The Ides of March have come and gone, hopefully you made it through without being stabbed 23 times, and if you were at least you’ll have the all the St. Patrick’s Day beers to help you through such a traumatic event. If we may ask, what were you doing that led to so many stabbings? We see the problem there, you left the internet. Well, that’s why we’re here. We come with the gift of internet links to keep you inside and away from Roman conspirators and assassins. That’s right, we do all of this in hopes of keeping you safe.

Oh, and in honor of our 100th Happy Friday we give you 100 links!

Enjoy!

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Since it’s Friday that probably means at some point today you will be drunk. If that point has already arrived then you, sir or madam, may have a problem. We’re not here to judge, it’s your life, but there are options. There’s obviously AA and their 12 Step program, or for more one-on-one help there’s psychiatry, or you could just drop acid. A new study, based on an old study, has found that the use of LSD can potentially cure alcoholism. This seems more legitimate than that pot you’re taking for your back spasms, or the alcohol you take for your depression.

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Do you remember the 1997 Michael Douglas film The Game? Yeah me neither, though I did remember the poster. However Dagger did and it was on his list of CJS Quarterly Underrated Movies. But Mike D’Angelo of the A.V. Club did an exceptionally convincing job of telling us why we (not Dagger, the rest of us) were wrong for not seeing this movie, or wrong for seeing it and being disappointed. I was impressed to the point that I added this movie to my Netflix queue. If you do this I want to emphasize that it’s not the TV series starring Tia Mowry, but feel free to get that if you’d like, or “Sister Sister,” we’re not going to judge, mock, but not judge.

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There are three things you should always include to ensure a successful commercial, or at least a commercial we would enjoy. First always state that your product is fucking great. Second, bear costume! And finally try to work in the word “polio.” It’s often hard to get all three of these elements in one commercial what with standards and practices frowning on using the word “fucking” on television, oh and polio still fresh on people’s mind. The internet, however, lacks these moral standards and Dollar Shave Club took full advantage and made a commercial that meets our oddly specific commercial criteria. And they take Roger Federer down a notch, which he needs.

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Crabwalkin’

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You know how shows have titles? Do you also know how sometimes we ask retarded questions? If you don’t know that second thing, then look at that first question again. Maybe you don’t give a lot of thought to the show’s title, or maybe sometimes you hear one that is so ridiculous you’d rather read a shampoo bottle than watch the show. That is something networks and show producer try really hard to avoid. A lot of agonizing effort goes into the title. Some shows never see the light of day due solely to the inability to title it properly. After reading this piece we’ve narrowed the title of our sketch show down to these three options:  The CJS Sketch Show, The Real Deal with Bill McNeal, or Frasier. I would watch any of those shows, except Frasier, that show wasn’t really my cup of tea.

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Here’s some stuff about the internet.

So there’s this Twitter feed, @DadBoner, which I’m told is really popular. I was just looking over it and I don’t get it. I guess this is why I don’t handle the CJS Twitter account. I think some intern does. As Dagger mentioned yesterday this @DadBoner guy has some incredibly mundane tweets, though humorous, and the questions surrounding this is if this is made up and if so who is behind it? Deadspin.com set out to solve this mystery and it seems as though they didDagger mentioned yesterday how it’s a joy to watch something that pure. So I wonder why it was so important for Deadspin to unmask this man and to find out if this shit was real or not? What is this desire to pull back the curtain and expose the Wizard on everything? I suppose that is a question for another day and I should just commend Deadspin on their detective work.

In other internet shit…

There is no shortage of social media sites, but you may be clamoring for one that speaks more to you, your interests, and your desire to paint your face. If this is the case then have we got a site for you, Juggalobook.com! If you know what a Juggalo is then you have an idea what this is about. If you don’t know what a Juggalo is then we apologize for introducing you to such a nightmare. And if you’re like us and want to know what’s going on inside Juggalobook but don’t want to create an account out fear of contracting virtual hepatitis then check out this review from a non-Juggalo who bravely went down that rabbit hole.

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We need a palate cleanser after all that. How about some Weird Al inspired artwork? Yes, that will do nicely. Oh, ok, here’s a polka medley too.

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This year two of our favorite bands turn 20 years old. Twenty years of bringing the rock! Both of these bands have created videos  to celebrate this milestone. Both videos essentially just feature shots and videos of the band being the band and being friends. It’s hard to remember life before these bands rocked our lives and we can only hope for at least 20 more years of rock. I bet you’d like me to tell you which bands I have been talking about, but I think you’ll get more satisfaction out of just clicking the links instead. Enjoy!

Did someone say segue? No? Well, fine we’ve never needed a segue before. This is the part where we remind you about the Monday Confessional, and this week it’s music related: What album would you most want to hear played live from start to finish? Do you go back in time to hear The Beatles do The White Album and blow the roof off the place? Do you check out The Clash in their prime? NWA doing “Straight Outta Compton?” Or, shit, is it as easy as checking out Strung Out doing “Twisted By Design,” which is eminently possible? (Ed note: That NEEDS to happen. So sick!) Whatever the case, we want to know! Send your responses to staff@crujonessociety.com and we’ll compare epic concerts here next week.

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Virginia Heffernan wrote this fantastic piece concerning the recent state of the GOP campaign. The title sums up the piece, The Body Politic: This campaign needs more women and less gynecology (that’s usually the motto for a CJS party). But the title is just the tip, the whole article is so eloquently written and every point is, well, on point. It even makes sense when she says Katie Couric was important to the 2008 election.

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There are a variety of reasons a show is canceled: low ratings, terrible title, legal troubles for the star. But HBO’s Luck has given us a brand new reason for cancelation, dead horses. Luck was a show that revolved around horse racing and a third horse died this week during production prompting HBO to end the show. A THIRD HORSE! That means there had already been two dead horses, but apparently three is the breaking point. We’re not horse fans, but we do feel bad for them. At least we can’t stop trying to like this show.

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You can still get all your horse racing fixes in a Las Vegas sports book. What a great city! From gambling to prostitutes to open containers, it seems like a town where anything goes. Turns out it only seems that way. There’s actually quite a bit that has been banned from Las Vegas. And apparently I think 11 qualifies as “quite a bit.” All of these things make sense to us. Even the lap dances ban, and really that seems like it could be beneficial to the customer. We’re not saying Vegas strippers are disease infested slut rags, but we are very much so implying it.

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Normally some beer and perhaps a Beirut table is all we, and most people, need to party. Others feel they need more, like a water pistol that fire a whole beer straight down your gullet. In our day we only needed a key and the ability to pull the beer tab, then again we’re purest and also kind of old.

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Holy shit! How did we get this far without talking about baseball? What I mean is, for the ladies we held back on the baseball until now, yeah, that’s the ticket. But this is more than just baseball, this is baseball and magic! New Rockies right fielder Michael Cuddyer takes up hobbies and like he does with baseball, he goes at them with 110%. One of his hobbies happens to be card tricks and he demonstrates one for all of us. Let’s just hope he makes balls disappear over the outfield walls.

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Sesame Street is a show that has and continues to teach children important life lessons, like how to count, giant birds have giant nests, and that the world is full of scary ass shit. I would just like to recap this as a list of supposed scary Muppets and drawings; scary felt, paper, and ink. Maybe I’m just an asshole for believing Sesame Street to be a safe place and seeing nothing scary there at all. Then again there was like 5 years when I wouldn’t let E.T. be played in our house, so who am I to judge.

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Have a safe and enjoyable St. Patrick’s Day every one!

Happy Friday! And more annivesary posts next week! Slainte!

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com