I had these thoughts I wanted to put down, but they weren’t long enough for their own individual articles, yet they felt too long to be classified as Random Musings. So I wrote them out, put them together, threw in a few Random Musings, and have dubbed it Ponderings. Though looking at it now feels like it should read Ponderings, by Jack Handey. How cool would that be if we could get him to write with us?

The answer: Totes Magotes cool!

But he doesn’t, so today you get Ponderings, by Lee Hart.

***

I remember once Dagger and I were discussing which television shows would be difficult to write for. I can’t remember which shows we decided on but I know they were comedies that were smart and clever, things like “30 Rock” and “Community” but those weren’t shows when we were talking about this. I think now, thanks to the copious amounts of “Futurama” I have been watching, I would answer with that. Not only would it be hard to write consistently funny material, but there’s also the added pressure to predict the future in a way. I understand the fiction aspect and not saying it has to be fully accurate. There are just some things that can quickly become dated. For instance, there is an episode where Fry dates a robot Lucy Liu because he didn’t see the high school scare film about not dating robots. Prompting the Professor to say, “Good thing I keep a copy of it in the VCR.” This is a show set 1000 years from now and A) he’s using technology that is obsolete now and B) this high school film was somehow released on a 1000 year old format? There’s this weird problem of trying to write relevant jokes that will ultimately hold true for a millennia. Anyway, little moments like that take me out of this fantastical world and ruin the show for me for a minute. So like a real asshole I thought I’d share it with you and ruin your experience as well. Or maybe you’ll be fine because you don’t over think cartoons with robots and space-lobster-men like I do.

***

I forgot to mention this a couple weeks ago, but I have also been watching “Louie” and it has been a fantastic show. It’s funny, it’s sad, and it’s real. Patton Oswalt sums it up best in this great interview he gave with the A.V. Club. You should really read the whole thing. “Louie” is a really depressing show, but that somehow works for it. Leaving me to believe Louie C.K. is some kind of genius, you know if genius is measured by the ability to make incredible television.

***

Friend of CJS Tron recently told us, by that I mean he wrote in comments once, about a rule set forth by his wife barring him from complaining about a commercial unless the commercial is on. Luckily we don’t have such a rule in effect, because there is one that has been annoying me a ton recently. It’s for local car salesman Dealin’ Doug. For those of you not familiar with Colorado commercials, Dealin’ Doug sells cars and advertises them with low budget commercials, I’m sure your neck of the woods has a similar such personality. In this one Dealin’ Doug is dressed as Super-Man, or a Super-Man type figure, in order to offer “super savings.” Nothing real offensive here, and I have seen enough of these low quality commercials that I don’t really give a shit about them, but there is a line at the end of this one that tips my meter, that puts my racecar in the red as Vincent Vega would put it. A voice comes on as if to read the legal and says, “Offer not valid on Krypton.” Ugh! Even if I ignore the basics, like Krypton being a fictional place, I still have so many problems with this so-called joke.

Let’s take the wording to start with. We realize that the commercial you’re making is going to be for your place of business, and we understand you may have more than one location, but we have been in Colorado long enough, or lived elsewhere long enough, to know you only have dealerships in Colorado. Implying the offer is not valid in another state, let alone another planet, is just ridiculous. Or that anyone seeing this commercial is going to, or even have the capabilities to, travel to another planet. And to assume that your commercial, which I’m guessing isn’t broadcast outside state lines, is making it all the way to Krypton is incredibly egotistical and completely inane.

That’s not even my biggest problem. No, that comes from the comic nerd in me. Anyone who knows even the slightest about Super Man knows that Krypton was destroyed. This is information that has existed in our culture for 70 to 80 years. This was why Super-Man was sent to earth in the first place. I would say all offers are no longer valid when the place ceases to be.  Now why don’t you get your facts together Dealin’ Doug’s commercial makers? It’s not like I’m asking you to know the origin of some obscure super hero, this is Super-Man for fuck’s sake.

***

I love the movie descriptions offered to me by my cable company. I want to know how you get the job writing those. Here’s the one I came across today as I decided to watch Beavis and Butthead Do America:

Huh huh huh. Heh-heh. Teenage buffoons B & B go bonkers when somebody steals their TV set – and their purpose in life!

I’m not sure which part I like best: the use of buffoons, bonkers, or the exclamation point. Also, bonkers apparently means getting accidently mixed up in crime and trekking across the country. Or whoever wrote this only watched the first ten minutes and saw Beavis and Butthead, or B & B, attempt to get on after their TV is stolen and assumed the rest of the movie was void of any real plot. I suppose if you’re reading the description for Beavis and Butthead Do America then you have no idea what Beavis and Butthead is, and the movie is not going to be for you regardless of what is written.

***

When I was younger I remember there was often talk about people remembering exactly where they were and what they were doing when they learned about Kennedy being shot. “The Far Side” even created a comic about every woodland creature knowing where they were when Bambi’s mother was shot (I didn’t get it at the time). This was a concept I didn’t really understand when I heard it, I suppose this had a lot, or everything, to do with not experiencing any real tragedy. But as we approach the ten year anniversary of 9/11 I can still clearly remember nearly every aspect of my life that day. I recall that I had to change the batteries in the TV remote. I know I have changed the remote batteries several times since then, yet I can’t recall any exact time I had to. It’s interesting to me the way our memories work.

I suppose this is the part where I look back on that tragic day. I don’t have an interesting story. I was at home, I watched the coverage, then I went to work to occupy my mind. I think I had 8 customers my entire shift. Or maybe I talk about how the events have changed me. As I think about it, they really haven’t. I have adjusted to the world that now exists, which mostly means it takes me longer to get on a plane, but my over all day-to-day is essentially the same. I guess when they were saying, “if you don’t get back to life as it was the terrorist win,” I really listened.

I guess all I can do is offer my condolences to those who lost someone that day, and the days since as a result of that day. Embrace your life for them.

***

Taste that? Yeah, bit of a sour note. Let’s try to rectify this. How about some Muppet related stuff?

No!?

Well, too bad!

This month saw the release of a new album called “Muppets: The Green Album.” It’s modern artist doing covers of Muppet songs. In theory this sounded awesome. In reality it was weak, powerful weak. First of all Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies did a cover of “Rainbow Connection” like a million years ago and it rules! Weezer took that song this time and slowed it down and ruined it. Maybe I’m just too close to the source material to be objective. Though Alkaline Trio’s version of “Movin’ Right Along” is ok, and we did get this sweet ass video from Ok Go. Though there version of the song doesn’t hold up to Jason Segel cry-singing it in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Though it has grown on me since I’ve watched this video a bunch of times.

***

Now that is an ending.

See ya on Krypton… Argh!

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com