One of the joys worst things ever of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandmother know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I present to you the first part.

1. Coloring

Now I really wanted to rip on this one, but about a year ago I swiped a coloring book from the kids table at a wedding. It was a Sesame Street Halloween coloring book, like I wasn’t going to take that. So I had this book and I invested in some crayons, the 64 pack with sharpener in that back, and I find it to be very calming and stress reliving to fill in the color to these drab pictures of Muppets in costumes. All the day’s problems seem less important when you’re trying to decide on the color of the wizard’s cloak Ernie is wearing. Also I found this is a good way to distract the girlfriend when I want to watch sports.

2. Crisp Cotton Sheets

I don’t know if I have ever had my sheets crisp. Crisp is a word I tend to associate with lettuce or an early spring morning, never with something I tend to sleep on, under or around. Maybe in the summer if for some reason I decide to nap on my bed instead of on the couch with a baseball game on. But if it’s been like these last couple of weeks with their negative temperatures then I don’t want crisp sheets, I want every aspect of my bed to be toasty. It should feel like crawling into a Tauntaun, and I don’t associate that with crisp cotton sheets. So this tends to be something I can’t enjoy everyday.

3. Soft Skin

This makes me think this email was sent out on behalf of Big Lotion. That’s a thing right? They’re running things along with Big Oil and Big Tobacco according to that conspiracy theory newspaper I was reading in the library’s secret reading room.  This is me rambling because I don’t really have anything to say about soft skin.

4. Old Family Recipes

This one could go either way. I have a couple recipes from my mom that I love. But I could imagine getting a few from either of my grandmothers that could be downright miserable. I know one of my grandmas loves wild rice and has several recipes involving the stuff, but I absolutely loathe wild rice. I feel such a recipe would ruin my entire day. Last I checked ruining my entire day is the opposite of enjoyment. Also depending on how old these family recipes are it could be hard to recreate them accurately. What if I come across an ingredient that no longer exists? Cream of do-do bird, wtf?

5. The First Daffodils of Spring

Again this is something that can’t be enjoyed everyday as the email implied. This one can really only be done like maybe two weeks out of the year. Also you have to take into account if daffodils even grow in the climate in which you live. I have no idea if they grow here, and frankly I don’t give a shit. And is there a reason the first daffodils are more enjoyable than the first any other flowers? Seriously, I don’t know shit about flowers.

6. Sleeping In

As much as I love this one and do in fact enjoy a nice long morning asleep in my bed, it’s not a possibility everyday, because I live in the real world where I have to work ass early 5 times a week, and because of this I have a hard time sleeping in. If I actually got a real payment for doing this writing thing then maybe I could enjoy this more often. Also if sleeping in becomes what you do every day then it’s not really sleeping in and just the late ass time of the day you get up.

7. An Exercise Endorphin High

This one is along the lines of soft skin, put on here by Big Exercise. I suppose this is a good one, though it does advocate getting high, I think it’s apparent I don’t have any jokes for this. Let’s move on.

8. Window Boxes

I’m not sure what this is exactly, my guess would be those flower boxes that hang on the outside of windows. I have never seen this in real life, so I have no idea if they would be enjoyable or not. Though if they are anything like the ones I remember from Sesame Street, with that bug family and their milk carton homes then I say hell yes to window boxes. But if they’re something else, then fuck them, they should be the flower boxes with the Muppet bugs and milk carton homes.

9. A Perfect Cup of Coffee

I hate coffee.

10. A Genuine Compliment (Giving or Receiving)

This is one thing on this list I really like. In this modern day it’s almost hard to tell when a compliment, or anything really, is genuine or if there is some kind of sarcasm to it. So to actually be sincere with a compliment is an awesome thing and feels really good. On that note, whatever you’re feeling insecure about today, is looking good.

11. The Way Babies Smell

This is not the first time I have heard someone talk about how they like the way babies smell, and it’s not the first time I don’t get it. I’m not saying I think babies smell bad, except when they fill that diaper or vomit on themselves, but I don’t think it is a smell I particularly care for. I think they smell weird, not bad, just weird. This is one of the many reasons I don’t want to hold your baby.

12. A Handwritten Letter

I have mixed feelings about this one. I recently received a hand written from my grandma, who is very computer tech savvy. So knowing she took the time and the effort to write out the letter makes it feel more heartfelt. But I remember my first thought was how hard it was going to be to make my strained eyes read it. I suppose it’s my own damn fault for staring at this computer so much because it still does feel pretty good to get a letter from someone who takes the time to write it out, as well as from someone who still knows how to and writes in cursive.

