Welcome back to the Cru Jones Society Love Lounge. This is where we take a dating or relationship advice column, and tear it to shreds. Why? Because most dating and relationship advice is ass. Every relationship is unique and each person trying to comingle naked with someone else is too. Writing generalist crap that perpetuates idiotic gender stereotypes does nothing to serve its audience, and in fact, actively hurts it.

But that’s why we’re here. It’s time once again to shine a light on dumb pop psychology and reductive, basal thinking. It’s the Love Lounge!

As always, we’ve got a link to the column presented in its entirety just to prove to you that I’m not making this shit up, with the original text in normal font, and my comments in italics. Today’s offering comes from something called MadeMan.com which looks like every other douche bag male advice site ever created. The writing is at least passably better than nexus of all evil AskMen.com, but the constructs still pretty much suck just as much. 4 Good Reasons To Lie To Your Girlfriend, (dogshit advice found here), 6 Hot Actresses That Almost Look Like Angelina Jolie (the most pointless idea ever, is there no editor here?), and The 5 Best Vodka Shots You Aren’t Drinking (which appears right near an article called “5 Drinks No Man Over 25 Shall Order” that chastises fru-fru shit – again, editorial consistency?) all appear on this website’s main page.

So it should surprise no one that I found awful relationship advice here either. Let’s get to it.

Warning! 7 Lies All Women Tell Men

By Emma Sarran

Once I saw that article title, I knew this was going to be Love Lounge worthy. Whenever someone carelessly tosses an absolute like ALL women into an article title, you can pretty much always expect a load of horseshit to follow.

Let me start by being completely, um, honest. Every once in a while, we ladies have been known to play a little fast and loose with the truth around you guys. Believe me, we do it with the purest of intentions (really!). And rather than try to change us, your best bet—for keeping your woman happy and your sanity intact—is to simply recognize what’s going on and be smooth about it.

Translation: You’re a moron, we’re ALL well-intentioned shrews, and you can keep making that derp face of yours because we know best.

With that in mind, here are seven lies we commonly tell men, and how to handle them. Just trust me on this stuff, OK?

That last line kills me. It’s like she knows that we know this article is a huge load, and is begging to be listened to. It reads pathetic. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where someone eats Ross’s Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich despite his knock knock joke discouraging them from doing so. “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Ross Geller’s lunch. Ross Geller’s lunch, who? Ross Geller’s lunch, please don’t take me. Okay?”

1. “Give me your completely honest opinion…”

What we really mean: “Tell me what I want to hear.”

Guh. Here we go.

What to do about it: I know, it’s confusing as hell. We say “seriously,” and “I really want the truth,” but the chances that we actually want the truth are about as good as the chances you want us to tell you that it’s OK, size really doesn’t matter.

Jesus Christ on a crutch, why is society so self-conscious about penis size? Every hacky TV show, dating article and mouth breathing jackass at work makes this observation, and the truth is it doesn’t fucking matter. Men, if your woman doesn’t like the size of your wang, break up with her and find someone who does, or buy a sports car. Women, if you don’t like the size of your man’s wang, break up with him and continue to peddle that pussy until you find a guy with a tube steak that turns you bowlegged. It’s that easy.

There are even times when women think we’re prepared for honesty and even then, when it comes out, it just plain sucks. So err on the side of safety (and of grateful-for-the-white-lie affection), and tell me…I’m hotter than that chick, this dress does not make my butt look big, my mom isn’t overbearing at all…and you’ll be golden.

And let’s never learn anything about ourselves to improve either! If you continue to lie to each other, all you’re doing is showing that you cannot be trusted. A couple weeks ago I tried to wear this black cashmere sweater under a gray suit that made me look like a grade-A jagoff. Lady E told me as much, which I appreciated. I like to avoid looking like a jagoff whenever possible. The other day Lady E wore a down vest over a t-shirt and asked if she looked like a douche bag. I told her I thought she’d be cold due to the wind that day, so she changed. When we got in the car, I added, “And you kind of looked like a douche bag in that.” Likewise, she appreciated not looking like a douche, although I suspect my forthrightness was somewhat off-putting. See, improvement! But by all means, keep lying to each other.

2. “I’m fine. Really.”

