It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Inside this article is the definitive list of correct choices for all three of the basic human desires – foodin’, sexin’, and car-in’. It’s time to find out who is the 2011 Food, Sex, or Cars Master! Should you have any problems with these answers, take it up with us in the comments section, but we’ve run these answers through a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists, cryptiosimitists, and other really smart people including 2-time winner Keithage. Our word is the last word.

Without further ado, here are the results to the 4th Annual Food Sex or Cars Competition!

Round 1 (Empire State of Mind Edition ): A weeklong guided tour of Brooklyn’s finest restaurants with Adam Richman VS Beyonce Knowles VS This fully customized Audi A8 with the wing doors

GQ Magazine recently named Brooklyn “The Coolest City on the Planet” and listed all the hippest places to eat, drink, and hang out. Everything from beers with breakfast to locally sourced lunches to yes, Peter Luger Steakhouse, all guided by native Brooklynite and all-around cool guy Adam Richman, is quite the draw indeed. But a number of you pointed out the crippling aspect of that tour – food burnout. After a couple nights of eating out, you really just want a PB&J or a Totino’s Party Pizza or something. A week is too long. Audis are undeniably awesome rides that are somehow cool and luxurious without all the suffocating pretentiousness of BMW, Infiniti or Lexus. But they’re expensive, complicated, and the dealership’s always on the goddamn other side of town, when they need to be fixed. You’re complicating your life further when you customize it. Beyonce is a global icon and a total force of nature. And she’s married to Jay-Z, probably the most unassailably cool and powerful guy in America. And you’re gonna fuck his wife. You get to live the rest of your days knowing that you cuckolded The Jigga. Little old you got one over on the guy who made a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can. One of Jay-Z’s 99 problems may not be a bitch, but it will be the knowledge that you nailed Sasha Fierce and there’s nothing he can do about it. That, friends, is called winning.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Krista, Rockies22, Tim Schulz, chaddymac, Gutter, Flickerbock

Round 2 (Reliability Edition ): Dinner for two at PF Chang’s VS Chris Klein VS Hyundai Tucson

Think about the last time you were out at some drab suburban shopping center, and you were trying to decide where to eat. Someone probably said, “Hey, how ‘bout PF Chang’s?” You know what your response wasn’t? “Fuck that place! I hate it!” You know why you didn’t say that? Because no one has ever said that in the history of time. You probably thought to yourself, “Why not? I could go for some lettuce wraps and some pot stickers!” Everyone likes Asian fusion, and even if you don’t, at least you know you’re getting something lightly fried with a salty and tart sauce. Besides Rollerball, name one Chris Klein movie you disliked. We’ll come back in two hours as you continue to ponder that and come up with nothing. And he’s handsome, in great shape, and seems like a sensitive soul. While both are reliable and totally acceptable options, they’ve got nothing on the best value in the small/crossover SUV class. Motortrend says, “what’s important here is that the Hyundai now has the power, fuel economy, and interior amenities to do battle with competitors from Honda, Chevrolet, Toyota, and others.” And since it’s a Hyundai, you’re going to get a great deal on it. Hyundai wins.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Krista, Dzayson, St80umseating, Rockies22, Gutter, Tim Schulz, chaddymac, Zach Knaus

Round 3 (Fill ‘Er Up Edition ): A big lumberjack breakfast VS Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family VS Honda Shadow

Consider what it would be like being near Gloria Pritchett for an extended period of time. She’s just so loud. Could you keep a boner with that shrieking? How about when she spouts off a delightful malapropism like when she says “You scared the baby cheeses out of me!” We’ll answer those questions in a minute. A Honda Shadow is a very nice bike. Totally unremarkable but reliable, ballsy enough, and not bad to look at. A big lumberjack breakfast is an awesome idea always. But then you’re sitting there with your pants unbuttoned filled with pancakes and ham and syrup and cholesterol thinking, “Well, this day is shot.” You’ll probably regret that later. Now, to answer the first two questions: Yes and yes. She’s Colombian, which means even if you’re not blasted out of your mind on cocaine while you’re fucking, it’ll sure feel like it. And really, look at those cans! Who can say no to that?

