It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Inside this article is the definitive list of correct choices for all three of the basic human desires – foodin’, sexin’, and car-in’. It’s time to find out who is the 2010 Food, Sex, or Cars Master! Should you have any problems with these answers, take it up with us in the comments section, but we’ve run these answers through a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists, cryptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Our word is the last word.
Without further ado, here are the 2010 Food Sex or Cars results!
Round 1 (1959 Edition): A full five course dinner at Peter Luger with a bottle of 1959 Chateau Margaux VS Marilyn Monroe (1959 version) VS A 1959 Cadillac Cadster
We’ve gushed about Peter Luger in this space before (in fact, dedicated 900 words to it right here a year and a half ago), and when paired with a 1959 vintage that goes for up to $2,700 per bottle, that’s hard to pass up… Of course, that becomes much easier when your other two choices are a bitchin’ Cadillac and the pre-eminent Hollywood starlet of all-time. So what’s the answer? You’d look amazing riding around in that Cadillac – until something breaks and you have to find expensive and rare replacement parts. It’s not built to handle winter, deteriorating American infrastructure, or present-day driving conditions. And unless you’re Jay Leno, you don’t have the time or energy to give this car the TLC it requires. The car is spectacular, but such a finely crafted automobile serves as an illustration for the reverence with which you should view the idea of sleeping with Marilyn Monroe. The answer is Marilyn Monroe because despite the wheels falling off in 1959, she was coming off making the best comedy movie of all-time (Some Like It Hot), and Tony Curtis said he and Marilyn “fucked their heads off.” Sports radio host Jim Rome thinks they should re-induct Joe DiMaggio to the baseball Hall of Fame just for “bringing the hammer down on Marilyn Monroe.” She’s added to the mythology of President John F. Kennedy. Countless starlets since her have tried to emulate her, and no one has ever succeeded. There is no one with the breathless sexiness of Marilyn Monroe, and a chance to give it to one of the ONLY true icons of sex isn’t to be missed. Besides, as was pointed out, Marilyn Monroe is the only choice on this list that you can’t have today. That’s the clincher.
Correct answer: CassieB, Dzayson, Keithage
Round 2 (Sinful Indulgence Edition): The $25,000 gold sundae from Serendipity in New York VS People Magazine’s 2010 Sexiest Man Alive: Ryan Reynolds VS A fully-loaded 2010 Land Rover
Whereas someone like Marilyn Monroe is an icon, a once-in-a-lifetime star that seems to materialize out of thin air and vanish just as quickly, but not before leaving an indelible mark on society, Ryan Reynolds is simply the latest impossibly handsome, impeccably sculpted piece of man candy joining the brotherhood of “Sexiest Man Alive” – a list, we should add, that includes such illustrious hotties as Mark Harmon and Nick Nolte (no kidding). It would be the ultimate in elitist achievement to say you indulged in a $25,000 sundae, but at the end of the day, it’s still just ice cream with weird edible gold. A fully-loaded Land Rover means a water-tight warranty (Land Rover offers the longest and most-comprehensive of anyone), the latest and greatest in features, and one of the finest service plans available anywhere. The value and versatility of such a vehicle with the umbrella of coverage you receive far surpasses the absurd deliciousness of that sundae, and the unique pleasure in riding Ryan Reynolds’s love pole while grating cheese on his miraculous set of abdominals.
Correct answer: CassieB, Dzayson, Krista!
Round 3 (Throwdown Edition): Buffalo wings with your choice of sauce and beer VS Rosie Perez VS A motorcycle with a sidecar and driver, you’re only allowed to ride in the sidecar
More or less a gift to the CJS faithful. Even though her voice is keenly irritating, Rosie Perez seems like she’d be a totally energetic fuck (see: White Men Can’t Jump), which could be awesome. Likewise, never having to worry about driving ever again would be cool. But then there’s the downside to each: Rosie Perez is shrill and annoying, and riding in a motorcycle sidecar makes you look like a goddamn idiot. There is no downside to enjoying a plate of wings with whatever sauce you desire and a frosty brew. Food takes it here in a walk.
