One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the third part.

51. Flying a Kite

A couple of years ago I thought this sounded fun so I bought a kite and went to the local park and it turns out flying a kite is a lot of work. Either that or I am just way to uncoordinated for something meant for children. That kite has spent the last few years in my trunk and mocks me every time I get in there. So fuck flying a kite.

52. Puppies

If get past the crapping everywhere and the chewing the shit out of everything, then yeah puppies are sweet! Being all cuddly and playful and what have you, I can get on board with that. But only if I can have that part and someone else can do the cleaning and all the responsibility stuff. This is probably why so many are flushed every year. Wait, sorry I tend to confuse puppies and alligators.

53. Root Beer Floats

I have a hard time with ice cream, we don’t get along that well, but this is definitely the best way to enjoy some. Even better is to forgo the ice cream and just add vanilla vodka to the root beer. Better still, just forgo the root beer. Look at that, three entries in and I’m already turning to alcohol.

54. Holding Open the Door…

I was holding the door for my sister today but she was taking too long so I said to hell with it and went in. I don’t think my day would have better if I held the door for her, nor do I think her day would have been different either, or maybe it would have, I can’t be certain of everything going on in her life.

55. … Or Having Someone Hold the Door for You

See above. Also I am capable of opening a door. One of the few skills I have been able to master. Perhaps if my hands are full then fine, but that’s completely different story all together.

56. Fountain Soda

The only places I can think of to get a fountain soda are those 50’s style theme diners. And who wants to put up with that just for a soda? Most of the time you end up with some over zealous community theater reject serving you. Or you get a surly Buddy Holly who obviously would rather be anywhere else and you wish you were in Marilyn Monroe’s section while your date orders a $5 milk shake.

57. White Fluffy Towels

Does it matter if they’re white? I think the important part is that they’re fluffy, and also dry. Also I’m not usually allowed around such pristine looking things as I find some way to muck them up, then I Mr. Bean the whole situation and since it’s not being filmed, nobody wins.

58. Sunshine

Wasn’t there an earlier entry about rainy afternoons? These seem like opposite ideas. Though I do suppose there are those times when it’s sunny and the rain is coming down. Oh and that can bring about the awesomeness of a double rainbow! Aside from emo or goth kids, and members of a cult (long live the beast) who isn’t enjoying the sunshine? And if you answered that with “skin cancer survivors” why would you say that? That’s just in bad taste, c’mon!

59. Spending an Afternoon in a Museum

I’m agreeing with this one because the only time I have ever done this was during field trips in school. So it meant we weren’t in school doing real school work. I could see how this would still be swell if I took the afternoon off of work and went to the museum. If I’m taking the afternoon off I might as well just take the morning off and fully prepare for the museum. And probably the next day off as well to recover from all the excitement from the museum.

60. Really Great Advice

Here’s some advice, create your own list of things to enjoy.

61. Green Lights All the Way Home

This is pretty sweet, but when the hell was the last time it happened? And if this happened every day just imagine how upset you would be when it didn’t happen. Wait, if there are tons of people reading this and they are all catching the green lights then there are going to be a whole lot of traffic accidents. Red lights are a good thing. They teach patience and there could definitely be more of that around, especially on the road.

62. The Sound of Rain Hitting the Windows

How come the door holding thing gets broken up and is one after another but the rain ones are separated? This list is lacking a decent structure.

63. Sitting in a Booth

A booth is fine if there are two of you. It fucking sucks if there are more. It’s a whole big production if the person on the inside needs to get up for any reason. Then you’re sitting way too close. And god forbid the lefty you don’t know about you slides in on your right. Then there are the round ones that induce Dagger to make the hot tub joke he’s been making for at least ten years. And they are a pain in the ass if you’re drunk and try to slide out and assume the bench is longer than it is.

64. Holding Hands

Well, it’s better than sticking your hands in each other’s back pockets. Ugh.

65. A Great Hair Day with No Effort

More of that baldist attitude surfacing. Actually with this all I can picture is when The Fonz would look in the mirror, pull out his comb, realize he is awesome, and gives that little shrug like “what am I going to do with this comb, my hair is always great?” Then he walks out, hits the jukebox and solves Richie’s problem.

66. Building a Fort with Your Kids

I don’t have any kids, not even a niece or a nephew, but that has never stopped me from building a fort! Did you guys see when they built that giant blanket fort city on “Community?” That was the most epic fort ever and that is now what I strive my next fort to be.

67. When Someone Falls Asleep with Their Head on Your Shoulder

Oh yeah, that’s nice isn’t it? You’re pinned in one position with someone’s skull resting uncomfortably on your boney shoulder with their hair tickling your neck, cheek and ear. Suddenly you only have one arm in which to hold the beer, remote and pretzels. Let’s not forget the drool now traipsing down the sleeve of your shirt. What is there to enjoy about this?

68. Fireflies

Fireflies were awesome when I was 8 and visiting my grandma. Actually they were just ok. We would chase after them and imprison them in a jar then watch it the jar light up. WEEEE! All the while the damn mosquitoes were biting the shit out of me. Turns out mosquitoes love both dusk and my plump ass. Insects are assholes and I hate them.

69. The Perfect Taco

I would be content if this just said “Taco.” When it comes to tacos I don’t need fancy qualifiers like “perfect,” “real beef” or “wasn’t in the trash.” I do love me some tacos. Stuff ‘em in a lobster and I am in heaven!

70. Geraniums on a Windowsill

This list sure loves it some flowers, and keeping them by the windows. I still haven’t learned shit about flowers so I don’t know what these smell like and I couldn’t pick them out of some sort of weird flower lineup. So I don’t know if these are better ones to keep in a windowsill or what, but I can tell I do enjoying saying geraniums.

71. Slow Dancing

Jerry: I can’t believe we’re going dancing.
Keri: You don’t go that often?
Jerry: No, because it’s so stupid.

72. The Smell of Fresh Baked Bread

You know what my favorite smell is? Dr Pepper. That I would enjoy smelling a lot more than fresh baked bread, but the bread is still pretty good. And that means something on this list.

73. Cheesy Uplifting Musicals

What. Like Lease? No wait, that’s the one where everyone has AIDS. That’s not uplifting at all. Maybe Les Miserables? I am having hard time cracking the code on this one. Maybe it’s because almost every musical ever makes me want to kill myself.

74. Great Stories

Really going out a limb here. Our whole history as a race comes from stories, and the great ones get retold. There is a reason for this. Much like the favorite song entry to this list. Argh!

75. The Smell of Gasoline

Really? I have never heard anyone say that enjoy the smell of gasoline. I often hear people complain about the price of gasoline and the environmental toll it’s taking and damn near every other evil associated with it. But really nothing about how amazing the smell of it is. I don’t recall ever seeing gasoline flavored air fresheners. I am really starting to question how this list was generated. I could see how it could have been made using a Mad Libs.
Since I screwed up the math so badly last time, apparently, we’ll just call this another part done with. Thank god I am almost through this list because I am very close to the breaking point. I’m a race car in the red. So no more spreading this shit out. The final part will be up Friday, just in time to ruin the weekend. What an asshole.

See ya at the gas pump…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

 cjs_final_mark.jpg