“I don’t know what it is about your face, (holds up fist), but I just wanna deliver one of these right to your suckhole.” – Rob Riggle as “Randy” in Step Brothers.
Watching the NBA Finals this year, and this is exactly how I feel about Chris Bosh. Something about his stupid face makes me just want to put my fist square in his grill and knock that obnoxious, manicured, boy band beard off his big ugly head. I don’t think there’s anything he can do to change my mind either. I will probably always want to punch Chris Bosh in the face.
I suppose he can take solace in knowing he’s not alone. So in honor of the day we all get to point and laugh at Lebron, Wade (looking like the only one with any sack of these three assholes) and Bosh choke away the Finals after turning the entire country against them, let’s take a look at E Dagger’s 5 Most Punchable Faces.
1. Chris Bosh
What is it about Chris Bosh that’s so enraging? Is it his posturing after a meaningless slam dunk in a blowout? Is it that he looks like Dwyane Wade and Lebron James’s retarded little brother who gets to tag along with the cool kids? Is it the way he pissed all over the fans of Toronto before joining the most hated team in basketball? Is it that when you type “Chris Bosh” into Google Images, “Chris Bosh ostrich” comes back as the first related search result?
The answer: Yes, yes, yes, and a resounding and hilarious yes! This is the part where I channel Ken Tremendous of Fire Joe Morgan and say that Chris Bosh is a very good basketball player and should be venerated for his talents. Then I say that he’s only a very good player who struts and preens like he’s a fucking pre-eminent superstar.
And for all that bullshit posturing and phony tough swagger, Chris Bosh maintains one of the most exceedingly punchable ostrich mugs (or maybe it’s a velociraptor mug) on the planet.
2. CB Dollaway
Look at that asshole. That cocky, sneering mug staring you down just aching to be cracked by one clean shot in the nose. If you watched Season 7 of “The Ultimate Fighter” you remember what a dildo CB Dollaway was. He and his butt buddy friend wearing matching sunglasses in the hot tub together, his endless shit talking about the other guys and his endless self assurance that he’d win the entire contest. Then he lost to laid back, self-effacing nice guy Amir Sadollah. And then he lost to him again! To the same fucking move! It was beautiful!
On a much more basic level, doesn’t CB have the face of that one jock douche bag from your high school who would walk around and call all the freshmen “faggots,” crack wise with his idiot friends during class annoying everybody, and come to school in his Jeep Wrangler blasting Limp Bizkit for everyone to hear? When I describe CB this way, does it make it more perfect that he went to Arizona State? I think it does.
3. That v-neck t-shirt wearing dickhead from the band Train
No, I don’t know what his name is, and, no, I don’t care. Anyone who can write the lyrics “Hey, soul sister / Ain’t that Mister Mister / On the radio, stereo / The way you move ain’t fair, you know” with a straight face and then sing them over some plunky, twee ass ukulele music doesn’t deserve to have a name. This is without a doubt the worst song ever committed to cultural record, and Nathan Rabin does a better job than I ever could in eviscerating it.
“For that matter, I can’t conceive of a context where the male-model type who fronts Train could un-ironically utter the lyrics “The way you can cut a rug / Watching you is the only drug I need / I’m so gangsta, I’m so thug / You’re the only one I’m dreaming of.” In case there’s any doubt that “Hey, Soul Sister” is a stealth parody of coffeehouse wimpiness masquerading as the real thing, the bemused delivery of “My heart is bound to beat out of my untrimmed chest” gives the game away. Train has inexplicably become so popular that it can deliberately set out to make the worst possible song, and it’s still a goddamn smash. It is apparently impossible for Train to fail.”
The guy who sings it looks like one of those 40 year-old jagoffs who still trolls college bars in order to impress 19 year-old girls with his Mercedes convertible. And who doesn’t want to give that guy a couple of hammer fists in the teeth? Especially when he also creates what is the most unassailably awful song of recent memory, if not all time?
4. Philip Rivers
From the Hatesport article I wrote a month and a half ago: “If anyone has a more punchable face than Philip Rivers, I have yet to find it. Just a screaming, sarcastic, sneering, preening jerk if there ever was one.”
No need to re-till this section of earth. Phil Rivers still has the most punchable face in all of football.
5. That self-satisfied, no-talent midget who plays E on “Entourage”
I hate this fucking show, and Kevin Connolly’s smirking performance as “E” is the worst part of it. He’s supposed to be the show’s center (I think – who the hell knows?), and he can’t fucking act. He would stand out even further if anyone around him could act, but thanks to Adrian Grenier, who is laughably atrocious at playing an a-list star (there’s a reason Adrian Grenier himself has not ascended to a-list status himself), Kevin Dillon who at least doesn’t embarrass himself, and that stupid sack of shit who plays Turtle, he at least is rising to the performance of his peers.
I single Connolly out because I think he is supposed to least douchiest member of this crew, yet thanks to his unearned professional bravado and inability to convey anything besides boundless self-satisfaction, he drips the most douche. Really, he’s just the most glaring herpe on the diseased genitalia that is this insipid show. In one of our Confessionals, Dzayson left a comment about the completely unreal world this show exists in. He says, “As a resident of Los Angeles, I can confidently state that this world is as much fantasy as Hogwarts Castle of Wizards, Warlocks, bullshit etc.”
And outside of the obnoxious, materialistic, shallow ideals of this universe, these characters are all so unbelievably fucking stupid. Their vacuous prattling and moronic, myopic view of the world makes me insane, which is enhanced by the hero worship placed on them by the viewing public. These aren’t guys to look up to, they’re airheads who deserve all the STDs they never magically get in fantasy Los Angeles.
All the cast members of Entourage deserve a kiss with your fist, but Eric most of all. Punch the smarm right off his midget head with glee.
And enjoy the NBA Finals tonight. Hopefully Lebron cries after unfairly blaming the Boshtrich for losing the series for him and punching him square in the jaw.
Until next time…
12 Jun 2011 E Dagger