Winner:

Correct answer: Krista, Dzayson, St80umseating, Clayton Richards, Stephen Alwon, Zach Knaus, Flickerbock

Round 4 (Best Edition Ever ): Chuck Norris makes you dinner VS The Most Interesting Man in the World has sex with you VS Planet Express Ship

The Planet Express Ship travels 99% light speed, gets to the moon in 10 seconds, and runs efficiently on clean burning dark matter. In short, it’s the most kickass vehicle in all the universe… and it STILL can’t hold a candle to either Chuck Norris or The Most Interesting Man in the World. So, how do you decide? Well, dinner with Chuck Norris would likely include the most tender chicken in the history of the world thanks to that fist hiding behind Chuck Norris’s beard, and really, what can’t Chuck Norris do? He can’t beat The Most Interesting Man in the World here, for starters. If, as the commercial says, “you put a pat on the back from him on your resume,” can you imagine what a roll in the hay with him would do for you? That’s too much to pass up.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, StudentDrAwesome, Zach Knaus, Flickerbock

Round 5 (Macarena Edition ): A dinner of your choosing at In N Out Burger VS An opposite gender real doll built just like you VS Scion XB

Scions are cheap, but whatever. They seem to be exclusively trafficked in by people who feel compelled to paint flames or 8 balls or some other idiotic affectation on them. Refusing to choose the opposite gender real doll with your same dimensions basically sends the message to the world: “If I were someone else, I wouldn’t have sex with me.” And if you’re unwilling to bang the shit out of a reasonable facsimile of you, why should anyone else? The catastrophic psychological consequences of that are too horrific to bear, which renders this a win for the creepy Real Doll that’s built like you. Reiterating how fuckable you are is of paramount importance. Except that banging a mannequin is creepy and In N Out is delicious.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, StudentDrAwesome, Nebulusvisions, Krista, Dzayson, Zach Knaus, St80umseating, Clayton Richards, CassieB, Corriander, Tim Schulz, Gutter, chaddymac, Rockies22, Flickerbock (aka Everyone – You’re welcome, CJS)

Round 6 (Crazy Train Edition ): A giant ostrich egg drank like Rocky Balboa VS Michele Bachmann VS Reliant Robin

Michele Bachmann has been married to that poor closeted gay man for over 30 years, and hasn’t seemed to notice, which doesn’t bode well for her sexual prowess. Also, would you want her and those creepy eyes looking at you while you’re trying to take the last train to O-Town? Answer: No. And we’re pretty sure drinking that much raw egg at once would really fuck up your insides. The answer then, is the Reliant Robin. Despite its ridiculously idiotic engineering, being the nemesis for Mr. Bean when he’s in his car, and its propensity to roll the fuck over, the guys in that video seemed to enjoy themselves. Just wear a helmet and keep on rolling, we say. You’ll look like an idiot, but that’s life, right?

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Nebulusvisions, Krista, Dzayson, Gutter, Rockies22, Clayton Richards, Corriander

Round 7 (Mountain Vista Edition): Kobe beef filet w/40 year-old Glenfiddich VS Kenny Chesney (who will sing you songs after coitus) VS 24 hr car service w/driver for 9 months

Kobe beef is definitely high quality beef, but it’s relatively easily attainable. Scotch is delicious, and probably the manliest of manly drinks, but what even the staunchest of liquor snobs will admit after enough badgering is that while drinking something that’s been aged for that long is cool, it ultimately doesn’t taste that much different than 99% of all other scotches unless you have some sort of super refined palate (you don’t). Kenny Chesney is nice, and your own personal private concert would be pretty sweet. But unless you’re super rich (you’re not), you’ll never have a car service at your beck and call all hours of the day to take you wherever you want to go. Wanna go up skiing? Done. Wanna head into Manhattan on a moment’s notice? Done. Wanna drink your face off every night for 9 months and not worry about how you’re getting home. Covered. This wins fairly handily.

Winner: 

Correct answer: Krista, Dzayson, Clayton Richards

Round 8 (Suburban Home Edition): Chicken quesadilla VS TGI Friday’s waitress VS Hipster cruiser bike

Here’s what we’ve never understood about hipster cruiser bikes. What do you do when you have to go uphill? Enjoy your one gear, dumbass. Just because it’s old school looking doesn’t necessarily mean it’s cool. Bike technology has advanced for a reason, hipster. The waitress is a decent choice since people who work in the service industry are pretty much universally down to party, but the reliability of a chicken quesadilla cannot be ignored. You know what you’re getting, you know it’ll be totally decent and pleasantly filling, and you can dip it in salsa, guacamole, sour cream or whatever the hell else you want. That’s the safe choice, and in this case, the right answer.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Gutter, Nebulusvisions, Krista, Rockies22, chaddymac, St80umseating

Round 9 (Higher Power Edition): Loaves & fishes meal w/Jesus’s crew (but no Jesus) VS Taking Tim Tebow’s virginity VS The Popemobile

