The buttfucking San Francisco Giants are now World Champs, which means that sadly another season of baseball has come to a close. I hate the Giants with the power of 1,000 suns. They were the first team I ever hated because they destroyed the first team I ever really loved – the 1989 Cubs. To this day I hope Will Clark dies in a fire. And they play in the same division as the Rockies. And Bruce Bochy has one of the biggest, freakiest melons on planet earth. So yeah, uhhh, congrats to San Francisco, I guess.
Anyway, as we’ve done before, let’s take a look back at our season predictions and see how we did. Thankfully, we’re not riding alone here as we have all of you to drag down with us. Let’s get started.
Back in March, Hart and I wrote detailed previews for every team that we would probably revisit if we took them seriously at all. But as it stands, we used the previews as a way to hang jokes on various cities, make fun of weird sounding names (like Astros SS Wladimir Sutil and Royals P Roman Colon!), and manufacture a way to write in the style of a homeless weirdo. There wasn’t much baseball talk in there. So we return to the Confessional where we all made fairly real predictions. Let’s start with the three predictions Hart and I made. Hart’s go first.
Prediction #1: The Oakland A’s will simultaneously piss me off and break my heart.
I called Hart to ask him about this and this was his response: “They pissed me off, but then I kind of stopped caring about them.” Hey, apathy! That’s like the seventh stage of fan grief which falls shortly before “Fuck this, I’m going to read more books instead of watching this shit” and directly before “Is there any way we can hire that chick from ‘What Ever Happened To Baby Jane’ to push our coach/GM/owner down the stairs?”
Prediction #2: No matter how well the Cubs do, there will be no shortage of Flickerbock giving shit to Dagger about them.
I’ll go ahead and answer this one. The shit-talking was minimal because there was no need for it since the Cubs opted not to play baseball this year and chose instead to see how many dicks they could suck at once. Answer: A lot. You don’t need to murder a guy who’s going to commit suicide, so any shit talking would have been simply redundant.
Prediction #3: Win or lose, I will enjoy every moment I spend at Coors Field this season.
Hart’s answer: “Yes. This was true.” I asked for a highlight, and the answer was easy: CarGo’s walkoff homerun to complete the cycle against the Cubbies. We went to that game together right after filming wrapped for the 48 Hour Film Project, and it was one of the coolest moments we’ve experienced at a game, ever.
Now let’s take a look at mine:
Prediction #1: Bud Selig will make two important decisions this year. One of them will be brilliant; the other will be reality-warpingly stupid.
Considering I can’t remember anything Bud Selig did this year, we’ll call that a success. If there’s something that actually happened this year pertaining to Bud Selig, feel free to leave it in the comments because I don’t have the time or the energy to Google this fuckface today.
Prediction #2: To my list of players that make me want to stab myself in the eye watching them play for my favorite teams, which includes Antonio Alfonseca, Kyle Farnsworth, Jose Mesa, Darren Holmes, and 2009 Garrett Atkins, I will add Alfonso Soriano this year.
His line this year: .258 AVG, 24 HR, 79 RBI, .818 OPS. Certainly not terribly, but not worth the $460 billion (approximate) they pay him each year. Truth be told, I couldn’t work up a lather for Soriano this year because the Cubs stunk from early on. And they’ll probably stink next year too. So, whatever.
Prediction #3: The country finally comes to its senses and turns on Jon Miller & Joe Morgan collectively realizing what truly horrible announcers they are.
Sadly, this didn’t happen either, but at least Fire Joe Morgan came back for a week. How people can stand to listen to Jon Miller’s constant yammering and Joe Morgan’s arrogant idiocy is beyond me. These two are the absolute worst and I haven’t watched a baseball game on ESPN in over three years solely as a result of them.
Now let’s turn it over to you. One of you was scary accurate in your predictions, while the others were a mixed bag.
Gutter took the Rangers in the AL West (nice job, buddy!), shunned the Twins in the Central just to piss off Flickerbock and went with the White Sox instead (They just missed, 88-64, 6 games behind the Twins), and the Yankees in the East (finished one game behind the Rays). He chose the White Sox to go to the Series, to which we say, ha!
