Welcome to the 5th Annual (and Final!) CJS Kentucky Derby Awards. The 138th Annual running of the Kentucky Derby Awards brings to a close our time together here on the interwebs, and it’s almost like the universe knew we were throwing in the towel and decided to send us off in style with the alcohol equivalent of a massive Viking funeral. Valhalla here we come!
So join us for one last romp during the sport of kings where we ogle the mancandy wearing gorgeous suits, we make references to movies that are 20 years old and laugh hysterically about them, and the big winner of the day is somehow Nate Diaz.
The 5th Annual Kickoff to Summer Cocktail Award
Winner: The Countdown
So every year we scour the internet (read: Do 10 minutes of research in drink databases inbetween trips to Cracked and Deadspin) looking for a new cocktail to enjoy during the year’s most opulent drinking holiday. This year Hart’s first suggestion was the Colt .45 which contains gin, Jagermeister, and Red Bull. The name is apropos because you’d be better off shooting yourself than drinking that fucking nasty mop water. Gah!
Hart eventually stopped badgering Dagger via text message and settled on The Countdown. The best cocktails are the simplest ones, and this one is no different. Here’s how it’s done:
2 oz genever gin 3 oz blood orange juice 2 dashes of Angostura aromatic bitters blood orange slice for garnish
Put it in an Old Fashioned glass, stir well, add bitters. Voila! Delicious. Blood orange is highly underrated as a flavor, and needs to be in more shit. Dagger had some blood orange sorbet in DC, and fuck my tits, it was incredible. Blood orange vodka and Sprite with the Dagger family secret ingredient makes for the best cocktail no one in the world drinks, but should. In short, blood orange’s perfect balance between sweetness and tartness makes mouths happy better than that cheating whore Twizzlers ever could.
But it will make the drunk sneak up on you, which, well, read on.
Slave to Social Convention Award
Winners: The CJS Crew
We’re adults now, why do we still try to drink like the kids we used to be in college? We could simply enjoy a few Countdowns as we count down (HAWR! You’re gonna miss that keen wit!) to race time mixed with a couple beers. Nope, gin + a case of beer + Buffalo Trace bourbon is how we roll. We polished off the remainder of one of the New Amsterdam bottles Dagger had, cashed that case of beer, and put a healthy dent in the Buffalo Trace. All in all, a successful day for three seasoned problem drinkers.
You’d think this would have destroyed all of us based on that performance, but hangovers are the fucking roulette wheel of life. Dagger was annihilated Sunday managing only to accomplish watching Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade as well as Borat, Lady E had a mild touch of the next day bottle flu, and Hart escaped unscathed. The mysteries of the human body never cease.
Undisputed Flip Cup Champions of the Universe
So, after a whole day of horse drinking followed by a game of Beirut, and casual drinking during four great fights thanks to UFC on Fox, what’s the proper way to cap off the night? If you answered “Flip Cup,” congratulations! You have a drinking problem! Come by the CJS offices to claim your prize! (The prize is booze.)
Down the way from the Dagger Lair is the president of their HOA. She is a lesbian. And every so often, she has a party. At this party? A ton more lesbians. Warning to all the dudes reading this who haven’t been around this many lesbians at the same time: It’s not nearly as hot as it sounds. Although Sportscenter was on, and everyone was watching it. That was pretty great.
So Hart, Lady E and Dagger wander into this party where the two wang-carrying members immediately begin to feel uncomfortable. No one does anything outwardly off-putting, you’re just suddenly aware of how fucking heavy that y chromosome you’re carrying is. And instead of engaging in the Beirut match we wanted, the group, almost in a solid display against patriarchal oppression, all decides Flip Cup is the superior choice.
So we play. And play and play and play. We go through a whole rotation, which is usually enough and the point where everyone takes a break. Not this group. We go around again. At this point Hart and Dagger are filled to the brim with Bagel Bites and pretzels and Tombstone Pizza and shit, and have to throw in the towel. Dagger pretends to go to the bathroom back at the Dagger Lair, but just leaves. Hart follows. Lady E sticks around for a bit, and upon returning, informs the weary gents they got their balls BUSTED by the chicks who pounded the shit out of them at Flip Cup.
Which brings us to our final point. We can’t ever remember a bunch of dudes getting super jazzed over playing Flip Cup. It’s almost always the women in your group who instigate it, and then who insist on keeping it going well past reason. So, fine. We’re calling the fight.
Ladies: You are the undisputed champions of flip cup. Congratulations. We’re going to sit down now.
