We thought about posting a new Happy Friday, but then we looked at what was going on and realized that it would not have been that great. He’s a brief synopsis of how that would have gone: Japan’s under attack by Godzilla, some guy with a name I won’t be able to spell is pissing on Libya, Charlie Sheen, fun new site, fun YouTube video, Rockies off to an awesome start, JOHNNY BONES! Demotivator, and see you next week.  So instead we have decided to give some stuff I’ve been thinking about when I get tired of hearing about the tragedies of the world. So he’s another edition of Hart’s Random Musings!

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When people duel to the death, the backs to each other, ten paces, turn and fire kind of duel; does the winner end up facing any charges for murder? If so would the self-defense, um, defense work in such a case? Do these questions even matter, i.e., do people even do these duels anymore? I wouldn’t think so, but I did recently find out Utah (of all places) still uses a firing squad, on occasion, to execute death row inmates. I think if I were to ever find myself on death row I want that form of execution, or hanging, solely for the antiquity value of such techniques.

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I drove past a billboard for Crown Royal Whiskey and Crown Black and it read, “Tough Decision.” This made me realize that Louie C.K. was absolutely right with his idea of “white people problems.” We, as Middle Americans, don’t have any real problems so we make stupid shit up. This Crown billboard seemed like a prime example, “My life is hard. I’m having a hell of a time choosing which whiskey to drink. Harumph!” Just do what I do, double fist that shit!

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The thing I find most worrisome about Encino Man is that Pauly Shore is the voice of reason.

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I’m not a fan of the new Wendy’s fries. I thought their old fries, well not the old like they’ve been sitting out for awhile, but the fries they used to have were pretty tasty. I guess I was alone in that thought. Though I am now considering the change to be a good thing as it is forcing me to eat healthier when I do decide to eat out, heh heh, eat out. Instead of the fries I now get a salad or oranges. As an adult, it feels a little weird to have a side of oranges with dinner. Maybe that’s because I didn’t want to get up for a fork and drank the oranges like I suffer from a learning disability.

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How fucked up must Connie D’Amico be now, after dating a 40 year old dressed as a teenager, and a baby dressed as a teenager? How messed up was she before that she couldn’t tell that either of these supposed teenagers were not teenagers? Peter is a big fat guy with an old balls chin, and Stewie is two feet tall for fuck sake. I like to think she has real issues and could tell they were a middle aged man and an infant and yet still decided to date them (take that dad!). She eventually dated Chris, meaning the only male member of the Griffin family not to get a piece of that is Brian, and I think that is only because the writers haven’t figured out a reason for Brian to dress as a teenager and infiltrate high school culture.

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I’ve been watching “Daria” on Logo, a lot. I forgot just how funny that show is. In addition to bringing “Beavis and Butthead” back, they should also bring “Daria” back. But what I would like to see is the characters older, maybe in college or just after. Mainly I’m curious about the type of people Jamie, Joey and Jeffy will become. Turns out I spend a lot of time thinking about cartoons.

So, watching the Logo channel is a bit weird. If you don’t know, Logo is a gay channel. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, but rather it’s a channel designed to appeal to the gay community. I’m seeing commercials that were created with the gay demographic in mind. I’m not just talking about ads for “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” but like a tourism spot for Key West, Florida detailing how it’s the ideal destination for the modern gay couple. Very progressive, and since I’ve never seen such a commercial on the usual channels I watch, I was a bit taken aback. Wait, why is “Daria” on the gay channel? I don’t get the connection, but maybe there doesn’t have to be. Maybe I’m a bad person for thinking every show on Logo has to be gay in some way. Maybe I should just go back to enjoying this set from Mystik Spyral (I think they’re changing their name).

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I really don’t like seeing Eric Young as the Diamondbacks first base coach. It makes me sad.

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The other night I met a guy who was on Jeopardy last summer. It was interesting listening to his stories. Then next day I researched because I wasn’t sure if he was being truthful or just blowing smoke. Everything he said checked out, so I suppose he was the real deal. Either that or he memorized the hell out of those few episodes in some kind of weird attempt to pick up chicks. Though it was kind of working, my friend was rapt in his every word. Had he had some way of closing I think he could have taken her home.

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I think the ad lib Donkeylips does during the Camp Anawana Anthem is more amusing than the one Budnick does. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy a good fart joke, but Donkeylips just looks so sad about the fishing rod. It’s almost as if his entire camp experience rests within that fishing pole and he fears some sort of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind shit with its destruction. You may think that is too complex for a 90’s Nickelodeon show aimed at preteens, but I say you don’t understand the masterful acting and emotional depth of one Michael Bower.

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I should probably end here, because anything coming after Donkeylips would only be roasted, toasted and burned to a crisp!

See ya sitting in the old pine tree…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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