Welcome back to the Monday Confessional where we both lament the fact that it’s Monday and bare our souls for the betterment of our fellow human. Or we simply make fun of each other for the bizarre choices we make. Today’s prompt, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, which should provide an ample shitshow this year considering it’s on a Saturday, is: What would you wish for if a leprechaun granted you three wishes?
As always, staff responses are first, Regulars chime in afterward. If you forgot to confess this week, have a comment on a fellow confessor, or simply want to voice any opinion, please do so in the comments. We’ll have next week’s prompt at the article’s conclusion, so please join us here once again seven days from now. But first, your confessions.
Lee S. Hart: It seems like when I was a kid this question would have been a lot easier to answer but I probably would have done something stupid like wish for one copy of all the Marvel comics, when obviously I should wish for two copies of every Marvel comic, one in mint condition for the monetary factor, and one copy that I could actually read. I never understood having comics you couldn’t read, or toys you couldn’t play with. Actually, that doesn’t seem like a bad idea, my first wish is for two copies of every Marvel comic ever made, and ones yet to come. I will be able to read comics until the day I die. I would also be financially set so I could quit my job and read comics all day.
So that wish was merely to satisfy the child in me. My next wish would be slightly more practical, but still exist mostly to entertain myself. I wish I had the ability to amazingly play any instrument. I want to be able to walk up grab an instrument and just play the shit out of it like some kind of prodigy. And I’m talking all instruments from the guitar and piano to the sitar and theremin, ok maybe not the theremin. I feel like I could turn this into several different careers. I could live out the rock star fantasy, or I could create music for film or television, or join a symphony. Though in most likelihood I would end up on some street corner. That wouldn’t even bother me, I would just love to be able to play music well, and without practicing.
My final wish would be to have a day every few months where I could shut my brain off. I mean basic functioning would still be going on like breathing and knowing what’s going on and that shit. But I want to be able to not have all those other stupid thoughts going on. I want to just watch some movie without all the plot holes weighing it down, or consider all the consequences of what might happen if something smaller was changed, like what would have happened if John Lithgow had shot Harry when he had him in the sight? Suddenly I create this whole new movie of this family dealing with a dead bloody bigfoot on the second floor of their house. Or just block out all those little nagging things that exist in a day, what I need to get done, things causing worry, just those adult thoughts out there. Sometimes I don’t want these thoughts and just want to enjoy the flickering lights of the television or the vivid colors of all them comic books.
Senor Limon: When we were in college I once told Dagger that given the opportunity, I’d wish for a wallet that perpetually had a $20 bill in it every time I opened it. Knowing that genie wishes are often rife with the potential for the gains to be ruinous, I’ve always thought that this idea would be enough to significantly brighten my day to day existence but not change my life enough to really get me in trouble. I’ve always thought it would be nice to pick up any interesting trinket or treat along my way without any regard for how it would affect my bottom line. These days, stuff costs more than it used to, so I’d wish for a wallet perpetually filled with $100 instead.
Next, I’d wish for a Star Trek transporter so I could instantaneously beam anywhere in the world to spend all those $100 bills in all kinds of interesting places.
Last, I think I’d just go ahead and stop aging, actually I think I’d like to turn the clock back about three years and just be 27 forever.
E Dagger: When Hart and I conceived this question, we knew there was no way to really answer it without driving yourself insane, so we wanted to make sure no one overthought it too much and just had fun with it. Everyone came through brilliantly. So, in that spirit, here’s what Dagger wants.
1) The ability to shapeshift like Mystique from X-Men. Granted, I’d have to learn crazy kung fu and wirefighting techniques to pull off the full effect, but if I’m shapeshifting, you can bet your ass I’m not wasting my time in an office job ever again and I’m making money however the fuck I see fit. Part of me wants to do this for totally juvenile reasons (hanging out in the women’s locker room!), but a bigger part of me just wants to experience life in all the ways my graduate school professors told me I never could. What’s it actually like to live as a minority? As a celebrity? As a hot chick? This would be endlessly fascinating.
2) Prosperity and satisfaction for my friends and family. It really matters not in what form this comes, but as long as the people I love have what they need to feel contented and satisfied with their lives, I’m happy. This goes double for my wife, my parents, and my best friends. May they all find whatever it is they’re looking for, and may the end result be just as rewarding as the journey.