The Andele Andele Mommie E.I. E.I Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Award
Winner: Javier Castellano
Javier Castellano raced the day before the Kentucky Derby and fell off his horse. He fell off an animal racing at speeds of 35 mph into a field of other animals all racing and all weighing a fuck ton, that’s standard weight, not metric, and he didn’t die. Not only did he not die but he walked away with a minor abrasion on his face. Or at least he would have walked away if ambulances and EMTs weren’t so reactionary and carried him off in a stretcher. He did get a nice cheek bandage making him as cool as Nelly. You guys remember Nelly? Sure you do, he tried to convince the nation “here” was spelled “herre.” Despite not dying, we still don’t want to ride with Javier, but props to him for being the toughest jockey we’ve seen this year.
Lady E’s Least Favorite Joke of Derby Day
Winner: E Dagger, with his simple Tweet: “Does Eli Manning have Down Syndrome?”
That was much funnier when we were drinking, but do we not have a point? Look at that goofy mug of his. Anyhoo, that one’s got nothing on our absolute favorite Tweet from the day thanks to @JennyJohnsonHi5: “There should be a horse at the Kentucky Derby named, ‘Your Wife Looks Like A Stuck Up Cunt In That Hat.’”Twitter’s the best. Speaking of which…
Best Distraction Award
Winner: Adam Savage
There was a segment discussing some of the horses’ Facebook page. We began to mock this only to remember CJS follows Chewbacca (@Chewbacca) on Twitter. But then Twitter recommended we follow Adam Savage (@donttrythis) and were treated to this gem. And just like watching Mythbusters, we were hooked and stopped our Derby coverage long enough to be impressed. Also, we decided we need a license to operate heavy machinery, not for any real reason, just stupid bullshit like Adam and Jamie.
The Fuck Work Award
Winner: CJS Regular Rockies22
While stuck at his job on a Saturday, Rockies22 managed to watch the Derby coverage and follow his favorite local humor conglomerate as they live Tweeted the events. He kept up with us and enjoyed all the jokes Lady E did not. And for that Rockies22, we salute and appreciate your loyalty to the Derby, to CJS, and your disregard for job! Your next Countdown cocktail is on us.
He’d Have Our Vote In a Heartbeat Award
Winner: Barack Lesnar
Not to start a political war around here, but no matter how you feel about Obama, melding his genes with Brock Fucking Lesnar’s genes would no doubt give us the most badass president in history! But that’s really not fair since you could pretty much pair up Lesnar with any president and end up with the most badass president in history. Even a shitty one like Andrew Johnson or Zach Taylor would benefit from a giant corn-fed mutant body and that bitchin’ sword tattoo on their chest. I suppose to sum up: Brock Lesnar should be president.
Born to Lose Because You’re Poorly Named Award
Perpetual winner of the Ashley Shaffer Award, Bob Baffert admitted Bodemeister was named for Olympic skier Bode Miller. You may not remember Bode Miller made a billion bold predictions and was expected to ski his way into the hearts of America much like Michael Phelps swam his way into our hearts. However Bode did not live up to these expectations as he decided to live up to his parting standards and create a reckless performance. We’re not saying this is the reason Bodemeister lost the lead to a horse coming from the 19th slot, but we’re not denying. There’s a good reason no one has named their horse Hindenburg.
The You’re Not Randy Moss Award
Winner: Randy Moss
NBC kept trying to pass that bald white guy off as Randy Moss. We weren’t buying it. Everybody knows this is Randy Moss.Though as we look at both of these pictures, we can understand how NBC could confuse the two men.
Big Brown Upside Down Award Sexual Innuendo of the Year
Winner: Pennington Lawn Care Buttsex Grass Seed
Alright, so their product wasn’t actually called Buttsex Grass Seed, but that’s what we all called it when Lady E realized the commercial for Pennington Lawn Care used the same music as Brokeback Mountain. This is probably the weakest winner of this award ever, but goddamned if it wasn’t funny at the time. I wish I knew how to quit you! I can’t get by on a couple of high altitude fucks a year and be happy about it! I need Pennington Grass Seed all the time!
The Homoerotic Award
Winner: Aaron Rodgers
This award is not for Aaron Rodgers doing anything homoerotic, but for the weird feelings he brought in us. First he showed up in one of the finest suits we’ve seen in a long time. Second he’s just a handsome man. That’s just fact. On the back of his Topps trading card there is a stat for handsomeness and he’s at a perfect 1.000. Third he was gushing over seeing Boyz to Men the night before. At that moment we knew we wanted to look deep into his eyes and say, “I’ll make love to you, like you want me to.”