Correct answer: CassieB, Chaddymac, Clayton Richards, Flickerbock, Gutter, Jitterrawks, Keithage, Mrs. Tron, Poppies485, Zach Knaus, Krista!
Round 4 (At The Circus Edition): Your own boogers VS The bearded lady from the circus (not Salma Hayek with a beard) VS A unicycle
The bearded lady pleases no one. If you like chicks, feeling the icky, stringy beard hair while you try to get down would kill a boner in less than a second. If you like dudes, it’s basically just the beard with a bunch of gross lady parts. Switching gears here: Dave Attell has a bit in which he says, “Here’s something you will never, ever hear: As soon as he got off his unicycle, I knew I had to blow him.” You’ll hurt yourself on the unicycle and look like a complete tool while doing so. Unicycles are for choads – dads whose kids hate them and Kimmy Gibbler. By default, the answer is your own boogers. They’re your boogers, you’ll have a couple, and then everyone will move on with their lives. Done.
Correct answer: No One Got This Right!
Round 5 (Palate Cleanser Edition): A fresh garden salad with light dressing on the side VS That moderately attractive chick from work VS A pair of fruit boots
Don’t sleep with someone at work, no matter how drunk you both are at the Christmas party. Doing so will make your day-to-day life at least 65% more uncomfortable until one of you quits or gets fired. And you can use the fruit boots to go get the salad, Nancy. The fruit boots win.
Correct answer: Clayton Richards, Mrs. Tron, Zach Knaus
Round 6 (Kosher Edition): A medium-sized glass of chocolate milk VS Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory VS A row boat
Wolowitz seems like a nice enough guy, but if you sleep with him, you’ll have to deal with his endless and desperate follow-up calls, his mountain of nerdy obsessions, and his dweebish friends. In short: It’d be like sleeping with a CJS staff member. No one wants a row boat. That’s like the stupidest and most exhausting way to travel ever. Chocolate milk on the other hand, well, who’s going to turn down a nice medium-sized glass of chocolate milk? You’d like one right now, wouldn’t you? Yeah, you would.
Correct answer: Chaddymac, Corriander, Deuce, Dzayson, Flickerbock, Gutter, Keithage, Roxy Turtle, Spherx, Zach Knaus, F-U-Natalie, Krista!
Round 7 (Mythical Edition): Popplers VS Helen of Troy VS A teleporter
Choose Helen and you’ve got another Trojan War on your hands. Although it would be difficult to resist her unsurpassed beauty, and while it’s difficult to turn down the idea of banging such a creature of mythological importance, you’ll likely wind up regretting the whole thing when you spend the next 90 years choked with war. The other two choices come down to risk vs. reward. A teleporter would be absolutely righteous, and Popplers, according to “Futurama” are only the most delicious thing in the entire universe. So what wins? Well, in every teleporter story you’ve ever heard, they have not fixed the housefly problem (as noted by Clayton), and every time you use one, you’re basically marking time until you’re a mutant which is followed by painful and gruesome death. In eating Popplers, you’re triggering an intergalactic war with the Omicronians that threatens to destroy earth. However, Popplers win because war is averted simply by sacrificing one ape dressed as Leela to Lrrr, Ruler of Omicron Persei 8. Omicronions are easy to fool. So eat on, friends. No war, and no mutation followed by a painful and horrifying death.
Correct answer: No One Got This Right!
Round 8 (Piss Shivers Edition): A full jar of pickle juice VS Richard Nixon VS Taking the bus for the rest of your life
Dude, taking the bus for the rest of your life is horrible. No one in their right mind would ever choose that. Similarly, Richard Nixon is one of the worst-looking people in history (and possibly one of the most reprehensible), so when Mrs. Tron said “I’m pretty sure that after one romp with him – jowls flapping and peace-sign fingers waving high in the air – sex would be forever ruined for me,” needless to say, she stole our very words. The only one left due to process of elimination and by virtue of being the least worst is the pickle juice. And that would suck. But not worse than the other two.
Correct answer: CassieB, Chaddymac, Corriander, Deuce, Dzayson, Flickerbock, Gutter, Jitterrawks, Mrs. Tron, Poppies485, Spherx, F-U-Natalie, Krista!