Without Jesus, you’re eating fish and bread with a bunch of dudes in about 33 AD. Great. With that out of the way, what do you take a ride on: The Tebowner or the Popemobile? With the Popemobile, you’re behind bulletproof glass, you have unencumbered 360 degree views of the entire city, and a driver. We know we didn’t specify that this comes with a driver, and it doesn’t, not necessarily. But if you owned this, you know you’d be taking turns with your friends riding in the top of this thing, doing that dance from Teen Wolf, and waving at strangers like you’re goddamn Miss America. That would be awesome. Tim Tebow, on the other hand, well, have you seen him play quarterback? You live in America, of course you have. He’s terrible at it, but wildly entertaining to watch. You don’t know if he’s going to overthrow a receiver who’s five yards away by 20 yards, throw it directly into the ground in front of him, or break off a 45 yard run. People call this inexperience, but this is a man who seems to lack fundamental mechanics in throwing an object he’s presumably been throwing his entire life. Now then, how would his performance be at something he’s never even attempted if he’s so shitty at the thing he’s paid to do professionally? And as you consider that, think about the real implications of taking the Football Jesus’s virginity. Have you enjoyed your anonymity thus far? Well, it’s over because now you’re a part of the 24 hour news cycle. Your life is different forever, pretty much inarguably for the worse.

Winner:

Correct answer: Nebulusvisions, chaddymac, Rockies22

Round 10 (Over Indulgence Edition): Thanksgiving dinner prepared by the Epic Meal Time guys VS A three way with Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders VS Motley Crue’s tour bus circa 1989 as is

Having your own tour bus would be awesome. Having Motley Crue’s tour bus circa 1989 would be less awesome. While it probably comfortably sleeps 10, almost certainly has a hot tub in it, and contains all the drugs you could ever want for the rest of your life, it probably also has dirty stowaway passed-out groupies, big clumps of STDs and hepatitis lurking in its crevasses, and many other unspeakable horrors as well. Thanksgiving is the one day a year where not only is it okay to gorge yourself retarded, it’s expected. One year, wouldn’t you like to take that to its most extreme conclusion? The bird in a bird in a bird in a bird in a bird in a pig is a fucking ridiculous meatgasm and you owe it to yourself to indulge in something that pants shittingly mind-bending once in your life. Plus, how long until one of those guys dies, gets sued or the apocalypse happens? Longer than it would take you to disappoint the two actors who, oddly enough, have the best sexual chemistry of any of the 5 actors on “How I Met Your Mother.” Granted, that would be righteous and this is an absolute dogfight of a scenario, but you have to do Thanksgiving like that just once. Why? Because you never will. Because you’re a pantywaist. Time to cowboy up and eat the meat!

Winner:

Correct answer: Krista, Rockies22

Round 11 (Doesn’t Float Edition): Toaster leavin’s VS Your “off” hand VS Fisher Price roller skates

Fisher Price roller skates are just about the worst thing ever. Rather than reduce friction, they actually seem to increase it forcing you to drag them along under your feet. Awful. Toaster leavin’s were good enough for Bud and Kelly Bundy, but not for you. Unless you’re ambidextrous, your “off” hand is going to be extraordinarily difficult to get you to your happy place. But that’s still better than these two shitty alternatives.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Corriander, Krista, St80umseating, Gutter, Nebulusvisions, chaddymac, Flickerbock, Rockies22

Round 12 (Nostalgia Edition): Elmer’s Paste VS Mr. Rogers in 1983 VS Razor Scooter

Can you image what eating paste would do to your digestive tract? God, that’s too terrifying to even consider, so that’s out immediately. Razor scooters are fucking stupid. They were stupid when they were popular a decade ago (yes, we had one), and they’re even dumber now that a decade has passed and you’re still hunched over that low ass bar on those tiny wheels that get tripped up by pebbles. You know what’s wrong with fucking Mr. Rogers? Nothing. Only your warm childhood feelings about the kindly old dude who wanted to be your neighbor. He’s an ex-marine, a gentle soul (which means he’d be a tender and attentive lover), and a decent looking chap to boot. Get over yourself.

Winner:

Correct answer: Deuce, Flickerbock

Round 13 (Gassy Edition): A head of cabbage VS Peter Jackson VS Rickshaw

And now we’re into the dregs. A whole head of cabbage would likely give you the most poisonous, noxious, and God-defying farts in the history of the universe. Without any mayonnaise or anything else to dress this up, the taste would be pretty awful too. Yet somehow that’s still better than the idea of sleeping with Peter Jackson, who looks like he smells weird. Consider for a moment that hairy, sweaty, crusty fat dude heaving himself on top of you and oozing all over your naked body, and then consider trying to get aroused ever again after it. That pretty much leaves the rickshaw, don’t it?

