It’s only fitting that we wrap up our 4th Anniversary with an article conceived in the early spirit of this website. It’s Wednesday evening as I type this and I’m hungover and exhausted after three nights in Vegas with Lady E. I have no creativity in me whatsoever, and all I can hear in my head is the ambient cacophony of slot machines all around me.
And while not always hungover, I remember many nights early in CJS’s existence when for whatever reason the creative well was empty, but we pressed on for the sake of our growing empire and managed to fire off something or another.
This is one of those times. And in this case, let’s lean on a familiar trope and fire off some easy comedy. Let’s answer some hypotheticals and have some fun!
Taken from hypothetical-questions.com, I’ve taken 10 of the most popular questions and answered them as only I can. Let’s do this. Daddy’s hungover.
If you could change sex for a week, would you do it? Do you think it’s easier being male or female?
This is way too fucking easy. Of course you change sex for a week. It’s only a week, and you’ve always wondered what it was like to diddle the opposite body part, only on yourself. Getting to go back is the easiest clincher in the world, which is what made Cocoon: The Return such a frustrating movie. When I was a kid and posed with this question, I always said, “Yeah! And I wouldn’t leave the house!” I was referring to the rampant onanism that would result in me suddenly having indiscriminate access to a vag for the first time, but thinking back on it now, I didn’t even need lady parts for my rampant onanism to keep me chained in the house all the time anyway. I used to stay in on Friday nights to watch softcore porn by choice, for God’s sake.
No, knowing me, I’d probably turn into a lady, spend like a half a day just ogling myself in the mirror and getting down on my new equipment, then I’d probably spend the rest of the week trying to get lesbians to do it with me too, but failing, considering I haven’t had to sling any new game in almost 8 years. Or, wait, where is Lady E in this scenario?
To answer the second part of the question: It’s got to be easier being a male because we still largely exist in a patriarchy. When you make the rules and hold the keys to the stadium, that seems like it’s probably easier than the alternative. But seriously, that’s not even a hypothetical, so we’ll move on.
Would you rather be deaf or blind?
If I go blind, that means the three grand I spent on Lasik was wasted, so there’s financial incentive involved here for me. But still, I think the answer is deaf. If you’re blind, that means relying on the non-dickishness of strangers at all times including not getting fucked on receiving change for your $20 on that pack of Altoids, and trusting that some asshole neighborhood kid hasn’t left his fucking tricycle out on the sidewalk for your blind ass to trip over everyday. Buttfor would inevitably tie himself up in my feet, and I’d end up dead in a heap at the bottom of the stairs while merely trying to get down there for Better Cheddars and Auction Hunters re-runs. No one wants to go like that.
That’s not to say deaf wouldn’t blow ass either. No more podcasts. No more elegant Tegan & Sara melodies. No more MASTODON~! And how does one sign sarcastically? That’s a major weapon gone right there. But on the other hand, no more listening to teenage girls say anything ever again. No more car alarms bothering you at work that you somehow still hear 22 floors up. No more fucking dubstep either. Yeah, deaf wins this by a mile.
Would you rather get uglier or dumber?
Uglier. You’re probably getting uglier already – it’s called aging – so what’s the fucking difference? Dumber is tempting because stupid people are much, much happier, but I just saw a whole bunch of slackjaws in Vegas, and I’d hate to turn into that. Especially if it happened gradually until one day I realize I’m wearing a tank top buying a decal of Calvin peeing on something while thinking how wrong it is for the gays to get married as that buff black dude asks me simple questions I get wrong on Repo Men and they tow my car away. Blech. I’ll take ugly over stupid.
If you got to choose between fifty years of being incredibly happy or to live forever and be unhappy what would you choose?
Is this really one of the most popular hypothetical questions? How is this even a contest? The answer is 50 years of happiness without even thinking about it. Living forever already sounds like misery, so having a definitive end date could rule. Especially if you’re Christian and believe in the sky cake, as Patton Oswalt calls it. You could throw a giant death party with heroin and topless chicks and Sriracha and beer and invite all your friends as you shuffle off this mortal coil in style. If you want to live forever and be unhappy, just go work for the government in a BLM office. It’s that easy.
If you were a superhero, which of your friends would you pick as your sidekick? And what would your respective powers be?
My sidekick would be Senor Limon just because it would annoy the piss out of him to have to be the sidekick. I’d be Daggerman, and I’d be like the T-1000 from Terminator 2 where my arms and shit can turn into Daggers. I’d hack through the Nicaraguan jungle with my Dagger arms where I’d take down the drug kingpin after an awesome knife fight that was filmed complete with helicopter shots and Spanish chicks in torn white dresses exclaiming sexy things while the villagers cheered at the demise of their oppressor. Obama would team up with a newly re-hydrated Dwight Eisenhower to install a democratic republic that would empower the rest of Latin America to economically evolve and prosper. NAFTA would mean something again. Senor Limon would use his astonishing powers of citrus to freshen everyone’s drinks at the victory party. Also, he has giant spring legs that allow him to run like the Iron Giant.
Which island would you rather be stuck on – the one from “Lost” or “Gilligan’s Island”?
Gilligan’s Island, no question. You could bang either Ginger or Mary Ann (or both! I’m Aldous Snow in this fantasy!) because Gilligan and The Skipper were clearly gay for each other. Plus, you’d get to meet the Harlem Globetrotters. I didn’t watch Lost, but I’d hate to become part of a collective metaphor for lack of payoff. Plus, Gilligan’s Island fans won’t annoy you for a half hour with conspiracy theories and shit.
If you had to travel 100 years into the past or 100 years into the future, which would you choose?
100 years in the past puts you in 1912 – Titanic sinks, Olympics in Stockholm, US occupies Nicaragua (can I have my superpower here?), First Balkan War begins, fucking Piltdown Man fools the masses until 1953, ecstasy is invented on Christmas Eve.
100 years in the future puts you at 2112 – the Japanese proposed Shimizu Mega-City Pyramid could be complete sometime in this decade, the first Hunger Games happen, Wall*E directive A113 was secretly sent to the autopilots of the starliners to keep humanity in space due to rising toxicity levels, Rush’s song about this year is mistakenly thought to be based on Ayn Rand’s book “Anthem” which takes place around this time, Jay Leno is still hosting The Tonight Show.
I say 100 years in the past because at least there’s alcohol, you have the 20s to look forward to, and you can blow all the new ecstasy freaks with techno music you smuggled back in time with you. Awesome. The future looks rough no matter if The Hunger Games or Wall*E is right. Either way you’re fucked. The past is assured, the future is not. Go with the sure bet.
If you had to be stuck in a TV show for a month, what show would you pick? And what character would you be?
Kramer from Seinfeld. When George finds out Kramer’s going to a fantasy camp, he explains Kramer thusly: “Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that’s a fantasy camp.”
Would you rather have 4 legs or 4 arms?
Four arms, of course. Then you’re Goro and you rule Outworld with Shang Tsung. Just watch out for the nutshot from pretty boy Johnny Cage in the tournament. Four legs means never finding pants that fit ever again. And I don’t like pants shopping as is.
If you could only eat one type of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Tombstone Pizza, if we’re talking only one food, period.
Mexican food, if we’re talking about a type. By the way, Diablo’s Cantina in the Monte Carlo has excellent tacos. And Pink Taco in the Hard Rock has awesome food too. Play craps at the Hard Rock while you’re there. Say goodbye to the Dealertainers forever. Get a hookah at V-Bar. Check out the Guinness store in Mandalay Bay. And tune into tomorrow for Happy Friday.
Thanks for indulging this little anniversary shindig of ours. We love you.
29 Mar 2012 E Dagger