One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the second part.

26. Saying Thank You

Yes, general common courtesies are something to be enjoyed. I see we’re starting right where we left off. Actually, you know what I do enjoy, saying “You’re welcome.” This is hardly ever heard anymore, people are always saying, “No problem,” or “sure,” or some such shit. So it’s kind of nice to hear, “You’re welcome,” and even nicer to be the one who says it. Full disclosure here, I actually started saying this because it was a catch phrase for wrestler Perry Saturn when he was all crazy and carried around a mop and shit. I don’t know why we’re always made fun of for being wrestling fans.

27. Helping Someone in Need

Sure this one is fine, if it’s something light and easy, carry bags for a lady with a couple of kids or the like, but it can be awful if it’s something bigger, or if the person you’re helping is being an ungrateful prick. Apparently nobody is helping you because you treat people like shit. Then sometimes you help someone move and there’s a problem with the key so you end up unloading chairs and drinking beers on his new lawn, ok that was actually pretty cool.

28. Old Fashioned Photo Booths

I’ve always wanted to stand up in one of these and let it take pictures of my junk, then just leave the pictures. Like some kind of old school Chatroulette.

29. Fresh Whipped Cream

I have only had this once because everyone I know has better things to do than to whip their own cream.  Huh huh, that sounded dirty. The one time I did have some it was pretty tasty and I’m sure I would enjoy it again, then again most anything is awesome when it’s fresh.

30. Inspiring Blogs

Here’s what I use the internet for: school, comedy, news and porn. None of those things are inspiring blogs, though the porn does come close. With so much anger and hatred out there in the blogsphere , I suppose an inspiring blog would be nice. Actually, inspiring blogs are stupid. What the hell is the point of internet anonymity if you only use in a positive light? How dumb.

31. A Glass of Wine

Now this list is getting good. I’m not really a wine guy, but I like how this list is advocating the use of daily alcohol. If the rest of the list keeps up this pace then there may be some hope for it after all. In fact I think I will obey this list item right now.

32. Rainy Afternoons

I’m sure somewhere on the man card it says I’m not suppose to like a rainy afternoon, but fuck it, I do. I love it when it’s one of those gray dreary days with a nice steady (but not overwhelming) rain falling. I found this can be enhanced by playing Joe Strummer and the Mscalleros. Maybe I’ve just got some Blind Melon in me and I like watching the puddles gather rain. The only time I’m against a rainy afternoon is when it postpones the baseball game I’m trying to watch thus forcing me into a marathon of Scrubs episodes I’ve seen a thousand times. I wish Boy Meets World was still on.

33. The Funny Things Kids Say

I was out for Keithage’s birthday recently and so was his young nephew and at the end of the night the kid took to calling everyone a pansy. That was awesome!

34. A Novel You Can Get Lost In

Books, they’re ok, sometimes, I guess. I really don’t have time these days to read a book that’s not a text book. But I have enjoyed a few in my days.

35. Finding the Perfect Piece of Clothing…On Sale

There’s a stereotype that as a dude I’m suppose to care about shopping and clothing. Well, I fit that stereotype. I really don’t give a shit about finding that perfect piece of clothing and if it’s on sale or not. Maybe it was the nine years in retail, but I hate being in a clothing store and do whatever it takes to get the hell out of their as quickly as possible, often this means finding whatever fits at whatever price.

36. Clean Laundry

You know how often you have to be doing laundry in order to have clean laundry every day? Well, everyday I suppose. Unless it isn’t just talking about fresh out the dryer clean laundry. In which case it essentially saying any day that isn’t laundry day is pretty cool. I would agree because I hate doing laundry. This list needs to more clear about what exactly they’re talking about.

37. The Wind In Your Hair

When I actually had hair and could experience this I was annoyed because it blew hair into my mouth. I shave my hair off now and I don’t miss this at all. This list wasn’t written for everyone and is racist against bald folk, a baldist if you will.