Winner:

Correct answer: Corriander, chaddymac, St80umseating, Flickerbock, Rockies22, Dzayson, Nebulusvisions

Round 14 (Nightmare Edition): The contents of a vacuum bag wrapped in a tortilla VS Granny S. Preston Esquire VS Forrest Gump’s brace legs forever

If you had to wear braces on your legs forever, you’d constantly be getting ‘em caught in grates and shit when you’re walking in downtown Greenbow and getting made fun of for the rest of your life. You’d put a pistol in your mouth after about 6 months. If the creators Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey sought to create the most unfuckable creature in the history of cinema, they succeeded. Her combination of creepiness, malice, sheer ugliness, and general unpleasantness makes her the stuff of nightmares even 20 years later. With the vacuum cleaner bag, at least there’s a tortilla, and you can cover it in melted cheese, wash it down with an ice cold beer (or 12), an ice cream sandwich, and a nice slice of pie. It’s over quickly, which is more than you can say for either of the other two. (Editor’s note: Probably our favorite one of this year. We’re diseased.)

Winner:

Correct answer: Corriander, Gutter, Flickerbock, Dzayson

Round 15 (Kiss Me Deadly Edition): Fugu blowfish VS CatherineTrammell VS Elephant

Let’s face it. All three of these things are going to kill you. When you reach the afterlife (assuming one exists), which of these sentences would you rather say?

1. “I died eating some expensive fish.”

2. “I died fucking a crazy bitch when I should have known better.”

3. “I died when my own elephant stomped on my face when I was riding him to work.”

The answer is the third one in a runaway. That’s way cooler than death via fish for lunch or an icepick to the neck mid-thrust. You want the elephant death, definitely.

Winner:

Correct answer: Rockies22, Deuce, Corriander, chaddymac, StudentDrAwesome, Krista, Gutter, St80umseating, Flickerbock

Let’s go the scoreboard!

  • CassieB: 1 pt
  • Stephen Alwon: 1 pt
  • StudentDrAwesome: 3 pts
  • Tim Schulz: 3 pts
  • Clayton Richards: 4 pts
  • Zach Knaus: 4 pts
  • Corriander: 6 pts
  • Nebulusvisions: 6 pts
  • Dzayson: 7 pts
  • St80umseating: 7 pts
  • Chaddymac: 8 pts
  • Gutter: 8 pts

Thanks for playing, everyone. No prizes for you…

Now let’s see who finished in the money:

Tied for 3rd place, with 9 out of 15 correct:

Flickerbock and Deuce

Congratulations! You both win $5 cash, payable whenever the hell we see you.

There can only be one winner!

Also, your CJS Staff ain’t feel like shelling out for multiple prizes this year again.

Once again we had a tie for first place. And since we’re super secret and ultra-sneaky, we held a tiebreaker yesterday evening on Facebook between our two finalists. Their responses are below to this question:

When you add up the three street addresses of the CJS authors’ (Lee S. Hart, Senor Limon, E Dagger) first childhood homes, how much does it equal? Whoever gets closest wins.

Their answers:

Krista: 41,246 (Krista’s Explanation: Aw hell, I don’t know. Pulling this out of nowhere.)

Rockies22: 12,000 (Rockies22′s Explanation: 3 houses with addresses near 4000)

Correct answer: 422 + 104 + 12680 = 13,206

In 2nd place, with 10 out of 15 correct, and unfortunate loser of the super secret Food Sex or Cars tiebreaker:

Krista!

Congratulations! You win a $20 iTunes gift card.

And our Grand Prize Winner… Winner of a $50 iTunes gift card and his/her very own optional guest column appearing on the Cru Jones Society. With a score of 10 out of 15 correct… We present to you, the 2011 Food Sex or Cars Grand Champion:

Rockies22!

Congratulations, sir! You are the newest Food Sex or Cars Master. You’ve harnessed your keen intelligence, gleaned insight that others would never think to utilize, and probably gotten really fucking lucky on your way to your very own Cru Jones Society guest post and iTunes paradise.

Thanks to everyone who played. We’ll look forward to seeing you back here in 2012 for the 5th Annual Food Sex or Cars competition. Enjoy your Tuesday, and we’ll see you back here Thursday for your regularly scheduled CJS goodness.

staff@crujonessociety.com