Two days ‘til Christmas, which means it’s time once again for the Cru Jones Society Bigass Christmas Post. As we did last year (Lee S. Hart’s massive two-part post – Part I is here, Part II is here), and the year before (Dagger’s Bigass Post is here), we’re here to give you all the best, worst, weirdest, and just plain goofiest shit around this Christmas. So come on in for Wookiees, this year’s best Christmas goodies, drunk Irish people calling each other names in song, and the best chance for a breathable atmosphere on Mars.

Happy Christmas, y’all!

Nominee for Best New Christmas Tradition: “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas”

“Community” has turned into the most inventive, rapid fire funny, unexpectedly poignant, and genuinely weird shows on television. Seems like everyone’s year-end list has “Community” in its top 10, and with good reason. The show is without peer in generating more laugh out loud one-liners and genuine moments of earned character poignancy. And it accomplishes all this while still blowing the lid off what a sitcom should look like with episodes as zombie movie tributes, an ode to Goodfellas, and naturally, the stop motion Christmas special.

This episode is not only chock full of great jokes (In a quest to find the true meaning of Christmas, Abed opens a box and finds a “Lost” Season 1 DVD. “What does it mean, Abed?” “It’s a metaphor for lack of payoff.”), it has real heart at its core. I’ll never do the episode justice, so you should really just watch it. But considering you’re probably in a place where that’s impossible, check out Todd VanDerWerff’s wonderful recap here. And if you’re even too lazy to do that, here’s the pertinent pull-quote that makes this episode deserve to be shown every year. “The episode’s… central conceit is so sustained, and its story of a group of friends coming together into their ad hoc family to help out one of their own who’s hurting is so moving that I could have forgiven even more slight missteps.”

And isn’t that the real spirit of Christmas? And if you can mix in that wonderful holiday message with great and hilarious performances and a Christmas pterodactyl, why shouldn’t we see this every year?

Most Ridiculous Secular Christmas Song: What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)

It always amazes us the way in which George Lucas will shamelessly exploit his beloved Star Wars. We’re not just talking the new crap like the recent cartoon series or whatever toys are gracing the store shelves these days, this is something he has been doing since A New Hope became a hit in freaking 1977. In 1980 Christmas in the Star was released and we were given this gem of what we assume are some droids (perhaps aliens, it’s hard to tell) trying to shop for their Star Wars friends. Luke is getting a scarf, Leia some perfume, and Han of course is getting the only thing Han Solo should ever want – ear muffs (?); the real problem lies in finding a gift for their Wookiee companion (apparently he already owns a comb). These weirdo voices go on for some time about why certain things would make for a lousy gift for an 8ft tall hairy alien. With the incredible gifts they found for the rest of cast, I think whatever they pick out will be underwhelming, and not worthy of the time spent singing about it.

Honorable Mention: Monster’s Holiday

The guy responsible for Monster Mash also created the same kind of song for Christmas. It is only slightly more ridiculous than Monster Mash in that we’re expected to believe monsters believe in Santa and are waiting for him to show up. So they can rob him. Santa then shows up and gives the monsters exactly what they want and stop them from robbing the sleigh. WTF, Santa? I thought only the nice people got gifts, not the ones about to jack your ass.

Best Secular Holiday Song (2010): “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” by Blink-182

“It’s Christmas Eve, and I’ve only wrapped two fucking presents. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’ve only wrapped two fucking presents…” So begins this ribald little ditty from Blink-182 in what sums up Dagger’s Christmas season so far perfectly. After a Thanksgiving with the family in Tucson, AZ, quitting his old job, beginning a new one, lamenting the lack of money as a result of the much needed time off in-between, finally getting a paycheck a week before Christmas, conducting all shopping between December 20th and December 23rd, Dagger’s holiday season has been compressed to say the least.