Round 9 (Mundane Edition): Mom’s meatloaf VS US Representative Ed Perlmutter VS A Chrysler LeBaron
From everything we’ve heard, and based on the couple times we’ve met him, US Rep. Ed Perlmutter is a great guy. A true stand-up gentleman in what can be a total viper pit. That doesn’t mean he cranks up the humidity in your pants. You like him, but that’s as far as it goes. A LeBaron is a sorry excuse for a convertible, and every time you see one you think “Hey buddy, just get a real convertible.” You can do better. That leaves Mom’s meatloaf, which, while you bitched about eating it as a kid, the older you get, the more you realize just what a totally decent meal that was. It gets better as you get older, which you can’t say for most things.
Correct answer: CassieB, Clayton Richards, Deuce, Flickerbock, Gutter, Keithage, Poppies485, Spherx, F-U-Natalie
Round 10 (Good Morning Edition): Breakfast in bed VS John Krasinski VS A 2002 Acura Integra
Breakfast in bed is nice. The Acura brand is nice. John Krasinski sure seems nice. The answer is John Krasinski because in addition to seeming like a nice guy, he seems like a tender and attentive lover. That sounds the nicest.
Correct answer: Chaddymac, Clayton Richards, Dzayson, Gutter, Jitterrawks, Mrs. Tron, Spherx, F-U-Natalie, Krista!
Round 11 (Fantasy Edition): Chik-Fil-A for life VS A long weekend with the cast of Bring It On and they all want you VS Your own jet pack
The implication on this one (as with all the other food choices) is that Chik-Fil-A for life means “FREE Chik-Fil-A for life,” not that you have to eat it for every meal. Additionally, a long weekend with the cast of Bring It On where they all want you, doesn’t mean you have to sleep with everyone, just that all the options are on the table. Hell, you could get an HJ from Sparky Pulastri if you so desired. Anyway, free Chik-Fil-A would be awesome, but as hard as it is to believe, you would get tired of it eventually, and your friends and shit asking you for free hookups every goddamn day would wear you out and make your choice a burden in the long run. Besides, your lifelong access to it doesn’t make it anymore open on Sundays. That’s out. Jet packs are actually way more trouble than they’re worth as they’re difficult to control, don’t fly for very long, and would probably ultimately get your ass shot down by the Air Force for mistaking you for a UFO. The answer is the cast of Bring It On because in your current state, when will you ever get another crack at a gaggle of hot 18 year-old cheerleaders ever again? The memories of such an experience will last a lifetime.
Correct answer: CassieB, Chaddymac, Flickerbock, Gutter, Keithage, Poppies485
Round 12 (Mixed Blessing Edition): Hungover brunch VS A hot 18 year-old Mormon chick who stays fully clothed but allows you to “let it soak” VS A 2004 Ford F350 Truck
We’re always amused by people who treat their God as a defense attorney who’s more interested in enforcing the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law, re: pre-marital sex and whatever else. Like God’s going to grant you salvation based on a fucking technicality (Well, there was penetration, but no thrusting. That’s not sex. Let us in! – Ridiculous). Ergo, “letting it soak” just isn’t worth it, but it would be a fun thing to justify to your spouse. “Honey, we didn’t actually have sex, I just stuck it in and didn’t move it. Why are you so pissed? It’s not cheating. I can still get to Heaven!” Having a truck that big would allow you haul anything anywhere, which is cool, but it’d be a huge pain in the ass trying to park the fucking thing virtually everywhere except the Home Depot. And you’d end up helping every last one of your good-for-nothing friends move every goddamn weekend. Fuck that. Hungover brunch means you had a kickass evening with friends last night. Awesome.
Correct answer: CassieB, Chaddymac, Corriander, Dzayson, Jitterrawks, Keithage, Mrs. Tron, Krista!
