Despite the calendar only showing the first two days of November with tick marks through them, Denver might as well already be in the throes of winter. Yippee.
This week saw our second snow storm and cold temperatures promise to remain. I’m clearly on the record as being a summer guy (crisp refreshing beers, patios, baseball), so whenever winter finally shoves it’s big ugly cold finger up everyone’s butt, I predictably turn into a big pile of blecchhh.
I’ll admit winter has its upsides: skiing, whiskey tastes better, a broad assortment of delicious soups to choose from (not to mention the return of chili season!), outdoor hot tubbing as the snow falls, sleeping better under the blankets, fewer people outside to bother you on your way to work, and more. But still, fuck cold weather, fuck winter, and fuck you if you like it.
Here are six reasons why winter blows a dead bear.
1. You ruin your shoes
You know who enjoys polishing their shoes? Nobody. You know why? Because it sucks. But thanks to winter in Colorado, a perpetual intermittent flow of snowflakes that will fall, partially melt, freeze, melt some more, re-freeze, then turn into slushy gray slop for a couple days will repeat for FOUR GODDAMN MONTHS rendering your ability to keep a decent-looking pair of shoes decent-looking impossible.
I know one of you wiseasses is sitting out there thinking, “Okay Dagger, you vain bitch. Why don’t you just wear galoshes? Or bring a different pair of shoes to wear outside instead of ruining your precious dress shoes?” And in so asking that question, you’ve proven yet another reason why summer is superior. Thanks to that miracle known as the sun, I don’t even have to do these mental calculations when I leave the house. Slip on some shoes, and you’re on your way. Good day, chaps! I’m off to the patio for a fish taco and a Pacifico!
Nope, winter means getting to think, “Oh, it’s really gross outside. Should I wear boots? Then I have to bring my shoes in a grocery bag. And what if I have a meeting. And spluuuuuhhhhhh…” It doesn’t matter. You’ve already lost. You’re going to be unhappy about it no matter what. Even if you’re not working and just going out, no matter what shoes you’re wearing, your feet are almost certainly going to get wet and you will be uncomfortable in your socks until you get home.
This goes double for anyone under the age of 35 who wears their jeans too long and thinks stepping on the back of them is the correct length of the pant (this includes me). Look at the back of someone’s pants next time they’ve been walking around outside and notice how the dampness creeps up the back of their calf the longer they’ve been outside. Brush that against the back of your leg, and you’ll suddenly hate winter anew like a fresh pine blast to the face.
2. Suddenly you walk like a goddamn idiot
After a fresh snow when the sidewalks have yet to be cleared, and everyone’s trying to navigate safely to their place of business (or methadone clinic, depending on your particular ‘hood), play this game: Toddler, Commando or Zombie? Everyone will be walking like one of those three people.
A toddler is someone who looks precarious with every step they take. Their back is all tensed up, their arms are jutting out of their torso at weird angles, and every step looks like they’re going down in a massive heap surrounded by six bag of spilled groceries (even if they’re not carrying any). They’re trying so hard not to fall down, they’ve upped their chances of doing just that by at least 35%. Most women in heels fall under this category.
A commando is someone who is walking carefully, but placing their feet with surgical precision as if they’re trying to avoid stepping on any landmines. There’s a path they’re walking that only they can see and they’re doing so with such pertinacity, you suspect they have special vision powers the rest of us don’t. Still, their path is not straight and they’re gait moves wholly unpredictably. Most consultants fall under this category going from meeting to meeting.
A zombie is someone who has stopped giving a fuck. They’re walking normally, and while that’s causing splash that’s ruining their pants, exacerbating the deterioration of their shoes, and keeping their feet on uneven terrain, they just don’t give a fuck anymore. They’re zombies because they’re continually moving forward despite all logic, and thanks to the slippery ground, they’re nearly falling down 20 times in a row. Anyone who has walked more than 4 continuous blocks in the buttfucking slush falls under this category.
3. Everything is filthy.
So let’s say you actually make it home. Your shoes look like hell, you’re freezing because you’ve soaked the bottom quarter of your jeans, and you keep picking rock salt off yourself. Guess what? All that debris from the outside is now wet, stuck to you, and taking up residence on your carpet.
