Since Hart took his turn looking at his 2011 Predictions, I felt compelled to do the same in CJS BONUS WEEKEND CONTENT! Inside are my predictions, which you can also find right here, and a little roundup of how we did.
Let’s get to it!
1. John Elway as a Broncos executive will be an unmitigated disaster
And we’re off to a screaming start. This dares to be wrong so brazenly, it’s running naked through the quad at your local college shouting about its wrongness to confused coeds and professors wearing jackets with elbow patches. The Broncos have defied expectations this year and find themselves poised to take on the evil New England Patriots this very evening all on the shoulders of a very pious, very polarizing, young man.
Me, I’m a Tebow guy. I never know what he’s going to do out there, and that crazy sense of not knowing and watching the high wire act invigorates me while watching football in a way that I haven’t felt in YEARS. People are put off by his constant jabbering about Jesus, and while that can be off-putting just due to the sheer volume of times he does it, ultimately I choose to ignore it. Penn Jillette never shuts up about his fucking atheism and that’s annoying too, but at the end of the day I don’t like him any less either.
Back to Elway, he savvily drafted Von Miller, shipped Captain Neckbeard out of town (ok, that was kind of stupid, but I was tired of seeing his dopey mug on the sidelines), and has my faith that he’ll continue to build a good team around our Timmy. Never been happier to be wrong about something so egregiously in my life.
2. My predictions for other sports will flop spectacularly
Let’s run through these quickly: The Rockies did NOT win the NL West which thoroughly disqualified them from beating the Brewers in the Divisional Series and losing to the Phillies in the NLCS.
The Avalanche finished 30-52 (I fucking hate calculating OT Losses – it’s a loss), and sucked the meat missile with gusto which pretty much bukkake slapped my prediction of 2nd round of playoffs right in the face.
The Nugs did trade Carmelo, and somehow became 10x more enjoyable to watch. I went to a game earlier this week, and it was fun as hell. Free food and beer in a suite didn’t hurt.
The Rapids, indeed, continued to play soccer in Commerce City (Nailed it!).
Here are your UFC Champions:
Heavyweight – Junior Dos Santos (Correct)
Light Heavyweight – Jon Jones (Correct)
Middleweight – Anderson Silva (Correct)
Welterweight – Georges St. Pierre (Correct – although now injured, Condit VS Diaz for interim belt)
Lightweight – Frank Edgar (I picked Anthony Pettis, who lost to Clay Guida in a contender fight)
Featherweight – Jose Aldo (Correct)
Bantamweight – Dominick Cruz (I picked Miguel Torres who was fired for a rape joke, then re-hired)
3. I will have the same job at the end of 2011 as I have now
I have the same job now as I had at year’s beginning. Best (and hands down busiest) job I’ve ever had. It has officially replaced working for City of Golden as my favorite job ever, although it’s hard to beat the shenanigans of that job complete with busting open spray paint cans, jumping off trucks doing 30 mph and doing Vietnam rolls, and playing Ball Madness in the batting cages.
4. I will finally quit smoking for good this year.
I quit smoking for good on February 15. I don’t miss it.
5. Roku (and devices like it) will gain popularity as traditional cable subscriptions dwindle
I was mostly trying to sound smart here, and although cable and satellite lost record numbers of subscribers, technology adoption doesn’t generally happen this fast. I myself am finally buying a car from this decade later this week, so I’m certainly not one that adapts quickly.
6. Bill Hader will be the next breakout star of SNL
We’ll call this one TBD. Kristen Wiig really broke through with the juggernaut Bridesmaids but Bill Hader is still probably the funniest motherfucker on SNL. He’s doing a shitload of movies in 2012 if memory serves, one of which is with Aubrey Plaza called The Hand Job that sees Plaza as “a studious high school valedictorian who decides that she wants to have experiences with boys before she goes off to college, so she makes a bullet list of everything she needs to do—stuff like “hand-job, titty-fuck, blowjob, fingering”—then checks them off one by one.”
My only prediction for 2012: That movie will be fucking hilarious.
7. Lee S. Hart and I will get drunk in the parking lot of JC Penney and thoroughly enjoy The Hangover 2.
No drinking in the JC Penney parking lot this year, which makes me sad. Nor did I see The Hangover 2, which makes me less sad since I heard it’s basically a shot-for-shot remake of the first one. I’ll watch it on HBO later this year, I’m sure. It will be fine.
8. Extra Space Storage commercials will become the next viral video craze
Sadly, this didn’t happen either. The world still turns.
9. CJS Regular Dzayson will win Food Sex or Cars 2011.
Dzayson actually finished tied for 6th, but did provide us with one of our two favorite answers this year that highlighted his poor coordination resulting in his inability to jack off with his left hand and probable paralysis resulting from falling off some Fisher Price rollerskates leading to his choice of eating toaster leavin’s. That’s something. Food Sex or Cars was won by Rockies22 after a tiebreaker with Krista. Heated competition this year.
10. One of two things will happen to the Tea Party members elected in 2010:
I have no idea if either of the two things happened or not, nor do I particularly give a shit. The Tea Party was answered ideologically by the Occupy folks and partisan gridlock reached an all-time high. I have never cared less about these fuckfaces in Washington less than I do right now, and caring about these fuckfaces is actually part of my job.
2011 proved a great year for Dagger, so I’m not even going to attempt to predict 2012. Here’s hoping 2012 is the most prosperous year for CJS and its many Regulars yet.
14 Jan 2012 E Dagger