. By all means, go on.

In reality, men have pulled their strings for ages by encouraging behavior, fashion or attitudes that largely serve male interests alone.

There it is. Let’s remember context here. Male author, website directed entirely at men, claims of female inferiority. If he claims women have smaller brains in here, I’m going to lose it. I can’t imagine why this didn’t go over like a V-Day celebration…

To celebrate this, we’ve put together a list of the top 10 ways men have brainwashed women. From women enduring discomfort to look good in our eyes to taking on child duties, we’ve covered them all.

And the world awaits the breathtaking results of this groundbreaking research in next month’s edition of “Bros Icing Bros Monthly: A Scientific Guide to Douchebaggery.”

Ready to see how you’ve hypnotized the female gender? Here are the top 10 ways men have brainwashed women.

The world has never been more ready for anything in its existence. Not for Allied Victory in WWII, not for Neil Armstrong’s first words after landing on the moon, not for the fall of Communism in 1989, not for Jimmy Fallon’s “Saved by the Bell” reunion on Late Night. Nothing.

No.10 – Pole dancing as empowerment

OK ladies, you’ve done Pilates, tried yoga, got your 30-minute abs, and done your NordicTrack. But now, after years of hiding in smoke-filled rooms performing for men in desperate areas of town, comes the exercise you can reclaim for your suburban living room: pole dancing. Thanks to earlier movies written by us men (Striptease and Showgirls) that positioned stripping as an act of female empowerment, Carmen Electra has taken up the cause for pole dancing with her own home kits. Now women can pole dance to get fit and commune with their female power while we get something to watch for free between our sports programs.

Nice job giving claiming credit for the “group effort” of putting both Striptease and Showgirls into the public consciousness and positing stripping as female empowerment. I know that when I watch Showgirls I think of what a self-determining bastion of confidence Nomi Malone is and how women everywhere should aspire to be her. Any film written by a misogynistic fool like Joe Eszterhas that features female characters unironically and non-metaphorically discussing eating dog food is clearly a clever ruse used to trick female simpletons into feeling empowered and are not merely the idiotic scribblings of a washed-up hack douchebag. Although if Charlie wants to take credit for ruining what was reported to be a pretty damn funny screwball comedy in the original draft of Striptease that saw more screen time for Robert Patrick’s hilarious wheelchair stealing wingnut, I’ll happily blame this idiot.

All of the above is simply to avoid pointing out the obvious that Charlie understands nothing of post-feminism and that stripping actually exploits men and not women. That, and from what I understand, pole dancing burns crazy calories, yo.

No.9 – SUVs as family cars

“No, honey, not that Aerostar;” “This Land Rover’s much, much safer;” “Plus it can get us out of a jam with four-wheel drive;” “Just think: It could get a truck full of screaming kids home that much faster.” Women have heard it all. And yet, even though SUVs drain the environment and women’s wallets of $200 of gas a week, women have been brainwashed to think of them as useful, spacious vehicles even though they only have a little more space than most cars on the market. However, women still sign on the dotted line — which, in the end, helps us men look better behind the wheel.  

Let’s see if I understand this train of logic. Despite costing more money, damaging the environment, and lacking the necessary utility needed for shuttling a child all over town, men have tricked women into buying SUVs for the sole purpose of looking better when he borrows his wife’s car because evidently minivans are woefully uncool. If a father’s primary concern is his own vanity above his financial comfort, his practicality, and his ability to minimize headaches while parenting, who is the one who’s brainwashed here? I’d like to say this is the most staggeringly retarded argument in here, but it’s early yet, and I don’t want to blow my wad.

No.8 – The “lesbian phase”

Katy Perry does it and confessed to it in a hit song. Angelina Jolie had a fling. Alanis Morrissette even admitted to it. The “lesbian phase” has become a rite of passage for girls on their way to become women. While women get to perceive themselves as enlightened and daring for their girl-on-girl kisses in bars, at football games on TV or to sell records, we get to sit back and enjoy the show.

