If ever there were two opposite things juxtaposed perfectly against each other, it’s the warm, steamy affectionate embrace of your shower with the cold, refreshing hoppy goodness of your favorite brew. Drinking a beer in your shower feels wrong the first time you do it – like you’re violating some unwritten rule of the universe or acting like Nicolas Cage’s reprehensible character in Leaving Las Vegas or something – but only gets better with practice.
Shower beer, we salute you.
More than a year ago, I wrote in to Drew Magary’s mailbag with the following (skip down to just before halftime on that link):
If I could pick one reason why I married my wife, it’s that she likes to celebrate great sex with a beer in the shower afterward. Shower beer is the best.”
Agreed. Know what’s even better? OUTDOOR SHOWER BEERS. I’ve been in a couple vacation houses that have outdoor showers, those things… My God. Makes you feel like you’re in one of the vignettes in a Playboy Centerfold video. I could spend eight hours a day in an outdoor shower drinking beer. It’s heaven.
First of all, holy shit! Outdoor shower beer? That’s like the ultimate right there. The closest I came to that was in 2005 at Punk Rock Bowling in Vegas when I was really hungover and took a bitchin’ shower in our shitty hotel room at the Gold Coast Hotel. That shower had a window to the outside and was shaped like some sort of escape pod on a spaceship. The breeze combined with the warmth, and the fact that I was so hungover it felt like I was still drinking beer… awesome. All showers need windows to the outside. And beers.
Secondly, Lady E rules. I cannot imagine her surprise at reading this right now, nor her further surprise that I wrote the above into some Deadspin guy over a year ago, but that’s part of the fun, right? And besides, shower beer! Sing its praises from the mountaintops and recruit any poor sucker who’s enjoyed their suds without any suds their entire lives, and turn them around.
I remember the first time I heard someone ask someone else if they’d ever had a beer in the shower. It was my buddy Braden, and I think my instinct was to recoil and scoff because, c’mon, what kind of alcoholics are we here? Then I remembered we were in college, which made us the funnest kind of alcoholics! I resolved to try this imminently.
So I chose George Killian’s because that seemed somehow apropos, and still does. Despite what beer snobs insist, I still best enjoy beer when it’s ass fucking cold. I know I’m not releasing the aroma properly, and diminishing the flavor profile, and whatever, but I don’t give a shit. Warm beer blows. Especially Rolling Rock. Ever gotten that served at less than 34 degrees or so? Skunk piss. Awful. So it was with that fear of heating up my trusty bottle of Killian’s that I took the maiden voyage into shower beerdom.
The water envelops you in cozy hug, the steam opens your pores bringing your skin to life, and the dull roar of the water hitting the bathtub frees your mind from its nagging drone of worry and anxiety. Given that state of relaxation, how is a beer not a perfect complement to that situation? So I reached for my Killian’s that now had beads of sweat on it like we’re drinking in the summer in the Midwest somewhere, and took a swig.
Malty, toasty, a touch sweet, and a clean finish. It was the Killian’s I knew and loved. And I was naked, and I was luxuriating in the place where we get our best thinking done. What had I been missing?!? I took another swig and placed the beer on my window sill near the shower, jazzed for the rest of my cleaning ritual. Shampoo – healthy sip – conditioner – another belt – body wash and loofa – refreshment! – toothbrushing? – eh, that better wait. This was the middle of the afternoon by the way, which you could get away with in college. I am too fucking old and square now to advocate that you drink beer on a weekday morning before work. I think that would qualify you as an alcoholic. Save shower beer for lazy weekends and after manual labor.
And if you can enjoy one after a roll in the hay with your ladyfriend/manpiece, all the better. It’s like having happy hour together. Naked.
Our hat (as well as the rest of our clothes) is off to you, shower beer. May you stay refreshing, may you make an otherwise good shower great, and may we start getting some proper shelves in our showers for your comfort.
Until next time…
14 Mar 2012 E Dagger