13. Waking Up in a Good Mood…For No Real Reason

 How could I argue with something like this? Seriously what am I going to say, “Fuck a good mood!” “Yarrgh, I’m too emo for a good mood!” Apparently I’m an emo pirate? I just think it’s a little lazy to make a list of 101 things to enjoy and include a good mood. Hey enjoy being happy, enjoy enjoyment! Let’s just put some more effort into this next time.

14. Singing in the Shower

I have found the only time I am singing in the shower is when I have some stupid ass song stuck in my head. So I spend the time singing the same damn verse and being generally upset that I have this stupid song raging through my head and I am in one place where I have no recourse to rectify the situation. I want to know where the pleasure is in being butt ass naked and singing the same verse of a god damned Rhianna song?

15. Finding a Couple Forgotten Dollars in Your Pocket

I have to group this one with the waking up in a good mood. I’m not some pinko who doesn’t enjoy a few extra dollars. However, when this happens I usually blow it on something stupid like a Slurpee or two Slurpees. So it’s very short lived. I could go for a Slurpee right about now.

16. Doing Something Nice For Your Neighbor

What the hell year was this written? Maybe this comes more with homeownership as I don’t know my neighbors and have maybe said a total of 20 words to them in the three years I have been here, but some of my friends who own homes do actually talk to their neighbors. Also recently some college age people have moved in and they are constantly clomping up and down the stairs and I don’t know them but I hate them! So I see no chance of me doing something nice. Well I did almost go scrape the ice off the car for one of my neighbors but then decided I would prefer the warmth of my own car then doing that. Maybe I am just too damned selfish for this.

17. A Home Cooked Meal

This is actually pretty freakin’ sweet! Especially the last one I had. My lady friend made this awesome pasta dish with some kind of bacon and lots of cheese. It was delicious. On top of that since I was only being obnoxious I was kicked out of the kitchen. I got to kick back and watch Speed while a beautiful girl cooked delicious food. Talk about a win-win-win situation!

18. Laughing

You’ve got to be shitting me. “Hey you know what you might enjoy? Laughing.” “You think so? You think I would enjoy something that signals I am enjoying myself? It seems like an odd thing to enjoy, but I’ll give it a shot.” This is a fucking stupid submission to this list. I sort of recall a stand up comedian going off about people who describe themselves as enjoying laughing and just how that is an obvious and stupid ass thing to say.

19. Movie Theater Popcorn

When you spend just one summer selling this crap to impatient assholes it loses some of its appeal. Not only selling the crap, but making it and cleaning it up and just being around it for eight hours a day. The stuff is terrible. I’m getting sick just thinking about it. I’m going to point this out again and I doubt it will be the last, but the email said Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday, so movie theater popcorn everyday, gross.

20. Playing Hookey

When I first read the email I thought this said hockey and said, “Yeah hockey!” The I reread it and realized it wasn’t that cool. Hookey can be fun, especially if you do it Bueller style, but who does that? Also I think I have too much of a goody-goody conscience and feel bad when I do play hookey and end up staying home and watching cartoons and playing video games. And nothing says enjoyment like being racked with guilt.

21. A Bubble Bath

All I can think  of is that episode of “Friends” when Monica convinces Chandler that bubble baths are where it’s at. Then he tried to draw one on his own and it was a disaster. Point being bubble baths are only good if you have it drawn by a professional. Also it is key to ensure you fit comfortably in the tub. As my many crying bouts in the shower have shown, I do not have a good sized tub for my fat ass to properly enjoy a bubble bath.

22. Swimming

Yeah swimming! The only time swimming is more awesome is when it’s in Vegas, with beers, and swim up black jack. You done well on this one, stupid email list.

23. An Afternoon Nap

A nap is good anytime of the day, not just in the afternoon. There are some Saturdays when I get up at 7 because I have been conditioned to, then I take a nap at 10am and it’s just as good as one at three in the afternoon, in fact it might be better since it leaves my whole afternoon open. But I’m not about to knock the bliss that is an afternoon nap.

24. Street Musicians

There’s a reason these people are playing music on the street. I’m not saying they are all bad, but for every one good musician there are ten terrible ones. Many of them have a very loose definition of music. Now I’m not one to stifle anyone’s creativity, I’m just saying maybe practice more and don’t expect me to give you money for something I didn’t ask for. And at least these people are offering more for my dollar than a stupid ass sign.

25. Your Favorite Song

God dammit! Another fucking lazy ass obvious thing. No shit my favorite song is going to be enjoyable. There’s a reason it’s my favorite. Anything containing the words “your favorite” should be omitted from this list as it is totally absolutely crystal clear obviously going to be something you enjoy.

That was only the first quarter of this list. The next installments will follow shortly and I assure they have just as much to offer as these first 25. I never thought there would be something I would miss about my retail job, apparently there is and it’s not having an email my co-workers know about.

See ya in the spam folder…