What we really mean: “I’m as far from fine as can be.”

And if you learn to understand tone, you’ll pick up on this one without any help from Emma here.

What to do about it: No matter how much it may seem we want you to leave us alone with that simple statement, we don’t. The worst thing you can do in this situation is say, “OK, good,” and end the conversation.

Question: Has any man ever even attempted this? Of course not. Even if she weren’t lying and really was fine, I think we’ve all been in enough conversations with women to know they don’t end that quickly. That’s just how it is with women. They have many more words allocated to them a day than men do, and by God, they have to get through them. By the way, I’m not judging this, just noting.

Instead, we want you to show some serious concern until we’re ready to actually voice what’s wrong. It’s all about making us feel like our happiness is a priority. Want some extra points? Throw in a line about how you’re not going anywhere until you’re sure everything is OK. We. Will. Swoon.

Waitaminute. Show actual concern for your woman? Get to the heart of what’s bothering her? Where am I? Did I accidentally stumble into some decent advice? I thought this was the Love Lounge. Gotta find the on-ramp again here.

3. “I’ve slept with X number of guys.”

What we really mean: “I’ve slept with just a few more than X number of guys.”

Ah, here we go.

What to do about it: Remember the “rule of three” made famous by American Pie? (Guys have slept with three fewer women than they say, and vice versa.)

American Pie 2: The spring of all good relationship advice.

Well, the magic number may not always be three, but the idea is founded in truth.  The reason we omit a few escapades from our history is because we’re ever fearful of being seen as “easy”—and don’t they all say that easy girls don’t land the guys in the long run?

Who says that? Have you ever heard anyone say this in your life, braindead romantic comedies and shows that have re-runs on Lifetime excluded?

Want the truth? Make us feel confident that your opinion of us doesn’t lie with our sexual history—and that no matter how many guys we’ve been with in the past, we’re still pure in your eyes.

I don’t disagree with this per se, but it’s a cynical as fuck belief that guys start and end their appraisal of you with your sexual history. If you’re with a guy who does, why are you even with him in the first place? He’s an idiot.

Simply reaffirming those things (and consistent acts of chivalry—flowers, romantic dates, time with our families and friends to show your interest outside of sex), will have us more inclined to be honest about our pasts, and to keep our bedroom doors open.

My advice: Be honest about this from the get go. If this is a relationship worth having, then this will be merely the first of many potentially difficult conversations and reveals you have to have. If a guy can’t handle something from the past that didn’t even involve him, then in the immortal words of Dennis Eckersley,“ fuck him.” And move on.

4. “Yeah, that was GREAT. I totally got off.”

What we really mean: “That was good, but I didn’t get off and I probably won’t. Now I’m tired and ready to spoon.”

Scene: Real World Hawaii house. Amaya follows Colin around going “Spoon me, Colin! Spoon me Colin! Aaaggghhh!”  This is all I can picture whenever someone brings up the term “spooning.” Amaya was annoying. Teck was great on that season. Then he put his mouth on Kumar’s cock pump in Van Wilder.

What to do about it: Don’t take it personally (well, unless this is a regular occurrence—then, you might want to try some new in-bed strategies). Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen for us—and that doesn’t mean the sex wasn’t good. Don’t badger us about what exactly was so “GREAT.” Simply accept our evaluation for the day and move on.

Regardless of however it went in the sack with your lady, don’t Monday morning quarterback it after the fact. Women hate that. I don’t really get it because part of the fun of sports (and sex is my favorite sport, by far and away) is analyzing the game over some beers. I’ll bet gay dudes can do this, which is a definite advantage of being gay. Otherwise, yes, do not analyze the performance, no matter how it seemed to go.

5. Oh my God, I LOVE sports!

What we really mean: “I love putting on a cute jersey and tossing back red-headed sluts while my hometown team is winning.”

In college I dated a girl who claimed to be a giant sports fan. So one night while we were out on a date, I said, “Okay, sports fan. Name for me the commissioners of the four major US sports.” Of course she couldn’t do it, which made her insecure and me feel like an asshole. I thought it was safe though, because to this day she’s the only girl I’ve ever known who played fantasy hockey. Maybe she was lying about that. I don’t know. Anyway, we didn’t date long after that. The weird post script to that story is that this was roughly 9 years ago, and the only commissioner that’s different is Roger Goodell.