However, unlike this song, in order to talk to you again, he doesn’t demand that your dad suck him off, or that your mom touch his cock. That’s just funny. We’ll get back to you on Labor Day to see if his rabbi eats seven fucking hot dogs and if he shits, shits, shits his pants. (He’s always fuckin’ shittin’ his pants!)Of course, Dagger would need a rabbi. And some hot dogs. But whatever. Happy holidays, you bastard!

Best Unintentionally Total Recall Themed Gift: The Peekaru

This is apparently some kind of fleece or Snuggie thing with a hole in middle of it so you can wear it over your baby carrier and not smother the little runt. Seems like a fine enough product, despite sounding like a Pokémon, but as soon as we saw this picture our only thought was, “Quaid, start the reactor.” So for this product’s desire to put air on Mars, we fully support the Peekaru.

Worst Christmas Gift for Rockies Fans: Cliff Lee to the Phillies

While it’s always fun to see the Yankees fail, whatever joy is to be had in watching them lose out on all the top free agents this year is far outweighed by the dread of facing Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, and Hamels come playoff time. Admittedly, there’s no way all four of those guys stay healthy all year, which is a lie one tells oneself to feel better about one’s own team, but still. There’s no way all four of those guys stay healthy all year.

Anyway, thanks a pantload, Cliff Lee. Please do us a favor and bean Ryan Howard someday during batting practice. He has it coming.

Worst Use of Christmas Red and Green: Whatever They’re Trying on the Invesco Field Perimeter

On the outer edge of the football stadium you can see these large areas of colored lights, like a sheet of color, red then white then green. Upon first seeing it, our initial thought was of the flag of Mexico. Makes us think that perhaps those in charge of lighting and décor at Invesco may have their months and holidays mixed up, or perhaps since they know what is going on they don’t see the other possibilities that come from the color scheme. Or maybe they are just super pro-Mexico. Whatever the case, they are like all those other guys at Invesco this year who don’t seem to be putting in a worthy effort.

Best Use of Christmas Red and Green: the Wrappers on Mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

There are very few candies better than Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and the red and green foiled wrapped ones take us back to Christmas of our youth. There were always candy dishes around the house with these and usually a couple in our stockings Christmas morning and the little things that remind us of childhood Christmas are one of the few things we truly enjoy this time of year.

Most Insufferable Christmas People: Snotty Atheists That Remind You Jesus Was Born in the Spring

We’re not exactly a bastion of holiday cheer around here, nor are we especially religious, but we’re definitely not those smug jagoffs who, with an overbearing stench of self-assigned intellectual superiority, feel the need to tell you several times that based on usual weather patterns and presence of livestock taken from the anecdotal descriptions in the Bible of the events of Jesus’s birth, he was likely born in the Spring, not on December 25th. If you’re super lucky, you’ll get a nice follow-up about how the Romans re-appropriated its Pagan Feast Days to accommodate its new Christian rulers, and that they simply changed the purpose of the December 25th feast to the birth of the lord as a method of survival.

Pretty much everyone knows this now, and if you share this self-aggrandizing bit of intellectual snobbery with someone who happens not to, you’re probably just doing it to ruin their day and sniff your own self-satisfied farts.

If you’re considering telling the “real” story of Christmas, here’s a tip from your pals at CJS: Drink some eggnog, have a gingerbread cookie, and shut the fuck up. No one gives a fuck that you went to college and have the internet. Just take the story of Christmas in the spirit with which it’s intended: Peace on earth and good will towards men. Pointing out historical inconsistencies in this instance doesn’t make you smart, it just makes you unlikable. Enjoy Christmas alone.

Our Favorite Christmas Cookie of 2010: Those Peanut Butter Things with the Hershey Kiss On Top

God, these are good. That is all.

Best Delightful, Yet Melancholy Christmas Song: “Fairy Tale of New York” by The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl.

This year´s for me and you / So happy Christmas / I love you baby / I can see a better time / Where all our dreams come true.

That’s in the first verse. The song starts out very sweet and paints a adoring picture of two people in love with nothing but hope in front of them.  The male and female lead singer trade loving compliments and complete their courtship with a kiss on the corner and a dance all through the night. All things considered, this song is a fairytale.