In the National League, Gutter took the Phillies in the East and said he wouldn’t be surprised if the Braves give them “a bit of a scare.” Scary indeed, as the Phillies and Braves battled it out most of the year and ended up 1-2 in the East with the Braves capturing the Wild Card. In the Central, he took the Cardinals (actual finish: 2nd, 5 games out). I think we both enjoyed watching them miss the playoffs this year. And in the West, he took our beloved Rockies who folded like a cheap card table at the end of the season.
He had Rockies over White Sox in 6 games, ending at Coors Field, which means he inadvertently successfully predicted a National League victory in the All Star Game. Not bad! And overall, not bad indeed, sir. You were not the best, though.
Lady E predicted the Rockies in the World Series with 87 games (they won 83), and we all know how that went. She also joked about the Twins having no closer, Ron Washington’s coke problem, and feared the Yankees. It was a fun little paragraph of ball-busting and Rockies cheerleading. Good times.
CassieB made one solemn prediction: “This year, we got the DirecTV baseball package. All baseball, all the time. Therefore, I predict that I am going to spend countless hours watching my husband watch TV. Fantastic.” This almost certainly came true, but I might advise her to stop watching her husband watching television, and actually raise her child. Or at least get the poor guy a beer. </mock chauvinism>
Flickerbock didn’t make any official predictions at CJS, but he did write a post presciently titled “Nostradomas [sic] I Am Not” where he predicted every division winner wrong except for the AL Central, where his rampant homerism paid dividends. He had the Yankees over the Twins in the ALCS, and in another bit of brilliant clairvoyance, he wrote this: “We all know the Twins cannot beat the Yankees, period.”
That’s especially funny considering after the Twins gagged against the Yankees for the 122nd straight year (approximate), Flickerbock wrote this so endearingly and hilariously earnest Open Letter to the Twins that it felt like it was written in 1992. I know how he feels. I am a Cub fan after all. But I still can’t help but laugh at feeling so broken, it inspires an incredibly naked public proclamation. Baseball can be a motherfucker, eh?
Which brings us to Deuce, who should have titled his Confessional response: “Nostradamus I Am, Bitch!” Here are his predictions for the 2010 season:
* The Rangers will NOT have the worst pitching in the American League. – The Rangers actually had the 4th best pitching in the AL with a team ERA of 3.93. Spiffy!
* The Cubs and Dodgers will not make the playoffs. – Correct-a-mundo!
* Jimmy Rollins will miss 40+ games due to injury. – Jimmy Rollins appeared in only 88 games this year. Did you make this bet in Vegas, then put a hit on him, then watch the money roll in? If so… bravo, good sir!
* The Royals will get more wins than the Yankees have losses. – Unbelievable. This is a push, which, in my opinion, is even better than if this was correct. I believe this was intended as humorous commentary on how fucking terrible the Royals are, so to consider this end result is positively hilarious. 67 losses for the Yankees, and wins for the Royals. Unreal.
* Joe Mauer will sign a huge contract to stay with the twins. (I know, but I need to feel good about something) – 8 years, $184 million with a full no-trade clause. Now Minnesotans can shoot baby better all over their stomachs for the better part of a decade over this guy while the rest of us pretend not to know who he is to get under their skin.
* And…..game four of the World Series will end with a score of 6-2. Final score of Game 4: 4-0. They can’t all be winners, and at least Deuce got the correct margin of victory (or defeat, I suppose, because he’s a Rangers fan).
With this season in the books, it’s time to look forward. Only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training, and Hart I will be there to cover all the action for you in sunny Tucs… oh goddammit, that’s right.
Well, fuck it. Regardless, we’ll pick this up in a few months. In the meantime, enjoy football season. Unless you’re a Bronco fan… or a Cowboys fan… or a Vikings fan… or… y’know what, I can’t think of one friend with a team doing well this season. This isn’t working.
Enjoy drinking during the day on Sundays! (Yeah, that’ll work)
Until Spring Training…
02 Nov 2010 E Dagger