38. Treating the Person Behind You at the Drive-Thru

I have never done this, and can’t say I ever will. I would be weirded out if the person in front of me did this. Am I too cynical as I question just how often this has happened? I have never heard of anyone actually doing this. I think it happened in a commercial once, but I’ve also seen a commercial where an alien thing forces a guy to buy a Mazda. So commercials are full of shit.

39. Sharing An Umbrella

This is a terrible idea. There is never enough room under an umbrella for more than one person. Also you have to walk extremely close which is just awkward, not just on a personal space level, but just the walking that close with someone sucks. Though my lady can’t really walk a straight line and ends up walking into me anyway, I just can’t win.

40. The Smell of Lavender

I actually hate the smell of lavender. I thought I liked it. I once bought an air freshener of a purple flower assuming it was the one I like, lilac, but it was lavender and I was put off by the aroma and that air freshener is sitting unused under my sink. This is an absolutely terrible smell and I would rather die than smell it on a regular basis. This is the worst flower there is.

41. A Long Walk That Clears Your Head

Ok, this is a pretty good one. It can be on the list with the daily dose of booze. A long walk then come home and drink, or a walk to the bar and a walk home. You cover those bases and you don’t endanger people by drunk driving. Now you’re using your head, email list.

42. A Bear Hug

I always associate bear hugs with professional wrestling. Some big dude grasping a littler guy and squeezing the life out of them then tossing them about. As much as I enjoy professional wrestling this is not something that I would want to experience. Now I’ll probably get some comments about how such a bear hug wouldn’t be real and is designed not to really hurt me blah blah blah. Still I don’t want some muscle bound guy squeezing me against his oily chest then toss me about like an old rag doll.

43. Smiling at a Stranger

Only if she’s cute!

44. Eating With Chopsticks (Chinese Food Optional)

Are you kidding me? Chopsticks are retarded. You think it’s going to be fun then it takes you way too damn long to get that piece of chicken in your mouth and that’s when you say fuck it and grab the fork. Why would I want to work so hard when there are easier options? I wouldn’t use a pogo stick to travel across the country.

45. Butterflies

Of all the insects, this is probably the most calming and lest disgusting. But still what’s so great about them? I suppose that migration thing they do is pretty cool, and that butterfly effect is an interesting concept, but I don’t see the big deal. And why are they better than moths? I don’t approve of the double standards this list has towards insects.

46. Staying in Your P.J.s All Day

This makes me feel super lazy and also really gross as it usually indicates that I haven’t showered and I hate that feeling. Though this more often happens the day after a night of heavy drinking so it usually means I had a pretty good time. We’ll call this one a draw.

47. Singing Along to the Radio and Knowing All the Words

This one is totally awesome with the right songs, like Tubthumping or Semi-Charmed Life. But then Inxs comes on and you hate your life because you know the words. Or you put on a CD and this list item is suddenly moot.

48. Fresh Herbs

I can’t say I have ever had fresh herbs, so I can’t really comment on this one. But it seems like a lot of work to have fresh herbs on a daily basis. Seems like something only done by people who have shows on the Food Network. Nothing against the herbs themselves, just every day? Jesus!

49. Ordering In a Pizza

This is pretty good, on occasion, like when it’s been a long ass day and you don’t want to make anything. However, daily it could be costly and fattening. Also if you order online like I have done a few times make sure you click the right button for delivery, other wise you have to go pick it up which is fine but defeats the purpose of ordering in a pizza, also if I was going out to get food I would have gotten tacos, because nobody delivers those, yet. Dammit, now I want tacos.

50. Happy Endings…Even If They’re Fictional

Huh huh, happy endings. Yeah these are good.

So there it is, the second half of this list. It was much better than the first part, what with its rainy afternoons, boozing and happy endings. Even the stupid ones weren’t that stupid and less of the obvious ones. Fifty down and fifty-one more to go. I hope they continue this trend of getting better.

See ya at the massage parlor…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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