Getting a cold is generally awful. Your nose runs, you ache all over, and you spend the better part of two weeks hacking up all the colors of the disgusting rainbow. We all know this. But like anything else, it isn’t all bad. There are things about getting sick, that in their own weird way, sort of rule.
I bring this up because I feel half shitty trending down. This couldn’t possibly come at a worse time as I’m busier than a whore’s ass on nickel night, so to say that I’m throwing everything I have at this cold is an understatement. Emergen-C! Zicam! Crazy herbal shit! Whiskey! If you have a crazy cold remedy, toss it my way.
But life is life, so if I get sick, I’ll just have to buck up and deal. And if that happens, well, here are the five things I’m looking forward to about it.
1. Sleep, glorious sleep!
Usually one of the main reasons you get sick is because you’ve pushed your body too far, and your body reacts with a big old rejection spasm and tosses some bottled up ickiness it has stored somewhere in that bag of meat you call a body to get your monkey ass to slow down. Low grades of influenza and rhinovirus are likely kept in your body’s “Break open in case of emergency” case for when you decide to pretend you’re not a lazy asshole and take on way more projects than you ideally should.
In this case, it’s a total blessing in disguise because while part of you feels like you fell out of a dog’s ass, the other part of you is just happy to sleep 16 hours a day for a change. It’s fucking great when you wake up and think, “Oh, that was nice. Let’s do it again. Ok!” And then bam! Zzzzzzzzzz.
You take a short break from the rat race and get to live like Senor Limon did through most of college with a sleep schedule almost too bizarre for words. It’s like going to Senor Limon Fantasy Camp for free. Although you have to pay to find out what it’s like to drive a Mini. Just don’t annoy him about it. Or do, I don’t care.
2. The retarded majesty of daytime television and your DVD collection
Were it not for a suddenly and disorientingly skinny Drew Carey performing game show holocaust every morning as the worst possible host of “The Price Is Right” (and even having said that, the show is still damn enjoyable), this show alone is almost reason enough to stay home from work or school. This was always the best part of staying home sick as a kid.
Daytime television is so intoxicating because it’s always such uncharted territory. It looks so fucking foreign because your boring ass is always at work pretending to answer emails while secretly you’re reading the AV Club or Deadspin or some shit. “What is this? Another court show? How many of these things are there? And when the fuck did Steve Harvey become the host of Family Feud? What planet am I on?”
And once you get done gawking all the horrifying dreck polluting the airwaves, then it’s on to your stupid collection of DVDs. I usually watch Just One of the Guys at some point during a sick binge as the combination of screwball 80s comedy and hearty smattering of tits is just the right tonic to make a weary, sleepy, somewhat achy E Dagger feel just that much better.
3. Crazy ass food cravings
When you get a cold, naturally you can’t smell or taste a goddamn thing. So basically, you’re like my grandmother. I don’t think she’s seriously tasted anything in like 20 years. I once saw her cut into a lemon wedge and eat it with a fork like it was a goddamn piece of cantaloupe and call it “refreshing.” I watched her eat green chile that made my dad sweat through his shirt without batting an eyelash. I watched her drink a can of Miller Lite at 88 years old which has nothing to do with anything, I just thought it was awesome.
Anyway, when you’re sick, since all you taste is your own snot and everything you ingest tastes like it has an inch of dust on it, eating starts to suck balls. Then out of nowhere like a left hook to the face, you’ll think of something you want to eat and all of a sudden, by the power of Valhalla, YOU MUST HAVE IT! And then you eat that, and pretty much only that, for the next two days.
Once when I was a kid, I got a craving for those bugfuck crazy crackers that supposedly taste like chicken. That’s all I wanted, and when my mom came back from the store, by god, I polished off that goofy box in an hour. No food in the history of existence tasted better to my delusional sick ass, and eating something that retardedly weird in such gargantuan quantities definitely has its own unique charm.
4. The exponentially increased awesomeness of taking a shower
Remember that episode of “Seinfeld” where Kramer decides to live in his shower? For a while I had an unhealthy obsession with that episode as I too loved the shower more than a person reasonably should. I viewed that episode not so much as entertainment, but more as a manifesto to pattern my life after. And while I never installed a garbage disposal in my own shower, I did spend an inordinate amount of time considering if I could ever make a shower lifestyle literally work, which is insane.
When you’re sick, showers become on the only refuge where you feel sort of normal. The steam feels great on your sinuses, the water soothes your aching body, and the constant low-level noise distracts you from the fact that your ears are plugged up and you have to have the volume on the TV way up which annoys your wife. And for once, you’re not in there at the buttcrack of dawn before another day of pushing that stupid rock uphill at work.
The shower is so nice, you even become delusional and think you’re getting better. “Wow, I feel loads better. Let’s put some clothes on, and get some shit DONE.” Then you get out, realize your legs are still like Bambi trying to stand up on the ice, and… oh fuck, let’s lay down. Then you’re congested again, then you eat some freaky crackers, catch a few rounds of The Feud, and then it’s back off to sleep. Wake up and repeat. Tremendous.
5. Motherfuckin’ NyQuil!
I am not a recreational drug user. Heavy drinker, sure. But not a recreational drug user. I don’t really enjoy pot, Vicodin and other opiates make me feel like fucking dog vomit, and I’ve never even tried anything else. If it weren’t totally hillbilly and it did something other than make me sleep, I’d be such a recreational NyQuil abuser.
I love this shit. I love feeling its warm embrace wash over me as I lay in bed. I love waking up in the middle of the night hazy like a London hillside and feeling its gentle touch gently lay me back down on the pillow. I love the foggy hangover the next day and your weirdly dry sinuses. I even love the way it tastes, which explains my affinity for Jagermeister.
The thing I love most about getting sick is that I finally have a reason to indulge my NyQuil obsession. In fact, just thinking about it now makes me jonze for it, and as I write this, it’s 7:16 in the a.m.
So here’s five reasons why getting sick ain’t so bad. Whip this out next time your head feels like it’s filled with asbestos and you’ve got rocks in your throat. I hope I’m not there myself, but if I am, my NyQuil binge is just around the corner…
29 Oct 2010 E Dagger