What to do about it: Just humor us. It’s fun to jump on the sports bandwagon—and yes, sometimes we might be trying to impress you and your Sunday-Funday-inclined friends by joining in on the debauchery. But, chances are if you ask me any details about stats or players (at least post the championship ’90s Chicago Bulls dream team—yes, I’m looking at you, BJ Armstrong), I’ll come up short.

Again, why are you quizzing your girl about sports statistics? Just be happy she’s there and enjoying herself. Props on the BJ Armstrong reference though.

So, invite me to hang when you’re heading to your favorite sports bar every once in a while, and save the quizzes for your equally obsessed buds.

Here’s a tip for the ladies: If you want to blow a guy’s mind, learn 5 interesting facts from the world of sports, and drop one into a conversation where appropriate. As long as it’s not hilariously out of context like, say,  mentioning how Sergei Fedorov’s production dropped off after he allegedly married Anna Kournikova in a conversation about University of Oregon’s “blur” offense, dudes will love you for it. Lady E knew like one thing about the Houston Astros, and managed to drop that into a conversation with her supervisors who were from Texas a few years ago, and immediately got in their good graces. It does wonders.

6. “Sure, go out and have a guys’ night!”

What we really mean: “I’d really rather you hang out with me.”

Booooo. Duplicitous horseshit.

What to do about it: It’s not that we don’t want you to have your own friends, or your own life. We just want it to fit conveniently into our own lives. Translation: please try to plan your guys’ nights to align with my girls’ nights—and prepare for me to call and text you to meet up once my girlfriends start taking shots and pairing off with the gropey guys on the dance floor.

Or, how about you act like a couple of adults and let each other live your lives. And maybe if your friends continue to behave like jackasses, get better friends. Some people hang onto friends for much too long. If you’re growing apart and you don’t like to go to whatever dumbass haze of perfume stink and stripper glitter downtown anymore, then don’t. Find new friends. Lotta people in the world. Try some of them.

Another good time to hang out with your boys: when I’m out of town (though I’ll still secretly wish you were sitting in your apartment moping and waiting for my nightly phone call).

Jesus.

7. “I’ve never cheated on anyone.”

What we really mean: “I may have cheated on someone before, but I’m afraid that if tell you, you won’t think of me as sweet and relationship-worthy anymore.”

So instead of coming clean and unburdening my soul, I’ll just throw another 50 feet of crap on top of that repressed well of regret and make sure it explodes at the worst possible moment. Savvy!

What to do about it: Let’s face it—throughout time, we women have been scarred by the idea of guys who just want to get us into their beds, but keep our toothbrushes as far from their places as possible.

Eh, I ain’t mad at this. The media has done a tremendous job of brainwashing everyone, so undoing all those years of programming is daunting.

You “relationship” guys are few and far between, so sue us if we’re inclined to hold on tightly when we find one of you. And part of that may mean keeping mum on that one little slip-up we had after the sophomore year foam party. It’s possible that, if you sincerely assure us it won’t affect our current goings-on, we’ll tell you the truth—but don’t count on it. The fear of losing a could-be great love is one a lady doesn’t take lightly.

If at any point someone cheats, it’s likely because their relationship is unfulfilling, and thus, probably needed to end anyway. Lying only makes the problem worse. The thing that’s so maddening about this article is that the author acknowledges that the truth will come out eventually, but advocates for lying until the correct moment emerges, or fear abates, or whatever. Newsflash: There is no good moment to reveal difficult information. The only thing that makes it harder is having to undo some bullshit story you concocted out of fear the first time. The cover up is always worse than the crime. Ask Richard Nixon. Ask Bill Clinton. Just fucking come clean and you’ve everything that’s required of an ethical person. It’s then up to the other person how to react. And if they can’t handle the truth, then like I said earlier, fuck ‘em. And chalk another save up for The Eck.

That’ll do it for the Love Lounge this time. Word is, Emma Sarran’s got another 7 lies women tell out there as well. Maybe we’ll serve up another Love Lounge before this anniversary is over.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com