Rather than go off on a half-cooked, long-winded diatribe about heteronormativity in cultural ritual like I want to, let’s just say that if women have leveraged relaxed societal attitudes re: homophobia into free drinks at the local Aeropostale adorned watering hole, then good for them. Again, women have exploited a weakness in the male psyche to their advantage. Truly this article is on par with the Plato’s “Phaedrus” for properly demonstrating how best to construct an argument and should be held in proper cultural esteem from this point so far. Dynamite job so far, Chuck!

No.7 – Day cares in offices

With career wives competing with their husbands for jobs in business, it can seem impossible to raise kids without a nanny. Then a modern invention arrived to solve the problem: office day cares. With these handy locales women bring their kids with them, work during the day and have a presence in their kids’ day-to-day lives at the same time. The brainwash is that the day cares appear as a great privilege — you can be a modern woman and a mom all in one shot. Yet, in reality it can mean juggling more responsibilities throughout the day and working harder to manage a schedule that’s almost impossible to keep up. In short, more work for the ladies and a lot less for us.

This is some profoundly mean-spirited shit, right here. Day cares in offices can be considered a triumph in modern living given the unprecedented economic turmoil and uncertainty we face resulting in the necessity of dual incomes, but ol’ Charlie treats it as yet another chance to shunt the parental responsibilities onto his wife who seems to be playing little more than the role of au pair in this article. The above paragraph is so sickening I don’t even have a joke for it. Thanks a bunch, Charlie. You fucking twat. You’re ruining my article.

No.6 – Colored KitchenAid appliances

Just like Tom Sawyer convinced others that painting a fence was fun, we’ve convinced our wives/girlfriends that baking and mixing ingredients for serious dishes is a trendy pastime. Take an industrial kitchen appliance designed for restaurants, splash a coat of bright paint on it and, instantly, you can look forward to a future of fresh food. Care for daily fresh muffins, biscotti with your coffee, fresh bread, and even cheesecake? Consider the pink model, she’ll be dying to use that one all the time. Bon appétit.

What would be positively adorable about this article were it not so nauseatingly appalling is Charlie’s simplistic view of male/female relationships. In numbers 9, 7, and 6, Charlie basically perceives having a serious relationship as akin to buying someone off the Amistad. Shuttle the kids about town! Go to work and take care of Jr! Fix me some homemade cheesecake! You are my wife, and I have trained you! All it took was this frothy shade of sea foam on the mixing machine to make you my EZ Bake Wife! Women are so stupid! It’s great to be a man! Mwahahaha!

No.5 – Fake breasts

One of the more obvious ways that men have brainwashed women is by convincing them that increasing their breast size is good for them. Thanks to tons of celebrities parading their balloon-size chests on the red carpet, a nation of strippers competing for DDs, and Hooters embracing them, fake boobs are entrenched in modern culture. For every woman who says “I’m doing it for my own self-esteem, to be everything I can be,” we applaud your decision — however you want to think about it.

I can only speak personally here, but I’m generally not a plastic surgery guy. I like the so-called flaws and the perceived imperfections, but I understand how insecurities can drive someone to want to make a change. I understand wanting a smaller nose or a skinnier neck.  I don’t think it’s weird to want bigger tits or a flatter stomach or a smaller ass. I don’t think it’s weird (at least as un-weird as it possibly can be to inject a syringe full of botulism into your face) to want to rid yourself of wrinkles. I think all these things make us unique, and show that we live our lives, but I don’t begrudge anyone who wants to make themselves feel a little better. Ultimately they have to live with the consequences of however they look afterward.

My point is, I think Charlie likes big knockers and wants to absolve his guilt for that feeling while still taking psychic credit for a woman’s decision to implant herself. Whatever.

