Between Ron Burgundy announcing an Anchorman sequel and trying to figure out if Dagger’s hypothetical question about four legs would mean I have two wangs, my Friday has plenty of distractions. However, others aren’t as simple as I am, and for those people we offer our usual collection of distractions such as Lionel Richie, we know it’s him you’re looking for; a house straight out of a video game, and no it’s not Tetris; fireworks! And we may even teach you how to underline the fuck scenes! Enough jibba jabba, let’s rock this bitch!

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The biggest spectacle in sports entertainment is this Sunday, no not Tebow’s Jets conference, that was Monday. We’re talking Wrestlemania! This year marks the 25th Anniversary of the event that defined what Wrestlemania is and would become. Of course I’m talking about Savage versus Steamboat, the greatest match in wrestling history. Also there was that Hulk Hogan versus Andre The Giant thing that maybe you non-wrestling folk have heard about. Either way there are rumblings that this year’s Wrestlemania will live up to the standard set by Wrestlemania III. For a better breakdown, which I’m sure you’re all clamoring for, comes courtesy of The Masked Man who hails from Grantland. We’ll be watching it at the country bar if you want to join us.

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Speaking of country music, Lionel Richie is now a country superstar. Yes, that Lionel Richie. It seems as though his music has been resonating more with country artist than it has with modern R&B. So Richie moseyed on down to Nashville and recorded a country album. We say good for him in branching out, and good for the country stars for being more diverse than the young me would have expected. And good for Darius Rucker for comparing Richie to the Beatles. While I think this is all great, I was a little disappointed as this article seems like it was written by a high school junior.

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One of my favorite shows that was cancelled before it’s time was Better Off Ted. Anyone remember that show? It wasn’t created by Chuck Lorre nor did it have zombies, so it went relatively unnoticed. But the A.V. Club definitely took noticed and gave us some great insight about how most modern television tends to go about their shit ignoring racial issues but one certain episode of Better Off Ted put right back in the forefront and reminded us that were still pretty ignorant and can’t just ignore the fact we’re different colors. I clearly cant’ capture the ideas as well as the article so just read it already, then seek out Better Off Ted and watch those. What else do you have to do?

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Speaking of shows nobody watched, The Clerks: The Animated Series could be making a comeback. Our only response to this is who is driving this comeback? Bear is driving!? How can that be?

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On Futurama, many characters get around town through a system of tubes. Well it looks like the brilliant writers of the show have predicted the future, as is often the case of sci-fi writers. Science type people, also known as scientist and engineers, are working on a tube system that would allow a person to circumnavigate the globe in mere hours. While the thought of traveling somewhere more quickly is enticing, I must admit this sounds terrifying. Confined to a tube and traveling at speeds reaching 4,000 mph, holy shit. Just thinking about it is causing anxiety. Let’s move on.

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Traveling places by tube might help put an end to the Hamburglar, which apparently is a real thing and not just some character created to sell hamburgers. I’m a little surprised more homeless people don’t do this. Or maybe they do. I guess I’m just happy no one has stolen my hamburgers. I think I would lay into them the way Homer does when he gets that job as a Krusty. That’s not true at all. I’m such a pussy that I would never do that, plus there is a good chance that anyone to snatch a bag from the drive thru like that is crazy as shit.

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Does this house remind anyone else of one of the fortresses in “Zelda: A Link to the Past” for the Super Nintendo? For that reason alone I would really like to buy this house. If anyone is willing to give me $10.9 million dollars that would be great. I’ll even slay the creature guarding the place and let you have the piece of the Triforce, or whatever it was you got when you defeated those guys in that version of Zelda.

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We were under the impression that something as cool as an explosion at a fireworks factory could only happen in the movies. Once again Thailand shows us that we were wrong. Though we were hoping there’d be more fireworks and it would be less like a building burning down. Get it right Thailand, assholes.

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Ever wonder if your favorite celebrity is reading that Tweet you posted about them? No? You don’t think of celebrities as real people with feelings and emotions? I guess that’s only fair considering you put them up on that pedestal. But sometimes they do read them, and sometimes they read them out loud when Jimmy Kimmel has a camera on them. This is one of those times.

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A tattoo can say a lot about a person, though it seems more often than it not the thing it’s telling is that the person is a fucking moron. Here are some pictures of tattoos that tell us the owners are dumbass sports fans. At least it’s a quick way to identify someone we don’t want to talk to. And apparently Jesus played for Manchester United.

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In light of the recent New Orleans Saints hit incentive incident or fiasco or whatever the shit you want to call it, it’s easy for the mind to go directly to Reggie Dunlop putting a bounty on an opposing player in one of the favorite movies of CJS, Slap Shot. We will watch this movie any time it’s on and we mostly believed it was because the movie is both awesome and funny. But as Deadsin.com points out, it might also be due to the fact that Slap Shot is the only honest sports movie there is. One reason we included this article in Happy Friday was to make it look mean.

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The baseball season officially starts next week and we couldn’t be happier! Right now teams are making their final decisions about who is on the team and setting the starting rotation. And as much as we dislike the Cardinals around these parts, we are hoping this guy makes the squad. He has the best name in all of sports, and a great back story to boot. If you want the real story as to what’s going on here, the production truck had no idea who this guy was and decided that was the best graphic to put up for him. Oh late innings in a spring game, how no one gives a single shit.

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Happy Friday, because the rest of the week is like a bear punch to the dick.

 

Enjoy the weekend and thanks for spending our anniversary with us!

Lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com