My high school once did an over-night lock-in. Essentially, we spent the night in the school, it was like a sleepover with dozens of people. It wasn’t the sleepover aspect that intrigued me; rather it was being inside the school at a time when I normally wouldn’t be. I felt like I was breaking some kind of rule. That was the kind of dorky goody-good I was.

This sensation is something I have carried with me. A few times I have had to work overnight at my retail job and I was actually excited to go to work. Or now if I’m at the office after the sun has set. I chalk that one up more to being 12 stories up and seeing the city glow. Whatever the case may be, I just enjoy being in place after dark that I’m normally in during the day.

Because of this I can’t wait for a zombie apocalypse forcing me to possibly spend the night in some place other than a house. I never understood mobilizing instead of taking refuge in a situation like that. I would hold up somewhere as long as I could.

These are my top choices.

A Shopping Mall

I know this was done in Dawn of the Dead but it seemed to work for them. Well, half of them. Though this mall seemed way better than any mall I have been to. In addition to the usual mall shops there was a gun shop, a bar, and a food store. They had access to enough shit to make a functioning living space and kitchen area. This is where someone living in New York would joke how the make shift living area was bigger than their apartment.

The mall offers a variety of stores to both help you defend yourself from zombies as well as occupy those times when the zombies aren’t around. Think about all the shit it malls you wish you could play with but can afford or justify buying. Now is the chance to live it up! My local mall has a Lego store and now all I can think about is building the most elaborate Lego creation. Something with millions of bricks. Or building one of the Star Wars ships and have attack the shit out of Hogwarts. Fuck, I need some Legos. Additionally, every store offers a security gate should any zombies get past the main entrance.

The downside would be the limited food supply. Sure there’s the food court, but how long will that food last? Colorado blue laws also mean the only available booze would be whatever was leftover in the Chili’s or Bennigans’s (Bennigan’s?) or whatever stupid restaurant may be attached to the mall.

Worst case scenario, you can wait for death in one of those massaging chairs.

A Bar

Ok so a bar doesn’t really fit the first part as most of the time spent in bars is at night. But I offer this rebuttal: whatever, shut-up, I don’t care.

On first thought, hell yeah, a bar! There’s booze, some food, I love going there when there aren’t hordes of zombies, why not? Well, it’s really dark, it’s really small, there’s nowhere to sleep, and eventually all that will be left would be Bud Light and Soco.

Ok, so this has to be a specific kind of bar.

Yeah, titty bar!

No. Again that may seem like a good idea, but it’s fucking terrible. The hot naked chicks are totally outnumbered by gross dudes who were just staring at naked chicks. Also, gross. Just gross.

The answer is a Dave and Buster’s type place. You get the booze and food, it’s roomy, and there are tons of video games. I’ll wait out any apocalypse if I can spend the time playing skee-ball or Pac Man or simulate a car race. There are really no other redeeming factors other than getting drunk and playing video games. You’re pretty fucked should zombies make it in. Those video game light guns aren’t going to do jack, but you know you would try.

A History Museum

My sister got to spend the night in a museum once. I was jealous. There’s a good chance I try to scare her with some story about dinosaur ghosts. That’s probably not true. We didn’t really talk unless we had to when we were younger.

Ever since she got to do that, and I learned it was an option I have always wanted to spend a night in the museum. I want to see dinosaur ghosts. The museum is big and there is so much going on. Recently there were animatronic dinosaurs and all sorts of interactive dinosaur stuff, but the there were so many kids I couldn’t play with nearly enough of that stuff.

How awesome would it be to bash zombies with a T-Rex fossil? Also there would be all those caveman tools that could be used to fight off zombies. If they could kill dinosaurs then surely they could kill zombies.

Ok so maybe there weren’t actually cavemen around at the same time as dinosaurs thus negating that argument. But cavemen probably killed other cavemen so their weapons are capable of killing zombies. Theoretically.

Since I have been pointing out how to pass the time when the inevitable end is nigh, make your way down to the planetarium and spend the final moments watching the creation of the universe. Or laser Floyd.

A Grocery Store.

This stems mostly from an episode of “Married With Children.” A heat wave forces the Bundy’s to seek the AC of the local grocery store. Ever since I saw Al Bundy in his tacky summer wear sitting in a lawn chair in front of the dairy case I’ve wanted to do that. That kind of makes me sad now that I that I’ve said it.

I think it has more to do with the idea that anything I could need would be right there. As a child I just assumed the store was the magic place where everything came from. Run out of juice at home, go to the store. So the idea was this endless supply of juice and junk food. And I was naïve and believed they would just give it to me for free. I mean shit, the Bundys weren’t paying for anything. I didn’t realize at the time that they were stealing because they are terrible people. Oh and it was television bullshit.

The main draw to a grocery store is the food. That’s really it. Just a basic survival tactic. I guess there’s some books and shitty toys to keep one amused.

This was actually a retarded choice. Everything else has some element of fun and you could enjoy yourself should it be the final moments of your life. Not the grocery store. That’s what I get for thinking anything the Bundys do might be fun.

A Zoo

Zoo’s have tall walls meant to keep animals in should they break free of their containment areas. Perfect for keeping zombies out. There are all sorts of habitats to keep you safe from the elements, or as possible hiding spaces. And all the animals mean you have possible fresh food sources. In the current world it would be fucked up to go hunting in a zoo. That’s not true in a zombie infested world.

Occupying a zoo at night would allow you to see the nocturnal animals doing more than lying around like someone committing disability fraud. God damned animals being put into a fake habitat then not entertaining me when I come to see them.

There’s something spooky about the idea of being at a zoo all night. From some reason this spooky aspect appeals to me.

Would it be possible for the animals to contact the zombie virus? This made up virus that currently has no set of rules? Because a zombie panther would scary as shit. Actually it probably wouldn’t be scarier than a wild panther. Human zombies lose all there cognitive and most of their functional skills, being reduced to a primal desire to sate an appetite. So it stands to reason that the zombie panther wouldn’t have the same hunting skills a normal panther would have. The sleekness, the stealth, the stalking ;that would all be gone.

Should a zombie attack happen these are the places where you could find me. Just because certain doom is clawing at the door doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun. What about you? Where will you go when the zombies come?

See ya in zombie hell…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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