3) A more satisfying payoff to the WCW Invasion angle of 2001. When Vince McMahon bought WCW in 2001, every wrestling nerd’s wet dream came true. Since at least 1983, every fan had always fantasized about how their favorite guys would do against the best guys from the other company. Flair VS Hogan. Macho Man VS Sting. Goldberg VS Stone Cold. In 2001, that fantasy could have become a reality and everyone who ever liked wrestling rejoiced. Then we got a half-assed invasion featuring a bunch of also-rans that petered out with a whimper and a wet fart. It’s the most disappointed I’ve ever been as a wrestling fan. So, I’d like a re-do please. I don’t care if you implant it in my brain Total Recall style, I just want the memories of what should have been the culmination of 15 years of wrestling fandom living up to expectations. My life would be at least 6% better if this happened.
Jitterrawks: Hey guys! Welcome back! I’m impressed I only missed this by a week!
So, away with the wishes.
I didn’t even struggle with this one. When I was younger, I would have felt obligated to put something like “world peace” in the list…but I’m oddly comfortable in the idea that if I were given superpowers, I would instantly use them for my own gain, making me a super villain. So, all my wishes are primarily for my own gain. But if you’re cool, I will let you reap the benefits.
1. A two-way teleporter. I spend a ton of time every week driving places, so if I didn’t have to count on an extra 5+ hours of driving each week, I could be way more productive. Then, I could also travel to all the fun places I want to go, visit friends that are scattered all over, see my brother without the 30-hour flight, etc. etc.
2. Stiletto cushions for shoes that actually work. In my spare time, I spend a lot of time in 5” stilettos running around a cement track. Without fail, by hour 3, I’m useless.
3. Healthy food that tastes like what I actually crave. I, like several people I know, have gained some weight since the golden years of my early 20s. I’ve figured out the complete secret to getting back to the shape I was…stop eating junk food and exercise. But…I am fairly convinced that if I ONLY ate healthy, I wouldn’t have to work out very much. But healthy food is nowhere near as satisfying or delicious as say…chocolate cake.
Or…to summarize…I want to be healthier, travel the world and do it in 5” heels comfortably.
Dzayson: Hello again, friends. Tricky little hypothetical that you’ve thrown to your readers this week. My first inclination- and I’m sure I’m not alone here- was to use one of my wishes for extraordinary financial gain. But after a bit of honest contemplation, it’s clear that wealth and success are best when it’s earned the hard way. Same goes for matters of the heart, if that makes any sense. Having said that, here are my choices:
Wish #1: For Cru Jones Society to explode across the interweb, rewarding its talented staff of writers for all their inventiveness and hard work. Yeah, I know I’m playing to the home crowd on this one. And I know it seems like this may be a contradiction from my previous paragraph. But I think the rules change when you’re wishing good things for someone else. Right? Right!
Wish #2: The ability to instantly teleport myself anywhere in the world, for the rest of my life. Hey, I live in Los Angeles. The traffic is as bad here as advertised. And we all know how charming the TSA folks at the airport can be.
Wish #3: For Peyton Manning to sign with the Denver Broncos. As I write this, NFL.com has Denver listed as the likeliest team to sign the biggest free agent in the league’s history. Hey, I was won over, to an extent, by Tebowmania. I went apeshit when we beat the Steelers in OT. But Peyton Manning?!! He still has a lot of good football left in him, I believe. He could certainly impart his wisdom to our religious young quarterback (part of this wish is to ensure that Tebow doesn’t demand a trade, which he almost certainly would if this thing actually goes down). Sweet Jesus, the prospect of seeing #18 in orange and blue has been on my mind since Thursday night. I’ve been checking Twitter and my ESPN app for updates non-stop. Do it, Peyton. Fuck Miami! You really want to play against Brady twice a year? Fuck Arizona and their decrepit offensive line. And fuck Kansas City and their overrated barbecue! Sign with Denver, big guy! It’s a gorgeous city in a state that gets the same amount of sunshine as Southern California. And our G.M., whom you may have heard of, knows a thing or two about winning championships. Stop being a douchebag, Peyton! Sign with the Denver Broncos.
One: make me a prince
Two: save me from drowning
Three: free my genie
But that’s been done.
I’ve always wanted to be omniscient, however I feel that I wouldn’t be able to handle all that knowledge without going crazy. So instead I’ll go to school for ever. Also I could go for those super powers that I confessed for about a while ago.
So instead I’m going to ask for:
One: Lifetime of happiness
Two: Happiness for those around me
Three: Freedom from worry of money. I could ask to be rich but the freedom of worry would be much better.
CassieB: My 3 wishes:
Wish #1: Whirled Peas.
Wish #2: SANTORUM / KONY 2012 Republican Ticket.
Wish #3: A do-over bachelorette party. This party would be themed “Whitney.” Invitations would be sent out to my girlfriends in the form of ransom notes (letters cut out of magazines and glued on white paper). We would start in the mountains of Colorado, each with our respective bodyguards and crazy sisters. (In case you were wondering, Lady E would be a middle aged black lady who brings her 12 year old son along to win my heart all-the-while being envious of my gorgeous singing voice and performance skills.) After a botched blow up of a boat at the local pond we would move our party to the Beverly Hilton where we would end our fun filled event with Xanax, Champagne and bathtubs.