There was no desire to do this with Eli Manning.
Successful Meme Launch Award
Winner: Joey Fatone Social!
We called it last year. Since there was no Nick Lachey to be found, that means Joey Fatone is the Derby survivor. And anytime you see Joey Fatone make it on camera at the Derby, you call a social and everyone drinks. We called it at 3:08. Although now none of us can remember exactly what he was doing. All we can remember is seeing him, and everyone clinking together their Countdowns. Good enough.
The Chris Farley Show Award
Winner: Lee S. Hart
Scene: Dagger made wings that turned out great and much better than they had any reason to be, considering his sauce consisted entirely of Frank’s Wing Sauce. Everyone quietly eats them during the pre-pre show on NBC Sports (formerly the Versus Network). The last two wings are finished. 10 seconds elapse.
Lee S. Hart: Remember when we were eating wings?
E Dagger: Yeah.
Lee S. Hart: That was awesome.
The Ms. Magazine Award for Feminism Still Has a Long Way To Go
Winner: Rosie Nepravnik
For the first time in the long history of the race, a female jockey won the $1 million Kentucky Oaks. Believe You Can, ridden by Rosie Nepravnik, took home the prize holding off John Velazquez (who Dagger picked to win the Derby) riding Broadway’s Alibi by pulling away in the final furlong. In a sport dominated by men, this is a large step forward for female athletes and certainly warrants appropriate acknowledgement during the broadcast of the main event.
Total elapsed time of coverage: Approximately 40 seconds.
“Try winning a real race next year, ladies,” said NBC dismissively, and metaphorically, in my head.
The I’m a Little Whiney Girl in a Grown Man’s Body Award
Winner: Dr. Hansen
You know who own horses? Rich people. You know who are eccentric? Rich people who own horses. Our evidence? Hasen owner, Dr. Hansen, dyed his horse’s tail blue. Nothing says class like dying the fur or hair of an animal you own. Blue hair on Ramona Flowers, most excellent. Blue hair on a horse’s ass, ridiculous.
We’re not the only ones to think this practice is unacceptable as Derby officials made Dr. Hansen’s people change the tail hair back to its original color. This sent Dr. Hansen into a hissy fit. Such a hissy fit is unacceptable by a grown ass man. It is even more unacceptable when it’s over the color of a horse’s tail. Seriously calm the fuck down. Nothing has ever been made faster by being painted. Though Hansen came in 9th, so maybe it would have helped. But we’ll never know, so the point is moot.
The Wha Happened? Award
Winner: Al Roker
Every year we have been accosted with goofy smile from America’s favorite weather man in some segment that had no business in horse racing. Every year we would have some comment about the jack assery that spewed from Mr. Roker. We were devoid of that this year. There was a complete absence of Al Roker and no explanation to it at all. According to Wikipedia, he’s still alive, so he missed have pissed off the wrong person at NBC Sports, or Churchill Downs. What else could it be? Why wouldn’t you go to the Derby if you could?
Other NBC employees were there, like Bob Costas, of course. But Debra Messing was there and mis-pronouncing horse names. So we are left asking, “Wha Happened?”
The 20 Year Old Reference Rabbit Hole That Lady E Couldn’t Care Less About
Winner: Einhorn is Finkle
Joe Einhorn was the man chosen to make the million dollar bet. He just happened to have same last name as a character from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. A fact not lost on Hart and Dagger. The next several minutes revolved around the revelation that Einhorn is Finkle and Finkle is Einhorn and Einhorn is a man, and Einhorn is a MAN! Then we assumed Joe Einhorn was putting all that money on Laces Out. Then we spent some time talking with our asses. This went on for several minutes.
The entire time this was happening Lady E never once looked up from her iPhone. She knew damn well what was going on and decided her best option was to not encourage us. That doesn’t matter. We clearly do not make 20 year old movie references for the ladies. Despite what anyone will tell you that is not the way to a girl’s heart. Unless that girl is Finkle.
But that’s what Derby Day, and Cru Jones Society has been all about from day one. A way to amuse each other and hopefully anyone else willing to listen or read.
And with the 138th running of the Kentucky Derby in the books, and more CJS Kentucky Derby Awards handed out we have but one last note: Go Horses!
Hart & Dagger
09 May 2012 CJS Staff