There is an ad campaign for some casino right now using a made up creature called the quadracorn, which is essentially a four horned unicorn. But this quadracorn is owned by some dick cheese who rides it to the airport, and if that isn’t bad enough, instead of tying this creature to the hitching post that are outside all major airports, he rides it inside and is able to get all the way to security and through the metal detector. It’s boggling how this is possible, it’s even more amazing than the mythical creature itself. But the point here is this commercial is fucking stupid. The other point is that for all the awesomeness that can arise from having a mythical or non-existent creature there are plenty of stupid reasons that come with them as well, even if it is just enhancing the jackassery that already resides within people.

With that I have thought about the mythical or non-existent creatures I wish were real and why each one of them would be a stupid mistake. Let’s set the snare and round us up a menagerie.

Dinosaurs

If you’ve read the book Billy and the Cloneasaurus then you already know all the terrible things that will come from living in a world with dinosaurs. If they don’t kill us all in an effort to sate an insatiable appetite, there’s a likelihood we’ll be casualties of their dinosaur war. Or they’ll eat all the meat sources forcing us into vegan lifestyles in which case I will kill myself.

So all the imminent death aside, it would be so cool to live with dinosaurs. I thought I outgrew the love of dinosaurs, then I went to the history museum and I couldn’t wait to get to the dinosaur part. And as an adult, I didn’t have to! I raced up those stairs and quickly I was morphed into Dr. Alan Grant. I love the idea of looking into the sky and seeing a soaring pterodactyl. Or imagine triceratopses with the bulls in Pamplona. There is nothing I don’t like about the idea of living in a world with dinosaurs. Even being killed by a dinosaur is my number one way to die. Dammit, why aren’t there dinosaurs any more!?

Mogwai

For those who don’t know what a mogwai is, and can’t place it from the picture of Gizmo there, a mogwai is a gremlin before it becomes a dick. And as you can see it’s very adorable. It looks incredibly soft, and I would wager it’s a thousand times better than a cat. If I recall correctly, Gizmo became obsessed with the movie Rambo. This means you actually just relax, watch a movie with a mogwai, and talk at it about the movie and it might actually give a shit. Other pets hardly flinch when you say anything to them about whatever you’re watching, not a mogwai. Basically I want a mogwai because it would be a movie watching buddy.

The problem with mogwais is they have too many complicated rules. Ok there are only three rules, but they are all complicated. If you expose a mogwai to sun light they die. In order to keep one you have to live like some weirdo hermit or keep it in a closet or box or wherever you put your pet rock. Might as well get a goldfish. Which brings up rule number two, don’t get them wet, that’s how they multiple. Ever tried to keep an animal dry? There’s always bound to be some splash back. And you can’t watch the mogwai 24/7; it’s going to come into contact with water at some point. You’ll come home to a house over run with little furry things. It’s like that one episode of “Star Trek.”

Then there’s the most confusing rule: don’t let it eat after midnight. When exactly is that? Is it only within that midnight hour (she cried more, more, more)? Technically 3 am is after midnight, and by that logic, since we use a repetitive time cycle it’s always after midnight. And since we live in a world with staggered time zones, how do we know that the mogwai is synched with the time zone it lives in? Do we have to adjust accordingly with Daylight Saving Time? There are way too many variables for this rule to make any sense. And if this rule is broken that’s when we get gremlins and that’s when shit gets real. We’re more fucked with these than with dinosaurs, and we’re not even sure when they’re going to show up.

Dragons

This is not the same as dinosaurs! Dinosaurs will attack you and kill you just because they fucking can. Dragons only do that if you’re fucking with them or their shit. Dragons barely give a shit about whatever the hell you’re up to, as long as it doesn’t involve them. Also dragons breath fire which is totally badass. Also apparently dragons can be trained and you can fly them and shit. A dragon ride would be so much better than an airplane. Well, maybe not better, planes do offer speed and comfort. But definitely cooler. Oh you rolled up in a limo. That’s cool, I’m just on my dragon!

Another benefit of dragons is there will no doubt be douche bags who get in there head to go slay one and they’ll just end up getting fucked up. Darwin awards in action to the extreme.

With dragons we are all going to be burned or die of smoke inhalation. Every summer Colorado and California and probably some other states battle wildfires caused by lightning and dumbass humans. That will only increase when we introduce a wild animal that breaths fire with no discrimination. There’s going to be so many more wildfires. Everything will be fried.

Bigfoot

All my better judgment and knowledge tells me that I should know bigfoot doesn’t exist, but like Mulder I want to believe. I have always been fascinated by bigfoot. I can’t explain it; maybe it’s the hanging out in the forest and being all stealthy and shit. Or maybe I became overly enamored with Harry from Harry and the Hendersons. Whatever the case, I am a bigfoot fan. Though not to the point where I would go on some stupid ass search or set up cameras or even watch whatever that show is with the hillbillies searching for bigfoot. It’s always jerkwad idiots who make all us bigfoot believers look like dummies.

I imagine hanging out with a bigfoot would be similar to hanging out with Shaq, only more articulate. Or you would just hang out in the woods foraging for berries and shit. Maybe you could learn how they do that super ninja stealth thing. It would probably be that perfect combination of hanging out with a dude and an animal.

That’s where the down fall would come from too; unaware of its own strength and operating mainly on instinct. One misstep and you’re getting your arm ripped out of its socket. Also, what have they been hiding from? Maybe they’re super anti-social and we wouldn’t to hang out with them. Or they think they’re better than us and will not hesitate to talk at length about how they are a superior species, then a race war will break out, and whose side do you think the apes will take? Oh my god, Rise of the Planet of the Apes got it wrong. It wasn’t chemicals, but bigfoot that lead to the overthrow of mankind. We’re all doomed.

At least we are when I get too into my made up scenarios.

What mythical creatures do you guys wish existed?

In the end it’s all a question of Hart.

Lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com