Rockies22: So I am not going to lie, I did a little research on how to answer this question. I found that people are very materialistic and ask for a big house or lots of money. Some people were very nice and asked for World Peace or to end world hunger, but seriously, how many people really mean that? I think the majority of people who say world peace are making that statement to better the impression people have of them. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who feel very strongly about world peace/ending hunger, but not everyone who makes that wish are genuine.
With that said, I came up with the following:
Wish number one: One for the homies – the cure for all cancers. I have lost people to cancer and I know most of the CJS readers have probably lost someone close to them from cancer as well. Moving forward, I would wish for a cure of all cancers so that no one will lose another person to any type of cancer. No one deserves to suffer before the die and that is what cancer does.
Wish number two: To travel to and tour all of the baseball stadiums in the country, new and old (like take me back in time to go see and tour our Ebbets Field). That would be a great dream come true. This wish would include up to 5 of my closest friends to go with me to do this as well.
Wish number three: To live a long and happy life with my beautiful wife. I don’t mean biblically long, just average lifetimes for men and woman long. That would be my last wish as most people pass away way to young or love way to long and can’t do anything for themselves which makes me sad. This would be my final wish from the genie because all we can ask for in life is to be happy and have a partner to enjoy life with.
Lady E: 3 wishes with Aladdin rules… That is tough!!
Ok, wish #1 that Dagger and I could by the house of our dreams for the mortgage we are paying now. Perfect home, brand new everything, exactly as we want it, but at the mortgage we have now. The home to grow into, stay in for decades, and love every aspect of.
Wish #2 the foresight to see how everything works out. I always say everything will work out how it is supposed to. I wish I knew how it worked out, take some of the stress away. (Yes, I know, some will say the surprise of it is what makes it amazing. I hate surprises.)
Wish #3 My Travel wish. I don’t need all the money or time off in the world, but I wish that no matter where I want to go, I have the time and money to go and travel how I want to travel. 3 week Mediterranean Cruise? Let’s leave first class for our presidential suite tomorrow! Maui, New York and/or Boston again? We are there! African Safari, done. With the guarantee of giraffes, lions, hippos and zebras! Trips to see CassieB and my niece and nephew whenever I want, easy like Sunday morning.
My wishes are not for the world, but it would be perfect for my world.
Alright, let’s do this:
1) 75 million dollars. Oh, everyone wants the money one, but then they always ruin it – “Give me ten thousand BILLION dollars!” See, that kind of dough is going to attract attention. Do you think the IRS is going to accept that a genie put the cash in your account? No, no they will not. But I figure with something less than 100 million, you can get away with it as some kind of lottery winnings or whatever, pay your 30%, and everyone will be happy.
2) Animal communication. Yeah, being able to talk with dogs or cats would be awesome, but it would probably get boring pretty quickly. No, I want to head down to the zoo and see what the zebras are thinking about. I bet those guys have great stories.
3) XRay vision. Obviously.
Mrs. Deuce: This is so challenging! Do I go with the three things I would wish for at this very moment? Or do I go with things I would normally wish? Okay, here it goes:
1) No more rheumatoid arthritis. Living without pain would change my life. I could do the things I wanted, have the hobbies I want and overall not be limited.
2) 5 million dollars. It’s not crazy excessive money but enough that if invested properly would last a long time.
3) That every outfit I saw and liked would show up in my closet in my size.
These things would make my quality of life better and allow me to do things that are more fun.
Next week, Andrew WK, who is one of the minor reigning deities of the Cru Jones Society, returns to Denver and plays through the entirety of his “I Get Wet” album to celebrate its 10-year anniversary. This should be an epic time, and serves to cross an event off our music bucket list. “I Get Wet” is easily one of the Top 5 albums we’d like to hear live played straight through. But that’s us. What about you?
Next week’s Confessional question is: What album would you most want to hear played live from start to finish? Do you go back in time to hear The Beatles do The White Album and blow the roof off the place? Do you check out The Clash in their prime? NWA doing “Straight Outta Compton?” Or, shit, is it as easy as checking out Strung Out doing “Twisted By Design,” which is eminently possible? (Ed note: That NEEDS to happen. So sick!) Whatever the case, we want to know! Send your responses to email@example.com and we’ll compare epic concerts here next week. In the meantime, the anniversary rolls on, and there’ll be at least four more new ones this week. Yeehaw!
Dagger & Hart
12 Mar 2012 CJS Staff