You may have noticed it’s been quiet around CJS lately. No, we’re not callously folding up shop again. This time it’s for an actual good reason, and not some stupid “We work too much/I have homework/I want to see my wife/Work is haaaaard” mealy-mouthed bullshit.

No, the reason we haven’t had much time to dedicate to bringing you the funny on a more regular basis is that we’re deep in the pursuit of knowledge. We’ve committed ourselves to a quest for glory complete with sacrifice, perseverance, and lots of mid-week drinking.

That’s right, everyone. We are going to take down Geek Bowl V.

Let’s go back to last April. Wait. Further than that. Sometime in late 2009, Hart, Keithage and a few others regularly played Geeks Who Drink at a bar South of Wash Park. Having an affinity for answering useless questions about even more useless subjects, Lady E and I joined, although we weren’t terribly enthralled with the Quizmaster there, nor the general awkwardness of its location related to our house. We never won there.

So we went online and found one closer to home, and in April started going on a regular basis. Lady E, Brad, and myself were the only ones who came with any regularity, but thanks to getting familiar with the style of questions they asked, our performance improved. After picking up a free agent named Amber and cycling Lee S. Hart and CJS Regular Ferris with a couple others, we claimed our first victory under the team name “Funky Buttwagon” and went on to win two of the next three weeks under the charming names “Take a Shower, Close Your Mouth” and “Sodomy Via Greeting Card.”

From there, we became an unstoppable trivia machine routinely killing the dick out of our home bar going on weeks-long stretches of 1st place finishes with only a couple of pronounced slumps in the mix. We knew we were Geek Bowl bound and continued to roll on with delightfully weird and vaguely offensive team names like Giraffic Sexual Content (complete with drawings of giraffe porn on the answer sheets courtesy of the absurdly talented and mildly disturbed Brad), Scabies the Clown, Pussy Tuxedo and Sexual Buoyancy.

That’s the best thing about Geeks Who Drink – the marriage of your inherent geekiness evidenced in your taking of pop quizzes in your free time, with your ceaseless appetite for crude humor. “Lt. Boobs and the Search for Vagina Cobbler” rules, bitch! Yes, that was an actual team name.

So with our trivia cock phasers set to “slay mad hos” (metaphorically speaking, of course), we knew Geek Bowl was on the horizon. But two important questions remained: 1) What would we call this juggernaut of useless knowledge? 2) Could we actually win?

First, sadly, the team name had to be dialed back. As most of you know, I work in public relations, and given the scope of this event, I can’t be standing there with five other weirdos with a caption that reads “The members of Kellogg’s Cum Flakes celebrate victory” or something else awful like that. Thankfully, two of our other team members feared the same thing, so we opted for a clean, but whimsical name and settled on “J. Thurston Rockefeller Meowington IV.”

This might sound like the name of a cat, and you might be right. In fact, long time readers of this site might know this cat as “Buttfor.” I coined the name here off-handedly, and since the name brought us victory once, and didn’t reference scabies, ejaculate, or Muppet afterbirth, it was the clear choice for our Geek Bowl team name.

But who gives one narrow hair on a rat’s ass if you’re associated with an offensive name? Aren’t only the winners photographed? Which brings me to my second point…

Foolhardy as it may be considering we’re competing against this and this, we actually believe we have a chance to win this thing. If we never won our home bar, that’d be one thing. If we didn’t go down to the Tech Center and take out a bar there short-handed, that’d be another. And if we didn’t win what’s widely regarded as the toughest bar in Denver a couple of weeks ago, then fuck us in the neck, why even go?

But guess what? All those fucking things fucking happened. We win. We don’t win all the time, but we win. Sometimes the quiz is right in the wheelhouse and we’re like Seabiscuit all over this bitch. Sometimes we grind out at-bats like we’re Derek Jeter and win by sheer force of will. Sometimes the quiz unloads haymakers on us like we’re some hapless choad stepping into the cage against Mayhem Miller on “Bully Beatdown.” And sometimes I use too many sports similes in a row and lose my train of thought…

The point is this: As long as we’re there, we’re bringing it. So don’t sit on us because we’ll smack you down when you’re not ready. Just ask the murderer’s row of top teams a couple weeks ago at the Snug.

In preparation for Geek Bowl, we’ve taken 4 important steps to maximize our abilities and ensure ultimate readiness.

1) Matching T-Shirts & Coordinated Outfits: If you’re too much of a hipster to embrace the pageantry and dress up, then why even be there? Don’t you have ironic facial hair to grow or PBR to drink at a food truck on Arcade Fire Appreciation Day or some shit?

We have shirts sporting our team name and logo, and all the high society accoutrements that go with such an aristocratic name: top hat, monocle, long white lady gloves, etc. We’ll either win or dismiss you haughtily and monosyllabically. Hmph. Or both! Translation: Victory either way!

2) Training Schedule: In the last month we’ve hit between two and four pub quizzes a week. This was done in order to get comfortable in a variety of environments with a cadre of different quizmasters, and basically served to get us out of our comfort zone and strengthen our resolve for the big event. What it actually achieved was mild quiz burnout, increased ability to attend work while hungover in the middle of the week, and depletion of bank funds. It’s been fun, but taxing. Holy shit. Also, we assigned proprietary topic areas to cover in order to make sure we were up on what we thought were likely categories (e.g. Star Wars, World Capitals, etc.). You’ll never appreciate the sprawling world of British television the way Brad has.

3) Manufacture a Way to Angry Up the Blood: So there’s this charmer from Philly called Johnny Goodtimes that for whatever reason, trades barbs with the Geeks Who Drink highmaster. I don’t know, nor do I care, why they do this or how it started. What I do know is that he made this “Battle Rap” video dissing Denver in preparation for Geek Bowl. Go watch. I’ll wait since the HTML embedding is fucked up tonight.

A middle-aged white guy spittin’ beef at a rival city – adorable. This is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait for his next video, which should be a Katy Perry tribute called “Philadelphia Gurls” with shots of obese Eagles fans throwing batteries at Santa Claus.

All I know is that no one talks shit about my city. So, in order to add some additional psychic motivation, our team plans to watch this insipid video right before Geek Bowl, pretend to give a shit about Johnny’s Denver slams delivered worse than Asher Roth over Playskool’s My First Beatbeds, and vow to curbstomp him with knowledge! Bam.

4) Mostly Just Have Fun: Posturing is fun, but here’s the truth. We’re a good team. Probably a very good team. We check our scores on Thursdays against the other Thursday bars, and with very few exceptions, we’d finish at worst top 3 in all of them. But this is Geek Bowl. All of the teams are probably at least “very good.”

Some things have to break our way for a J. Thurston victory. That’s not to say they won’t or that we’re not going in with guns blazing because we are. But we recognize how much of a crapshoot this whole trivia thing really is. Ken Jennings, current reigning deity of all trivia, (until IBM Skynet beats him and that other guy thus triggering the downfall of humankind) ended his outrageous run on Jeopardy! thanks to a question whose answer was “H&R Block.” Knowledge is fucking strange like that. So most importantly, we’re there to have fun.

So until next time… send your love to J. Thurston Rockefeller Meowington IV and all the positive random k-nowledge vibes you can. With a little luck, a bit of hard work in preparation, and FABULOUS costumes, that trophy is coming home with us.

See you at Geek Bowl.

edagger@crujonessociety.com