One of the joys of the corporate world is gaining an email that a ton of people suddenly have access to. I now get all sorts of emails I never would have gotten before, ok that’s not entirely true since I made the mistake of letting my grandma know my email. One of these splendid emails I got the other day was entitled 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Everyday. At first I was optimistic and thought, “Aw, this is pleasant.” Then I read the list and I slowly became filled with rage at just how stupid and ridiculous some of these things are. I felt it was my duty to share this list as well as the problems that exist within it. As it turns out I had more to say on these things than I anticipated so I have broken it into 4 parts. I now present to you the final stupid ass part.

76. The Cold Side of the Pillow

Apparently Stu Scott is writing this list. I suppose we can chalk up all those lousy entries to his eye. That was a bit over the line, eh? He’s gonna go cry himself to sleep on the cold side of the pillow.

77. Love Letters

Oh sweet merciful crap. Here’s what love letters always remind me of: the episode of “Saved By The Bell” where Screech decides to leave secret admirer notes for Lisa but there’s confusion and suddenly a lot of people think someone who isn’t in love them is in love with them. I wish this list was 101 Small Things to Enjoy About “Saved By The Bell.” That would be so much better.

78. Old Friends…

Enjoy your friends you jaded ass wagon.

79. …New Friends

“Old friends, new friends/Home with the family/We’ll be together at Christmas/Snowflakes, sleighbells/Bringing back memories/We’ll be together at Christmas/Some things change with passing years/Let this feeling stay/Old friends, new friends.”

Four entries in and I’ve made fun of Stuart Scott and referenced both “Saved By The Bell” and the Muppets. I like this part of the list.

80. A Pull Through Parking Spot

Fuck reversing! I actually do like this lot. You get back to your car and bam-o forward you go with no added effort. It’s even more awesome when I find a spot at the death trap of a parking lot at the local King Soopers. Seriously, what the shit is up with that parking lot? It makes me want to murder, and like a thorough Dexter style type murder.

81. A Baguette – Crisp on the Outside, Airy on the Inside

I prefer Italian bread. That’s all I have to say about that. Well, that and sometimes the list gets super specific and some times not specific at all. Work on consistency.

82. When a Dog Licks Your Hand

Enjoy your slimy dog hand now. When a dog licks my hand I wipe my hand off on the dog’s fur. Jokes on you, dog. Then the dog usually humps my leg and the joke is back on me. Well played dog. Wait a minute, hand licking, petting, dry humping? Was this a dog or a high school relationship?

83. Sitting At the Counter of an Old-Fashioned Diner

Better than a booth. And there’s vanilla coke. I do enjoy me some vanilla coke. But again I bring up the obnoxious waiters and whatever the hell else I said about soda fountains. I think there was a Pulp Fiction reference; I can’t remember everything I wrote two days ago.

84. Using Your Favorite Dishes

I don’t have favorite dishes. Unless you count the big bowl that allows me to have more cereal, than yeah I love using my favorite dish. Extra half serving of Cap N’ Crunch? Like beer in Vegas, the answer is always yes!

85. Reading Your Child a Bedtime Story

I don’t have a child. But I do have the book “Fox in Socks” and that is an awesome book. If I had a child I would read the hell out of that book and make sure my kids could recite every tongue twisting page. Until then, I’ll just have to get drunk and try it, again.

86. Girl Scout Cookies

What the hell do Girl Scouts do? The only time you hear about them is when it’s cookie time. Is it just some kind of self-esteem club or should I expect to see them on an upcoming episode of “Gangland?” That sounds like the weirdest and most awesome episode. When they get to the part where the Girl Scouts have to protect their turf from the Boy Scouts of America, that would be epic. I would guess the Girl Scouts would distract the Boy Scouts with the cookies, though I think the Boy Scouts would be prepared for that.

87. Flossing

The ADA union has gotten to this list!

88. Kissing Someone You Love

<sigh>

89. The Smell of Onions and Garlic Cooking

I am a big fan of garlic. That is one tasty herb, or clove, or whatever. It’s even better when you can smell garlic bread cooking. Let’s grab that baguette from before and some mozzarella and let’s make a delicious little snack.

90. Hot Chocolate

Of all the ways to enjoy chocolate, this is one of them. Aside from the taste, I like hot chocolate because it allows me the opportunity to use the kick ass mug my kick ass friends got me from Canada. It’s a Molson mug that reads, “I Am Canadian.” Also it’s a good place to keep the Bailey’s.

91. Jumping in Puddles

I’m an adult and I’m an adult who hates it when my shoes, and especially my socks get soaked. I have never really been a fan of jumping in puddles. I never saw the appeal, and I’m guy who loves all sorts of stuff designed for kids.

92. Old Photographs

I have a wall full of old pictures. They serve as a reminder of all the good times and the way people come in and out of our lives. Some only stick around for a brief time, while others are in for the long haul. The interactions we have with people is fascinating to me.

93. Birds Hopping on the Sidewalk

Seriously? How can you follow up old photographs with birds hopping around like retards? You know what’s interesting and awesome about birds? They can fly! That’s way better than their sidewalk hop. I can hop around on a sidewalk, but I can’t fly.

94. Ella Fitzgerald

Hey they picked the most non-threatening, extremely likeable musician there is. Ain’t nobody not like Ella, except maybe Nazis, but I don’t know any Nazis so I can’t ask them.

95. A Spoonful of Peanut Butter Straight From the Jar

Why stop at a spoonful? Peanut butter is awesome! More than one spoonful awesome! Can I count my giant spoon as one of my favorite dishes and use that here? Why am I asking about rules to this list? I’ll do what I want!

96. Your Softest T-Shirt

Maybe my skin is too insensitive, but I have no idea which one is my softest t-shirt. The one I’m wearing is pretty soft, but I couldn’t tell you how it compares to my other t-shirts. I do like the idea of trying to make an already fairly comfortable item of clothing more comfortable. It’s like taking your beer and going you know what would make this better? Another beer!

97. A New Magazine in the Mail

I haven’t had a magazine subscription in several years, but I have found I get excited when the new Crate and Barrel catalog arrives in the mail. The catalog I started getting by accident and was annoyed with at first but have grown to enjoy all the pop modern furniture within its pages.

98. Fireplaces

I once lived in a house with a fireplace and didn’t use it a single time the entire year. Though Senor Limon once lit the wood burning stove, that day didn’t end well. I really like outdoor fire pits though, is that the same? There I go asking about the rules again.

99. Having Exact Change

Or you know, living in the 21st century and using a credit card. Actually I was paying cash at the drive-thru the other day (and not treating the person behind me) and opened the change drawer to seek exact change and found two singles in there. I didn’t have to break my ten. So yeah exact change it pretty sweet at times.

100. Bacon and Pancakes Cooking on a Saturday Morning

If this is on a Saturday morning that kind of eliminates the every day aspect of the list. There are three hundred some days a year that aren’t a Saturday. But bacon cooking is always awesome, at least while it’s cooking. I hate the way it leaves my apartment smelling like bacon for the rest of the weekend. I’m going to add bacon to my garlic, mozzarella baguette. That sounds incredible!

101.

Wait a minute. This email was called 101 Small Pleasures You Can Enjoy Every Day, but there appears to only be 100 entries on the list. What the shit? Oh my god I am now even more pissed off. How completely unfulfilling to say there are 101 things but then only have 100. Unless 101 is the list itself in some sort of stupid M. Night Shamalamadingdong type twist. I am so happy to be done with this piece of shit fucktard list. I’m going to go enjoy a Nyquil coma and see if I can forget all of this.

Have a nice weekend.

See ya at Bayside High…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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