No.4 – Makeup

Maybe some of your moms flirted with the au naturel look in the ’60s, but like other women who discovered that creams and colors could hide their age, they chased after the fountain of youth and beauty by stockpiling makeup like every other woman. The downside is that some women leave the house looking like they’re going to an audition for the circus. However, others apply their expertise to cover signs of stress and age with minimal supplies. The bottom line is that women do the work, while we reap the benefits.

If I thought Charlie were smart enough, I’d suspect that when he makes argument after argument about women “doing the work” while we “reap the benefits” he’s making a futile declaration asserting the dominance of our patriarchal culture that is gradually eroding further by the day and symbolizes a last gasp at the frustrating disappearance of the ubiquity of sexist power.

But I don’t, so essentially this argument boils down to: Women make pretty – Charlie make happy. Hee HAWR!!!

No.3 – The Brazilian wax

How much have we brainwashed women to remove all their hair downstairs? Enough that even Brazilians refuse to get the full version of their self-named treatment because it’s so painful. On top of that, afterward it’s sensitive to the touch. Yet women return again and again to scream, wince and tear up to be bald down under. Some are even convinced it’s more hygienic. And why should we deny them such a good thing?

This paragraph only applies if you’re getting Brazilian waxes done at the same place where they remove rust from your patio furniture or where every day is “take your kid to work” day. Waxing, from what I’ve heard, isn’t that painful if done correctly. Also, if you’re not up on your sexual trends (lord knows I am), pubes are making a comeback (look at Sasha Grey who rocks ‘em proudly) because they’re loaded with pheromones and people miss that. That’s why cunnilingus is on the rise – men dive in to get a primordial heap of delicious pheromones because their traditional housing has been clear cut like a 1970s Oregon forest.

No.2 – The pill as women’s liberation

The pill can be seen as a major ally in females’ lives. By taking the pill women can immediately take more control of their lives. Don’t want to have kids just yet? No problem, just pop the pill. Want to have sex but don’t want to produce anything more than an orgasm? Take a pill. Sounds good, right? However, if you take a closer look, guess who really reaps the rewards? No condom — sweet. No withdrawal method — even better. No side effects of nausea and increased chance of heart attacks, stroke and blood clots if you smoke — great. And all we have to do is show up? Awesome.

This is the first quasi-decently reasoned point in this insipid piece and it’s only because Charlie gives a nod to women finally being in control of their birth control methods while acknowledging the pill has undeniable drawbacks (i.e. health side effects). But again, he boils his point down to knuckle dragging claptrap. No rubbers, dawg! Booya! Men win again, fool! This man is a chimp.

No.1 – The supermom

Sure, women find accomplishment in their careers, but kids need their moms. That’s why it’s not enough for a woman to be great in the office, now she must also excel at home. Bake sale coming up at school? Mom will take care of it. Swimming and soccer? Mom will time it to watch equal amounts of both. Hungry? Mom will make fresh multigrain pasta with vegetables from the garden as a special dinner before she eats a different meal with daddy. And where is daddy? Why he’s reading the paper on the couch, of course. He had a hard day.

Alright, just close your eyes and picture that scene of daddy sitting on the couch after a hard day’s work reading – are you fucking kidding me? – THE PAPER, while mom scrambles all about to take care of the kids, prepping for a goddamn bake sale, and maintaining the house feeding them a healthy meal from her very own garden. What year is this scene taking place? Like, 1955, right?

This article doesn’t even exist in reality and has spun off into some bizarro hybrid episode of “Leave It To Beaver” and “Ally McBeal.” If he had replaced sitting on couch reading the paper with updating his fantasy sports team or playing Halo or some shit, the author might have at least made a half-assed attempt to exist in a real universe. As it stands, it’s clear we’re never going to progress past outdated clichés and inaccurate banalities, which means it’s time to wrap up our session in the Love Lounge.

Charlie Anderson, eat a bag of hell. You dopey skidmark on the shitty underwear stain of the Internet known as AskMen.com.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com