But this wouldn’t be Irish rock if the song didn’t take a turn. The beat picks up, and that boozy, elegiac tone really kicks into gear as we devolve into name calling.

You´re a bum you´re a punk / You´re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy Christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last.

Yeah! Now that’s good Christmas singing! Dreams don’t always come true, but Christmas comes around every year. And as our Quizmaster Johnny says, “I have found that playing this song in a pub around the holidays will get almost everybody singing along with a boozy fury. Even if they aren’t Irish. Plus, who can’t love the line, ‘Merry Christmas, my arse, I pray god it’s our last.’”

Amen, brother. This song rules.

Worst Opening to a Christmas Song: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

“You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”

It’s not the list of the other reindeer that annoys us, it’s that last line. It specifically refers to him as the most famous reindeer of all. Generally it’s easy to recall the most famous of something. Additionally this is the only reindeer, ever, to have his own song and Christmas special played yearly. So I think it is safe to say we can recall the most famous reindeer of all. On top of that he is the only reindeer with a bright red glowing nose. People tend not to forget a thing like that. This is just poor songwriting.

Worst Christmas Lights Display: Any of These

We enjoy the twinkling of a good Christmas lights display, but there is such thing as overkill. There was a reason it was funny in Christmas Vacation and that is because it was ridiculous. These all have way too much going on and it hurts the eyes to look at. They also seem to lack any creativity and are more about how much shit we can cram onto our property. We happen to prefer creativity and modesty when it comes to light displays. But who knows, maybe it’s nice for the astronauts aboard the Space Station, and we’re sure your electric company loves it.

Best Use of Snowmen: Snowmen Nightmares

Snowmen Nightmares takes the brilliance of Calvin and Hobbes’ snowmen and brings them to life. If you don’t remember or never read Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin was a quasi demented little boy and was never content with the run-of-the-mill snowman and usually had them in positions thought up only by serial killers or people who turn out to be incredible geniuses, which is often a very thin line. However, making real life versions is nowhere near the realm of genius, more like the act of bored people whose work will only yield temporary results. And that’s whatever. Also, making a regular snowman sucks.

Best Version of Christmas to Try: The Southern Hemisphere

Like a bunch of suckers, our Christmas takes place in the dead of winter. Winter is for shitheads. It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s wet, it’s miserable. We wrap ourselves in layer after layer of clothing and body fat just to keep the wintry blast of stinging needles off our precious little skin. We scrape the ice off our cars just so we can drive 15 mph in awful conditions to see people we don’t bother with the rest of the year. Bing Crosby may be wishing for a white Christmas, but I’m wishing for his children to get some revenge on him in the afterlife by beating him senseless both for being a terrible father and for wishing for something that blindingly stupid. A white Christmas means shoveling and a greater chance for death on the highway.

Y’know what I’m wishing for? A summer Christmas. That’s right, Christmas like they do in Australia. Summer is the superior season in pretty much every way possible, so why not combine damn near everyone’s favorite holiday with the best season? The lights, the carols, and the decorations are all still there. What isn’t there is your runny nose, hydrochloride ruining the paint on your car, and nightfall at 4:30 in the goddamn afternoon.

Folks in Australia celebrate Christmas with BBQs, trips to the beach, cold cuts and seafood, and sometimes fireworks. I realize that sounds like July 4th, but have you ever finished July 4th and thought to yourself, “Gee, I’m glad that only comes around once a year.” Of course not. Because that’s insane.

I don’t recommend changing a thing about Christmas except for all the bullshit hassle of the year’s dumbest season. Christmas would be unspeakably awesome that way. And if you don’t believe me, maybe you should ask these kids how those ice cream sandwiches taste in that pleasant-looking weather.

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No matter what you do this holiday, we hope you have a happy and safe season. We’ll be back next week with one more article this year, and then it’s off to 2011.

Happy holidays, you bastards!

Hart & Dagger