Round 13 (Hellish Edition): One whole ghost chili VS A 1967 3-way with Ike Turner and Joe Jackson VS Flexi Grips – the car Mr. Garrison invented
Dagger came up with that unholy sexual three-way causing Hart to ask him “What the hell is wrong with you?” Yet it was Hart who thought of the Flexi-Grips, and really, that was the only possible vehicle that could match up with that horrifying sexual encounter. And what food could possibly compete with those two? Only the hottest pepper on earth – a pepper used as a chemical weapon in India, and a method for taking down rampaging elephants – of course! We can immediately eliminate the sex with the two awful men because you’d wear the psychological trauma of that liaison forever and likely would never want to have sex ever again. Amazingly, the answer is Flexi Grips. Eating one whole ghost chili would probably kill you and your little bitch mouth. And while Flexi Grips likely couldn’t win any other Food Sex or Cars scenario ever, looking at its competition renders it humiliating, but ultimately least objectionable. Plus, it goes 200 mph, and gets 300 mpg. So that’s something. Amazing. Our favorite scenario ever.
Correct answer: CassieB, Deuce, Jitterrawks, Keithage, Mrs. Tron, Poppies485
Round 14 (Hidden Horrors Edition): Really, really spicy Indian food VS Elvira VS Ace and Gary’s dick-shaped car
Man, how hilarious would it be to drive around in that car? Groin-grabbingly hilarious – for about two hours until everyone from your friends to every Tom Dick and Shithead on the street made the same fucking joke over and over again. You’d hate this car within a day, guaranteed. So that leaves Elvira who’s approximately 800 years old, and the really, really spicy Indian food which smells weird, tastes awesome, and then screws up your digestive cycle for two days. Ultimately Elvira is still freaky and hot and did a bunch of random shit like appear on a Tom Waits album cover. She’s really sassy and surly so she’d probably make fun of your dick size and your amateur technique, but we’d bet the freaky sex that followed would be mind blowing! That beats Indian food that’ll make your tummy kick and scream for two days easily.
Correct answer: CassieB, Chaddy Mac, Clayton Richards, Corriander, Deuce, Dzayson, Flickerbock, Gutter, Jitterrawks, Keithage, Poppies485, Spherx, F-U-Natalie, Krista!
Round 15 (Capstone Edition): Grilled, genuine dinosaur meat VS Your first unrequited love all grown up now, hot, and ready to do you VS Your own pirate ship and private dock
Dinosaur meat is too much of an unknown. Will it be tough? Will it taste good? Will it be gamey? Will it cook evenly? No one knows. And you can’t gamble on that, not when FSC glory is on the line. As far as your first unrequited love – well, some things are best left in the past. Like when they say “Don’t meet your heroes,” some fantasies are best left in your mind. Your first love is bound to be underwhelming no matter who it is. The biggest clincher of choosing the pirate ship is the solved logistical headache we threw you, which is having your own dock. Although thinking about it now, you have a pirate ship, you could have just commandeered your own dock, we guess. Either way, pirate ship is the clear winner here.
Correct answer: Chaddymac, Clayton Richards, Corriander, Flickerbock, Gutter, Jitterrawks, Keithage, Poppies845, Spherx, F-U-Natalie, Krista!
Let’s go the scoreboard!
Thanks for playing, everyone. No prizes for you…
Clayton Richards 5
Mrs. Tron 6
Roxy Turtle 1
Zach Knaus 3
Now let’s see who finished in the money:
In a 3 way tie our runners up, with 8 out of 15 correct:
Congratulations! You win $10 worth of merchandise in our CJS Zazzle store!
And it’s two way tie for the Grand Prize… $25 worth of mechandise in our CJS Zazzle store and his/her very own guest column appearing on the Cru Jones Society very soon. With a score of 9 out of 15 correct… We present to you, the 2010 Food Sex or Cars Grand Champions:
CassieB and Keithage
Congratulations, sir/ma’am. You are the newest Food Sex or Cars Master. You’ve harnessed your keen intelligence, gleaned insight that others would never think to utilize, and probably gotten really fucking lucky on your way to your very own Cru Jones Society guest post and merchandise.
Thanks to everyone who played. We’ll look forward to seeing you back here in 2011 for the 4th Annual Food Sex or Cars competition. Enjoy your Tuesday, and we’ll see you back here next week for your regularly scheduled CJS goodness.
Dagger and Hart
30 Nov 2010 CJS Staff