I heard someone mock the idea of dry cleaning once by wondering how one cleans with only “dry.” You can barely get dirty with only “dry,” so how the hell are you going to clean without wetness? The opposite is also true here. The world is a filthy fucking place, so when you spray it down with a giant freeze hose, all that static dirt turns to wet, black grime that gets goddamn everywhere.
Your car looks like it was parked under an active volcano. Your carpets look like two St. Bernards had a wrestling match on it (If you’re in college, your carpets look no different.). We’ve covered your shoes already. And your clothes get to deteriorate faster thanks to an accelerated wash cycle.
And you likely don’t give a half a shit about any of this at the time because IT’S SO BLASTED COLD OUTSIDE ALL THE TIME. You come in, shake all that shit off, and plant your fat ass down for some cocoa. Then come springtime, it’s like, “Honey, when did we move to Central Asia? It’s filthy in here!”
4. There’s a general shortage of cleavage to ogle
Winter = cold. Cold = layers. Layers = no cleavage. No cleavage = sad panda.
As much as the sun’s important, I suspect an equal cause of Seasonal Affective Disorder has to be lack of friendly knockers to surreptitiously gawk at. A quality stolen glance at some gorgeous ta-tas makes a shitty day decent, and a good day great. It’s like a life 1up. And almost none to be had during winter time. Sad.
5. Driving takes for fucking ever
I’d like to thank President Dwight D. Eisenhower for having the vision, the passion, and the political will to champion the National Interstate and Defense Highways Act of 1956, which formally gave birth to our system of interstate highways.
I’d then like to thank the season of winter for rendering this complex system of roads which are collectively a concrete miracle totally fucking insufferable.
Trips that normally take 10 minutes take up to six times as long. Simple turns through the neighborhood turn into unexpected impromptu re-enactments of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (without the Asians – unless of course, you’re Asian). And stupid people all around you futilely spin their wheels like they’re at some illegal burnout competition at 3 am in an abandoned Los Angeles parking garage.
Everyone tenses up and no one knows what the hell they’re doing. You cheat death (even more than you already do by driving in the first place) every time you get on the roads in the winter, and what do you get for your troubles? Mag chloride to ruin your paint job, the inability to roll down the windows thanks to the frosty nip in the air leaving you sucking down recycled air, car exhaust and last night’s beer farts, and the growing urge to kill. Thanks winter!
6. The local news becomes even more insufferable
Local news is generally terrible. We all know this. But when it snows, everyone loses their goddamn minds and the local news suddenly breaks off its axis and goes spinning into a whole new dimension of terrible.
So you’re sitting there enjoying a new episode of “Sing or Be Judged” or whatever the fuck reality show where celebrities judge people doing karaoke to huge ratings you enjoy, when it starts to snow. No problem. This happens several times a year, right?
Nope! Time for a breaking news update!
“This is Kathy Sabine in the 9News Weather Center, and it is, in fact, snowing. Considering the gravity of this totally bizarre, unexpected, and utterly grave turn of events, we’re going to let you finish watching this show, but then we’re going to dedicate the entire newscast to this fact followed by the subsequent 7 hours of coverage as well. In the unlikely event we return you to actual programming, you won’t enjoy it because we’re putting a crawl at the bottom of the screen with updates and HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING EVERYONE! WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING ELSE AND YOU’LL WATCH IT BECAUSE YOU’RE A MOUTH-BREATHING FUCKTARD! RATINGS RATINGS RATINGS!”
Why is this coverage necessary? We can all see it’s snowing. We don’t need poor field reporter after field reporter standing on different highway off-ramps to convey this point. We believe you. Let these people back inside the building and get them off the roads, for God’s sake. You’re just further endangering everyone’s safety.
To stop wasting everyone’s time, here’s how you can be helpful. Four things we need to know: How much has it snowed? How much will it snow? How long will it continue to snow? What’s closed? That’s it. That’s all. That’s everything we need. Now please get poor Amelia Earhart off the road. She’s much too pretty and would be better served back in the studio aiding everyone’s severe winter cleavage shortage.
Nearly three years ago, I wrote this. It’s only more true now. Winter is for idiots. How long until Opening Day again?
03 Nov 2011 E Dagger