I have noticed many people seem to have a problem with silence, and they seek to ensure the silence doesn’t exist. This usually entails talking, but unfortunately most people aren’t very apt at the whole talking thing. Sure they are capable of putting words together and forming complete thoughts, but it usually doesn’t entail more than that. Some people seem to be so threatened by the silence they have pocketed select phrases to keep the silence from showing up. I for one am tired of hearing these stupid little phrases, and that fact that people can’t just let the silence linger. Let’s please clean up the work place and eliminate the desire to talk about or say these stupid ass things.

Is It Friday Yet?

There is a woman in my office who says this all the fucking time. Asking this is not going to make Friday show up any quicker, nor does it make me believe you are clever or funny in anyway. You sound like you have a learning disability. Even Rain Man could keep track of the days. What do you hope to actually gain from asking this dumbass question? Most likely everyone will say, “No.” Maybe someone will use it as an opening to ask about your upcoming weekend, but that is unlikely as you’re a dull person and no one cares. I feel like this the equivalent of telling someone they have a case of the Mondays, but it’s worse since it can happen on more days than just Monday.

There’s also the variation on this, “Is it time to go yet?” Did you hear the alarm on your watch go off, because I’m sure it’s set to 5 o’clock? No? Then no it is not. Maybe focus more on your work and the time and days will go by more quickly and these questions of yours will be moot (or moo).  Yeah, in fact just don’t leave your office until quitting time and we’ll all be much happier.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

This phrase has been clever once, when Adam Scott would say it with such disdain on “Party Down.” Other than that why the hell would you even say this? People, in general, have a tell tale sign that they are having fun, it’s called a smile, or in some instances, an O-face. If either of these isn’t present then they probably aren’t having fun. And if you have to ask, then they probably aren’t having fun. And if they are at work, in an office, with you, then they probably aren’t having fun. Nor are they having the best day ever. Not too many people ever consider a day at the office as the best day ever. Also, if they were to tell you they were not having fun, what would you do about it? If you answered nothing then you are correct. First of all these people aren’t having fun because they are doing work, to change that would not be good for the company. Second of all, how can I trust you know what fun is if you can’t tell when people are having it?

You Got The Memo

Or some variation regarding some official document declaring the same thing to be worn. Seriously, who in their right mind would contact another person about what to wear to work? I’ll give you Halloween, but any other day? The world is full of coincidences, and the fact that there’s maybe a dozen different colors a person will wear to work means the chance of coincidence is high. Let’s just leave it at that. There’s nothing humorous about the idea of grown ass people planning out their outfits. And it especially isn’t funny now after it has been said a billion fucking times. Also, how come only two or three people got the memo? Who the hell screwed up on the memo distribution? Or did you get it too and just decided to ignore it? What to be a team player. There are really too many holes in this joke. Do you think people in jobs with uniforms make this joke?

The Weekend’s Too Short

If I ask you how your weekend was I am not asking about the length of it. I know how long it is. I understand the concept of two days. And if you’re working in my office, then you have half a day longer than I do. This is like telling a one legged man the walk was too long. You should be grateful to even have two days in a row off. This is a luxury I haven’t always had. My days off were usually one at a time and several days apart. Maybe if you were happy with you have rather than angry at what you don’t have the weekends wouldn’t feel so short. Or if you can’t appreciate that at least don’t bother me with your length problems. Maybe if you didn’t spend so much time asking if it was Friday your weekend would be more enjoyable. More importantly if you don’t have anything interesting to say about your weekend, then don’t say anything at all. Say it was fine and move on. That’s how small talk works.

The Weather

Can we as a society stop talking about the weather? If you want to use it set up a story, fine. The weather was so nice we went for a hike; it’s supposed to cold as balls so dress in layers. That is fine. But complaining about the weather is getting old. It’s never good enough for you, ever. I get it. Your complaining is not doing anything. Just fucking move already to a place where the weather isn’t an issue. Also why do people seem so surprised by weather almost all the time? “It’s so cold and snowy!” No shit, it’s December in Colorado. “But October and November were so nice.” You couldn’t possibly have expected that to last. We live in a place with seasons, these things happen. Get used to it, and stop talking about. But more importantly, do not talk to me about the weather when you’re a stripper and I’m throwing money at you to take your top off. I didn’t pay a cover charge and convert my money to singles to talk about the snow. Weather is not sexy.

See ya at the water cooler…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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